Ohhh when you’re going on a date, and you put on a shirt! And you ride your bike, to the daaaaate! – Rod Kimble "Hot Rod"

5 Oct

What is up kids?

It’s finally f*cking Friday!!!   Gdamn these weeks keep getting longer and longer, i feel like i’ve been waiting to make it to the weekend for like the last 3 months!

But we made it kids, and once i get through this miserable day of work i’ll finally be free to do whatever i want!  Which yes normally involves me buying a Natty Light 30 pack and a bottle of apple Vodka and club, and doing a power hour by myself as i cry alone in my room listening to Adele albums wondering why i can’t find a girl for me.  Because never mind, i’ll find someone else like you….

And then after i pound some Vodka i will probably take a ride to Sonic at 1 in the morning, because no matter what time of day it is i want one of their big bacon breakfast burritos and a chocolate shake.  And yes i eat burritos and shakes at the same time, don’t judge me!  And then while i swallow down all of that awful food and shame on the ride home i will crash on my bed and look at my phone for the texts that never come from any girls and/or my friends, until i end the night masturbating drinking Vodka in the shower as i cry some more and watch all my hopes and dreams wash down the same drain that i will be pushing puke chunks through the next morning when i throw up. 

But not this weekend!  This weekend i’m going to do Orange vodka instead of apple!   No, no, that’s not what i meant.  What i mean is i’m done coming home on Fridays and laying around in my own filth until Monday rolls around when i figure i should probably finally shower now that i’m going to see “actual” people again once i go to work.  i want to do something this weekend!  And by do something i mean it’s probably about time i started dating again.

UGH i know, i’m way more fun when i’m single.  And who wants to read a blog about me meeting the girl of my dreams and then falling in love and then having kids and a family and then… BAAAAAAARRFFF.  Um, could someone help me with my shower drain? Because apparently even talking about that stuff made me vomit food all over the place which is weird because i didn’t even eat breakfast! 

That’s probably too much puke talk for the first 3 sentences of my blog, don’t you think?

But yeah i guess i need to start dating again.  Even though there is NOTHING worse then going on a first date.  It’s almost always so awkward, and neither of you know how to act or what each other likes and/or dislikes.  And you don’t want to offend the other person by saying something dumb like that you hate cats or don’t believe in God when you know she goes to church every Sunday and of course she loves cats because all girls love cats.  But then you always find out some awful truth about them like they hate Pearl Jam and think “LOST” is the worst show ever and you’re just like “why do i even bother going on these stupid dates?”  And then you remember, “Oh yeah, i want to stick my P in a V!”

So you put up with that nonsense and go on these dates and they are pretty much never fun.  You spend all this money on dinner and drinks, only to get a small kiss goodnight and the promise of a phone call to hang out again that neither of you will ever make.  Ugh, THIS is what i want to start doing again??  That whole scenario sounded worse then my original plans for this weekend.

But yeah it’s about that time i guess.  i need to get out there, i need to find someone.  i need me a girl to walk this Earth with, a partner in crime if you will.  And i guess i’m not going to find it at the bottom of a shot glass no matter how many times i try.  So i’m gonna do my best to make this weekend a little different for once, and i’m going to go out there and try to make things happen.  And yeah i’m sure my night will end the same way, with my naked Hispanic body getting soaked in the shower as burrito bits and pieces of puke fall gently from my face as they mix in with the water from the shower and the salt of my tears.  But at least this time i will have actually tried to do something different, and for that i should be at least a little happy that i tried, right?  No???  Well alright then.  On to the nonsense!


-So speaking of dating, no one ever talks about this but i’m gonna bring it up now because it needs to be said.  When you sleep with a girl for the first time, there’s one question you should probably ask before you start the deed.  And no, it’s not to ask her how many guys she has slept with befoe you.  For real, who f’n cares?  As long as it wasn’t that same day you should never ask or even care how many guys the girl you are with now has been with before you.  You never want to know and it has NOTHING to do with your current situation.  Why do guys do this to themselves?  You know you are an insecure ahole, why would you ask a question that is sure to bring nothing but stress and panic in your life?  But back to the question you need to ask, it also does not involve finding out if the girl is on birth control.  Because that is HER problem and her problem alone.  It’s not like i can get pregnant.  And whatever, this girl doesn’t even know my real name so how could she find me 9 months later?  But anyways, the question i am talking about that no one ever asks before they have sex for the first time is where do you want me to finish?  Obviously if i’m wearing a condom then that is a moot question.  And obviously if i’m wearing a condom the sex will be awful and it’s almost not worth having.  But if we are having sex for the first time and i’m not wearing a condom, the question on where to finish is a pretty important one.  Because you don’t want to just go right for her face on the first date. That’s kind of raw to be honest.  And to finish on her buttcheeks if you’re hitting her up doggystyle is kinda raw too, especially if you really like the girl and respect her.  It’s a tad insulting to end your first love making session with her not even facing you and you blasting her right on the tramp stamp.  And what if she’s going down on you for the first time?  Do you just assume she swallows?  Do you give her the heads up when it’s “coming” so that she knows it’s time to make her decision on how she’d like to handle this?  These are all questions that should be asked before you are in the “moment” but you never do.  So ladies, do us a favor.  When we start having sex and it’s a good 2 to 3 minutes into it which means we are about to finish just give us a heads up, will ya?  “Aim for my face!  Plaster my stomach and t!ts!  Shoot it all over me!”  Honestly, any of the following directions will do….

Man that was a long bit.  i could have probably made that it’s own rant!  But whatever it fits in with my dating bit and i think it was pretty hilarious so i hope you do too.

-Did you ever have a dream where you were banging some INCREDIBLY sexy girl you’re thinking about, whether it be a famous person or someone you know.  And it’s totally hot and you’re really into it but then you wake up.  And when you wake up you’re still extremely happy because you just realized you don’t have to go through that awkwardness of having to kick her out of bed now that you’re done with her because all you wanted to do was punish her sweet love hole and you had no intentions of hanging out with her afterwards? Man, i love those dreams.

-i still use “old school” headphones when i listen to my Ipod.  And no, it’s not because i’m f*cking 57 years old. It’s because i hate those stupid little pod things for you ears!  i don’t know if i have a misshaped head or if i just have weird ears but there’s always ONE ear pod that just will not f’n stay in my ear.  Or maybe it kinda stays in my ear but i can just feel it slipping out the whole time and then i focus way more on that then the music i’m listening too.  Probably because i’m an insane person.  But yeah the oldschool ones fit right on my dome, and i can walk or run or work out or do any of the things that i never really do in real life and those $hits will stay on my head with none problem.  So f*ck those stupid little ear buds and i don’t care that i look like i’m still living in the 80’s with my big headphones on.  At least i can hear the gddamn music and i’m not worried about those stupid ear buds falling out!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – i feel like the driving age and the legal age of consent for sex should be the same age.  All of you can argue what that age is, so feel free to do so. Personally i have my own opinion on what the legal age should be but we can put that part of the law up to debate for later.  But my point is, if a girl can legally drive to my house to feel my Hispanic Hammer then i feel like i should be legally allowed to have sexual intercourse with her.  How does this not already make sense to everybody?  If anything i think the driving age should be older then the age of consent.  For real, you don’t have to be that responsible to have sex, it’s just a P in the V for crying out loud.  It happens all the time and it’s happened since the beginning of time so it can’t be that big of a deal. And between contraception and my pattened move of pulling out i feel like i’m plenty responsible in the bedroom. But anyways who cares, it doesn’t matter to me how responsible people are in the bedroom because that doesn’t affect me at all.  Your dumb ass out on the roads behind the wheel of a large vehicle however, that on the other hand is a big responsibility.  And all i’m saying is that if you can handle the responsibility of driving a car then you should be able to handle my big beefy burrito.  Or at least try to…

ONE HITTERS: When a child gets murdered and the police arrive at the scene, do they outline the child’s body with crayon instead of chalk?

Sorry everyone, Dexter is back on and i’ve been having some F*CKED up thoughts lately…

“OLD SCHOOL” Tips for “OLD SCHOOL” Video Games:
This isn’t so much a tip as it is me saying “Happy Birthday!” to a bunch of video games that turned 25 years old this year!  It’s f’n crazy to think about this but the year 1987 gave birth to “The Legend of Zelda”, “Metal Gear”, the original “Street Fighter”, “Mega Man”, and “Double Dragon.”  Holy $hitballs even just writing out all of these amazing titles it is f’n INSANE that all these classic games came out in the same year!  It’s as incredible as the fact that the Red Hot Chilli Peppers album “Blood Sugar Sex Magik” and Nirvana’s “Nevermind” and A Tribe Called Quest’s “Low End Theory” all came out on the same day in 1991!  And it’s even crazier to think that my next girlfriend hadn’t even been born yet when any of this stuff came out!  But anyways happy 25th birthday to some of the greatest games of all time.  And yes the fact that they are 25 now means that they have hit the “wall”, but just like the ladies that does not mean i don’t love you anymore.  It just means you will never be as hot and/or as attractive as you were before you turned 25…

Fast food tips – Jeebus Christmas how many freaking Burger King fast food tips can i keep putting out?  Well i can’t help it, they keep adding new items and as a Fast Food Connoisseur i feel like people want to know these things.  But besides all the new food items i keep promoting every blog they also added a few new dipping sauces which is really my favorite thing at fast food places.  But to go along with their new chicken strips, or popcorn chicken, or whatever new chicken thing they have that i already forgot about they also released some new sauces to dip both your chicken and/or balls in, whatever floats your boat.  But in addition to their regular sauces they now also have Roasted Jalapeno BBQ sauce, Kung Pao sauce, Zesty sauce (which sounds a little vague…) and Buffalo Sauce.  And yes i hate the fact that just because they have new sauces that i will HAVE to go to BK and get 20 or so nuggets and about 50 or so sauces and try them all.  But i don’t judge me so you shouldn’t either, so what you need to judge instead are these new sauces so go and try them today!  Or don’t, i don’t care. 

And that’s enough insanity for today.  i hope everyone enjoyed today’s blog, it was a little more raw then usual but i kinda feel like that’s the direction i’m gonna head towards so oh well i hope you are all down for the ride.  And speaking of ride i need to start looking for a date so i will see you kids on Tuesday!
-miguel jo$é

2 Responses to “Ohhh when you’re going on a date, and you put on a shirt! And you ride your bike, to the daaaaate! – Rod Kimble "Hot Rod"”

  1. Jim October 5, 2012 at 3:44 pm #

    JEEZUS! That was raw man.


  2. Miguel José October 5, 2012 at 5:42 pm #

    i know, Roasted Jalapeno BBQ sauce? It sounds amazing, those people at BK are crazy!


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