I’m stuck in this pit, working for less than slave wages. Working on my day off, the gddamn steel shutters are closed, I deal with every backward a$$ f*ck on the planet. I smell like shoe polish. My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after f*cking a dead guy. And my present girlfriend has sucked 36 d!cks.

24 Oct

What is up kids?

Gdmotherf*ckingDAMNIT i can’t take off a day from my job!  Is that actually possible at other jobs?  Can people tell me what that is like, to be able to use a personal day every now and then without walking back into a Katrina like f’n disaster?  Jeebus F*cking Christballs why do i even bother? It is pretty much not worth taking any days off, because if you do you end up spending the next 4 days trying to catch up to the one day you were out. Or God forbid you take a week off for a vacation!  At that point you’d might as well quit and just find a new job, because the process of starting at a new place and trying to catch up to your emails while you were out are probably the same amount of work.

Because holy Mary mother of God the EMAILS that you come back too!  Can someone take the scissors in my drawer and jam them in my jugular please?  Or at the very least use them to rip my eyeballs out of my socket and then take a piss in my empty ocular cavities?  For real, i would rather that happen then try to get through the ENDLESS amount of emails i got in the one day that i was out.  i swear, i’m not as popular on Facebook on my birthday as i am in my office the day i decide to take off from work.  It’s like all my clients get together and go “HOLY $HIT MIGUEL IS OUT!!!!  Lets’ email him every huge obnoxious project he won’t finish in a million years, as well as every small insignificant dumb a$$ stupid question that i could totally look up myself as well! That’ll learn him to try and take a vacation day off once a year!”  And the best part is i have my away message up, so these motherf*ckers KNOW i won’t be in until Wednesday!  Yet that same ahole motherf’n client will email 10 DIFFERENT TIMES WITH ABSOLUTE BULLF*CKING$HIT!!!  Thanks c0cksucker, you’re a gddman peach!  Oh, and after you’re done with all of those emails that i will never see because i delete them immediately, would you mind also taking that phone you had to leave me a million messages with while i was out, even though my away message CLEARLY said i would be back on Monday and jam it straight up your a$$ until i can tell Siri commands straight to your stomach and say  “Siri, please kill this motherf*cker!!!”

Can you tell i’m a little heated at my job these days?  Honestly, 3 rants in and i’m STILL not done??  i promise though kids, the finale will be on Friday even though i could probably make this a 25 part blog if i really wanted to.  Because the more i write about how bad my job sucks Sandusky’s c0ck, the more i realize how awful and how ridiculous the things about the workplace really are.

Like the ENDLESS meetings they make you go to.  Does your job make you do that too?  You know, spend an hour and a half in a room trying to figure out “the best way to service our clients”.  Hmmm, i have at least one idea.  How about instead of us sitting in a pointless meeting away from my desk for over an hour i actually sit at my desk and do some work for these a$$holes?  Does that not make sense?  It doesn’t?  Oh okay, got it.

Or how about how awful it is to work with people who have kids.  God, parents are the WORST workers!  And it’s not even that i hate them so much, it’s just bull$hit that they can use their dumb ass kids to get out of ANY work situation that they want to.  “Attention everyone, it’s Christmas Eve and no one is allowed to leave early.”  “But my kid is sick, i gotta go!”  “Sorry to hear that Carol, go tend to you your child!”  Wait, really?  What the f*ck??  Just because some chick decides to spread her legs and pop out some annoying brat who ends up having the sniffles 4 years later she gets to go home early?   That doesn’t seem fair.  i mean yeah it sucks your kid is sick, but you have a job from 9-5 so you’d better figure out who’s taking care of that adorable little mistake while you’re at work.  And if you can’t figure it out then maybe you should have used a condom or just swallowed for crying out loud.  And i have ZERO empathy for the parents with a sick kid that don’t know what to do.  How do you not have that figured out yet?  i’m guessing you had at least 9 months prior to try and figure out how you were going to handle these things, and if you didn’t well that’s your f’n problem.  And if you can’t work your job full-time AND take care of your kids when there is an emergency, well then you should have thought first before taking in all of that semen into your womb.

And just for the record, i’m not talking about “real” emergencies or an actual crisis.  OBVIOUSLY that stuff happens sometimes, and if the choice is either staying in your soulless uncaring walls of the Corporation that you work for, or being with your family i totally understand saying “Later Dicks!” to your job.  But i’m not talking about emergencies, i’m talking about those moms who CONSTANTLY leave early everytime there little baby has a cough or slight diarrhea.  Listen lady, either be a stay at home mom or because a working gal because you can’t do both.  The rest of us have to be here all week and again, that wasn’t MY decision to have a kid.  So don’t come crying to me about how hard it is.  i also have to work this f’n $hit job all day and my excuses for getting to leave early are NEVER f’n accepted.  “But my roommate has off and he’s challenged me to a best of 7 series in pong!”  “The Yankee game is at 1 today and i want to go to a bar and watch it!”  “My girl only has half days at her school this week and i need to leave early to meet her at the arcade!”  Yeah, try using any of those excuses last week to get out of work early and see where that gets you.  Nowhere i tell you!

And i know in this bit i get on the moms a lot, probably because i work with a lot of ladies.  But trust me, i know guys can be just as bad too.  Especially those P-whipped ones where the woman has the real job and the guy is just doing their “best” to contribute.  These spineless small d!cked wonders also get to leave their job early when their kid is sick, because we all know the wife is the actual bread winner and she can’t leave her post!  So these testosteroneless males can be just as bad as you broads, and even worse if they go on “Man”ternity.  Have you ever heard of this before?  Hopefully not but if you haven’t heard i’ll fill you in.  Apparently it’s not just ladies who get to go on maternity when they have a child, the father can also get off for up to 8 weeks or so with reduced pay due to some “FMLA” act which gives men the chance to go on “man”ternity as well.  And why wouldn’t these fathers need to stay home?  They just finished carrying a baby for 9 months and giving birth, their body needs to recover!  Oh wait, it’s the woman who does all that stuff?  So why the hell does the father get to take off for so long?  Maybe it’s because my dad is a Marine, but i just don’t understand this pu$$y shit with men.  i can tell you right now that if my dad tried to take off that long when we were born they would have laughed and then fired him or maybe the other way around.  But i mean hey, these Mr. Mom’s have figured out a way to beat the system so good for you!  Enjoy your “Man”ternity leave while you can, and don’t worry no one in the office is making fun of you while you’re out!

“Oh really? You’re making fun of ME?  Because i’m at home spending the day relaxing with my new child while you’re at work dealing with MY clients.  So ha ha ha all you want, but the truth is you’re just jealous that i beat the system and you are stuck in that hellhole.  So i only got one thing to say to you my sexy mexy blogger and the rest of the jerk 0ffs back in the office… Later Dicks!”

Wow, that is some good ranting my friends.  But i think one more blog about how awful my job is enough, don’t ya think?  That’s why the conclusion of my “Office Space” rant will come to a close this Friday.  “Office Space” Rant??  That’s what you came up with??  How boring and what an unoriginal title!!'”  Well you didn’t come up with anything Jewell, or you either Kohl.  So suck it.  And i’ll see you for the finale and part 4 this Friday!


-So these rants are getting really f’n bitter, and i don’t want to lose my faithful readers who only want to hear about me partying and boozing my face off.  Well don’t worry my friends, i’m still here.  In fact, let me bring everyone back to happiness with your favorite 19 year old and mine, miss Kate Upton!

And i just POPPED!!!   Sometimes you can’t bother with the booWHIP! and you just need to go straight to the POP!  Because its not like i look at that picture and my penis goes boooooWHIP! like it does when i normally see a hot girl.  i look at this picture and just instantly POP!  For real, i just POPPED in my pants. i’m covered in POP!

See, i didn’t go anywhere.  Your happy and loveable Mexican teddy bear who is into underage blonds is still here everyone!  Don’t you worry about me! 🙂

-If it’s your girlfriend’s birthday, it’s pretty ghetto to just give her a gift card as a present.  And it’s even ghettoer to just give her straight up cash, like throw a bunch of 20’s in a card and be like “Happy birthday!” It’s very impersonal and it’s just a very tasteless gift.  But that really sucks, because even though it’s ghetto it is also the BEST gift!  i mean who doesn’t want gift cards and cash?  Everybody does!  Why would she want you buying her that lingerie that’s not even her size, or that scarf you thought looked “cool!” but really isn’t at all and she would never be caught dead wearing it in a million years?  Of course she don’t want that garbage, just give her the cash!  But you can’t do that, because if her parents or family ask her “What did he get you for your birthday?” and she tells them “A Victoria Secret giftcard and $120 in cash!” she and her family will think you’re a real creepo and a big bag of douche.  But again, this whole thing sucks because it’s the best gift AND it’s the easiest to get!  It’s win win for everyone!  Except for the boyfriend that everyone hates of course. 

-i don’t know why spell check always tries to correct me when i write “ghettoer”.  Cause i mean, how else am i supposed to f’n spell it?  i write ghetto, and i add an “er” at the end to make it “ghettoer”.  If that’s wrong someone feel free to correct me, but i’m telling your right now to your face spell check i ain’t buying it!

-i love how before you go to a Dentist appointment you brush your teeth SO thoroughly.  Because yeah, that’s going to make up for not going to the Dentist in the last 7 years.  You sit there and you literally brush your teeth for over an hour, and floss like 50 times and use mouthwash and just figure “He wont’ even notice!  He’ll think i brush my teeth everyday!”  And of course that doesn’t do anything, although if you did that every day then you’d probably be alright.  But we like to fool ourselves into thinking that extra bit will actually help, that the one extra morning of brushing really hard will do anything!  But it doesn’t, and you know that.  But you’ll keep doing it anyways because none of us are smart.

“Facebook etiquette”-  To all of you people that are SO sick of all the political talk on Facebook, do you realize that you’re on f*cking Facebook?  Because i’m pretty sure 90% of the time the only $hit anyone ever talks about on FB is whatever stupid T.V. show they’re watching.  Or when they went to the gym.  Or how bored they are in class.  Or how happy they are that there is behind the scenes footage to the Housewives reunion even though the reunion itself was 3 f*cking episodes!  Or people need to show their stupid pictures of their pets, or the sushi they are eating.  Or what dumb 80’s song they heard on the radio that no one cares about.  Or ANYTHING ELSE that is the dumbest $hit in the world.  Because really, with all that garage going on you’re now going to draw the line at people expressing their opinion on who becomes our President?  Because that actually affects our lives people.  i know people think it doesn’t because it’s easy just to think all politics are bull$hit and nothing matters.  But have you ever stopped to think that maybe that’s what the people in power want you to think?  And that maybe they want everyone obsessed with t.v. shows, and TMZ, and the NFL and fantasy football, and steroids, and Kanye and Kim Kardashian, and ANYTHING other then what really matters in life?  Did you ever stop to think about that? Probably not, but i understand because the people in power are really good at what they do.  But relax you complaining Facebookers, the election will be over soon and you will be able to back to all of your “important” updates again.

A Great Name for a Punk Band! “VAGINA FAUCET”

Fast food tips – KFC has a new style of chicken tenders called “KFC Dip em’s” which is easily the most fun name to say for a fast food item ever.  i’m not sure what the actual slogan is but it should be “KFC Dip em’s… Dip them $hits up!”  Or something to that effect.  Anyway, they are basically chicken tenters you can dip in their sauces which to me is really all i ever want from a fast food place anyway.  And they added some new dipping sauces at KFC too, which means their menu now carries the new flavors of Creamy Buffalo, Orange Ginger, and a Bacon Ranch sauce which sounds so good i want to dip my hairy balls in them.  “Wait, now they are hairy??? i thought you said you manscaped that $hit??”  Hey, i’m talking about dipping sauces at KFC, relax with the talk about my juicy Mexican cojones.  But yeah, besides those 3 new boowhip sauces they also have Honey BBQ, Honey Mustard, and Creamy Ranch.  So go out and try this new items at KFC and don’t forget, “KFC Dip em’s… Dip them $hits up!”

And that’s it for me today kids.  It’s funny, i posted this angry rant today because Wednesday is the worst day of work for me at my job.  So i’d imagine by the time you read this my skull is without my eyeballs and reeks of urine.  But blind or not i’m writing my last part of my “Office Space” blog this Friday so i will see you kids then!

-miguel j…

Actually, before i go i have one bit left.  i didn’t do it last week but i ran into Vickie Chalet who actually reads my nonsense and she told me she was a big fan of my Fantasy Football bit.  Which is awesome because i don’t know who else digs it but me, but now that i know i have at least one fan let me end this blog right!

Guy Who F*cked me In Fantasy Football This Week….  Larry Fitzgerald is a big steamy piece of $hit.  Alright he’s not, but his quarterback is so bad he makes Sanchez and Tebow look like Manning and Manning.  And really Trent Richardson?  Either sit out the week and let me play Doug Martin or start and play the whole gddamn gay you f’n rookie pu$$y! Thanks for f*cking me last week buddy!  Oh and Andy Dalton, you’re a ginger bye week nothing who f*cked me two weeks in a row so thanks for that you pale faced jerkoff!  Oh, and thanks to the Patriots who couldn’t use Stephen Ridley or Aaron Hernandez OR Brandon Lloyd who is the biggest piece of trash of them all.  Way to need to go to Overtime at home to beat the Jets, i know they have a potent offense and all.  And oh yeah here’s an extra f*ck you to Chris Johnson and Rob Gronkowski who picked last gddamn week to blow the f*ck up after doing nothing all season.  F*ck you two right in the gddamn a$$!

Alright now i’m really out…


-miguel jo$e


6 Responses to “I’m stuck in this pit, working for less than slave wages. Working on my day off, the gddamn steel shutters are closed, I deal with every backward a$$ f*ck on the planet. I smell like shoe polish. My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after f*cking a dead guy. And my present girlfriend has sucked 36 d!cks.”

  1. Jim October 24, 2012 at 3:04 pm #

    Office Space, really? What about “Work Off” or “Cubicle of Lies”. Anything man, you're better then that.


  2. Miguel José October 24, 2012 at 3:16 pm #

    Apparently i'm not, but i still dig it better then those two turds you just threw at me. i'm trying to think of a good movie or tv reference and that's all i got, i was hoping i could write a 4 part rant and someone could help me out with just the name but apparently that's asking too much…


  3. Anonymous October 24, 2012 at 6:43 pm #

    hahaha I love that I literally just complained about facebook statuses about the election and that I am guilty of writing about tv shows that make me cry about 90% of the time.

    Thanks for doing a Wednesday blog. It's been a shitty week and I needed a laugh!

    -Stef =)

    sidenote I don't mind informational statuses about the election but people just write some annoying ass shit that's not even relevant to who becomes President.


  4. Anonymous October 25, 2012 at 3:53 pm #

    Office Space. That's not obvious enough. how about Beethoven Side one, Track one of the Fifth Symphony.



  5. Miguel José October 25, 2012 at 8:12 pm #

    people write annoying a$$ $hit about EVERYTHING on facebook. That's why it's facebook!


  6. Miguel José October 25, 2012 at 8:13 pm #

    Alright fine, i'll call it “Smells like Teen Spirit”


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