Cause it’s the type of day I feel like pressing my luck. Cause I got nothing to lose, ’cause I don’t give a f*ck. See a player, I play. Don’t play to win, I play to show. Yeah… I’m the Maestro! – Beastie Boys – "The Maestro"

5 Mar

MAKE SOME NOISE

What is up kids?

It’s a f*cking beautiful day to be alive my friends!  i hope everyone is doing fantastic on this fine Tuesday morning.  Or afternoon if you’ve been working since 8 am.  Ugh, for real who needs to go into work by 8 am?  Remember when soulless companies only wanted you to work 9 to 5?  They even wrote a song about that once by that blond girl with the huge cans, i’m pretty sure it was Jessica Simpson.  Oh Jessica, you were so money before you went all Christina Aguliera on everyone.  Remember how f’n HOTTTTT those two girls were back in the day?  Like Christina during her “Stripped” tour, and Jessica Simpson on her “Daisy Dukes” kick?

Man, just looking at those pictures makes my penis go POP in my pants!   So let me clean up real quick and then i’ll continue this bit.  Okay i’m back.  But yeah weren’t those the days?  i knew what to believe in then, when these two young baby girl hotties were at their peak.  “Pre-Wall” if you will.  But then like all women, they made the HORRIFIC decision to get older and have children.  Honestly, why do all women do this?  i mean yeah i get that you want to have kids, but do you really have to get older EVERY single year???

Because we all know what happens to women eventually.  Every girl ends up hitting “THE WALL”, and they become a tragedy to all of those who know them.  “OMG miguel, what does “hitting the wall” mean??”  Well i already explained that in the masterpiece that is blog #85 HERE, but an easy way to explain it is to look at the pictures above.  See that?  That is what is called “Pre-Wall.”  Then after aging a few years and having a couple of children you “hit” that wall.  Some ladies hit the wall gracefully, but i’ll let you look at some updated photos of these once young beauties and let you decide just how hard they hit that piece…

JEEBUS CHRISTMAS getting old f’n sucks!  Thank God i’m a guy and it doesn’t matter how much i weigh.  i mean yeah i’m going to hit the wall eventually, but like Ed O’Neill in “Modern Family” i will still marry someone who looks as hot as Sofia Vergara.  Thank you life!

But yeah back to what i was saying originally it’s a beautiful day to be alive my friends.  And to those moms and older gals that might have gotten a little angry by reading this rant don’t your worry your wrinkled little head over this.  i talk a lot of trash about older women, but the honest truth is us men think you ladies are BEAUTIFUL.  For real, you have no idea!  In fact, if you ladies ever caught on to the truth of how hot we really think you are you would be able to take over this country as well as the planet and then only date guys that looked like Channing Tatum.  Seriously, it’s true.  In fact, every girl i know is dating someone less hot then they can get, including my own girlfriend.  Actually, ESPECIALLY my girlfriend!

But lucky for me and men everywhere, women are so insecure about their looks and appearance that they are willing to settle with us.  And women also actually care about stuff like what’s “inside” a person, and how honest and kind a guy can be and how they treat other people.  Women are able to get past looks and see the beauty of the person beneath, and in turn can learn to love and even cherish their man.  Why is this?  Because women aren’t primal monkey idiots who have barely evolved from cave man times like us ahole guys.  i mean honestly, 90% of the problems that go on with this planet are caused by men.  Well religion too, but that is run by men so it’s the same thing!  And again, if women after stopped their nonsense and joined together to run this joint us guys wouldn’t have a chance.  But between their own insecurity and craziness and their mistrust of other women, it will never happen and us guys will continue to date girls out of our league.  What a country!

RANDOM NONSENSE

So this is blog number 196!!!!  Holy S balls kids, i’m only 4 away from 200!!!!  And trust me, i gots some BIG plans for blog 200.  Well not yet officially, but i promise i will!  And by promise i mean never trust a word i say.

But yeah once i write my 200th blog it is safe to say that i will be crossing over from being a crazy person to a straight up LUNATIC.  i mean really, who writes this much nonsense for no reason other then the fact that i’m an attention whore who is starving for attention and fast food? A lunatic, that’s who.  Although for real, you guys are lunatics for reading me all the time so who are you to judge!!

A Great Name for a Punk Band! “The Big Wigs”

Girly Stuff! 🙂 Is there a bigger bitch on the planet then Stassi from “The Vanderpump Rules?” For real, i was honestly glad when i found out Jax really cheated on her with that girl in Vegas.  i mean yeah that was a dick thing to do, and it sucks that all of Stassi’s friends didn’t believe her and totally took Jax’s side when they shouldn’t have.  But whatever, Princess Stassi is an awful human being and sometimes kharma can be quite the bitch.  You could even tell Andy Cohen wasn’t a fan of Stassi when he had her on “What What Happens Live!” last night, although i have to say it was a classy move to get Jax to take his shirt off.  But yeah i don’t think the second season will be as good as the first season, although don’t tell me what happened on the reunion because i have it DVR’d and i haven’t watched it yet!!

By the way, if you have no idea what i was talking about in that last bit you are a great human being and i love you.

ONE HITTERS: If i were racist white parents i would name my daughter “Kate” and her nickname would be “KKKate.”

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – There is nothing more depressing then when you go into a Hooters restaurant and get stuck with an ugly waitress.  Ugh, it’s the WORST.  It’s not like i go everyday or anything, because let’s be honest the draft beer gives me liquid deuces in a bad way and their wings aren’t that good at all.  But if my options are having a waitress with nice cleavage and tiny shorts serving me awful food and drink, or a waitress in some dumb polo with zero cleavage serving me good food i’ll take the cleavage any day of the week.  And getting your seat at Hooters is a really tough choice, and when you blow it you should know that  it will ruin your entire experience.  Nothing is worse then sitting with your brunette waitress with the saggy a$$ and B-Cups while you watch the hot blond who looks like Kate Upton laughing and serving the table next to you.  So choose your seat at Hooters wisely kids, one wrong choice and that horrific dump you take that smells of flat Coors light and 3 mile island sauce that you take later just won’t be worth it. 
Did i just say Kate Upton? That’s a good enough excuse to put a picture up of her for no reason right?  Right.

“Facebook etiquette”- To all of you pervert guys out there, you need to know that when you “like” a page on Facebook then EVERYBODY on Facebook can see that you are liking it!  i mean sure it’s fun to go on the “Fap Nation” page and check out a bunch of hot young girls and stare at a million pictures while you hold your junk in your hands getting ready to pop.  But do you really need to alert everyone you know on Facebook that you’re doing so?  Because the funny thing is, these creeps NEVER know that what they are “liking” gets seen by everyone.  And when you are already the shady overnight janitor at a middle school then maybe you don’t need to make things worse for yourself…

And that’s all i gots in me today folks.  Although before i bounce i do have to address one thing…

AND THE WINNER OF THE FREE PAPA JOHNS PIZZA IN THE FIRST “HERE COMES THE MONEY” CONTEST EVER IS…  Mandy Batista!  Thanks to Mandy for reading and “liking” my stuff on my Facebook page, but thanks to all of you who shared and re-tweeted my blog as well!  Especially my brother Tomas who probably thinks i wouldn’t let him win since we’re related and all but i swear i had like 6 entries of your name for the million times you helped me out so don’t think i don’t appreciate it hermano!

But yeah congrats to Mandy and thanks again to all of you all for your help.  With only 4 blogs to go to number 200 i can’t thank all of you enough for sticking with me.  But i’m still just getting started kids, so buckle the f*ck up and let’s never hit the wall no matter how old this gets!!!

Cya Friday!  @migueljose_85

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6 Responses to “Cause it’s the type of day I feel like pressing my luck. Cause I got nothing to lose, ’cause I don’t give a f*ck. See a player, I play. Don’t play to win, I play to show. Yeah… I’m the Maestro! – Beastie Boys – "The Maestro"”

  1. Jim March 6, 2013 at 2:48 pm #

    Wow… 200, seems like only yesterday you were getting geared up for number 50.

    Like

  2. R0B March 6, 2013 at 3:28 pm #

    Nice job finally quoting my favorite bboys song. Where's the 200 blog party gonna be at?

    Like

  3. Mandy March 7, 2013 at 12:25 am #

    Do you have any idea how much I love pizza? You made my life. There's no “u” in Batista. You should know that. The latinos need to stick together, okay? Thanks!

    Like

  4. Miguel José March 7, 2013 at 8:18 pm #

    Yesterday is over two years ago now. Life goes by crazy fast, we're gonna die any day now.

    Like

  5. Miguel José March 7, 2013 at 8:18 pm #

    There is almost nothing right with you but this song is definitely the money. Working on blog 200, will have info soon.

    Like

  6. Miguel José March 7, 2013 at 8:20 pm #

    i'm the worst, it's been corrected. But there is a wrestler by the name “Bautista” and you can blame your guy for me associating your name with wrestling haha. Enjoy that pizza!

    Like

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