Have you ever noticed that you never get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it’s because all the coats are on the bed. – George Carlin

20 Nov

What is up kids?

Thank God for short weeks!  It’s only Tuesday but for most of us that means we only have one more day to go.  And i guess it also means that i’m only going to do one blog this week since it’s Thanksgiving this Thursday.  Wait, what? It’s gddamn Thanksgiving already???  Is it me or is this holiday MAD early this year?   It’s like i literally just took down my July 4th decorations and now it’s already Thanksgiving!  And yes i just took them down because i’m a lazy fat Mexican who likes to keep up flag decorations all over his house as long as possible, mostly because i’m trying to convince people i’m an “actual” American and that i was born right here in the U.S. and A and that i don’t need this “green” card that everyone keeps talking about.

But that’s besides the point.  The point is it’s Thanksgiving this Thursday and i’m not ready at ALL.  Although i am a guy, so for the most part all i need to do is show up, possibly bring a pie or a bottle of wine, and sit down and eat with my family until the football games come on and we don’t have to pretend to ask each other what everybody is up to.  “How’s work?”  How do you think work is?  It’s f’n miserable and it’s sucking the life out of me and if anything has changed since the last time we spoke it has changed for the worse.  Did you notice that i wasn’t the one to bring up my job?  Probably because i didn’t feel like talking about it…

But Thanksgiving isn’t about discussing how awful work always is, it’s about time with family and being thankful for what we have in life.  Oh wait, i’m sorry.  i was thinking of Christmas.  Thanksgiving is all about jamming food down our disgusting throats until there’s a cornucopia of turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes and sweet potato pie deep in our bowels and balleens ready to burst!   Because let’s be honest, this family stuff is okay.  But it’s the huge fantastic meal that everyone is truly looking forward to.  My mom may start complaining about something that i am doing wrong in life, but that delicious meal will never judge me.  The kind of meal that when you look across the table at ALL of the food your mom and grandma made, and maybe your sisters helped with, you can’t help but give thanks to the bounty you are about to receive.  And your penis can’t help but give a little “boowhip!” and cry a small tear of semen in gratitude for all the joys this life can bring.

And it’s not even just the meal you are thankful for, but the knowledge that there will be days upon days worth of amazing leftovers!  Am i crazy to think that i am actually looking more forward to the turkey sandwich i’m going to make for the late football game, more then i’m looking forward to actual turkey we will have at dinner?  For real, just get me one of those leftover rolls, heat up some turkey and stuffing and gravy and mashed, put on a nice coat of mayo on that bad boy and go to f’n TOWN!  In fact, maybe i’ll just skip Thanksgiving dinner this year and just show up when it’s time for the leftovers.  Would that not be the classiest move of all time?  And everyone knows if there is one thing you can call me, it is definitely fat.  But then the second thing you would call me would be classy!  The third thing would be that i’m a hot Hispanic lover who is surprisingly fantastic in bed, and the fourth and last thing you could call me is a liar.  Because i’m not THAT fat…

What am i even talking about at this point?  i’m talking about America, and i’m talking about being thankful that we are lucky enough to live in this country.  And i am thankful for a lot of things.  First and foremost my family and friends who i love more then anything.  Especially as i get older, because you start to cherish certain relationships a lot more then others.  When you’re young, especially when you’re a social butterfly you seem to be friends with EVERYONE.  And not even that, you constantly make new friends and add new people to your life left and right.  But then when you get into your thirties you start to realize “hey, i don’t like any of these people!”  And you start dropping people out of your life quicker then the Republican party is dropping ties to Romney after the election.  But you realize that those friends that you’ve had since childhood, or your friend from college that is still your best friend to this day, these relationships mean the world to you and you realize how thankful you are to have them.

But nothing is more important then family.  Because when it comes down to it, these are the people who will always be on your side.  And this is true even if they do constantly complain about you and do nothing but argue and complain about NONSENSE the entire time you’re with them.  All that senseless arguing and bitchy fights over nothing may drive you INSANE, but never forget that is the point of your family.  The reason everyone fights and everyone yells at each other is because everyone is on an equal playing field.  It’s not like you’re at your girlfriend or wife’s house and you need to watch what you say in front of everyone.  Or if you’re at your boyfriend or husbands house and the mom is talking absolute GARBAGE and you need to keep your mouth shut, or the daughter is dressed like a complete whore and you can’t make any comments.  When you’re with your family anyone will say ANYTHING, and as annoying as that is it’s also a great thing.

Because it’s hard to be a pretentious ahole when you’re with your family.  You can act all high and mighty whenever you’re with other people, but your parents and brothers and sisters remember when you were a young dumb kid who put toy trucks in his nose and could never learn to say the word “spaghetti” correctly.  “PSGETTI!  PASGHETTI!  SPAGETTA!”  The people you work with, or the friends you’ve recently made in life all only see your good qualities.  But your family will remind you of EVERYTHING that is wrong with you quicker then i bought that plane ticket to Colorado after the election.  It doesn’t matter if you’re a fat cat on Wall Street, or a major CEO of a huge company, or if you just wrote that article that was printed in “TIME’ magazine, or even had a small acting gig in the new “Twilight: Breaking Dawn 2” as a tweeny bopper vampire who gets killed when eating that garlic pizza.  No matter what you’ve done in your own life that other people think is amazing your family is NEVER impressed.  To other people you may be the $hit, but to your family are nothing but.  They may love you and they may be proud of you, but they will still find the need to tell your date about the time you left prom early because you sneezed too hard and deuced yourself by accident. Or that time when you were loud and drunk at your niece’s christening and threw up in the back pew and blamed it on the devil.  That’s what your family thinks of you, and we should all be thankful for that.

Because it’s easy for anyone to lie to us and say how great we are.  And it’s easy to lie to ourselves and say we’re exactly where we want to be, and it’s easy to pretend that we’re doing great to strangers or people we only pass by in our lives.  But it is our family and friends that see and can tell us the truth, it’s our family and friends that won’t let us lie to ourselves, and it’s our family and friends that make this life worth living.  So this Thursday on Thanksgiving of course i’m going to eat too much and spend way too much time watching football and worrying about my Fantasy football team’s game that i NEED to win this week to have a chance to get into the playoffs!  But i’ll also be thankful for the people i love, and i’ll also be thankful to you aholes who read my blog.  Because for real, thank you so much!  It’s fun to be insane but it’s more fun when you know people are listening to your nonsense ramblings.  So thanks to you my readers, and i hope you and yours have a great Thanksgiving!

RANDOM NONSENSE

-Is there any food better at Thanksgiving dinner then stuffing?  For real, i don’t care if it’s stove top or your mothers secret recipe, stuffing is the shiznittle bam, snip snap sack!  And oh yeah whoever gets that reference is the money (yeah i know you know it jj).  But that’s literally all i can think about when i think about this holiday, and it’s nice to know it’s only two more days till i can have it!  And what a great name for a food, “stuffing”.  They didn’t even bother trying to describe what the actual food is, they must have started eating it and said “holy $hitballs this food is good!  i can’t stop stuffing my gddamn f*cking face with this deliciousness!  What should we call this motherf*cking fantastic food?”  “i say you call this $hit “stuffing” because who cares what it is, we can’t stop stuffing our fat f*cking faces with this orgasmic f*cking amazingness!  So “stuffing” it is!”   It’s funny to think that that is how the name “stuffing” entered our vocabulary.  i’m not positive but i’m pretty sure that is word for word the conversation the Indians had when they came up with the name at the first Thanksgiving.  And people think history is boring…

-Why do they always make condoms that are ribbed for “her” pleasure?  Don’t they realize it’s the guys who have to wear these awful things?  What about my pleasure?  Forget about her, she’s probably already used to shoving things made of plastic up inside her cooter, and probably plastic that vibrates while we’re at it.  Why don’t we make condoms that are for my pleasure?  “They do make something for your pleasure miguel, it’s called “not using condoms”.  Oh true, i forgot about those.  Those are my favorite because the sex feels awesome and it’s mad cheap!  Except for all those expenses you get in 9 months i mean.

-And speaking of sex, as a society can we all just decide whether it’s okay or not to hold a girls head down while she’s giving you a bj?  And i don’t mean like forcefully hold it down, i mean just placing your hand on her head as she bobs up and down on your knob.  We either need to decide as a country whether that is acceptable or not, or at the very least this is something that needs to be decided on on the first date.  No, f that.  BEFORE the first date!  Because let’s be honest, some girls could care less and actually prefer you to put your hand there, yet other girls get SO offended if you even attempt it and want you to stop immediately!  And those are two COMPLETELY different outcomes and it’s not fair for us to find out that we did the wrong thing in the actual moment. So ladies, please come up with a technique you can all agree on going forward, or at the very least tell a brother on the first date so we know where to put our hands!

oh and  P.S., personally i don’t see what the big deal is. When i’m returning the favor and my head is downtown eating her own special Thanksgiving stuffing you can use more then two hands for all i care.  As long as they are all female i will not be offended!

ONE HITTERS:  I’m really glad they made, the Children’s Aide, Society!

Does anyone remember that jingle?  If you do i bet that $hit’s in your head all day now.  You’re welcome.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE: So as much as i love Thanksgiving, i absolutely DESPISE the night before Thanksgiving.  Or “Amateur Hour with the a$$holes you graduated high school with” as i like to call it.  Some people love the idea of going back to their hometown and going to their local dive bar that is now super crowded with jerkoffs from high school, and paying for overpriced beers only to try and drive home later to avoid all the DWI stops every two seconds.  But for some reason i don’t enjoy this “holiday.”  Because who wants to go out drinking on those nights?  i’m already i minority driving around in Bergen County, now i’m going to try and push the limit even more?  And the best part of getting absolutely hammered the night before Thanksgiving is that when all that delicious food starts being put out the next day, you don’t want any of it because your stomach hurts so much from throwing up all night and morning.  Way to ruin the holiday dickface!  Was it worth it?  No it wasn’t, which is why i hate the night before Thanksgiving.  And you should too, it’s for rookies just like New Years Eve.  But don’t even get me STARTED on New Years Eve…

Fast food tips: Thanksgiving Edition! First of all i know what you’re thinking.  “Fast Food Tips??  On Thanksgiving?  C’mon guy, who eats fast food on Thanksgiving??”  Um, only the classiest and smartest motherf’ers around kids!  Because what is the one thing that you feel is missing at every Thanksgiving dinner?  i’ll give you a hint… it’s White Castle!  But what if i told you there was a way you could combine White Castle with the best holiday of the year?  “Holy S miguel i’d crap my pants in glee!”  Well you’re in luck my friends, because straight from White Castle’s website i give you the recipe for “White Castle Turkey Stuffing!” 
1991 Cookoff Winner
10
White Castle hamburgers, no pickles
1 1/2 cups
celery, diced
1 1/4 tsp.
ground thyme
1 1/2 tsp.
ground sage
3/4 tsp.
coarsely ground black pepper
1/4 cup
chicken broth
In a large mixing bowl, tear the burgers into pieces and add diced celery and seasonings. Toss and add chicken broth. Toss well. Stuff cavity of turkey just before roasting. Makes about 9 cups (enough for a 10- to 12-pound turkey). Note: Allow 1 hamburger for each pound of turkey, which will be the equivalent of 3/4 cup of stuffing per pound.
So to all of you who have thought, “i enjoy Thanksgiving and i love taking a big steamy dump after all is said and done, but i kinda wish i could take bigger and longer deuces to make the holiday last even longer”  To those of you who thought that enjoy your White Castle stuffing and thank me later!  And oh yeah those of you who thought that… MAN do you have problems!  But you have come to the right blog.   And the best thing about this stuffing is that it’s good for the kids as well!
ANNNNND i’m spent.  That’s it for me this week kids.  i hope everyone has a fantastic holiday!  And i hope if you are out at midnight for Black Friday you get everything you want without being trampled by lunatics.  Although that holiday is racist and should really be called “African American” Friday.  But have a great week everyone and like the personality of one of the ladies i used to work with i will see you next Tuesday!

-miguel jo$e

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2 Responses to “Have you ever noticed that you never get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it’s because all the coats are on the bed. – George Carlin”

  1. Anonymous November 20, 2012 at 6:44 pm #

    Don't quit your day job…oh too late, you were already fired.

    Like

  2. Miguel José November 20, 2012 at 6:50 pm #

    HAHAHAHA

    That's awesome, thanks for reading my blog! 🙂

    Like

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