My forte causes caucasians to say, "He sounds demented!" Car weed-scented. If I said it, I meant it. Bite my tongue for no one. Call me evil, or unbelievable- The Notorious B.I.G "Unbelievable"

8 Mar

What is up kids?

How’s everyone doing on this miserable snowy Friday?  If you’re a teacher i’m hoping you at LEAST got a delayed opening or something, and possibly an early dismissal.  It is so much easier to get through the day when there is a delayed opening at school.  Because even if the school opens at 10 a.m. by the time everyone gets in and situated and ready to learn the earliest it is is 10:30, if that.  And then you get your lunch, and plus you will have to make sure all the kids get ready to leave early because of the weather.  So before you know it you are done with your day!  Except now it’s Friday and it’s too crappy to go out, so all you do is go home and drink a bottle of wine or two by yourself and then pass out by 9 p.m.  Although let’s be honest, you would have done that even if it wasn’t snowing!

But yeah be careful out there today kids.  i’m always looking for a reason to just stay inside and do nothing so i’m pretty glad that it’s snowing out.  i think i’m just going to chill in the warmth of my place, order up some food and listen to some Biggie on the anniversary of his death.  Well actually that would be tomorrow on March 9th, but i’m not writing an entire blog just for Saturday so eat me!

Speaking of Biggie, it is CRAZY that we still talk about him.  Does everyone realize that he was only 24 when he died?  24 YEARS OLD!!  That’s so insane, he became a legend and the all time greatest rapper by the time he turned 24 and i hadn’t even lost my own virginity by that age yet!  But it doesn’t matter, because no one will ever be better them Biggie and this world will never see another…

Wait, did you really just believe me?  You believed that i didn’t lose my virginity until i was 24?  Jeebus Christmas kids, give me some more credit then that!  i lost my virginity in my teens for crying out loud!  And sure i was 19 bordering 20.  But still, i’m not that pathetic!  Alright fine maybe i am.  But at least i had my first kiss when i was 14 with that 16 year old girl in Cape Cod that one time.  Corrinne was her name i think? But 14 is not a bad age to have your first kiss, right? Although i’m pretty sure i was watching some MTV “True Life” thing recently and kids as young as 8 were giving reach arounds and polishing glory holes and even tickling taints so what the hell do i know.  Like Biggie said, “Things done changed.”

But for real, it’s an amazing thing in life to witness the pure genius of another human being.  Whether it be watching Biggie rap, or Michael Jordan playing basketball or Tiger Woods playing golf and banging everything in sight, or listening to a John Frusciante guitar solo or new Beck song, or even seeing a movie like “Shawshank Redemption” that lets you appreciate what art a film can really be.  Witnessing a person who is a master at their craft is an amazing thing, and whenever it is happening you should do your best to watch it happen.  Because it does not happen often, and you never know where you will see it next.  So enjoy it while you can kids!  Because like Biggie sometimes the best things in life do not stick around long.

But yeah before i get to the nonsense, i have to throw a curveball at you.  If you’ve read my blog you know much i hate children, and you also know that i DESPISE babies.  And the only thing worse then both of those are people who post $hit about babies online.  However, i saw a video recently and i have to say this is the coolest baby i’ve ever seen.  Which isn’t saying much because most of them look like little lumpy aliens to me.  But in honor of the greatest rapper of all time, i give you a video of a baby who knows that statement is a fact!

RANDOM NONSENSE

So i have to do this next bit or i wouldn’t respect myself, but have all of you heard this story about Miss Delaware Teen USA Melissa King?  The story about an 18 year old girl who won the crown, but they found out about her past in porn movies and she had to resign? AKA, THE HOTTEST STORY OF ALL TIME?!?!  Actually, if all of you could just please hold up one second while i… wait a minute… POP!!!!!   Okay i’m back.  Anyways, this precious angel was your typical girl next door, but one who filmed an X rated video that got her disqualified from being Miss Teen USA.  Which if you are wondering the answer is “yes,” that is the hottest contest of all time.  Anyways Melissa King no longer holds the title, but i would like her to know that we here at “Here Comes the Money” would NEVER discriminate against a girls past.  Especially one as fantastic as hers!  For real, if it were up to me i would not only give her the crown, but she’d get a pearl necklace as well!

A Great Name for a Punk Band! “Tickling Taints” 
C’mon, you HAD to see that one coming!
-Speaking of porno, isn’t it weird that it’s Lent and there is no Pope right now?  How is that possible?  How do they not have like a “fill-in” Pope just in case of situations like this?  Like a “Vice” Pope if you will.  Someone who gets sworn in, but is really just keeping the seat warm until the “official” Pope gets elected.  Although now that i think about it, keeping the seat “warm” sounds a little creepy when you start talking about Popes.  Anyways, how come we don’t have some kind of “substitute” Pope during Lent?  i’m sure someone would be down to be a substitute Pope.  Although i guess it would be the worst thing ever if we got a substitute like those substitute teachers we would get in high school.  You know, the ones that really wanted to make us learn!  The kind of substitute that would actually “try” to teach us and pretend we actually cared about anything they said when the real teacher was gone.  Way to go dick!  Just put on a video and shut up already!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – Why do i watch movies on TBS when i own the DVD?  Oh i know why, because instead of watching the movie uninterrupted i’d rather watch it with nonstop commercials and all the cursing and nudity cut out of it.  You know, the good parts.!  And if i do start watching a movie on TBS or TNT that i have, how come once it goes to a commercial i don’t just go to my collection, grab the movie and put it in so i can avoid all the awfulness of commercials and censorship?  Oh i know why, because i’m a lazy f*ck who would rather complain about things and write about it in my blog then actually do anything about it.  i’m the worst.

Fast Food Tips – So if you remember my “Subway” rant (and if you don’t you are blowing it because it was the money), you will recall that i f’n hate that sandwich place with a passion.  The only half way decent thing about that place was the fact that you could get a 5 dollar footlong, but even that wasn’t that great because the sandwiches are garbage.  But to be even more ghetto, Subway is now offering  brand new “FEATURED VALUES” for March…

Wow, what a great deal!  A $3 six inch chicken sandwich and a $6 footlong special of buffalo chicken!  But wait, hold up… what happened to your whole 5 dollar footlong deal?  You know, because you hardly put any meat or cheese on a 6 inch let alone a full sandwich.  And plus you have that catchy “5 dollar footlong!” song they play until i want to take a pair of scissors and jam them into my earballs until they bleed and can’t hear anything.  Is it just me or does this new “special” sound like a fairly suspicious way to get us to start paying $6 for foot longs instead of $5?  i bet none of you even thought about that, which is funny because that’s exactly what this soulless corporation wants to happen as they steal your money pretending to serve “healthy” food.
On the other hand, one corporation that doesn’t hate their patrons and try to bull$hit them is Popeye’s chicken.  Which has a new money deal!  For $5 beans you get two chicken tenders, four buttermilk shrimp, a money biscuit, cajun fries and two dipping sauces.  Doesn’t that sound better then your ghetto 5 dollar, wait i’m sorry, SIX dollar foot long?  Subway, you can suck a hard one.
And oh yeah, i’m sure Popeyes is an evil soulless corporation too.  But there chicken is the MONEY so i don’t care.  As long as you provide the people with something they need i’m okay with it, and no one needs Subway so F them.

And oh yeah, i’m not really okay with it.

Blog #197 in the books!  If my math is correct that means i’m three away from blog 200!  Can you dig it?  i sure as hell can.  So stay safe and warm this weekend, remember to tell all your friends about your sexy yet slightly overweight Hispanic friend’s HILARIOUS blog and i will see you all back here on Tuesday for blog 198!!!

Cya, @migueljose_85

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10 Responses to “My forte causes caucasians to say, "He sounds demented!" Car weed-scented. If I said it, I meant it. Bite my tongue for no one. Call me evil, or unbelievable- The Notorious B.I.G "Unbelievable"”

  1. Jim March 8, 2013 at 5:04 pm #

    Earballs… haha… I'm stealing that.

    Like

  2. Stefanie March 8, 2013 at 5:57 pm #

    so happy you chose that topic for old school nonsense…that was legit one of my favorite topics…makes me laugh everytime I think about it because I 100% do that all the time.

    love you and your blog. thanks for the laughs on this shitty day.

    -Stef =)

    Like

  3. R0B March 8, 2013 at 7:19 pm #

    It took you 197 blogs to finally figure out you're “the worst”?
    great blog

    Like

  4. Stefanie March 9, 2013 at 1:47 am #

    and oh my god that baby is adorable…couldn't watch the video til just now…loved it

    Like

  5. Miguel José March 9, 2013 at 10:11 pm #

    haha i definitely didn't make that up myself but feel free!

    Like

  6. Miguel José March 9, 2013 at 10:11 pm #

    i had it figured out a while ago i am only just admitting it now

    Like

  7. Miguel José March 9, 2013 at 10:12 pm #

    i was watching “Tommy Boy” on Comedy Central last night, they literally cut out all the curses and half of the really funny scenes, not just the ones with cursing. Of course i just watched it all angry and what was missing instead of getting the DVD i have

    Like

  8. Anonymous March 12, 2013 at 2:45 am #

    Me too! Love it!

    Like

  9. Anonymous March 12, 2013 at 3:23 am #

    “Witnessing a person who is a master at their craft is an amazing thing, and whenever it is happening you should do your best to watch it happen. Because it does not happen often, and you never know where you will see it next.” Shit, that was actually really beautiful. I feel bad for Miss Delaware, news stories about King noted that she was in foster care between the ages of 12 and 18. Not spelled out was the fact that Delaware law prescribes foster care for children whose parents abused them sexually or physically, or neglected to provide them food, clothing and education. She made a poor decision. YouPorn.com recently offered the fallen beauty pageant queen $250,000 to travel around the world promoting their website. The offer reportedly does not even require her to have sex on camera. If I were her, I'd take that offer and run with my fifteen minutes of fame invest that money(in education, business,not dumb shit) and laugh all the way the bank. It is an interesting double standard that young women are rewarded to make themselves artificially and superficially pretty for beauty contests but punished for being honest and having sex on camera or taking our clothes off for money. Both practices are women putting ourselves on display for a price, whether it be money or “prizes.” This poor girl gets vilified, while Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton are unspeakably wealthy, have(or had) TV shows and their own clothing and fragrance lines. All adult video stars are NOT created equally, apparently!

    Like

  10. Miguel José March 12, 2013 at 8:39 pm #

    This country is way too uptight about sex. Who f'n cares? Everybody does it. And if you don't want to watch it then don't. But i agree, i hope that girl makes a TON of duckets from these 15 minutes. Good for her, if people would pay me to have sex i'd glady do it. But as it goes i have enough trouble just trying to give it away for free…

    Like

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