Truly a sight to behold. A man beaten. The once great champ, now, a study in moppishness. No longer the victory hungry stallion we’ve raced so many times before, but a pathetic, washed up, aged ex-champion. – Yee Sook Ree "Better Off Dead"

11 Dec

What is up kids?

It’s time for part two of the fascinating break-up/drunken high school story i started on Friday!  “But miguel, we NEVER read your Friday blog!  For real, i’ll admit that when i’m sitting on the toilet bowl on a Tuesday afternoon i always remember to read it.   Mostly because when i’m taking a $hit that’s when i remember, “oh yeah! miguel’s $hitty blog!  That’s something to do while i’m deucing!”  But when it’s Friday and i’m ready to have a fantastic weekend why would i bother with your nonsense?”  

Dammit, those are all good points.  But for once you may have to go back and read it, because this is part two of that rant and if you don’t read part 1 then today’s rant might not make sense.  Although for those of you that are too lazy to do that (and knowing my readers that’s probably the majority of you) i’ll do my best to sum up the story to this point.  A girl dumped me in high school and i did 3 shots each of whiskey, gin, vodka and scotch and got totally bombed.

Okay, so it wasn’t that hard to sum up.  How did that take me an entire rant to explain?  MAN i’m a terrible writer!  But yeah that’s where we left off so let’s finish this thing already.

So after doing all 12 of those shots in what had to be ten minutes tops, the next thing i remember was falling on my kitchen floor and LAUGHING.  Laughing my gddamn balls off!  i don’t know what i thought was so funny, maybe how horrifically pathetic i was for being so depressed over being dumped by a girl who i was only dating for two weeks.  But that was high school!  A two week relationship in high school is comparable to the length of a real life marriage these days.  But whatever the reason, i was a laughing crying maniac who was bombed off of my a$$, literally.  So from this point on it’s going to be kinda hard to tell the rest of the story because the details are a little hazy.  Probably because i drank an entire weekend’s worth of alcohol in the time in the time it takes me to get hard thinking of Kate Upton.  But i’ll do my best!  Speaking of which…

Alright so where was i?  That’s right, this so called “fiscal cliff.”  Does anyone ever stop to realize that Democrats do stuff like fight for gay rights and and try to get health care to people who can’t afford it and work on getting better immigration reform and Republicans do stuff like fighting for the richest 2% in the country?  No wonder they lost the election!

No wait, i was telling that high school story.  Gotcha.  Okay so i do remember calling my friend Sean and babbling nonsense, again mostly crying and laughing.  i kinda remember him saying “miguel, what the f*ck are you talking about?” and then just hanging up on me at some point.  That’s when i called my best friend Duffy who was somehow able to make sense of my babbling.  He told me to come by his house so away i went!  But this is where you need to remember this was high school back in the day, which means if you were a kid you walked EVERYWHERE.  Not like today where kids get rides across the street for crying out loud.  Are kids even allowed to walk anywhere these days?  i know they can’t ride a bicycle without wearing a helmet, knee pads, shoulder pads, a mouthpiece AND jock strap.  But back in the day us kids walked all over the gddamn place.  And i don’t remember much of that walk, but Duffy lived around 2 miles away which when you are a blacked out teenager walking across town is FOREVER away.   Although i do remember being a crying, stumbling, laughing fool as i made my way through my entire town.  i guess i’m lucky it was early in the night because if it was later there was no WAY a cop wouldn’t have stopped me and brought me in.  Not because i was underage drinking, but because what else do cops do in suburban Bergen County towns then harass teenagers?

Anyways, after what must have been an ETERNITY i finally made it to Duffy’s house.  And i remember him grabbing me and bringing me upstairs to his room before his parents saw me because after taking one look at me he could see what a disaster i was.  Next thing i know i’m laying on his floor, feeling totally sick to my stomach all by myself and that is where this story ends.

For today anyway!  Once again this rant is running way too long and i’m gonna have to finish this masterpiece on Friday i guess.  And trust me it’s worth it!  There’s a high school party that we go to and the entire night ends at a pizza place where for some reason my idiot friends let me eat pizza.  And you can only guess how that turns out!  For real, you can only guess because i’m not finishing this story till Friday.

So i hope everyone is having a good week so far!  i’ll finish this rant on Friday hopefully but for now let’s get to some even more nonsense!


-Do you want to know a real douche way to get a free drink at a crowded bar?  Of course you do, why else do you read this blog?  Anyways, here’s what you do.  It needs to be at a place that has more then one bartender and is preferably pretty packed.  A crowded bar in the city works perfect for this.  But what you do first is order just a club soda.  Or really any clear carbonated drink would work, like a Sprite for example.  Get it with a lime if you can, and if not grab a lime from the bar when they aren’t looking and put it in your drink.  Then you go to the bartender you didn’t order the drink from and go “Excuse me, i ordered a Vodka and club but they gave me a Vodka tonic.”  And almost without fail the bartender will just pour out that drink and make you a new one, no questions asked.  Except maybe “what kind of Vodka?” which where if you are smart you will reply Grey goose.  Because who has time to check these things?  It’s super busy and the bartender doesn’t care, plus it’s a simple enough mistake to make.  So it’s a foolproof plan and when you get your free drink don’t forget to thank me!  And also don’t forget you are a creepo lowlife who should probably not go out to bars if you can’t afford to drink at them.

-When applying for a new job, it’s probably best if you don’t use your regular email address.  Make up one that uses a combination of your first and last name, like mjose85@gmail, or something to that effect.  Companies are much more likely to get back to you when you use that then if you used your normal one, RIDEZHERHARD69@YAHOO.COM

ONE HITTERS: How old do i have to get before i automatically know how to play the card game “Pinnacle?”

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- i can NOT wrap presents.  i just can’t do it.  i mean i can do it but i end up using about two rolls of wrapping paper and 4 rolls of scotch tape per present.  i just don’t get how to do it and i don’t care.  i’m awful in math and geometry and algebra and i think you need to be good at all three to wrap presents.  i can get like one side to look good, maybe two i guess.  But anything more then that is a crumpled up mess covered in tape.  And when i don’t use the right amount i’ll just cut out the size paper i need and tape over whatever is showing.  And really, who f’n cares???  It’s just gonna get ripped apart anyway, does it really matter how it looks?  Thank God for gift bags, because that has solved a LOT of problems.  And maybe i use gift bags because i’m going “green” and i’m trying to save the planet, had that thought ever occurred to you??? Well it shouldn’t have because i’m lying and there is no chance that is the reason i use gift bags.  So when you get a gift from me and it looks like a monkey with down syndrome wrapped your present trust me you are not that far off.

Guy Who F*CKED Me In Fantasy Football This Week… –  Well apparently Since the Arizona Cardinals are not a real football team i am no longer in the fantasy football playoffs in one of my leagues.  It’s not because my team was bad, or because the team i played was better.  But because there is an NFL organization that doesn’t realize that the Quarterback of their football team should be someone who has ever played the sport before, i in turn lost my playoff game and my season is done.  And i’m not exaggerating, this team had no quarterback last year so there big plan for this year was to stick to that same plan.  It’d be like eating a nice huge spoonful of $hit, throwing up, and then deciding “hey, maybe now that spoonful will taste TERRIFIC!”  And it’s funny that it’s Arizona, because that is easily one of the top 3 worst states in our country.  So it would only make sense their football team is just has awful as the rest of that pathetic state.  But thanks a lot to the Cardinals for giving the Seattle Seahawks 41 POINTS TO THEIR DEFENSE!!!   And yes it’s true it took a miracle like that for me to lose so i shouldn’t feel too bad.  And i still won the division so i get 50 bucks, and if the pathetic ahole who beat me wants to bet that 50 bucks that he doesn’t win his game next week i will gladly do it.  But even though he looks it he’s not that stupid.  Because he knows his win was a fluke and that his team is garbage.  And yeah he may want to talk trash to me, but the fact is i at least win 50 bucks and if he doesn’t win another game he gets nothing.  So even after needing a miracle to beat me i will still win money and he won’t.  That’s one $hitty best case scenario but one my opponent definitely deserves.  Screw you Tommy, i’m glad you lost by 2 points in No Molls.  No i’m not but yeah i’m pretty bitter.  Love you Tommy.

Fast Food Tips – Wendy’s pretty much has the worst burgers, except of course when you’re eating a couple of JBC’s late at night after a long bender of drinking free Grey Goose and clubs.  However, their chicken sandwiches are pretty money, and right now they have a new one that puts a Dave Thomas sized b0ner in my pants.    It’s the “Mozzarella Chicken Supreme” sandwich and it’s just like their other chicken sandwiches only with Mozzarella  cheese as well as a creamy parmesan sauce.  i actually did try this one and when i was done i was covered in my own creamy sauce so i suggest you all go out and try one as soon as you can.

And for anyone keeping track, my blog last Friday was my first blog to not have a “Fast Food Tips” in FOREVER.  If anyone can tell me the last blog that i didn’t include a fast food tips then you are a psycho and apparently a stalker because no one should be that into my blog.

But that’s it for me today kids.  Happy Channukah or Hanukkah or Chanhannkanukah to all my Jewish readers who are celebrating!  i hope you get all the dreidels and socks your heart desires.  And oh yeah before i leave, i totally dropped a “Better Off Dead” quote as well a picture of Lanye Myer about to hang himself.  But i did not put up a picture of the the funniest image of that movie, and if i don’t Harrison will never forgive me.  Me and Harrison pretty much DIED laughing when we saw this back in the day and it’d be a shame to end this blog without paying homage to it so here it is.  Cya kids on Friday for part 3 of this rant!

– miguel jo$e


4 Responses to “Truly a sight to behold. A man beaten. The once great champ, now, a study in moppishness. No longer the victory hungry stallion we’ve raced so many times before, but a pathetic, washed up, aged ex-champion. – Yee Sook Ree "Better Off Dead"”

  1. Jim December 11, 2012 at 4:53 pm #

    Haha, oh Ricky…


  2. Anonymous December 11, 2012 at 7:39 pm #

    Full stalker mode/unhealthy obsession with your blog. I believe the last time you didn't include a fast food tip was in August. The week after your party so it was either the the 21st or the 24th. I wanna say the 24th.

    Loved your blog today as always! =)
    Oh and I already tried the new chicken sandwhich and I agree it's delicious.

    love, Stef =)
    your #1 slightly obsessed fan hahahaha


  3. Miguel José December 12, 2012 at 4:30 am #

    We used to rewind and pause this scene and die laughing for HOURS. And yes i said rewind and pause because it was a VCR and we are 87 years old


  4. Miguel José December 12, 2012 at 4:30 am #

    First of all, you're scaring me. Secondly if all my readers were as faithful as you i'd be rich. Thanks for being the money 🙂


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