If anything the Lance Armstrong confession confirms my belief that exercise leads to deceitful behavior. – Jim Gaffigan

15 Jan

What is up kids?

So i’m feeling really down in the dumps today, and i’m sure all of you are too.  And i know it’s tough but i hope everyone is okay.  For real, i completely understand anyone having trouble sleeping or breathing or eating because they are so full of anxiety after we all found out that  Lance Armstrong lied about taking steroids.  Did that revelation rock your world the same way it did mine?? i mean how DARE Lance Armstrong take steroids!  He rides a bicycle for crying out loud!  And then he gets cancer, and after a lot of treatment he gets better and during that time he gets an organization started that does nothing but gather Cancer awareness and then he goes out and wins the Tour de France a bunch more times against many other people who use steroids but then it turns out he lied about the steroids??  That news was Earth shattering!

Or wait no, i remember now.  i barely know anything about Lance Armstrong and i could care less about the Tour De France.  And if the only thing anyone gets out of this entire ordeal is that people donated tons of money towards cancer research and our biggest problem is that we have an excess in cheap yellow wristbands then we should consider ourselves lucky.

i really, honestly, and truly, could not give less of a $hit about Lance Armstrong. Or most athletes for that matter.  Or most famous people while i’m thinking about it.  Or even more accurately, i don’t give a $hit about most people!

You know who i do care about?  My father.  The marine who married my mom (who is also a marine) and raised 5 kids including yours truly and was able to get us a house in the suburbs as he took the bus to the city to work at 7 am every day for 30 years.  That guy just had his second hip replacement surgery within the same year at 69 years old (haha 69!  Grow up Jen…) yesterday and i’m relieved to say that he is doing really well.  He was pretty hurt up when he first got out, but by the end of the day he was eating and making jokes and yelling at all of us to get out of the hospital and stop bothering him already and we all left feeling a little better about life.

But yeah, it was scary and it’s over but in the end that’s who i care about.  Not some guy on a GT performer who hangs out in France wearing yellow jewelry. Why does anyone care about this guy?  i mean yeah it was a nice story when it was first happening. Everyone can appreciate when someone overcomes the odds, especially after getting cancer and losing a nut.  But so what if he lied?  Stories and people can be great to get inspiration from, but if the source turns out to be a lie that doesn’t make the message any less meaningful most times.  i mean say what you want about cheating, that guy got cancer and still won the Tour de France.  If i get the flu  i’m too lazy to clean my room or do laundry, or even take a shower for crying out loud.  “i thought you didn’t shower because you are Mexican?”  Anyways, the lesson he taught everyone (besides that people should donate to cancer research) is that even things like cancer can’t stop you if you have the will to rise above it.  That lesson is true whether Lance is a lying, cheating scumbag or not.

But whatever, thats’ all i feel like ranting about a guy who has new pegs on his tricycle anyway.  And i know my family doesn’t read my blog anymore because they can’t handle what an offensive lunatic i’ve become.  But i will still say i couldn’t be happier my dad is okay, because i love him to death and he is my true hero.  Even though he never got me that sweet GT performer i wanted back when i was kid!


-So while it’s true that people who live home with their parents don’t have to pay any rent, what people forget is that instead they are paying with their mental sanity that they will most likely never get back.  And by most likely i mean they are scarred for life.   And the worst part is you barely save any money.  All the money you save on rent you spend going out to bars and drinking your face off to try and forget what lunatics your parents are.  That’s probably the reason every time people move home for “a few months” that ends up turning into them staying there way into their 30’s.  “MA! Where’s the Meatloaf!  F*CK!”

-So i’m huge fan of porn, but i have to admit my tastes are getting a little weird these days.  i’m not sure what they call it, but what i like to do is record myself having a conversation with myself on SKYPE and then play it back and masturbate while i talk dirty to myself and then ending by giving myself a money shot to the face.  Is that weird?

JEEBUS CHRISTMAS mIGUEL what the hell are you talking about?!?!? Alright relax, i’m just kidding. i have no funny bits for today so i decided to be lazy and just go for shock value, are you happy??  And it’s good to be shocked and offended, imagine going through life if you were never offended by anything?  How boring would that be?  And how would you know if something was offensive and disgusting unless there were people like me to point out what the line is for you?  So when you think about it, i’m doing all of you a favor.  And when i think about it, i want to get Skype ready on my computer so i can turn my beautiful face into a winter wonderland.

A Great Name for a Punk Band! “The Hoop La’s”

-It’s funny to me that girls love shoes so much.  Especially because for most of them, especially their favorite pairs, they are always EXTREMELY uncomfortable.  i guarantee that if you take a woman’s favorite pair of shoes (or 5 pairs of shoes since we know women can’t pick just one) that my 6 year old pair of running shoes that i still put on are a million times more comfortable, and about $300 cheaper.  And if your wondering what the point of this bit is it’s that women are f’n out of their minds.  But it’s awesome because all i care about is that they look beautiful and they sure know how to do that!

FAST FOOD TIPS : If you’re ready to DESTROY your New Year’s resolutions and i know i am, IHOP has brought back it’s “All you can eat Pancake” deal thru Sunday, January 27th.  Now don’t get me wrong, i’m a huge fan of IHOP.  Or maybe i’m huge because i like IHOP.  Irregardless, this deal is complete garbage and i’ll tell you why.  How many gddamn pancakes can a person eat?  4?  5 if they are starving?  And in order to get the deal you need to get a combo meal that has pancakes which means you have a ton of other food to eat as well.  Or you need to order a 5 stack of pancakes after which they’ll bring you two more at a time till you say “No Mas!” Which means “i don’t want anymore pancakes please” in Spanish.  Anyways i will always support the idea of going to IHOP to eat but i will not and never will support this deal.  Even though i am putting it out on my blog which means i guess i am supporting it.  God i am a moron.

And that’s it for me today kids.   Before i get out of here though i just want to say “happy birthday” to my boy Rick who got another year older recently.  i missed it on Facebook but he reads this blog sometimes so hopefully he gets this shout out.  And for those of you who hate me you should be jealous of Rick, he was in a fraternity and got to haze the $hit out of me when i was trying to join.  Even though i always knew he kinda liked me, even when he was laughing at me as i cleaned his toilet and puked up concoctions.  When i finally tell that story of pledging that blog is gonna be AMAZING…

But that’s not for today, so i hope everyone has a great week!  And oh yeah if you’re not following me on Twitter yet you are blowing it because i was gddamn hilarious during the Golden Globes.  So give a brother a follow and more importantly i will see you kids on Friday for my next blog!

Cya, @migueljose_85


2 Responses to “If anything the Lance Armstrong confession confirms my belief that exercise leads to deceitful behavior. – Jim Gaffigan”

  1. Jim January 15, 2013 at 9:47 pm #

    When are you getting on stage again? Its been 2 years. You're awful at pursuing a dream. You're the equivalent of playing hard to get with someone who doesn't know you exist. STOP BLOWING IT ALREADY.


  2. Anonymous January 17, 2013 at 6:05 pm #

    Miguel, I am the anonymous poster…and I admit that you were right, I am a pathetic mom who has nothing to do but bash your blogs…I decided that I will finally grow up and leave you alone…so consider this the last post from me…the anonymous poster. Sorry to John B for not showing up at your house…I was going to send the father of my kid, but he's not in the picture…so yeah, to everyone I pissed off…I am sorry. I will keep reading your blog as your unofficial #1 fan…but there will be no more posts. You win.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: