Us, we like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper, or, God forbid, cigarettes. We look down on them as if we’re so advanced. Well, if we’re so f*cking advanced, what are we doing working here? – Randall "Clerks"

26 Oct

What is up kids?

So here is part 4 of my rants about how much i hate my job, or my “JERK OFFice” masterpiece if you will. “HAHAHAHA! That’s SO much better then “Office Space” you lame poor comedy writing hack!  Way to come up with an original name for something once in your life!”  Thanks buddy, i appreciate it.  i do think it’s hilarious, and i DEFINITELY came up with it myself.  100%.  It wasn’t given to me by Jim Kohl at all.  i hate that kid and he’s never helped me with my blog once.  Well, maybe that one time… actually nope. Not once. Never.

But the finale of these blogs can’t just be about Kohl and how unfunny he is and how he didn’t give me that name for this bit. But instead, it’s about how my job is sucking the gddamn life out of me every time i walk through those doors.  The way i just feel miserable there lately, and not even because it’s the worst job ever. i mean yeah my job obviously sucks the balls that are right under my pubes that are shaved in a “$” symbol. Which yes takes awhile and yes is totally worth it.  But with all this complaining i’ve been doing, with all of this bitching and moaning, you have to be asking yourself one thing.  Why don’t i just get the f*ck out of that place already??  Like for real, just f*cking quit you whiny ahole!  Why don’t you just gddamn quit already?

That sounds like an easy enough solution.  i mean, i f’n hate this place and it makes me want to murder myself.  So why hang around?  Well for one, i haven’t updated my resume.  And i HATE updating my resume.  i mean don’t get me wrong, in real life i love exaggerating how f*cking FANTASTIC i am in an obnoxious manner.  i mean why wouldn’t i, i’m the gddamn MONEY!  But for some reason i hate doing it on a resume.  Mostly because i hate that awful specific format you need to use.  i just don’t care and don’t want to do it.  And i’m lazy and when i get out of work i don’t want to do ANYTHING…

Because it’s hard to work on your resume when you’re busy nonstop at your job.  And i mean when else am i going to work on my resume, on my own personal time?  There’s no chance, because i know once i get home i just want to get out of my work clothes and lay down on my bed for a hot second.  For real, is it okay if i just f’n RE LAX for a hot one?  Honestly, i just had the longest most awful day ever.  Instead of jumping on the computer and lying about myself on my resume, can’t i crack open a beer and chill on the couch and watch last night’s new “Always Sunny” with the Ponderosa Wedding Massacre for a hot minute?  Do i not deserve that?

Really miguel? That’s your excuse? You can’t just take ONE day to spend some time and work on your resume so you can finally get out of there?  What possible good reason could you have for not being able to pick one day to not be a lazy f*ck and just do your resume??”  Because shut up, that’s why.

So my resume is a big reason i’m still here, but the main reason it’s tough to leave my job or any job really is the comfortability factor.  Which is really a stupid reason to stay somewhere but whatever, we all do it.  i may be handsome and i may go down on the ladies like a CHAMP, but i’m not always the sharpest tool in the refrigerator that’s for sure.

And as much as your job sucks, at least you know what you can get away with.  You know if you can come in 5 minutes late and leave 3 minutes early.  You know if you can slack on the dress code on Fridays, or steal that person’s creamer in the fridge for your coffee.  Or who has the good candy at their desk and what groups bring in the best food on people’s birthdays.  And there’s a million other examples i can use, but one i’m too lazy which i had literally just told you.  And two, that’s not even the point i’m making!!  The point is no matter how horrific things are at your job you at least know what the awful things are.  And you learn to deal with it, and you learn to live with it.  They totally suck a$$ but at least you are comfortable with them.

And the thought of starting over at a new job is MURDEROUS.  Ugh, learning all the new things at a new place?  Meeting a whole bunch of new aholes and going on an interview?  Interviews are the gddamn worst!!  “What would you say is your biggest flaw?”  Well a lot of girls complain about the girth of my penis and tell me it hurts then when i bang their brains out and that they can’t walk for days after…

And even if you get past the interview and get the job, you still need to figure out what clicks there are in the office and who’s in them.  And then at some point you realize this job is just like high school the way everyone talks trash behind people’s back and starts rumors… which is just like your last job!  It’s so uncomfortable and awkward, and the entire process just sucks my cuddly cojones.  “Hey, enough with the ball sucking!  That image is horrific!  Even though to be honest, at this point  i’m kind of wondering what they taste like…”  i know you do, but once again you are missing the point.  The point being, i just can’t get enough energy to f’n quit my job already.

And i can’t imagine i’m alone.  i know people like us are the worst but we are probably the majority.  i can’t be the only one who slaves away at a job they hate day after day, can i?  Yeah i didn’t think so.  So i may be a poor excuse for a human being but at least i have company.  And it doesn’t make me proud that there are others like me, but at least i know i’m not the only bag of douche within these cubicles.

So i’ll stay at this misery for a little longer i guess.  Hopefully i find something good and/or get enough courage to just get the f*ck out of there ever.  Hopefully one of the two happens, and if it doesn’t?  At least i have some decent material for my blog to keep all of my faithful readers entertained!

RANDOM NONSENSE

-Valet parking can suck my d!ck.  For real, i f*cking hate it and they should never have it.  Alright fine, weddings and hospitals and that’s IT.  Everything else needs to f*cking quit it already because your valet parking rule is bull$hit.  Really Shannon Rose on 17?  i need you to park my gddamn car for me?  i’m pretty sure your parking lot is about 100x smaller then the lot at the mall, i think i can handle the less then one city block walk to your stupid bar.  And how much do you tip these aholes?  Is 2 beans enough?  Although it doesn’t matter anyway because who carries cash on them anymore? What is this 1860?  i’m pretty sure i’m starting a tab at the bar with my card jerkface, i’m not getting a $10 ATM fee just so i can take out a 20 to break at the bar and then tip you 2 bucks.  So to the valet parking that they have at these dumb bars and these restaurants trying to be fancy, you are ghetto and your valet parking is some pretentious bull$hit. 
Grow up already.

-So i LOVE steak, and i always get it medium rare.  But i’ve started thinking about it, and i can’t tell if i like steak medium rare because it tastes good, or if it’s because i’m a fat a$$ and i just don’t feel like waiting any longer for my gddamn steak.  i just can’t do it!  i just want to eat that $hit right now!  So i always order it medium rare to get it mad quick but who knows, maybe i would enjoy a “medium” steak or God forbid a “medium well” steak.  Maybe it would be my favorite!  Maybe i would try it and be like “Holy $hitballs this is the most fantastic steak i’ve ever eaten!”  Who knows, it’s possible!  Maybe that IS what i would say!  But i guess no one will ever know, because i’m a fat f*ck and i’m not f’n waiting.  One steak medium rare please!

A Great Name for a Rap Group!– “The Rap Scallions”

i know no one thinks that joke is funny,  i know this.  But i put it there anyway because i think it’s f’n hilarious.  Eat me.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – Watching people order donuts at Dunkin Donuts is f*cking INFURIATING.  These people are ALWAYS the slowest motherf*ckers on the planet!  “Umm, i want, ummmm 2 chocolate, no wait…. 3 Chocolate.  And uhhhhhhhhh wait i mean no Chocolate. No one chocolate!  And ok one Boston Creme (And only MORONS order one Boston Creme. It’s the gddamn best donut!  you should order 4 minimum.  Go ahead and test me, i guarantee if you buy a dozen donuts and 4 of them are Boston Creme they will all be gone.  Or if they are not, you work with morons) And oh yeah i want 3 pink sprinkly ones too.  How many choices do i have left?  Okay and i want 4 bagels… wait, what? What do you mean bagels don’t count???”  So yeah all that’s going on while i sit there and just wait to get my medium turbo hot with cream and sugar to get me through the second half of my gddman work day. And for some reason i hate and want to kill everybody i see, and i have no idea why!  Well kill everyone except for maybe my boy Jay John.  Oh speaking of him he dropped a money line the other day, i wanted to use it in my blog.
“What is she 19?  i’d buy her alcohol”.  JJ talking about Kate Upton
Does ANYONE get how into Kate Upton i am?  Really? No one?  Okay fine, i’ll just have to keep trying to prove my point every blog i guess.  

Fast food tips – Jeebus Christmas does Burger King do anything but come up with new fast food items?  i mean hey, it makes my job easier so i’m not complaining.  But for real, relax over there for a hot one kids!  But anyways, BK has two new desserts, both of which put a rise in my sweet penis.  Some people have a sweet tooth, i have a sweet penis. Or so i’ve been told.  ANYWAYS, BK has two gingerbread treats, with the first being the new “Gingerbread Sundae”.  This delicious delight is a serving of vanilla soft serve ice cream with gingerbread flavored syrup and topped with gingersnap crumbles.  And they also have the “Gingerbread Cookie Shake” which just so happens to be my nickname in college.  This shake is the same thing as the sundae except blended and they added whipped cream, and just thinking about trying these makes me whip my own cream in my pants.  i haven’t tried these yet but i will,  and i will get back to you once i am done cleaning the saliva from my mouth and the cream in my jeans.

Man, my first FOUR part blog ever!  That felt pretty good, i needed to get that out of my system.  i’ll get back to all sorts of different nonsense again next week, i just needed to vent about my job before i started murdering motherf*ckers left and right.  But yeah that’s enough work talk for now, and i promise next Tuesday i’ll be back to my old self!  Unless of course it’s…

That’s right, Hurricane Sandy is coming!  And this isn’t just terrifying because everyone in the news is trying to scare everyone to death over this storm.  But if you didn’t know (and why would you), Sandy is also my mother’s name. And if this storm is anything like my mom when she’s trying to clean the house before company comes over, this storm is going to be a raging beast that leaves no survivors in it’s path!  Was anyone else’s mom like that?  i mean obviously my mother is nuts, she’s a Marine and she had 5 children with one of them being me. And she married my father!  So this woman has every right to be certifiably insane.  But most of the time she was just your typical nervous panicky mom type of crazy.  But not when guests were coming!  When company was coming over for dinner or something HOLY S YOU’D BETTER LOOK OUT EVERYONE!!  i honestly believe i have anxiety to this day because of the stress my mom would go through and would give the rest of us when getting the house ready for  guests.  Even just writing this in my blog now and thinking back to what i went through is hurting my chest, making my head dizzy and making it harder for me to breathe.  i’m not saying she scarred me for life or anything, but my therapist thinks i’m making real breakthroughs lately!  But yeah my point is if i lose power or anything due to this storm then there won’t be a blog next Tuesday.  And if the world does indeed end next week, and with it being 2012 you never know, then i guess this is my last blog ever.  And if that’s the case, i would like you all to remember my prophetic last words as i say to the entire world…

LATER DICKS!

-miguel jo$e

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3 Responses to “Us, we like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper, or, God forbid, cigarettes. We look down on them as if we’re so advanced. Well, if we’re so f*cking advanced, what are we doing working here? – Randall "Clerks"”

  1. Jim October 26, 2012 at 3:41 pm #

    First off, Rap Scallions is hilarious. I smell a junior detective team/rap group kid's movie in the works. And yes, Will Smith already paid me to lock his kids into the staring role. SUMMER 2013

    Second, Rare steaks cook EVEN quicker. Rare is the way to go.

    Like

  2. Miguel José October 26, 2012 at 3:56 pm #

    Rare steaks? What am i, a caveman? i have some class

    Like

  3. Anonymous November 2, 2012 at 9:48 pm #

    Congrats on getting fired from your job!

    Like

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