I am the King of the mountain top. I reign supreme over everyone in this school! I am the golden god of this place!! I reign supreme!! I! I!!! – Dennis Reynolds "It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia"

9 Oct

What is up kids?

To all you teachers that had off yesterday… it’s time get back to work!  All you lazy, no summer working, tenured for no reason, bringing down the economy with your constant striking and demand for more pay, Socialists liberal aholes!  Really? You get off for Columbus day?  That makes sense, the last thing you would want to do is actually be in a classroom and teach America’s children why we celebrate Columbus and everything he did for our country. And by everything he did i mean come to a foreign land and take it over through brute force and cruel treatment of the peaceful native people who lived here who we first tricked into thinking we were friendly and then we basically killed them all through war and disease and ridding them of their culture and religion.  But this country’s youth will never know that because these overpaid, under worked teachers had off for for that holiday just like they do every other made up holiday!  But your undeserved vacation day is over so get back to work already!  Or at least your version of what you call “work”… 

And oh yeah, to all of the young girls who read my blog who had off yesterday because their school was closed… welcome back my beautiful babies!  You all were missed 😉

But anyways, it’s another miserable rainy Fall day huh?  Oh well, don’t fret.  It may be cold and rainy today but the sun will be out soon when “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” returns this Thursday!  Do all of you watch this show?  You should, it is definitely a part of  Shows you SHOULD be watching!

But for real, there is SO much good television to be watching right now, it’s insane.  From “Always Sunny” coming back this week to other comedies like “Tosh.0” and “Key and Peele” and new episodes of “South Park” (which is still the most underrated comedy of all time) and even that new show “Brickleberry” that’s just okay.  Plus “The Office” is back for their last season and thank God for that because that show is barely watchable at times these days.  Although “Parks and Recreation” is also back on and that show is like the “Office” when the Office was still funny.  It had a rough first season but it found it’s voice in Season two and is now one of the best comedies on television.

And then you got your horrific nonsense singing shows returning like “American Voice” and “The X Factor Idol” or whatever garbage that is.  i’m pretty sure that show for the gays “Glee” is back on television and other awful shows of that nature.  You have even got the “Real Housewives” reunion show on Sunday nights, although apparently these “reunion” shows last as long as an entire season since they go on for 7 episodes or something crazy like that. 

And i’m guessing there a whole bunch of sitcoms that are back on that i would never watch in a million years like “Big Bang Theory” and “How i Met Your Mother” or even “2 and a Half Men” with that talentless unfunny grandma banging Ashton Kutcher who is punking the entire planet by having a career.  i don’t watch any of that kind of “generic” comedy, i tried once and not only did i not crack a smile but when i started crying after being bored to tears i called up Fios to cancel NBC and CBS for showing those crimes against humanity.  “OMG miguel i love those shows!”  i’m sure you do person who likes cheesy sitcom comedy shows that are based around “laugh” tracks to let you the audience know when you should be laughing.   “OMG the audience on t.v. is laughing… i guess it HAS to be funny!”  Hey dumb shows on television, how about you focus on the jokes and i’ll worry about when i’m supposed to laugh or not?  It’d be like if during horror movies they had to show people in the audience getting frightened so you would know when the scary parts are!  If i have to hear people laugh to know somethings funny then maybe it’s possible your “comedy” writing isn’t that great?  Just sayin.

And don’t even get me started on how much good television is on Sunday nights.  Between “Sunday Night Football” and new “Simpsons” and “Family Guy” (which i will talk about Meg Griffin in a bit) and even “American Dad” which people tell me is funny but i’ll never watch it.  And now they put “Revenge” on Sunday nights too?  How the hell am i gonna watch all those shows, and football, and “Revenge” AND “Dexter”???  Because “Dexter”  is back and this season has already started off F’N CRAZY and totally reminded me why it’s one of my favorite shows ever.  And “Homeland” is back on and people seem to love that show even though i saw about 4 episodes and thought it was good but nothing to get my panties in a bunch over.

So yeah my point is it’s CRAZY there are so many new and good television shows back on, and now i will blame all of that for me never going to the gym and/or getting off of my couch.  Well that and the cold weather.  But yeah television and the weather are the reasons i never work out or go running, and those are the reasons i can’t start my diet again either.  That all makes sense, right?  It can’t be because i’m an unmotivated fat f*ck who hates running and loves fried food, can it?  CAN IT????  No???  Well i don’t care, i’m still not working out or eating right and i’m gonna sit and watch all of this television till my eyes bleed.  So eat me.

On to the nonsense!

RANDOM NONSENSE

-Is there anything better then walking into the bathroom at work and all of the lights turning on when you walk in?  Some of you have zero clue what i’m talking about, but others are saying “i know, right??  It’s the best feeling ever!”  Well it’s the latter people i’m talking to, because they understand the fantastic feeling of walking into the bathroom and realizing you’re the only person in there.  Normally using the bathroom at work is the bad combo of interacting with people you are trying to avoid all day combined with them either having their junk in their hand or their pants around their ankles as they leave a Katrina like disaster in the stall next to you.  And none of this horrificness includes the smells you have to endure after your lovely co-worker needs to make a pitstop after eating that horrible smelling lunch that stunk up the entire office that was a cross between raw fish and curry covered in bad cheese, which you now get to smell again after it came out the other end.  But none of that matters when you walk into the bathroom and the lights go on, because not only does that mean you have the bathroom to yourself but you also get the pleasure of not sitting on a seat that is still warm from the disgusting butt cheeks that were only on it only a few seconds ago.  It’s the simple pleasures in life that make me happy.

-Can everyone stop blaming Obama for how high gas prices are?  Actually no, can we stop blaming ALL Presidents on how high gas prices are?  The President does not f*cking control the gas prices!  What don’t you people get about this?  First of all, it’s a global market which means it is NOT just based on what happens in America no matter how much people in this country think we are the only people who matter on this planet.  And it’s a industry based on what happens in the Middle East which surprisingly means that things are run in a pretty f*cked up way.  Oh and add to the mix a bunch of Wall Street speculators who basically raise the numbers at will and you can forget about the chance of not being anally raped every time you go get gas.  Why else do you think they call it “the pump”?  But for real, people that think Obama has the ability to do anything about gas prices are literally out of their mind.  “But gas was at $1.84 when he took office and look how high it is now!”  Oh you’re right, gas was never high when Bush was President. Except for a few months right before Obama took office and gas was at $4.11 a gallon all over America.  Does anyone bring that point up?  i’m guessing no because it’s easier to bash Obama with ignorance then it is to look at the facts.  “But wait, if gas was that high only a few months before Obama took office that would mean the President really doesn’t  have anything to do with the price of gas and that it is always going to go up and down for no reason no matter who the current President is!”  Way to figure that out person who would never actually come to this conclusion because you are so blinded by your hatred of the President that you only say bull$hit and don’t like to back up your opinions with facts.  Because answer me this, if the President really could just lower gas prices if he wanted to why wouldn’t he just lower them now while the election is a month away and then raise them after he takes office again?  i’ll tell you why, it’s because the President doesn’t have anything to do with gas prices.  Put that in your little tea bagger pipe and smoke that $hit till you understand things.

Guy who f*cked me in fantasy football this week…. GdDAMN you Andre Johnson!  You are so f*cking done, i don’t know why i believed you still had talent.  If you got me 5 FREAKING POINTS i would have won two more of my leagues!!!!!   But no, you are caught up which means now i’m caught up too since i need to depend on you all season. Guess i’ll trade a running back to make you my number 2 or possibly flex, but for real man the stage was yours on Monday night and you made a fool of yourself against the lowly Jets.  You’re like a girl who turned 25, your prime is over. Enjoy your mediocre stats the rest of your career, hopefully Foster will do you a favor and win you a championship. The kind you won’t win me this year. Thanks for totally f*cking me buddy!

“Whoo hoo i hate fantasy football and i hate this bit! Why can’t you talk more about horror movies and comics and soccer and whatever fancy craft beer i’m into this week that i think makes me look cool but in reality i’m just a pretentious douchebag?”  Well i do label my bits Jim Kohl, so please feel free to skip this one every Tuesday when i write it.  You can skip over this bit the way i know you skip over all of my Kate Upton pictures because i know you don’t like looking at pictures of hot girls either.  So just treat this bit the same way my friend, although speaking of which it HAS been been awhile….

In case you are wondering (and if you have a heartbeat and a penis i know you are), these pics are all from Kate Upton’s Twitter page which you can follow at @Kateupton   So yeah, go do that already.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE –Speaking of being f*cked, i feel like the phrase “more bang for your buck” should only be used for prostitutes.  People use this phrase for everything, i heard it about an air conditioner the other day.  “Yeah even though this model is pretty cheap, you really get more bang for your buck”.  Really?  i don’t even get where i’m supposed to put my penis.  i mean i do see some holes but they are FREEZING!  Haha this joke is ridiculous and makes no sense.

A Great Name for a Punk Band!  “LOVE BUTTON”

The Money $hout-out of the Week-

-Congrats to Mila Kunis for being named Esquire Magazine’s “Sexiest Woman alive!”  Although she has reason to be worried since last year’s winner was Rihanna which basically means Mila is going to be beat up by Chris Brown sometime soon.  Although can we talk about this for a second?  Rihanna is really going to date Chris Brown again???  Really???  i know most of you know Chris Brown from flying around the stage at the VMA’s and his hits including “Forever” and Rihanna’s face.  And yeah yeah, i’m not even close to the first one to make that joke.  But it is apt!  Although wait, do all of you not remember that? Well here, let me remind you

i feel like no one remembers that this is what he did to Rihanna because everyone talks about Chris Brown like he’s not a woman beating bag of douche who deserves to have all his teeth bashed in for what he did to her. But that’s what he will always be to me, because only complete lowlife ignorant bully jerkoffs hit a woman, let alone beat the f’n unholy hell out of her.  So yeah, for some reason i’m not impressed by him flying around the stage at an awards show, and i feel bad for Rihanna for being blinded by his bull$hit and going back to him.  But oh well, sometimes love really sucks my ballsack and that’s the case for her i guess.

But yeah ANYWAYS, Mila Kunis is 29 years old which automatically takes her out of the running for Sexiest Woman alive for me by about 9 years.  And she’s brunette which means there are blondes out there that are WAY hotter.  But she did go down on Natalie Portman in “Black Swan” so for that i just want to say congratulations!

Fast food tips – So i totally love bagels.  i could probably eat one every day to be honest, most likely because they are high in carbs and contain no nutritional value and because a bagel with cream cheese is a great way to add 700 calories to your day before you even wake up.  But what’s the biggest problem with bagels?  To me it’s that i could never put one inside my face so you could see it poking out of my forehead.  Does anyone else have this problem too?  Well fear not my faithful readers, because Japan has made bagel foreheads the newest trend in fashion!  That’s right kids, in an upcoming episode of National Geographic’s “Taboo” series they will feature Japan’s newest body modification trend: bagel heads.  Basically people create a bagel-shaped knot on their foreheads by injecting saline solution into their skin causing their foreheads to swell.  Then when it reaches it’s full puffiness, the injector uses their thumb to create an indention in their head to give it that “classic” bagel look.  Apparently this look lasts for 18-24 hours although the shame of being a moronic lunatic can last a lifetime. 

i found this story HERE at mashable.com if you want to watch the video.  But trust me you probably don’t.  Or maybe you’re a sicko and you do want to watch it, who knows.  All i know is i can’t wait to meet the first girl who has one of these bagel heads because i can’t wait so spread my own personal cream cheese all over her face! 

That’s enough f*cked up looking faces for one blog don’t you think?  Although now that i think about it maybe that’s what happened to Rihanna.  She didn’t get beat up by Chris Brown she was just ahead of the trend in Japan and she was going for the bagel face look!  Oh man, now i feel better about her getting back with him.  And the next time she shows up with a busted up face we’ll just go “Oh Rihanna setting the trends again, she’s a true artist!”  And by artist i mean her face is covered in all sorts of wonderful shades of black and blue and purple.  
Alright i’m out.  i’ll see you kids on Friday with an all new blog!  But before i go, i have some breaking news that i just saw on Facebook.  Apparently one of the few people worse then Chris Brown just got a sentence of at least 30 years in prison.  And while hopefully we find out that sentence get changed to a life sentence it’s still nice to say…

LATER DICK!

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