I don’t have a girlfriend, but i do know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that. – Mitch Hedberg

15 Feb
The sequel of one of the most Romantic movies of all time.  The third one is coming out soon!

What is up kids?

So did everyone survive Valentine’s day?  i guess you did if you are reading today’s blog.  There are only two kinds of people on Valentine’s day.  Those that spend the night crying and listening to sad songs as they contemplate whether they should use a razor on their wrists or jump off of a high roof, and then there are the people who are not in relationships.  OHHHH see what i did there?  There’s a reason i have a blog and you don’t!

But yeah did everyone have a good Valentine’s day?  Probably not.  The holiday itself is set up to fail.   Because who likes Valentine’s day?  No one in relationships.  Well maybe some people.   Young dumb girls who still believe in love can’t WAIT for Valentine’s day.  “OMG he surprised me at work with two dozen roses and diamonds!  He loves me so much!!!”  Yeah he does.  Every guy who is dating a young, hot baby girl for less then a year loves her SO much.

But what about when they are dating for a few years? And then they get married and (God forbid) she has a kid?  Or even, dare i say it… TWO kids???  i guarantee he does not get her diamonds on that day.  Why would he?  She’s locked up with two kids, where is she going?  Nowhere, that’s where.

Which is why Valentine’s day sucks balls.  People in relationships hate it because there is so much unneeded pressure on it.   And people not in relationships hate it because THEY ARE NOT IN RELATIONSHIPS!  Loneliness sucks, but loneliness on  Valentine’s day is a new kind of being lonely.  Like listening to “Everybody Hurts” by  R.E.M. in your garage with the windows up in your car as you inhale those delicious fumes on Valentine’s day kind of loneliness.

But i’m not here to talk $hit about V-day like you think i would.  You know why i’m posting today?? To talk about true love, the kind of love i’m feeling right now in my life.  I’m talking about the movie “True Romance” kind of love.  Which is basically the most romantic movie of all time that’s not “Before Sunrise” or “Before Sunset”.  Have any of you seen those movies?  If you haven’t i guarantee you don’t understand what real love is all about.  So to those of you that never saw these films, here’s my best story to sum up what i believe the definition of “love” truly is.

This a story about a man who was married to the love of his life for over forty years.  Do you get how long that is?  That’s about 40 years longer then any marriage you know of ever lasts.  But that is what a “real” married couple does, they stick together through EVERYTHING and never split up.  They don’t change spouses the same amount of times i have quit each diet that i’ve started this year.  And while it’s true that some couples stay together more out of dedication to their family then being in love with each other, the man and woman i’m talking about today were truly in love.

Every year of this over 40 year marriage, the man sent his wife a dozen roses from the same place for Valentine’s day.  For over 40 years!  And every time the note inside read the same thing, “My love for you ever grows”.  And this happened for over 40 years like i said a million times already.

But then two years ago this man died of cancer.  Because no matter who or what you are, cancer will probably be the end of you.  It doesn’t discriminate like the police department and Southern Republican congressmen, it doesn’t care how healthy you live or how good a person you are.  Cancer takes EVERYONE, and if we ever figure out how to beat it God bless us…

But cancer took this man, and the very next year the LAST thing this woman ever expected to get on Valentine’s day was another dozen roses.  But she did!   Just like every Valentine’s day for the last 40 something years she received a dozen roses.  But her husband was gone, and it didn’t make sense for her to receive them.  It was as honest mistake from the flower place, but one that hurt her deeply.  So it was with a heavy heart that she called up the flower place and said, “You sent these roses to me by accident.  My husband lost his battle with cancer and passed away last year.”

Which is when the woman on the other end of the line replied, “Those roses ARE for you.  Your husband had pre purchased a dozen roses for you many years in advance, and they will be continued to be delivered to you the rest of your life.”  It was at that point that the wife finally decided to read the note on the roses she had received, because until now it had been to painful to even look at.  So she opened the note and read the words, but for the first time since they were married the note read something different.  This time, when she read the note it read, “My love for you is Eternal”, and to this day the woman still stays faithful and true to her soul mate, her one true love…

That’s a great story isn’t it?   Probably the last thing you expected on this blog of nonsense and insanity. But whatever, i’m a romantic and i can’t help it.  Which is the politically correct way of saying i’m a super gay F@ggot and i’m ret@arded.

Haha i don’t think you are allowed to say either one of those words anymore which is why i used them both. i don’t want you all to think i’m getting soft on you!  If anything you guys make me harder and harder!  Wait, that doesn’t sound right.  What i mean to say is that my readers make me go “boooWHIP!”

Happy Friday my Valentines!

RANDOM NONSENSE
-So if you really didn’t have anyone to be with on Valentine’s day, i do have some news that will make you feel better.  Reduced priced Candy!  And tons of it!  Every lonely and fat a$$ person on Valentine’s day (and up until this one i had been both instead of just one of them) knows that candy goes on CRAZY sales after Valentine’s day!  Like 50 to 90% off kind of sales!  So next Monday might be the day where you start going to the gym and eating healthy and making plans that NEXT Valentine’s day you are not going to be alone.  But today through Sunday should be a nonstop GORGE fest where you buy as much as this cheap candy as possible, and spend all weekend eating and crying and deucing chocolate milk out your rear end as you wallow in candy and your own misery.  Best way to spend the weekend ever!

-So i’m sending this bouquet of flowers to my boy Rob, who much like the Rangers in 1994 had one flukey run that no one remembers or cares about.  And normally i dominate this fool every time we play beer pong, but recently he beat me a few games in a row and i’m man enough to send him these flowers.

But this bouquet is not a piece offering, it’s a challenge to play against me again motherf*cker.  i own you Laruso!

i’m going to win in the end

-So Rob gets these flowers, but i feel like i should give all my faithful readers a present for Valentine’s day.  It’s the least i can do, you kids keep me going and honestly this blog is one of my favorite things in my life!  So to you i have a present, and it’s a video of the one girl that will forever be my Valentine, Miss Kate Upton.  And by forever i mean until she’s 25 because we ALL know i don’t date girls who are over a quarter of a century.  But Kate Upton is 20, blond, and she’s 20 years old!  So watch this video of Kate Upton’s many talents as my gift to you, and i’ll tell you all now in advance… you’re welcome 🙂

And POP goes my weasel!  For lent i am giving up POP corn.  And if you’re wondering what cereal i had for breakfast it as Corn POPS!

Do you get the joke?  Watching this video made me POP in my pants.  i’m covered in POP!  If i were a cartoon character i’d be POPeye.  Wait, i didn’t have cereal for breakfast.  i had POP tarts!  Alright enough.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – It is Valentine’s day, so i’m sure a bunch of guys out there bought their women some sexy lingerie.  But there was something about girls underwear that i always found funny, and it’s the fact that some girls get SO nervous if you see them in it.  i’m not talking about that sexy g-string, thigh high gown with the see through top, obviously it’d be a little embarrassing to be caught wearing that by Ron in the next cubicle over from you.  i’m saying in general, if a girl was in her bra and underwear and a guy walked in on her she’s be like “OMG get out of here!” and it’d be a big scene and just awkward for everyone involved.  However, if you saw the same girl on a beach and she was wearing a two piece bikini she’s just be like “Oh hi guy, nice weather we’re having on the beach!” And the guy would go “Sure is, enjoy your lovely day!  i might get some ice cream!”  Alright fine the dialogue would probably be better then that but my point is she wouldn’t care at all if he saw her wearing that because it is perfectly acceptable to talk to the man in a 2 piece bikini on the beach.  So basically my question is, if i see you in a bra and panties and/or i see you in a bikini,  ‘WHAT’S THE F’N DIFFERENCE?!?!?”  And i’ll answer this for you, there is no gddamn difference. And whatever, i could care less.  If girls are gonna be uptight about being in a bra and panties around me but are down to wear bikini’s i’m not gonna complain.  So yeah hooray for bikini’s!  They are the money.

Fast Food Tips – So Taco Bell has finally completed it’s MASTERPIECE.  No, i’m not talking about the Spanish “Big Poppa” remix that everyone loves.  i’m talking the end of their trilogy, the move that lets Frodo throw Gollum over the edge and finally destroy the ring of power.  Oh that’s right, i just ruined “Lord of the Rings” for Keller who LOVES that $hit.  No joke, her two favorite things are pregnant women and when people tell her she has a “pretty” face.  But number THREE of her favorite things is when people talk “Lord of the Rings” to her.  She tries to pretend she’s not a closet nerd but trust me, talk to her about “LOR” and you’ll be in her pants quicker then you can say “Do they Gandalf?’

But whatever, the point of all of this is to say that Taco Bell FINALLY introduced their Doritos Loco Tacos, but this time they have done it in COOL RANCH form.  That’s right, think about how gddamn MONEY that iS…

Thanks to Mandy who suggested this “Fast Food Tip” to me.  She’s a beautiful person and she’s mad smart and yet for some reason she reads my blog like the rest of you.  i must be doing something right!

You are welcome white people.  You are WELCOME.

And that’s it for me today kids.  i have so much more comedy in my dome for you but that’ll have to wait until next Tuesday. Because it’s a beautiful day, i’ve got a big weekend planned with my girl and i’m excited to get started at it already!  Which is my way of saying i need to finish this so i can go nap before she takes me to see the new Nicholas Sparks movie “Safe Heaven” which according to her will have more action then the new “Die Hard.”  So i’m fired up for our movie night, and i hope you all have a great weekend doing what you want as well!  And never forget, my love for my readers is eternal.

Cya Tuesday!  @migueljose_85

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3 Responses to “I don’t have a girlfriend, but i do know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that. – Mitch Hedberg”

  1. Mandy February 15, 2013 at 5:00 pm #

    That shout out made me feel like pure money. Word to True Romance- so glad you have found it!

    Like

  2. Miguel José February 15, 2013 at 5:09 pm #

    You should feel honored, i rarely give credit to people i steal stuff from haha 🙂

    Like

  3. Rob February 15, 2013 at 7:18 pm #

    Great effing blog. Thanks for the flowers dude. The challenge is on. My pong game is back and better than ever…

    Like

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