It’s amazing, I’m the reason, everybody’s fired up this evening. I’m exhausted, barely breathing, holding on to what i believe in. No matter what you’ll never take that from me. My reign is as far as your eyes can see, it’s amazing…

13 Nov

What is UP kids???

i mean for real, how’s everyone doing?  It’s kinda been a little while since my last blog huh? Most of you probably thought i was just going to give this blog up after all that happened.  “Actually, we know you’re not smart enough to do that.  And if anything, we all thought you would give this blog up two weeks after you had originally started it.  Kinda the way you give up on EVERYTHING in your life immediately because you are a lazy Mexican bag of douche who will never amount to anything!  

Aww, i missed you guys.  You always make me feel all warm and fuzzy in my balleens.  But your compliments aside, there have been some HUGE developments while i was away and i need to get to them already!  For starters, let’s get to what EVERYBODY has to be wondering about.  i mean for real, who could believe all this fuss over one man’s job?  i know i couldn’t, but apparently some people think it’s a big deal so i should start off with that first i guess…

But Obama is STILL our President!  That’s right kids, four more years of hope and change!  And four more years of the people who wanted to throw up when they read that last sentence complaining nonstop about what a radical lefty Obama is!  Even though when you really think about it he’s just as to the middle as most Democratic Presidents tend to be, and he can’t get anything accomplished because of the Republicans in the House anyway!

But i am glad Obama won.  Not because i think he’s our savior or anything, but because he seems like a decent person and i truly believe he wants whats best for our Country.  Many Republicans don’t want to hear that $hit though. A lot of them are f*cking MAD as hell that Obama is still our President.  Although honestly, they have no one to blame but themselves.  i mean really, Mitt Romney?   That’s who you guys chose?  At least put up a decent candidate for Pete’s sake, if you had done that you would have had a legitimate rape… wait, sorry.  i mean a legitimate chance at actually beating Obama.

But Mitt Romney?  NO ONE was fired up over Mitt Romney.  Definitely not his own party, he barely made it through the Republican nomination process for crying out loud.  But he had the most money, and he had the most campaigning experience.  Plus let’s be honest, he’s not the worst guy ever and he does truly have a great head of hair.

But Romney’s problem is that he’s impossible to relate with.  Even poor white people who HATE Obama look at that uber rich Mormon and think “This is the guy we picked to go against Obama?”  Actually they were probably more like “Hey Ma!  Someone go out and go get some Cornbread for my sister and wife Lurleen so we can drink Moonshine and vote against black face!”

Alright fine, they were probably not exactly like that.  But they were probably pretty close.  But my point isn’t just to point out racist white stereotypes that make me laugh.  My point is that most people in this country will vote for someone they can relate to, and no one can relate to Romney except the 1%.  It was the same thing with George W. Bush.  Say what you want about the man, but he does seem very likeable.  In fact, i’d be happy to have a beer with George Bush.  i think he’d be funny and have some wacky stories and he’d probably be down to shotgun a Natty Light and eat some Texas BBQ.  He is someone i can relate to, so i get why people voted for him.  Because John Kerry was not relatable.  He probably would have been a much better President then Bush was, because let’s be honest the bar was not set very high during Bush’s 8 years.  He did so bad that America thought a black guy could do better!

But John Kerry wasn’t relatable and that is why he lost.  Although that’s not the only reason Kerry and Romney lost.  The other reason is my original point, and that is that no one was fired up for Romney.  People who voted for Romney just hated Obama, and hate is not enough to win you the Presidency.  Again, look at George W Bush.  He lied about weapons of mass destruction in order to get us into a war we did not need to be in, and i f’n HATE Bush for doing that.  i didn’t even start getting into politics until after 9/11, and when Bush said Iraq might have WMD’s and we needed to go in there to stop them i was all on board!  Go America!  But then when we didn’t find anything but we kept with the war anyway, and then the government just started to make up new reasons for why we were at war…  i gotta be honest kids, i felt embarrassed and ashamed of myself.  By not paying attention i let the government start a war that we never should have been in, and to this day soldiers die because of it.  And since then i told myself that no matter how boring and awful politics are i would no longer be uninformed.

Because we can say “We Support the Troops!” all we want, but unless we actually pay attention or actually do anything that’s all it is, a saying.  Most people don’t even know we’re still involved in two wars, but they know Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez broke up!  i’m guessing cause that boy is gay, but that’s a whole other issue.

But yeah, even with so many people in America hating George Bush he still won.  Which is why i knew Romney would lose.  Everybody i knew HATED George Bush but he still won a second term.  Why? Because no one was fired up for John Kerry.  The same way no one was fired up for Mitt Romney.  And hate will get you a good turn out, but you can”t win the Presidency just because everyone else hates the other guy.  And if no one can relate to you, and no one is fired up over you, then you will lose the election just like those two did.

So congrats to the President, it seemed like it may be close but in the end you SMOKED that fool.  And i don’t consider myself any label really.  i mean i guess i lean towards Liberal and being a Democrat but they do a ton of stuff to piss me off as well, including Obama.  But if the other option is a Wall Street multi-millionaire who made his fortune off of destroying other companies and by using every tax loophole in the book for those rich aholes, well then i’ll just stick with the Muslim Kenyan for 4 more years please!!!

RANDOM NONSENSE

-Alright one more political thing and i’m done.  But hey guy who lives next door to me that still has the Romney/Ryan sign on your yard?  Give it up buddy…

– ATTENTION EVERY BAGEL PLACE I GO TO EVER!  When i order a bacon egg and cheese on an everything bagel with salt and pepper, DO NOT AUTOMATICALLY PUT F*CKING KETCHUP ON THAT $HIT EVER!!!!!  GdDAMN i am sick of this happening every time!  And i don’t know what else to do, every time i order one and the dumb girl goes “Salt, Pepper, Ketchup?” And i say “Just salt and pepper please! NO ketchup!”  i always think that should do the job. But apparently, every time i say that they must hear “ALL you want is ketchup?  You’re saying i should slather the entire thing with disgusting ketchup all over it so that’s all you taste?  Because i mean you ordered a bacon egg and cheese so i thought you might want to taste those flavors.  But instead you want said you want me to douche the entire bagel with red awfulness so that’s all you taste since that flavor is SO overpowering.  But whatever sir, you requested a half gallon of ketchup on your sandwich so that is what you’re going to get!”  And oh yeah, my favorite part of that whole ordeal is that i never realize it till i get home and i’m totally f*cked.

-Although while we’re on it, i’m SICK of sandwich places and sub shops that INSIST on putting a ton of lettuce on my sandwich.  i don’t want f’n lettuce!  If i wanted to be healthy and eat a gddamn salad i would get a salad.  But i don’t want to be healthy.  i want my Italian combo dripping with oil, vinegar, AND mayo with nothing but meat and onions and peppers and cheese dripping down my disgusting mouth.  i DO NOT WANT F*CKING LETTUCE!  The worst offender of this is Subway, because before they even ask you they put a pound of that stringy tasteless lettuce on their sandwich in hopes that if they put enough lettuce on it you won’t notice they only give you half a slice of their disgusting meat.  All the lettuce in the world won’t save that sorry excuse for a piece of turkey my friend, so don’t even bother.  GdDAMN it i’m sick of these places blowing it with this all the time.

-And another thing, when i order a pizza or even a sandwich or bagel.  Could you please cut the entire thing ALL THE WAY THROUGH please???  i could understand if you didn’t bother cutting it at all, because then you are just an a$$hole.  But when you do that half a$$ cut that makes it look like it’s cut in half, but then when you try and separate it and half the sandwich doesn’t rip and then there’s meat and goodness everywhere, it’s just the worst and now you are a more then just an a$$hole you are a lazy a$$hole!  Just cut the f*cking thing all the way through please!

So yeah i think i’ve done some of those bits before, but apparently i have a LOT more readers to my blog these days.  So my faithful followers may hear some things you may have heard before.  And not just in “OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE  which is a spot on my blog where i straight up just repeat some old bits that i have definitely used before when i feel like people have forgotten them or when i feel like being lazy, mostly the latter.  But the bottom line is i can’t remember all of the jokes that i’ve done so far because i’m a dumb a$$, so if i repeat any jokes that i’ve done already then i apologize for nothing!

ONE HITTERS: If i had to pick the saddest possible image ever, i would vote for a man crying in the shower listening to Justin Bieber drinking a bottle of Popov vodka and masturbating in his own filth because that’s the most depressing image i can think of.

-Chinese food places should really work on their sauce selection.  i mean honestly, there is nothing more i love at fast food places then their dipping sauces.  Because when you think about it, chicken McNuggets are just okay, they’re not great.  “What are you talking about ahole!  i LOVE Chicken McNuggets!”  Oh do you?  So when you order them you just get them plain and don’t get any sauces?  Or let me guess, you get a ton of sauces because that’s why nuggets are so money in the first place.  i’m a fast food connoisseur son, don’t test me.  So anyways, i have a favorite dipping sauce at all my fast food places.  Wild Buffalo ranch at Wendys, Popeye’s blackened ranch sauce, McDonalds spicy buffalo, Burger King’s BBQ Roasted Jalapeno sauce, i mean the list is endless.  But Chinese food places? Duck sauce? Meh, it’s okay i guess.  Soy sauce?  If soy sauce was really that good i wouldn’t have a million packets left in my fridge all the time that i NEVER use.  Hot mustard sauce?  Ugh, if i have nothing else i’ll use it but i’d rather not.  So yeah get your act straight Chinese food places.  i know you’re fantastic at Math and i dig how you make all your different restaurants have the same exact menu’s because it makes it easier on us round eyes when we come in to order.  But stop with that chopstick nonsense and hook up some money sauces already because you’ve been blowing it this whole time!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE –There is no such thing as leftover jello shots at a party.  Ever.  No matter how many jello shots you make they will be finished by the end of the night, hell way before the end of the night.  Even people who don’t drink or do shots will do a jello shot, i mean why the f not it’s f’n jello.  So do it!

-Do any of you remember that John Mayer song, “Your body is a Wonderland”?  i know some of you girls do.  In fact, some of you got a little bit moist just by me bringing that song up.  And i don’t blame you, it’s a sweet romantic song sung by a teeny bopper heart throb.  Although i heard that song recently and just had a new thought about it, and that thought is that wouldn’t that song be great in a movie about a serial killer?  i mean try to picture this scene:  There’s a young girl, tied to a bed in her underwear.  She’s dirty and bruised, and you can tell she’s been crying as you can still hear her sniffles under her duct taped mouth.  She’s looks around to see she’s in a dark and creepy basement, as her kidnapper looks in the mirror and applies lipstick to his eyeballs and he shaves half of his head with a huge hunting knife and the blood drips down his face.  With rotted teeth and the glare of a madman, he turns on the radio to put on “Your Body is a Wonderland” as he opens a drawer full of different knives and axes.  He grabs one of these large knives and rubs it gently down her body as the lyrics come on:

We got the afternoon, You got this room for two.
One thing i’ve left to do, discover me, discovering you.
One mile to every inch of your skin like porcelain
One pair of candy lips and you’re bubblegum tongue
 Cause if you want love, we’ll make it.  Swimming a deep sea of blankets
Take all your big plans and break ’em.  This is bound to be a while….
Your body is a wonderland. Your body is a wonderland (I’ll use my hands…)

Would that not be the creepiest f’n scene in a movie EVER?  Does anyone have any idea what the F i’m even talking about right now?  No??  Ugh, gddamit.  The two people that get this joke will think it’s f’n hilarious but the rest of you can eat me.  And screw you guys, i didn’t miss you at all…

A Great Name for a Punk Band! The RIG-A-MA-ROLLS

Fast food tips – McDonalds has a new line of burgers called the “CBO” which stands for Cheddar, Bacon and Onion. They describe as “Three delicious ingredients, White Cheddar, Hickory Smoked Bacon and Caramelized Onions make for one great gourmet taste!”  Which sounds totally believable because when i think “great gourmet taste” i think McDonalds!  i definitely don’t think about mass produced dog meat covered in salt and sold to morons throughout the world.  But yeah it sounds pretty money and it looks like it tastes good so i’ll probably do a power hour of Natty light and eat one or two of these bad boys before i throw up all over myself.  You can get them as burgers or chicken sandwiches so make sure to try one for yourself and enjoy!  Or don’t, i don’t care.  F*ck McDonalds.

MAN it feels good to be back!  i was lying before when i said screw you guys and that i don’t miss you.  Because i do miss you guys, and screw you anyway!  But thanks for reading as always.  And again, i know i have a bunch of new readers now so if you can’t get enough miguel and apparently some of you can’t, you can follow me on my blogs Facebook page at Here Comes the $ FB Page as well as following me on Twitter @migueljose_85  i know you savages can’t get enough of me so there’s your chance to keep up with me if you can!  Oh and if you want to “follow” my actual blog you can sign up on this page too.  Which would be money if you did that because it makes me happy.

But i know some of you were waiting me to comment on some of the other things that happened while i’ve been gone but i can’t do it all on one blog can i?  No, no i can’t.  So come back this Friday so i can catch you up with the rest!

-miguel jo$e

p.s.  Oh yeah, i got one last thing.  Can’t leave without saying this!  So here ya go…

LATER DICKS!

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4 Responses to “It’s amazing, I’m the reason, everybody’s fired up this evening. I’m exhausted, barely breathing, holding on to what i believe in. No matter what you’ll never take that from me. My reign is as far as your eyes can see, it’s amazing…”

  1. Jim November 13, 2012 at 6:55 pm #

    That Body is a Wonderland bit is phenomenal. I need a horror movie with that scene in it.

    Like

  2. Miguel José November 13, 2012 at 7:14 pm #

    Patent Pending

    Like

  3. Martin Mucci November 13, 2012 at 8:26 pm #

    Miguel,

    I haven't had the chance to call yet, but just wanted to let you know this whole chex thing happened without my knowledge. I was actually in Chicago campaigning with Obama when it happened. Those a$$holes at corporate went rogue -and they are going to answer to me. And don't get me started on the zeros in charge of your local office. Bean counting pu$$ys -get a life. Anyway, I've been a fan of this blog since you started, and so is Obama btw. We actually talked about it all weekend (he loved the D'arcy bit). We both think this is the best comedy we've read in years. So keep it going and I'll give you a call this weekend to chex in (get it- CHEX in, haha). Sieg whoo, Marty.

    Like

  4. Anonymous November 17, 2012 at 4:15 pm #

    oh my god this blog was hilarious

    and not only do bagel stores f up on the amount of ketchup but they ALWAYS f up on coffee too. light with skim milk NO sugar ALWAYS ends up being light and sweet…are you f'n kidding me?!?! how does no sugar turn into extra…f'n gross and annoying!!! they really need to listen!!!

    and I can't believe you get oil and vinegar AND mayo on your Italian hero…I thought I was the only person who did both…love it 🙂

    missed your blog so much!!! so happy you're back!!!

    -Stef 🙂

    Like

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