Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, then this would be my career. And, well, if this were my career? I’d have to throw myself in front of a train. – Jim Halpert, "The Office"

16 Oct

What is up kids…

So i’m a little heated today.  And by a little heated i mean i kinda want to kill everyone sometimes.  And by kinda i mean definitely, and by sometimes i mean i AM GOING TO KILL EVERY LAST GDDMAN MOTHERF*CKER I EVER F*CKING SEE!!!!

Alright.  Deep breath.  Put down that knife and f*cking RE LAX for a hot one….

So yeah, that’s how i was feeling last Friday when i was supposed to post my blog.  i had pretty much finished it and i almost got it posted, but i got too caught up at my job.  Which sucks because i wrote a good one too “You mean for once?  Because your last few blogs have been B minus at best buddy, maybe it’s about time you stepped it up a tad!”.  Really guy?  You thought that blog where i wrote about where you should finish the first time you have sex with a girl wasn’t ruthless?  Because i thought that bit was the MONEY.  “Yeah yeah, that’s true.  It was hilarious and raw but not that many people read it.”  Well that may be so, but that is their problem.  When it comes to my problem, my problem is my job.  And more importantly, the fact that i don’t have the balls to leave that place already.

For real kids, i can’t figure out what i’m still doing there.  i am SO much better then that place, yet year after year i’m still stuck within these soul crushing walls.  Although don’t all of you feel that way at your job too? Like, you’re just better then it?  Or maybe that’s just me, and maybe it has to do with the fact that i’m an egotistical pretentious bag of douche and that’s just how i feel about myself because i know i’m the money. Oh and i’m mad funny and i’m great in the sack.  And i make fantastic omelette’s and i give good massages and i always smell nice.

Anyways, my job didn’t used to be this bad.  It used to not be one of those jobs that you absolutely DREAD going to.  You know, the ones where you wake up in tears because you have to walk into that hell hole.  And you have the kind of morning where you debate getting into a car accident on the way to work, just so you’d have a real excuse on why you couldn’t make it in.  But yeah my job used to not be like that, and for awhile i thought i was pretty lucky. 

But it CONSTANTLY gets worse and worse every year kids, and it does not keep happening by accident. i honestly believe that the people who are in charge of everything go out of their way to make everything more horrible.  And i don’t mean the direct bosses per se, i’m talking more of the Corporate suit “We OWN All of This $hit!” kind of people that always have to change things for some reason.  They always give you new procedures, and add extra responsibilities to your job. And the insane thing is that no matter how many responsibilities you already have, (especially when you have NO time to ever try and get the ones you have already done) they always find a way to give you more!   And they do it Prison rape style.  None warning, none lube, they just jam it in like “Yup, this is your new job now!  How’s that feel?  Take it all buddy and good luck with your new responsibilities!  Trust us, these changes are for the better!”

And they are NEVER for the better.  It is always just something that is more annoying and time consuming, and the longer you stay at the same job the worse that it gets.  That’s why there are times when it is worth it to just leave and go get a new job, just so the bar gets re-lowered and you get to start over with a new job being bad and getting increasingly worse.  And sometimes just that change is worth leaving.  But no, instead you stay at your current job and deal with those changes.  And if you notice, these changes are always NEGATIVE.  They NEVER make changes for the positive!  “OK everybody.  So for now on when you finish that project you don’t have to email everyone and complete that form online, you’re just done!”  “Oh and by the way, all summer long we’re allowed to wear shorts!  Oh and from now on Mondays during football season everyone can come in an hour late!” “And last but not least: Attention all new job applicants: We will only be hiring blond girls who are under 24 years old who like to wear skirts and don’t have kids and are TOTALLY into slightly overweight Hispanic studs who are great at Fantasy Football!!!”  Oh MAN just the thought of that scenario made me cream my jeans. My jeans have been creamed people!!!

Alright.  Deep breath.  Put down Big Papi and f*cking RE LAX for a hot one….
But it’s not even just the bull$hit at your actual job.  It’s the PEOPLE.  The gddamn, no life having, nosey, whiny complaining wastes of space that you have to see every gddamn day at your job whether you like it or not.  And there’s so many types of these A-hole list of All-Stars i don’t even know where to start.  But how about the guy who always asks questions at group meetings or trainings?  Because THAT guy is the f*cking worst. Because there is nothing better after sitting in a small room for an hour with no air on and the person running the meeting goes, “So does anyone have any questions?”  And then for that split second you stupidly hope no one will say anything but of course that one annoying a$$hole has to raise their hand and go “I HAVE A QUESTION! I HAVE A TOTALLY IRRELEVANT BUT LONG AND HORRIFICALLY TIME CONSUMING QUESTION I CAN ASK!!”  God Forbid this motherf*cker just waited until after the meeting to ask this inane garbage so the rest of us could get out of there.  But no, they need to ask their dumb question in front of EVERYONE because they are insecure and need the attention.  Next thing you know they start writing their own blog…
Then there’s the person you work who is the “tattle tale”.  This is the person who needs to tattle on EVERYTHING that happens in the office.  “I NEED TO TATTLE ON EVERYTHING BECAUSE I AM AN AWFUL HUMAN BEING WHO ACTS LIKE THEY ARE 6 YEARS OLD!!!”  For real, these sacks of garbage are not miserable enough in their own life so they have to make your life miserable as well.  Because these f*ckers have nothing else better to do in their own pathetic existence.  God forbid they just did their job and minded their own business.  But no, they have to run and tell on you for coming in late, or leaving early, or not following the dress code, or skipping that meeting, or having your phone off, or they don’t like that you’re on personal calls all the time, and they are just awful people who make your job so much f’n worse by being there but there is nothing you can do about it because they will never get fired ever.  And the worst part of these complete zeroes is that they are such hypocrites.  They all break their own rules but no one ever calls them out on it.  Probably because upper management can’t handle direct confrontation which ends up with people who should have been fired FOREVER ago staying at a job for years and years and making life hell for everyone they work with.  “WHOO HOO I LIKE TO TATTLE ON PEOPLE!”  Oh yeah?  Why don’t you just go die already?  For once you would be doing something that makes other happy.  Oh and do it painfully please.
Alright.  Deep breath.  This blog is getting CRAZY long so here’s what i’m gonna do.  i’m going to end this rant here now, but i’m going to finish the second part on Friday’s blog.  It’ll be just like last Friday’s blog except there will actually be one.  And if anyone has anything they hate about their job please make a comment and i’ll try to throw it in on Friday’s blog if i can.  Or i won’t be able to so i won’t.  Either way, part Dos of my unoffically resignation to my workplace is coming on Friday!


Is there anything worse then mean fat people?  i mean c’mon dude, it’s bad enough that you’re a hugemongous fat disgusting pile of lard that no one would ever want to look at let alone f*ck.  But really?  You’re going to add an awful personality on top of what has to be hundreds upon hundreds of pounds of revolting blubber?  Aren’t fat people supposed to be jolly?  Why not go with that angle?  Why not at least be a nice person so that when i make fun of you behind your back to my friends  i’d only do it with my f*cked up ones and then i’d feel a little bad about doing it?   But no, instead you’re going to be fat AND the worst which means not only do i mock you mercissilisly to everyone but i am also wishing for you to choke on that big piece of chocolate cake you are eating for breakfast and die breathing in frosting down your miserable gullet.  So keep being mean and keep stuffing your fat face while the rest of us hate you.  At the very least you could be jolly like Santa, but instead you want to be a disaster like Honey Boo Boo’s mama.  Well played fatso, at least nonstop eating isn’t your only problem.  Ho Ho Ho.

-i hate when i’m at a wedding and they bring the sherbert after the first course and someone always has to tell me, “the sherbert cleanses the pallet”.  Oh really a$$hole? You don’t think i know that?  Do i not look like a classy f*ck to you?  i know that sherbert cleanses my pallet $hit for brains!  Why don’t you cleanse my balls you unoriginal f*ck!!

Wow, this blog is getting a little TOO angry for my taste, and for that i apologize.  Oh, and speaking of apologizing…

ONE HITTERS:  i guarantee that if you work somewhere where you personally exchange emails with clients, 85% of them contain some sort of the phrase “i apologize” somewhere within your email.

“OLD SCHOOL” Tips for “OLD SCHOOL” Video Games:

Do any of you have those friends on Facebook that constantly post unfunny jokes and pictures that you never find funny?  “If you throw in blogs then i say yes, i definitely know someone like that!”  Well of course you do, because most people are awful.  But my boy Bill Hatton who probably doesn’t read my blog posts fantastic stuff on FB all the time and a lot of times i steal it and never give him credit so that’s what i’m doing now.  Thanks Bill! Keep posting money stuff!
“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – Listen couples out there, it is NEVER okay to share a toothbrush.  EVER.  i don’t know what gives some of you the idea that just because you make love that makes it okay to do even more horrifically disgusting things to each other, but it’s not.  It’s not and never was.  “But we kiss, what’s the difference?”  The difference is when that when we’re making out and my johnson is at 12 o’clock, the idea of sharing your juices is the hottest thing ever.  But if i’m getting ready for work and i see you shoving my toothbrush in your mouth when we BOTH know how bad your morning breath is, the idea of then using that toothbrush right after you makes me want to vomit.  Which defeats the purpose because then i’d just have to brush my teeth again anyway!  But yeah having dirty nasty sex in the bedroom does NOT mean i want to bring those dirty habits into the bathroom.  And definitely not on my toothbrush!
Miguel’s Money Movie Review: Can the movie business stop pushing Joseph Gordon Levitt so hard already?  i mean for real, he’s alright i guess.  And before Albin starts emailing me how much he loved him in “Angels in the Outfield” and Kohl starts crying about how AMAZING he was in “Halloween H20” let me just say he was money in “Inception”, and he was alright in the new “Dark Knight” when they revealed he’s going to be the new Batman after Bruce Wayne dies **SPOILER ALERT!!!**  But now this kid is in every gddamn movie, and hosting SNL, and now he’s in that movie “Looper”.  A looper, you know. A caddy, a looper, a jock.  So i tell them i’m a pro jock, and who do you think they give me?  The Dalai Lama himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald… striking.  So my point is “Caddyshack” is the funniest movie of all time, even over “Dumb and Dumber” there, i said it. Are you happy now?!?!

Fast food tips – McDonalds constantly leads the way with breakfast, from setting the bar across the country that breakfast ends at 10:30 am, and one of the best inventions of all time, the McGriddle.  But in Japan they are still not done innovating which is why they have created a new breakfast sandwich that makes me Mccream my pants.  And that sandwich is called, “THE MEGA MUFFIN” which surprisingly was also my nickname in college .  This new breakfast sandwich contains TWO breakfast sausage patties, cheese, egg, bacon and ketchup all between a classic McDonald’s English muffin.  And it’s about time because the last few times i ordered a regular Mcmuffin sandwich i didn’t end up on the bowl all morning and having to call out of sick from work.  This new sandwich remedies that one flaw, and to McDonalds and Japan i just have to say thank you.  And Bonzai!!! 

You know something?  This Mega Muffin gives me an idea for a new band name…

A Great Name for a Punk Band!  “Diarrhea Delight”
UGH c’mon miguel!  How are you gonna give a delicious fast food tip and then tell us it’s only available in Japan.  And then follow it up with “Diarrhea Delight”??  You are a classless a$$hole and i’m glad you’re miserable at your job!”
Alright fine, here’s another bonus tip for you.
Fast food tips – Right now at McDonalds you can get any size coffee for $1.  And i must say McDonalds coffee is surprisingly pretty decent.  And considering for $1 you can buy one donut for that price at Dunkin Donuts and literally nothing at Starbucks, to only have to spend one bean on some coffee beans is the money…. bean.  Shut up.
The Money $hout-out of the Week-  Alright so that one Fast Food tip that i probably already told all of you isn’t going to make up for an entire blog of angry ranting and horrific images about deucing and puke.  “Let alone the lack of funny jokes!”  So for no other reason other then i want to post hot pictures of someone, this week’s shout out goes to Minka Kelly!  i feel like no one talks about her anymore ever since she dumped Derek Jeter (and after she dumps him all of a sudden he breaks his ankle and is out for the rest of the Postseason.  Coincidence?) , and it’s a shame because this girl has got the face of an angel and her body makes me want to do devilish things.  And by devilish things i mean i want to put my P in her V and cover her F and S with my Q as i R her H until my NB is completely drained.  But in a blog filled with nothing but bitchy complaining and bathroom humor the least i could do is post pictures of this Goddess and give a breath of sweet fresh air into everyone’s life…
Um, best way to end a blog EVER.  But thanks for reading part one of my job rant.  i’ve got even more pissing and moaning to do on Friday’s blog, but it felt good to get that out there today.  And again, if anyone has anything they hate about their job please feel free to post it here or on Facebook and if you’re lucky i’ll steal your jokes and not give you credit.  It’s win win!  Man i like this blog writing job so much better!
See you on Friday!  For reals this time!
-miguel jo$é
Oh and before i go.  i’m not a Yankee fan by any means, and i would never want to give them any advice that would help them win the World Series.  But Joe Girardi, if ANYONE ever needed to say this someone you need to say this right now before your series is over…


That’s for you Loalbo

10 Responses to “Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, then this would be my career. And, well, if this were my career? I’d have to throw myself in front of a train. – Jim Halpert, "The Office"”

  1. Jim October 16, 2012 at 3:33 pm #

    With any luck those fat hypocrites have a coronary at their desk and no one notices. A perfectly lackluster death to a worthless life. The only mourners being Frito-Lay.


  2. Anonymous October 16, 2012 at 4:12 pm #

    Straight up cash right here! I guess we will all have to wait a few more months until we hear your rant about company Christmas parties(please). I seriously wanted to fuck my old boss just so I could find something to like about him. Oh and about the fat thing, when it comes to women I have to say that the difference between crazy and eccentric is 30 pounds.


  3. Anonymous October 16, 2012 at 4:14 pm #

    If you are a woman and crazy and thin, then you are “eccentric” but if you are just fat and crazy then you are just fuckin' crazy.


  4. Angel.Face October 16, 2012 at 4:28 pm #

    In the world I see – you're stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway. And as you reflect upon the vague memories of our old world, one liberating thought will echo in your mind again and again: sieg whoo.


  5. Miguel José October 16, 2012 at 6:16 pm #

    That was strictly a ruthless only comment until the Frito lay bit, that was fantastic


  6. Miguel José October 16, 2012 at 6:17 pm #

    i will def do a rant for you on christmas parties. Oh wait, i mean “holiday” parties. Can't offend anyone ya know! 🙂


  7. Miguel José October 16, 2012 at 6:18 pm #

    Fat, thin, who cares? i just want under 25, then you are all beautiful in my eyes!


  8. Miguel José October 16, 2012 at 6:19 pm #

    Seig Dukes?


  9. Anonymous October 16, 2012 at 9:25 pm #

    Jemy used my toothbrush once and he told me when he saw me brushing my teeth. So that shit was already in my mouth.


  10. Miguel José October 18, 2012 at 3:22 am #

    that is HORRIFIC. But at least he buys toilet paper for the bathroom all the time…


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