So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that’s on the worst day of my life. – Peter Gibbons "Office Space"

19 Oct

C’mon Jewell!  How is today’s picture not gonna be “Clerks 2”?  It’s part Dos of my job hating rant for crying out loud!

But anyways… what is up kids?  How’s everyone doing today?  Even though it’s Friday i’m guessing you are doing $hitty if you are at work, because apparently i’m not the only person who hates their job.  i learned this because the response to my last blog has been FANTASTIC.  Although i gotta be honest, i kinda expected it to be.  Some of it has to do with the topic of these blogs, which is basically about having a job that can suck both testicles as well as each t!tty.  But i also know you all love me and come back to my blog because i’m such a fantastic writer.

Are you f’n KIDDING me???  You are a grammatical nightmare!  i showed your blog to my friend who’s an English Lit major and she literally threw up and then shot herself in the face after reading your blog!”  C’mon now, let’s be fair.  Just because i ain’t not the best at grammar don’t not mean i don’t make much gooder points sometimes!  The thing is, sometimes you just need to look at the substance of what someone is saying and not just their style.  Kind of like Obama at the first Presidential debate.  Sure, The President’s presentation was poor and he had trouble explaining that everything Mitt Romney was saying was a lie.  And he never pointed out that Romney was literally changing his stances on EVERYTHING he had been saying his entire campaign.  Especially when it came to taxes and/or the rules surrounding a woman’s body.  i mean am i crazy or did Romney actually say he wasn’t going to lower taxes for the rich, and that he actually cared about women?  For real, he said that?  On Television, in front of actual humans?  Oh wait sorry, i mean he cares about “binders” full of women.  Although i will say Romney does have a point, because if you’ve never looked at any of the legislation the Republican party has been putting forth in the last few years, and if you’ve never heard Romney say anything else ever in your life except for the other night at the debate, then i can see how people wouldn’t realize what a lying uncaring rich f*cker who sees corporations as people this robotic woman hating bag of douche this guy really is. 

Hey a$$hole i came to read this blog because i wanted to hear you bash your job! Not to lecture me on who to vote for and talk politics!”

Yeah, yeah.  Sorry about that. That’s just my opinion and its not really right to tell you who to vote for.  Some of you have to be feeling that way…

Although speaking of telling people who to vote for, did everyone see that story about how some employers and CEO’s are actually sending emails to all of their employees to vote for Romney or they may lose their pay and/or job?  i’m not $hitting you folks.  These white, rich as f*ck a$$holes who run every aspect of your job and basically control more then half of your life while you’re at your work have decided that all of that control over you is not enough.  Because now they want to control the other half of your life by telling you who to vote for in the election!  Thanks Corporate America!  Of course i’ll vote for who you want me to! We all know that the people who run companies only care about their workers and not just the bottom line of the net income they are making! 

Although seriously, do any of you honestly think the head of your company gives a f*ck about you?  You, the insignificant worker who they keep giving more responsibilities and lower pay?   You are f’n insane if you think these owners care, and it’s almost sad that you would believe that they do.  They could care f’n less about you kids.  You are but one number amongst the thousands of reports and files that come across their desk each day.  Do you really think that you matter to them at all?  Of course not, they don’t give a $hit about you.  The only time anyone higher up in your organization cares about you is when you are doing a bad job and they have to hear about it.  God forbid a client calls up to complain about you or gives your business a nasty survey.  Because who’s side does Corporate take when there’s a complaint?  You? The person who has to deal with this insane b!tch or a$$hole client who complains and whines about EVERYTHING and needs a million little things for them done every second of the day, and the moment you are behind on ONE small item they need to call up immediately and complain to everyone about it?

No, of course Corporate doesn’t take your side.  The people who run your business don’t care about little insignificant “facts” like that one.  All they care is that they are getting an angry call, and that they are now inconvenienced.  But instead of looking into the situation they just immediately take the clients side and now they must take it out on you and treat you like the a$$hole.  “Hey thanks for getting my back fellas!  i love how everything is automatically my fault and how quickly you turn your back on your employees!  i really get that “team” feeling you preach at all those meetings when you hang me out to dry whenever times get tough!”

Although speaking of teams, have you ever noticed that there are different sets of rules for people at work? That apparently our so-called “team” has different rules for different workers?  Like there are the one set of rules that you and i follow.  Whether it is following the dress code, or not taking off certain days when you are now allowed, and showing up on time to your job and what not.  You know, the rules that you thought all workers had to abide by.  But apparently there is the other set of rules that other people get to follow, and i have no idea why. For example, the person who doesn’t have to follow the dress code for some reason.  How do they get around that?  i have to wear a tucked in dress shirt and dress slacks, and this disaster walks in off of the beach in their tank top and sandals and sweat pants.  Am i missing something here?  Or how about these people who somehow work in a full time position, yet they only have to work 14 hours a week and still constantly take off and leave work early every other day.  How the hell do i get on that schedule? These are the same people who go home early on Christmas Eve and New Years when NO ONE else in the office is allowed to do so.  And honestly, none of this stuff would even bother me and i wouldn’t even care about their bull$hit schedule these people have.  Except for that fact that for some reason, these same people who are only here 4 hours out of the week need to complain NONSTOP about what happened when they were not in the office.  Really?  Really you miserable f*ck?  You work 1/3rd as much as everyone else but you NEED to know what happened every second while you weren’t here? Well i’ll tell you what happened you nosey, no work doing motherf*cker… We did all of your $hit!  And that’s what we do everytime you’re not here, we get stuck doing all of your work!

So in the future, my advice to you is to either be here to do your work or don’t complain when you come back and decide to grace us all with your presence the few hours a week you decide to be here.  You can’t do both a$$hole, so either stop complaining or work a full f*cking schedule like the rest of us. Or you can keep doing both if you want, just know we all hate you and make fun of you nonstop behind your back.

Wow that’s enough bitterness for a Friday, don’t ya think?  And i’ll tell you my friends, it feels good to vent but i’m not done yet.  i got one more work bashing blog in me and i’ll show that all to you next Tuesday.  So be ready!  But before that, let’s get to some nonsense shall we??

RANDOM NONSENSE

-i hate those signs at Supermarkets that say “Parking for Customer with Child,” or “Reserved for Adults with Children,” or even the “Expectant mother” parking spots.  Have you guys ever seen this $hit?   That garbage drives me NUTS, although i will say probably not for the reasons a lot of you have for hating these signs.  “F those new parents!  Why do they get a special spot just because they got knocked up?  Its not my fault you made such poor decisions in life!  Get a regular spot like the rest of us!”  Some of you may get angry at that aspect of it, but that’s not what i hate about these spots.  What bothers me the most is that whether you’re a woman who is expecting a new child or one who has just had a baby, you obviously have some pounds you need to work off.  If anything you should be parking really far away and walking as far as possible!  The exercise will help you out ladies.  For real, it’s not like you’re getting more attractive carrying around all of those extra rolls on your gut!  The long walk will do you good and trust me, your husbands will thank you!

See what i did there?  In the first part of my blog i made all my Conservative Republican friends mad at me by bashing Mitt Romney.  But now i just totally trashed women and moms so i just won them all back. It’s win win!  This is how you become famous.

-i HATE when people have mirrors in their bathrooms that face their toilet.  Isn’t that so awkward?  i’m sitting there, pants around my ankles as i lay the smack down on that porcelain throne after a late night binge of Natty light and JBC’s and a vanilla frosty from Wendy’s.  And the next thing i know i see myself in the mirror and i’m having a staring contest with miguel jose as i complete this filthy act of shame.  i don’t know, it’s just so strange to make eye contact with yourself when blasting a dookie, it almost makes you feel like someone else is in the room with you.  i don’t like being stared at when i’m going to the bathroom, i don’t even care if it’s me doing the staring.  And whenever you’re looking at yourself you always think the same thing, “Oh, so that’s what i look like when i’m taking a $hit!”  I’d imagine this must be worse for girls since you have to pee sitting down all of the time. And i wonder if this little fact showed up in Romney’s binder of women he likes to hire from. i doubt it.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – Why do blondes always let their hair get darker over the winter?  For real, i don’t care what the temperature outside is.  The blonder you are the hotter you are, it’s a pretty simple rule to follow.  Every girl i know waits until the winter and then they let their hair get darker, and every winter i want to sleep with all of you less and less.  So stop making yourself less hot, stay blonde ladies!  And i mean really blonde, like platinum blonde.  Like Christina Aguilera “Genie in a Bottle” blonde.  And now that i think about it, the only blonde girl i know smart enough to stay blonde over the winter is my friend Jenn V.  And God bless her, she’s one of the few moms who hasn’t just given up at life.  Unlike the rest of you moms who cut your hair short and wear mom clothes all the time.  But she also tries to help get the word out on my blog by posting it on her Facebook page, so Jen is super blonde, super nice and super hot!  But yeah for real stop letting the weather dictate your hotness ladies.  Stay gold Ponyboy.

Fast food tips – Do all of you know what Foie Gras is?  If you’re a vegetarian you probably hate me for even bringing it up, and if you think torturing an animal before you kill it and eat it makes it taste better then this fast food tip is for you!  The PETA website describes foie gras (which literally means “fatty liver”) as being produced by workers who ram pipes down male ducks’ or geese’s throats two or three times daily and pump as much as 4 pounds of grain and fat into the animals stomachs, causing their livers to bloat to up to 10 times their normal size.  Many birds have difficulty standing because of their engorged livers,  and  they may tear out their own feathers and cannibalize each other out of stress.

Or more likely they cannibalize each other because they taste delicious!  i haven’t tried this yet but i have to say i definitely want to and i am definitely going to.  Unless they ban it, which they have done in places like California.  Although from what i hear some people are fighting the ban.  Anyways, in this country there is a big discussion on whether the treatment of those animals is worth a delicious tasting food, and it makes me happy that in America that we can have a healthy debate about things like this in our country.  But they don’t care about that $hit in Japan!  They don’t give a f*ck about animals or people, which is why at Wendy’s in Japan you can get a Wendys’ Foie Gras Burger!   For $16 you get a classic beef patty loaded up with all the regular fixings plus a healthy dose of fatty duck liver.  So i’d just like to say thank you Japan, for giving your people the freedom to eat as much Foie Gras as they want.  You are truly the example of a great Democracy!

And that’s it for me kids.  i only got one more work rant in me so i hope all of you do too!  But forget about all that work bitterness for now.  i hope everyone goes out and has a great weekend, and if you wake up Saturday morning in a pile of your own vomit and you’re not wearing any pants, well i hope you think of me cause you make me proud!

Seeya on Tue…

Actually,  before i get out of here i need to address one thing.  And YES i admit i am a poor loser, and yes i’m a miserable jealous Mets fan.  But c’mon guys, you’re just gonna get swept up by the Tigers?  Oh well, i guess money can’t buy you everything.  Whether it be the Presidency or a World Series Ring, sometimes spending all the duckets in the world can’t get you what you want.  And i didn’t WANT to end my blog this way, but you guys earned it.  And not only that, after that AWFUL performance you guys not only deserve this bit but you guys are waiting for it, you guys are DYING to hear it… So here ya go!

LATER DICKS!

-miguel jo$é

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2 Responses to “So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that’s on the worst day of my life. – Peter Gibbons "Office Space"”

  1. Jim October 19, 2012 at 5:38 pm #

    Ummm… I don't really get the 'team' feeling from this blog.

    Like

  2. Miguel José October 19, 2012 at 7:58 pm #

    that's perfect cause i dont' get the team feeling at my job either.

    Ouch, both of our comments could be much better. Such a fantastic blog and we are blowing the comments section. oh well

    Like

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