I think it’d be great if you had a kid that ended up being Pope. That would be the ultimate bragging rights. ‘Oh, your son’s a doctor? Yeah, ours is Pope. Oh, they have a house? He has his own city.’ – Jim Gaffigan

12 Feb

What is up kids?

In the name of the Father, the son, and the Holy Ghost, let’s get this blog started already!  Does anyone say “Holy Ghost” anymore?  Probably not, that is pretty old school.  That’s what my parents said growing up when i went to church so i doubt any of you kids know about that.  But who knows, maybe you do.  Anyways…

Did all of you go to church growing up?  Besides the Jews i mean, i know you cats have church on Saturday.  Although you call it something else i think, i believe you call it “Jewish church”.

“Really miguel?  you’re going to go after Religion now?  You’re already going to hell for being a fat, lazy Mexican.  Do you really think it’s wise to talk about “God” in your filthy and unfunny blog?”   Yes.  Yes i do.

Because i grew up religious and i sat in those pews every week as a kid.  And besides some of the prayers and most of the songs, all i can remember about Church is how BORING it was.  Honestly, is there anything more boring then being in church??  Anytime i get insomnia i always wish i could lay down in a church pew and listen to Priest deliver Christmas Mass.  i’d be asleep in seconds!

Most families at church

But yeah the point i’m trying to make is i can talk about religion and going to church because i used to go to church every gddamn week!  Although now that i just said that i guess it’s kinda bad to use the Lord’s name in vain like that talking about church.  Although if you notice, and i’m sure most of you haven’t, i NEVER write out the word “GOD” when i use the phrase “gddamn”.  Honestly, i never do it.  Go back and read every single blog and i promise that you will never see me write the word “God” out completely.  Go ahead and read them all, i’ll wait…

See?  i told you i never do it.  And i’m sure some of you think it’s just a spelling error that i get wrong EVERY week.  And considering how awful my grammar and punctuation is each and every blog i can see your point.  But for once my awful writing isn’t to blame, i purposely never write out the word “GOD” so that technically i’m not using the Lord’s name in vain.  Some of you may find that silly but hey, when i’m at the gates and arguing with Saint Peter it’s gonna take every trick in the gddamn book to get my brown a$$ into Heaven i can tell you that much.

It’s the same reason i never use the phrase “Jesus Christ” when i’m writing my blog.  I always write “Jeebus Christmas” or “Jumping Christballs” or anything but the actual phrase so that again i am not using the Lord’s name in vain.  Pretty smart huh?  And i always capitalize “God” when writing God or Jesus when writing Jesus, which makes even more sense why i never capitalize my own name or when i’m referring to myself when i talk about myself every blog.

But despite all that, do i still consider myself a religious person?  i can most definitely tell you that i do not.  And i’d like to say that i consider myself “spiritual” which i honestly do.  But saying that is so cliche and pretentious and such a boring cop out, even though i’m still going to say it anyway.  i guess it’s just organized religion that i have such a problem with.  The fact that this Pope never did anything but help hide the fact that there are all these priests molesting little boys just doesn’t sit right with me for some reason.  And if the church ever comes out with a policy against that, and/or finally makes it okay for priests to just have wives (or husbands) like normal people, and/or also lets women become priests and cardinals and even Popes then maybe i’ll be down to walk into church again each Sunday to sing songs and give away my money and compare the clothes of what everyone is wearing “Fashion Police” style.

But since i don’t see that happening anytime soon i guess i’ll keep trying to figure out what i actually believe in and leave all this Pope and organized religion stuff to the rest of you.  Amen!


-Do priests only use the Eucharist that they serve on Sundays as the body of Christ?  Or do they sometimes just eat it like a snack?  Technically both the bread and the wine have to be blessed during Mass before it actually becomes the body and blood of Christ, so until that happens it is just regular bread and wine.  So is it okay for the priests to just use that bread with like dip when they are hungry?  i don’t see why not, like i said until it is officially blessed during Mass it’s still just bread.  i mean there isn’t a whole lot of taste to it but i feel like some ranch dip or some chipotle sauce would give that bread some much needed kick!  But whatever, i feel like they probably don’t use it like that but i figured i’d ask anyways.

-So if you follow Brian Cranston on Twitter then you know he already suggested this idea.  But if you don’t then i can tell you now who would be the best replacement to be the new next Pope…. Pope Heisenberg!

i AM the Danger!  And now i’m the Pope!
-Is there anything worse then when you get invited to a wedding and they make you sit through an actual “Mass” before the ceremony?  Really people?  Your cocktail hour better have lobster tails, skirt steak and i’d better get a “happy ending” before dinner if you’re going to make me sit through church for an hour.  It’s bad enough i know neither of you go to church and that you constantly lied to your priest during “pre cana,”  now you’re gonna make my unholy a$$ sit through church to make me feel like a real piece of $hit?  You’d better never get divorced because me and apparently your God will never forgive you!
-“OMG miguel this is the most offensive blog EVER!!!  How dare you speak about the Lord and our God like this!!!”
Oh relax my touchy religious friends.  i’m not trying to be offensive to your God, i’m just asking some questions and making funny observations.  i honestly am not even trying to offend anyone for once.  i just don’t think anything is off limits when it comes to comedy, not even God.  And i think it’s only fair that if you are going to believe in a holy entity and All Powerful Being that no one has ever seen then i should be allowed to poke gentle fun as long as i do it in a hilarious way which i have obviously done. 
And speaking of fun and non controversial topics, after talking about religion today i’m also going to be tweeting during the State of the Union address @migueljose_85 if you want to follow along with me for that as well.  Just so i’m talking about religion and politics all in one day.  And if you can’t handle it go find some other cheesy blog to read because in this blog i bring the gddamn money son!  Or did you not realize what the title meant…
The Money $hout-out of the Week- Speaking of Heavenly bodies, i am proud to give this week’s “Money Shout out” to “Here Comes the Money’s” most FAVORITE girl on the planet, as well as a huge congratulations to her for getting her second straight cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue, the ever lovely, the ever beautiful, and most importantly she’s only 20 years old… Miss Kate Upton!!!
Now THIS makes me believe there must be a God!
Every guy who just looked at this pic just heard and felt their penis go “booooooooWHIP!”  That’s the sound of a flaccid penis going from 6 to 12 in a matter of seconds.  Although i guess the real sound you would hear is boooWHIP followed by a “POP!” as you finally “popped” in your pants.  Which may sound a little disgusting but it is accurate.
And let’s be honest ladies, some of you could use a change of underwear yourself after looking at that angelic face and cans so perfect and firm only God Almighty could have created them.  But Kate is only the second girl since the 90’s to grace the cover of this magazine twice in a row, and for that she not only deserves the “Money Shout out” but she deserves all the fame and money and power in the world.  For real, F Hillary Clinton.  i’m voting Kate Upton in 2016 for the first woman President!  Although speaking of the President, just looking at that picture of Kate has made me create my own personal “White” house, because the walls and ceilings at my place are completely covered in pop!
-i think it’s hilarious that some people would read that last bit and get offended, even though when you think about it all i really said was “boowhip!” and “covered in pop”.  i think the fact that i can use those terms yet still come off as sexist and offensive is pretty impressive, don’t you?
Fast Food FACTSMcDonald’s sells more then 75 hamburgers every second.  And i gave up fast food for 2013 so that fact is all on you motherf*ckers!
No, that’s not me aholes.  This guy is white, i only speak and act white.
And that’s enough blasphemy for one blog don’t ya think?  But yeah enough about religion, is everyone going to watch the State of the Union tonight?  i sure am, and i’m even going to watch both Republican rebuttals that come right after.  The first one coming from the far right Marco Rubio, and the second response by the even wackier Rand Paul who is part of the Tea Bag Party.  Both of them are Republicans, but they sure are having a lot of trouble figuring out who is running that party these days.  They can’t tell if it’s the women and minority hating gun loving side of the party that’s in charge, or if it’s the guys who are even crazier and more racist then that…
But if anyone loves tweeting about your government and honestly, who doesn’t?   i’ll be doing it tonight if you want to join me.  Or you can skip the politics and religion talk and come back on Friday when i talk about the only other thing that is more controversial then both of those things… Valentines day and relationships!!  
Peace be with you,  @migueljose_85

2 Responses to “I think it’d be great if you had a kid that ended up being Pope. That would be the ultimate bragging rights. ‘Oh, your son’s a doctor? Yeah, ours is Pope. Oh, they have a house? He has his own city.’ – Jim Gaffigan”

  1. Richard L. February 12, 2013 at 5:57 pm #

    Your being rediculous, no one goes to hell for being fat and lazy.


  2. Miguel José February 12, 2013 at 9:40 pm #

    This is true. And the church used to not let Mexicans in either, but after the last election both Republicans and Catholics realize they are nothing without the Hispanic vote so they are now letting us in as well. God bless America! And Mexico!


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