Be careful who you’re calling a child, Lois. Because if I’m a child, that makes you a pedophile. And I’ll be damned if I’m gonna sit here and get lectured by a pervert. – Peter Griffin

26 Feb

What is up kids?

So did everyone watch the Oscars? i gave it a try, but MAN were they boring!  Although Seth Macfarlane was alright i guess, everyone bashing him for being awful is being way too harsh.  Maybe everyone shouldn’t be so quick to judge for once, for real.  He wasn’t even that ruthless, pretty much any “Family Guy” has more ruthless jokes then he did at the Oscars.  And they are usually WAY worse!

But that guy can sing pretty good, and he at least made fun of a few people.  And the “We saw your boobs!” song was okay, even though if that was on an actual “Family Guy” episode where that happened while the Griffins were watching the Oscars it would have been funnier then it was then when it happened in real life which is kinda weird.  Isn’t that weird?  Or does no one get what i’m talking about.  No one gets what i’m talking about?  Well okay then.

Anyways, i think the reason award shows are so boring these days is because America has turned into such a Panicky Pete about everything.  “OMG Janet Jackson’s nipple!  Everyone must get fined millions of dollars!”  Oh yeah?  Or maybe everyone could just relax for a hot one, and pretend the human body isn’t the worse thing in the world.  “OMG Joe Flacco said “F*CK into the microphone after they won the Superbowl!  i’m suing everybody!”  Oh really?  Or maybe you could just stop being such a lame ass, easily offended ahole with no sense of humor.  What kind of people get so outraged at this kind of nonsense?

i’ll tell you who.  Parents and religious people.  “OMG my kid heard a bad word!  Someone has to pay!”  Oh yeah?  Well maybe it’s good for him.  Maybe he won’t grow up to be such a pu$$y mama’s boy when he gets older, and people might actually like him and he’ll have friends.  “Sweet Baby Jesus there are breasts and a penis on the television screen!  This is a sin against mankind!”  Oh really?  And maybe if you don’t make such a big deal out of nudity some people might not have felt so guilty about having sex when they were in high school and they might have actually gotten laid before i was 19 at Ramapo college with that hot blonde girl i didn’t think i had a chance with even though of course i did because i was and am the gddamn money.

The point is, as a nation we are a bunch of big pansies.  Although i am glad there are shows like “Tosh.O” and “The Burn with Jeffery Ross” and “The Jeslenik Offensive” and “Workaholics” on Comedy central which are all super ruthless.  Most of you probably don’t know those shows but you should cause they are hilarious and 1000 times more offensive then this blog.

But besides that, award shows are nothing more then taped delayed garbage where no one does anything shocking or cool anymore.  Does anyone remember the old MTV music awards?  Not the gay ones they have now, i’m talking about back in the day when it was a fun award show that basically made fun of other awards shows.  Nowadays it has turned into exactly what it used to make fun of. Oh the irony!  But back then it used to be crazy and spontaneous and way more fun then any award show i’ve seen in the last 20 years.   Or maybe i’m just remembering it that way because it reminds me of my childhood and i get nostalgic?

Nope, it’s because back then it was the money and now award shows are garbage.  Although Seth did do an okay job.  Not the best ever by any stretch, but people need to take into account what a tough gig that is.  That’s a billion people watching you son!  i get nervous at 5 person open mics whenever i try to do stand up.  So yeah like i said, maybe everyone shouldn’t be so quick to judge for once.  Or not.  i don’t really care.  What i do care about is that its’ time for the nonsense so let’s get to it already!!

MTV Video Awards 1992
RANDOM NONSENSE

-Since i have a girlfriend now, i have to do things like watch the “E! Red Carpet Special!” before the Oscars when they show everybody walk the Red Carpet.  And while i do enjoy “Fashion Police” i cannot handle this Red Carpet garbage, especially that “Mani cam” awfulness to show off people’s nails.  UGH, i might as well go full gay and start watching “Glee” already.  Not that i have anything against gay people.  Actually it’s quite the opposite, i think i’m getting to that age where with the right man i’d be pretty much down to try anything.  And i mean, ANYTHING.  Well probably anything…

Butt speaking of gays (haha that might be my favorite joke ever in this blog), this Ross Mathews guy who does the commentating on these shows has to be the GAYEST guy i have ever seen in my life…

HAAAY GUYS!

And that picture makes him look pretty gay, but holy S Balls kids this guys voice is SOOO gay.  Like Uber gay.  Like gayer then that time i let that one guy make braids with my chest hair gay. And when he made those braids he used his mouth instead of his hands.  And to be honest i kinda liked it, and to this day i’ll never forget it.  But this guy Ross Mathews voice is gayer then all of that COMBINED.  And again, i could care less if this guy likes the bologna pony or not.  There is nothing that interests me less then who someone else wants to bang, unless of course it is someone i personally am interested in banging.  Other then that though i’m totally into gay marriage, equal rights, basically whatever the gay and lesbian community wants.  But that doesn’t mean i’m not going to sound the gay alarm when i see and hear the gayest person ever, and DING DING DING we have a winner!

ONE HITTERS:  At first i thought it was stupid, but every time i hurt my ears using a Q-tip i wonder if i should just buy the damn “Wax Vac” already…

Girly Stuff! 🙂 Can you believe what Brandi from the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” wore to the Oscars???  Have you ever seen anything more tacky in your life?

OMG why was she even there?  Oh yeah, it was to promote her “My BrandB line”as she reported as a fashion consultant.  Oh you heard right, she’s a fashion consultant for OnTheRedCarpet.com.  i’m guessing that “B” stands for boobs because good Lord i can’t believe how much cleavage she was showing!  Although i will say she is a lot hotter then that b!tch Leann Rimes who her husband left her for.  Man i hate that Eddie Cibrian!

For the record i have no idea what i’m talking about with any of this.

Fast Food FACTS:  Can i talk about how ghetto Subway is for a second?  Of course i can, it’s my f*cking blog.  Anyways, if any of you noticed and obviously you did not, i failed to mention that this month is “FebruANY” month at Subway where EVERY footlong only costs 5 bucks.  Why wouldn’t i remind you of this when i’ve done so every other time before?  It’s not because Subway tastes like ass and lettuce on cardboard, because 5 beans for a sandwich isn’t a bad price no matter how terrible there meat is.  However, Subway is doing something even more ghetto then the obvious “using the shortest month of the year” to do their so called special sale.  In an act of true douchebaggery, they aren’t offering any of the good subs for 5 bucks anymore!  The only reason to go to this horrific place in the first place was to get the chicken bacon ranch sub when it only costs 5 bucks.  But no, Subway has now made it a special $6 sub, even though it’s supposed to be $5 sandwich month!

FebruANY my ASS!

 Thanks for nothing aholes!  Because now you’re saying the Italian BMT, Meatball Marinara and Turkey breast sandwiches are 5 beans, when the only sandwiches i want like the Roast Beef, Chicken and Bacon Ranch melt and the Steak and cheese are now SIX bucks.  What did you think, i would just forget that those subs used to be 5 bucks and now you’re just trying to screw America??  And by the way, if you are going to have $6 footlong SPECIALS then you’re not allowed to play that catchy $5 foot long jingle you love playing until i want to jump off of a building. “5 dollar, 5 dollar, 5 dollar footlongs!  Unless you want the good ones!”  Not so catchy, is it.  Go f*ck yourselves Subway.

OMG, that blog was AMEEZING!  How could i possibly make it better?  How about by giving away a free pizza!  That’s right my friends, for the first time ever i’m giving away a “Here Comes the Money” prize.    Why am i doing this you have to be asking yourself?  Well first and foremost i’m the money.  But more importantly i won that free pizza from Papa Johns and i hate Papa Johns but i want someone to use it so i’ll give it away on this blog.  Pretty cool right?

So here’s the deal,  anyone who “likes” my blog’s page on Facebook, or comments on my blog, or Re-tweets my blog on Twitter, or who becomes a follower of mine on Twitter, or “Shares” my blog on their Facebook page, if you do any of these things you automatically get a chance to win this pizza.  i don’t care if you’re my brother Ray whose birthday it is today (Happy birthday hermano!) or that random guy in Guam who REALLY likes my blog for some reason.  If you share or like my blog in any way shape or form on Facebook and/or Twitter you have a chance to win a pizza.  I’ll do this contest so it includes this Friday’s blog as well, so the more you help spread the word the better chance you have to win a pizza from a place that i personally find disgusting!  It’s the greatest contest ever!

But i’ll announce the winner next week on Tuesday.  So good luck, help me get the word out on this thing for crying out loud and i’ll see you cats on Friday!

Someone PLEASE take this pizza from me!

Cya!  @migueljose_85  (if you go and follow me now you could win Papa Johns!)

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One Response to “Be careful who you’re calling a child, Lois. Because if I’m a child, that makes you a pedophile. And I’ll be damned if I’m gonna sit here and get lectured by a pervert. – Peter Griffin”

  1. Fan of San (dukes) February 26, 2013 at 5:15 pm #

    Oh you banged for the first time at Ramapo… let me ask you a question. What’s his name? Ahhhh. Wait, you already said it was a girl? Then let me ask you this -what’s his name?! C’mon, it doesn’t make sense and its not funny anyway. But let me tell you what Alaska salmon and hot blondes have in common –they’re all pink on the inside. And if you’re drunk enough you can’t tell the difference anyway. Except for the fact that the fish won’t talk back and I’m actually allowed to dump it in the ocean afterwards.

    s-woo

    Like

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