You’re gonna listen to me? To something I said? Jesus, man, haven’t I made it abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don’t know $hit? I mean, half the time I’m just talking out of my a$$. Or sticking my hand in it. – Brodie "Mallrats"

18 Dec

What is up kids?

It’s almost gddman Christmas already!  Have all of you finished all of your shopping yet?  You probably have, i’m the only lazy a$$hole who has yet to buy a single gift.  i’m not kidding, i haven’t bought one Christmas present for anyone yet.  “Are you kidding miguel?? We know you’re Mexican which means you have to buy at least 19 presents just for all of the members in your immediate family, let alone the thousands upon thousands of cousins, nephews, uncles and aunts i see busing tables, cleaning the office and mowing my lawn.  How can you possibly get all the presents you have to get by next week!”  

That’s some pretty racist $hit right there buddy, but yeah i’ll agree it’s a little ridiculous to have waited this long.  Why do i do this to myself every year?  Probably because i’m a procrastinating bag of douche who always waits until the last minute for everything.  That would be my best guess.  Although i will admit that sometimes i wish i were like you guys.  You know who i mean, the people that have been done with their Christmas shopping since Halloween.   Or the ones who did all of their shopping online in their underwear, finding great deals and getting free shipping and they never even left the house.  i’ll admit i wish i was like that sometimes.  It sounds like the money way to be, and if there is one thing i’m always trying to be more of is to be more money.

But whatever, i’m not like you.  i’m an awful person who doesn’t learn from my mistakes.  And apparently i’m a fat and sweaty imbecile with a basketball for a stomach.  i mean have you guys read the comments in the comment section lately?  My word!  Some people just do not have the Christmas spirit in them these days.  But luckily that’s what i’m here for!  To spread some motherf*cking gddamn Christmas cheer to those bah humbugs that just can’t wait to stop people from having a good time.  And i swore i would watch my language on this blog but if you ask me that person is just a plain ole GRINCH!!  There, i said it!

But honestly, i can’t be bothered by the negativity of one South pole elf.  i mean what’s the point?  i mean an actual real life tragedy just happened last Friday.  And while most people took that chance to be happy that they are alive and maybe hugged their loved ones a little closer that night, some other people chose to stay angry and spread the hate even during this wonderful season of giving.  On a comedy blog nonetheless.  So what am i to do?  Return the favor?  Let some anonymous name caller and insult thrower hiding behind a computer rattle me up and ruin my good cheer?

i guess i could do that, but i’d rather do what a good friend of mine did in these situations.  His name is Jesus, and his birthday is coming soon!  He taught us to love one another as he loved us, and when people rained insults on him he just turned the other cheek.  And that’s exactly what i plan to do, mostly because me and Jesus have a lot in common.  For one we both have Hispanic names.  And while he was a carpenter i happen to spend a lot of time hanging outside of Home Depots.  And we both have wildly unpopular ideas that people apparently hate us for, and for that they wish nothing but bad things upon us.  Yet we both know love is the only true answer, and that friends and family are all that are important in this life.

So to anyone wondering what my take on all of this is well you have it now.  i welcome any and all comments, and even though i have the ability to remove or delete certain posts or to block certain people from ever posting again i will never do it.  i welcome this hateful banter for many reasons, and one of them happens to be i find it hilarious.   It did occur to me that it’s pathetic to hate someone so much yet to still read every word of every blog they write and then comment on it to prove that they read it.  And it’s also sad that they think fat jokes or that anything said from an annomoyous person could actually get to me.  And it did occur to me that these negative comments were just a sad and desperate attempt from a lonely person trying to get attention in an otherwise meaningless life.  But then i remembered that last part is also the reason i started this blog!  So i guess i’d be a hypocrite to call you out for that…

But anyways, this was going to be my big Christmas spectacular blog but this had to be addressed i guess.  i know the shooting is still fresh on everyone’s mind, and between dealing with that horror as well as replying back to my #1 fan i’m just a little off track today. But now that we got those elephants in the room out of the way and i never have to mention either thing again, why don’t i get back to what i do best!  Which of course is stealing my friends jokes and using them in Random Nonsense for my blog.  Praise Jesus!

RANDOM NONSENSE

-So if there’s one thing i hate more then wrapping presents it’s UN-wrapping presents, especially when someone is watching me.  Who can handle that pressure?  There is nothing worse then having to fake happiness when opening someones stupid gift.  And what makes it worse is that they are always so excited to give it to you!  “OMG you’re going to LOVE this present miguel!  Am i?  Am i really?  Because if i truly was you could have just given it to me without this added pressure of me having to like it already.  Because let’s be honest, how many times have you opened a present in your life and have TRULY been that excited to get it?  Twice?  Maybe 4 times if you have an awesome best friend who really gets you? And some of us are really bad actors, we can’t all of a sudden turn into Morgan Freedman and get an academy award for “Best Present Acceptance.”  Because my expressions are pretty easy to read.  When i open up that sweater you got me and my face looks like Lindsay Lohan trying to act in that Elizabeth Taylor movie on the Lifetime channel you’ll understand why.  So can we as a country make it a rule that we never have to open presents in front of the people who get them for us?  Although that makes me think of another rule at Christmas that we need to work on…

-Why don’t we make it acceptable to give money as gifts?  Who doesn’t want money?  It’s the best and easiest gift to get for someone ever, and for some reason society has decided that it’s not “thoughtful” enough.  What’s this now?  Money isn’t gddamn thoughtful?  i’m pretty sure that money goes with everything, and if that is what you get me i won’t have to fake my happiness the way i did in my joke above.  i will be generally and most sincerely happy!  And i would honestly be touched to get such an amazing gift.  Unlike clothes, i know money will fit me and will never go out of style.  And unlike gift cards i won’t be forced to shop at only one place, with money as my gift i will be free to pick and choose whatever store i want!  Which is way better then trying to hang on to that gift receipt so i can go try and return your gift with a hundred other unhappy aholes that will be doing the same thing.  So for real, let’s do the right thing America.  Weed is legal in two states and gay marriage is becoming more acceptable as each day goes by.  Isn’t it time that we made it acceptable to give cash as gifts from now on?  It’s time for a change!

-So i don’t have any children, mostly because there is no birth control method better then the old reliable move of “pulling out.”  But because of this fact there are a lot of new traditions that children and families take part in that i am just learning about now and that i find insane.  Like has everyone heard of this whole “Elf on a Shelf” idea?  For those heterosexual single men i know let me inform you of this latest atrocity towards humankind.  Basically what happened was that parents were not happy enough with the knowledge that they tell lies to their kids with a straight face about an imaginary Santa Clause who brings presents every Christmas.  Now let’s forget the fact that now all kids care about is Santa and presents and don’t even remember that it’s Jesus’s birthday.  But year after year when a child’s mind is at their most vulnerable and they will believe anything, parents tell their children a big lie that if they are good all year they will get presents from Santa, and it is only when the children are old enough to see through their parents bull$hit do they realize the whole thing is a huge scam.   Well apparently that was not big enough lie for them to tell, because now parents do this whole “Elf on a Shelf” bit where they hide an elf in the house at a different spot each night.  i guess the lie they tell this time is that the Elf is spying on the kids to report back to Santa if they are being good or not, and each night they hide somewhere different and the children have to find them.  But they can’t touch them!  If they touch them the elves lose their “magic” and won’t be able to report to Santa whether they’ve been good or bad this year.  i mean jeepers creepers folks, now we’re lying to our kids about elves?  i don’t have any kids currently because like i said i’m pro-choice, but do these parents really want to start their relationship with their barely out of the womb children on what just ends up being a big web of lies?  i say be honest with your kids, let them know it was mommy and daddy who got them their gifts.  And for real don’t you want that credit?  Don’t you want the positive attention from getting your children what they want instead of telling them fibs at bedtime?  You don’t want that?  Oh well, then f*ck me then.  Bah humbug.

Fast Food Tips – According to the Mayans the world is supposed to end this weekend.  Which means there is one more chance to get your favorite cult Mcdonald’s sandwich before it all ends because the McRib is back! That’s right kids, the legend returned this month to make sure everyone can have one more barbequey delicious bite of awfulness before the world burns to the ground and we all perish in flames.  Although if the world doesn’t end this weekend and you do eat a Mcrib well then your ass will perish in flames and you’ll have burns and runs that go to the ground.  But thank you McDonald’s for one of the best advertising campaigns in all of history, because the way you only release this sandwich for a limited time once every few years is genius.  Especially considering if it was always on the menu no one would get that horrific tasting garbage ever.  But since it’s so rare i need it and must have it! And two just like it!  And if you walk into my bathroom right after i had one then trust me the world did not really end it just smells like it…
And that’s it today kids!  Except for the comment section of course where all my “real” fans like to comment every time, just to let me know they can’t help reading all of my hilarious jokes and insightful thoughts.  i really do have some of the best fans, i mean to come back and comment every time just shows how much you love me and i can’t tell you how much i appreciate it.  So have a great week my friends, get that last minute Christmas shopping done and come back on Friday for my last blog of the year, if not ever if the Mayans were correct…
See you all on Friday!
-miguel jo$e

Oh wait, before i go i gots one last thing.  Now that they are officially out of the playoffs after losing to the Titans on Monday night.  And now that Mark Sanchez has 51 turnovers by himself in the last 30 games (thanks to little Speegs for that factoid), it’s time to give Sanchez and the Jets a good old holiday filled Christmastime carol they should be used to hearing…

LATER DICKS!


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4 Responses to “You’re gonna listen to me? To something I said? Jesus, man, haven’t I made it abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don’t know $hit? I mean, half the time I’m just talking out of my a$$. Or sticking my hand in it. – Brodie "Mallrats"”

  1. Jim December 20, 2012 at 2:17 pm #

    Solid “Later Dicks”…

    Like

  2. Miguel José December 20, 2012 at 3:21 pm #

    It hurt to say that to a fellow Mexican but it had to happen. Although i should have said “Adios Dicks!” but i wasn't funny enough to think of that yesterday

    Like

  3. Jim December 20, 2012 at 7:40 pm #

    Adios Dicks should be a new bit.

    Like

  4. Anonymous December 20, 2012 at 11:02 pm #

    Usually it's the Mexican taking the white man's job, not vice versa.

    Robert

    Like

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