Not saying or doing something you believe in, in case someone "takes it the wrong way", is basically changing the world to suit idiots. – Ricky Gervais

30 Nov

What is up kids?

i feel like Ricky Gervais in that picture above because it’s Friday and i feel like DANCING!  Don’t you feel that way sometimes when it’s Friday?  Like nothing can get you down, even that $hitty job you work at? One of those days you walk in the office and just go, “Nope, i’m not doing $HIT today!”

Because that’s a great feeling, when you already mentally check out before you’ve even had your coffee in the morning.  i mean don’t get me wrong, it’s a bad habit to do that every Friday.  And when you start doing that every single day it may be time to look for a new line of work.  Because no one should be THAT miserable at their job.  i mean yeah all of our jobs have it’s ups and downs.  But every once in awhile you work at a place that as soon as your alarm goes off in the a.m. you can feel your body cringe, and the reality of the awfulness you are about to face hits you instantly before you even open your eyes.  Even your shower sucks because you can’t enjoy it thinking about the day you are about to have, and you can barely even eat your crappy breakfast because your stomach is sick thinking of all the garbage you have to put up with from a$$holes who are the worst…

But not today!  Not on Friday Friday, gettin down on Friday.  Everybody’s looking forward to the weekend! Friday, Friday, gettin down on Friday!  MAN that’s a great tune, did Rebecca Black win the Academy Award for that song yet or what?  Because it is still straight up MONEY.  And yes if you want to know the funniest thing about looking up those lyrics right now was that when i went to go look them up on Google that selection was already highlighted which means i’ve already done that search.  Good times.

But yeah no matter what your deal is there’s just something different about Fridays that make everything in life better.  Because the weekend is finally gddamn here!!!  And once you leave your job that is the longest possible break you can have before you have to go to work again!  It’s like in the Simpsons when the family gets home from church and everyone’s celebrating and throwing off their church clothes.  Marge yells at them for getting their clothes wrinkled and Homer says, “Who cares, this is the best part of the week!”  To which Lisa replies “It’s the longest possible time before more church!”  And if you’re wondering why i didn’t use that quote to start off my blog well it’s because i couldn’t figure out how to use that quote properly in the beginning of my blog so instead i used that Gervais one and used the Simpsons one here.  And i’m sure explaining that as well as just writing out a Simpsons episode on my rant is getting me huge laughs and all my new readers will definitely come back!

“You’re not even trying anymore, are you miguel?” 

No, no i’m not.  But it’s Friday and i don’t feel like i should try.  There’s two different types of people who work on Friday.  There are those that try to get a lot done because it’s a little quieter in the office and now they finally have the time to get everything done that they couldn’t all week.  And then there are jerk 0ffs like me who figure Friday is a holiday and whatever work i have to do can wait until Monday because my weekend has already started.

Well my weekend has already started kids!  And i’ve been checked out since before i started this blog so this is all you get today. If it makes you feel better i already wrote my “RANDOM NONSENSE” bits so those are still sure to be funny as f*ckballs.  So let’s stop wasting each other’s time and get right too it, shall we???


-Does everyone know what a “smash” cake is?  And no i don’t mean “smoosh” cake which is what you call it when two greasy Italians in wife beaters double team Snookie.  And oh yeah if you’re having smoosh cake do NOT lick the frosting!  Anyways i’m not talking about that, i’m talking about a “smash” cake.  Because i had no idea what that was until i went to a one year old’s birthday party recently and i found out for myself.  “What were you doing at a one year old’s birthday party you creepy ahole????”  i’m going through a strange Milf phase right now, leave me alone.  Anyways, apparently since it’s irresponsible parenting to let a one year old eat a slice of birthday cake, instead they make an entire cake for the child called a “smash” cake that is just there for the little tyke to just mush up with their hands and get all over their face and everywhere so you can clean it up.  There is also another cake that the rest of the family gets to actually eat and enjoy i guess but the smash cake is simply for the kid.  Seems a little ridiculous to me, and just a waste of good cake to be honest.  But parents are nuts so that’s what they do now.  Most of you probably knew this already, but i’m sure a bunch of heterosexual men who don’t have kids had ZERO clue what the F this was until i told you right now.   And when you get down to it that’s really the point of my blog, isn’t it?  To inform all of you with all of the useless nonsense i have rattling around in my dome?  “Oh really?  Because i thought the point of this blog was to make us laugh!”  Oh yeah, and that too i guess.

-Isn’t it discomforting when you take one of those REALLY bad dumps?  i mean like straight up end of the world type smell.  You know the ones i mean.  Because we are all familiar with the smell of our normal brew.  But every once in a while you take one of those ones that even YOU think is horrific.  Those ones you take after eating those questionable Chinese food leftovers, and that late night JBC and vanilla frosty from Wendy’s at 2 in the morning after boozing Natty light and taking shots of Cuervo.  And then you leave a Sandy like disaster behind in the bowl, one of those deuces that make eyes water and actually raises the temperature in the room as the dump sweats drip down your brow.  So you leave and try to forget the horror you just witnessed, but then you walk by your bathroom later and are then overwhelmed with a smell of dread that no amount of Febreeze can overcome.  And your first thought is that it had to be someone else, because there’s no possible way for a human to make that kind of smell, is there?  At least one that’s living anyways.   But yeah isn’t that crazy?

Alright i just realized at the end there that i had nowhere to go with this bit.  And i’m also figuring most girls don’t have this experience because they don’t eat the amount of awfulness most guys do.  But who knows, maybe i’m wrong.  i’m probably wrong.  And well if i’m going to go with bathroom humor today it’s probably time to finally bring back one of my favorite bits!

THINGS THAT GUYS NEVER WANT TO HEAR AT A URINAL – “Hey, me and you have the same birthmark!”

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE –Why don’t people use their turn signals when making a turn while driving?  Besides the fact that most people are selfish reckless aholes who deserve to die in a horrific car accident i mean.  i guess this mostly happens in New Jersey, but i gotta assume these c0cksuckers are all over the country.  Do you realize how f’n easy it is to use your signal?  And what a big difference it makes to the other drivers on the road?  Of course you don’t, because your a self absorbed bag of douche, and when someone crashes into your car hard from behind because you are too much of a piece of $hit to use your blinker i hope you get paralyzed.    And i hope you’re on your cell phone with your family at the time so that when this happens they can hear you scream in agony as your spinal cord is crushed and your body becomes a useless sack of $hit because you couldn’t use your turn signal or shut your f’n yapper while driving.   And when your spouse leaves you to be with someone who can satisfy them sexually which you obviously can’t do anymore, i hope there is one part of you that realizes “hey, maybe if i just used my blinker when making that turn, and maybe if i could drive 5 minutes without having to talk on the stupid phone and run my stupid mouth about nothing i wouldn’t be where i am today.”  And then i hope you have a painful heart attack and die.  Seasons Greetings! 🙂

A Great Name for a Punk Band! “The High Jinx”

Fast food tips – Starbucks is my favorite chain coffee place by far, mostly because Dunkin Donuts coffee is watered down garbage.  Alright fine it doesn’t taste that bad, but DD does not wake me up AT ALL.  And if i’m drinking coffee to try to be ready for work at 8 a.m. i need something strong to get me going, like cocaine or Starbucks coffee.   That white gold is a little too expensive for me these days which is the reason i switched to Starbucks, but it looks like now that financial decision won’t matter since Starbucks now has a $7 cup of coffee!  That’s right kids, this Costa Rica Finca Palmilera brand coffee has been unveiled in up to 48 different Starbucks stores, half of them are in Seattle.  The taste is described as, “a little bit of pineapple, herbal complexity, super clean, vibrant, sparklingness, lush, tropical, hints of white, not yellow peach.”  Or to sum that up, this coffee tastes like “pretentious douche with a hint of a$$hole.”  i think if you buy this coffee you are a lunatic, especially if you buy an 8 ounce bag of it that costs $40!!!  Although i’m not gonna lie, if i’m ever at a Starbucks that carries this nonsense i am definitely going to buy one.  Mostly because i’m a pretentious bag of douche with a hint of a$$hole.

ANNNND that’s it for me this Friday kids.  i hope everyone is ready for the money gddamn weekend because i know i am.  If you’re at work right now you only have a few hours to go, so good luck with that and when you get out of there make sure you give a great big smile because that second you walk out is the longest possible time before more work!

 Cya Tuesday, miguel jo$e

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