You know what your problem is? It’s that you haven’t seen enough movies. All of life’s riddles are answered in the movies. – Steve Martin

22 Feb

What is up kids?

So the Academy Awards are on this weekend, which i personally think is the hardest part about earning your EGOT.  Is everybody going to watch on Sunday? Of course you are, what else do you have to do with your life?  Nothing, that’s what.  And since i like to stay topical, or at least i do today because i have nothing else to write about, i’m going to tell you who i think should win the award for “Best Picture.”  So let’s check out the nominees!

First we will start with “Beasts of the Southern Wild” and “Amour.”  i’d be less then honest if i said that i knew anything about these movies other then looking up what the nominees for Best Picture are for this year on Google.  Do people realize how much it costs to go to the movies?  i have trouble spending duckets on movies i want to see, let alone some artsy nonsense that none of my meat head friends would ever come see with me.  These films are disqualified because no one in their right mind would have gone to the theater to see them.  i mean yeah i’ll watch them when they end up on IFC just to make myself feel classier.  But until then none awards for you!

Next we have “Life of Pi”, which i guess is a movie about some Indian kid stuck on a boat with a tiger.  Critics have raved about this film saying it’s an amazing art piece that deserves the award, while other people just see the trailer of a kid on a boat with a tiger and say “that tiger would rip that kid to shreds!” and would never go see it.  i guess i’m somewhere in the middle because of course i was thinking how quickly that tiger would regret eating Indian food considering what it would do to his colon.  But i also think the film looks pretty cool visually and i think seeing it in 3D in the theater would have been awesome. But i didn’t see it so this movie can’t win.

Isn’t “Les Miserables” a musical?  Pass.

“Argo” is by far the best movie that i haven’t seen either.  From what i heard this movie is the money so i hope it wins, even though i can’t believe the guy from “Gigli” is going to be up for his second Academy award.  Or did Ben Affleck win “Best Actor” for “Reindeer Games?”  i’m just kidding, i know it was for “Phantoms.”  Word Jewell, Phantoms like a motherf*cker!

“Lincoln” should definitely get Daniel Day Lewis another “Best Actor” award, mostly because he is the greatest living actor today.  But as far as Best Picture i can’t give it to this movie, because people hate politics and i can’t imagine that 85% of the public could handle sitting through it.  i saw it and loved it but i have no faith in any of you for liking it.

From what i’ve heard “Silver Linings Playbook” was an incredible movie that many people enjoyed.  But the fact that it takes place in Philly IMMEDIATELY takes it out of consideration, because that town is awful and nothing good should ever happen there.  They are allowed to have money cheese steaks, and they get “Rocky” and “Always Sunny” and that’s it.  So F this movie and F Brad Cooper for being so handsome.

“Zero Dark Thirty” is another amazing film that i have yet to see, but i refuse to award any movie that has a ginger in it’s star role.  Just kidding, i like red heads even though they have no souls.  But as good as this movie is it can’t compete with the fact that we killed Bin Laden in real life motherf*ckers!  So if you want to give an award to the real Seal Team Six then i’m all about it, but to me “Zero Dark Thirty” deserves zero awards.

Last and definitely not least is “Django Unchained”, which on any real planet would win every award possible.  But the Academy has enough problems being considered a racist organization, so there’s none chance that they give the Academy award to a film that drops the N word more then white people do when they are talking together and there are no minorities around.  So it sucks to say but there is no chance that this movie will win.

Which can only mean one thing, and that is that the OSCAR goes to…  are you dying to know what i think the best film of the year was yet?  i  hope so, i just spent all morning writing this bit.  But whatever,  i gave it a lot of thought.  And after much personal debate i decided the Academy Award for Best Picture should go to… Spring Breakers!

“Spring Breakers” is a coming of age film staring Selena Gomez that’s about 4 hot young baby girls in bikini’s who go on Spring Break.  i don’t know anything about the film, and i’m pretty sure it didn’t even come out yet.  But whatever, this film gets my award for “Best Picture,” “Best Actress”, “Best Director,” and hell i’ll even give it “Best Soundtrack” because hey who gives a $hit.

This movie is allowing Selena Gomez to take her next step in her career, and that next step of course, is being 20 years old.  No longer a teen, Selena decided to do a movie roll that puts her back in high school just like all of her fans love.  i thought dumping that Canadian pothead Justin Bieber was her smartest career move ever, but after seeing the promos for this film i’d say this movie is the best decision of her life…

Give that girl an award for goodness sake, any award!  And enjoy the Oscars this weekend!


-“OMG miguel you are so gross!  That girl is only 20 years old!”  Yeah?  So what’s your point?  i’m pretty sure the legal age in this country is 18 (even younger in some states), and this girl is two years older then that.  What is this, a test of morality?  Because i think being moral means abiding by all of the laws of your country, and i am breaking zero laws by admiring these amazing pictures of this beautiful Mexican woman.  And not only is she totally legal, i think i’m being a patriot following the laws of the country i love.  Some might even call me a hero!  So unless they raise the legal age, everything i’m doing in this blog is not only right, but honorable.  God i love my country!  Let me know when you guys are throwing the Seal Team Six and miguel jose American parade!  USA! USA!

ONE HITTERS: The new “Yahoo” layout really sucks my balleens.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE Hey people who drive really fast in parking lots, can you just f*cking die already?  i get that you’re super important and in a big rush, and i get that when you’re out on the highway you need to drive 95 miles an hour like an ahole and you don’t get worried about being pulled over because you’re white and living in Bergen County.  But when you’re in a parking lot, you know, those place where people happen to be walking around a lot?  Maybe you can relax that lead foot and not drive like a f*cking maniac while women and kids and old people are walking around.  Or even me!  i’m none of those things, and i still don’t need your dumb impatient ass doing a hundred miles an hour through the parking lot.  i swear, i really hope you hit a small child when you’re speeding through the lot and hopefully paralyze the kid for life.  i don’t want you to kill him, because then you wouldn’t get to live with the constant reminder that some young kid is paralyzed and it’s because you chose the work parking lot to pretend you’re 2 fast and 2 furious.  Oh but i don’t want you to hit a kid i know or anyone one of my friends knows because then that would just be f’d up.
-Why didn’t anyone tell me that all i had to do was wait for episode 7 of Season one of “Homeland” before that show gets any good?  You silly geese, you should have told me!!  i mean don’t get me wrong, it’s still no “Breaking Bad”.  But i’m totally hooked and i am already all caught up and have finished both seasons and i love it.  It’s so crazy what goes on with this show!  And Jewell probably isn’t caught up yet so i’ll stop before i give away any spoilers.  But the worst thing about liking this show is that i am now officially the whitest Hispanic person on the planet! God white people are the worst.

 Fast Food Tips – Speaking of God, it’s Friday and it’s Lent which means all my good Christian gentile boys and girls are not eating meat.  i don’t follow that nonsense though.  i LOVE eating meat on Fridays during Lent. It’s almost like it tastes EXTRA good.  And it’s money because you can go to a burger place like Bobby’s Burger which has my current favorite burger right now which is the Bobby’s Blue burger which has crumbled blue cheese and bacon and is covered in pop.   It doesn’t come covered in pop but that’s how my burger always ends up.
ANYWAYS, whenever you kids give up meat during Lent, all the fast food chains do some sort of fish deal to satisfy all of you.  Like for example, McDonalds new “Fish Bites” which sound like fish mcnuggets and i want to throw up all over the place.  Their website describes them as “little in size, big on taste.  New Fish McBites are wild caught Alaskan Pollock in perfectly poppable bite sized pieces.  But hurry, they won’t last around long!”

Although i’ve got 3 things about this.  First of all, HAHAHAHAHA they said they were “poppable!”  
2ndly, “wild caught Alaskan Pollock?” C’mon Burns, you’re going to fall for that?? Do you know what is also made out of Alaskan Pollock?  The Filet o Fish sandwich.  And every fish sandwich at every fast food place.  But when they say it like that it sounds fancy.  It isn’t.  It’s garbage.
And finally, they say that “they won’t last long” because fast food places only do these stupid fish deals during Lent. This way you can be super religious and still go to McDonald’s on Fridays!  Man they think of everything, no wonder i’m overweight.
And that’s it for me today kids.  i hope everyone enjoyed my Oscar pics and all the other nonsense i threw out at you today.  And it’s Friday which means you have the pleasure of getting all excited to go out but then to fall asleep earlier then you have all week because work kicked your a$$.  Oh well, at least you get to sleep late tomorrow!  Unless you have kids and you don’t know what sleep is anymore.

But i don’t have kids, so i’m going to go take a nap.  Have a great weekend and i’ll see ya back here on Tuesday!



5 Responses to “You know what your problem is? It’s that you haven’t seen enough movies. All of life’s riddles are answered in the movies. – Steve Martin”

  1. Anonymous February 22, 2013 at 6:12 pm #

    Harmony Korine's Spring Breakers? yeah it won't be effed up !!


  2. Rob February 22, 2013 at 6:27 pm #

    whats up spring breakers?!?!?!?!


  3. Miguel José February 23, 2013 at 6:51 pm #

    Virgins, i love em


  4. Miguel José February 23, 2013 at 6:52 pm #

    i've bombed with women before but never as bad as when i dropped that line


  5. Miguel José February 23, 2013 at 9:18 pm #

    i've bombed with women before but never as bad as when i dropped that line


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