As a kid Halloween was amazing. You dress like a superhero, you bang on your neighbor’s door and they give you candy. I do that today and my neighbor wants me arrested. Probably cause I make a hot Catwoman. – Jim Gaffigan

2 Oct

What is up kids?

Holy F’n $hitballs it’s gddamn October already???  Wasn’t it just f’n summer two seconds ago?  i feel like it was only yesterday we were all down the shore in our speedos while we stared at that girls summer volleyball camp beach party through our binoculars until that one older counselor saw us and then we had to casually walk away hoping they didn’t realize i was filming everything the entire time.  Doesn’t it feel like we were just doing that?  Or wait, was that just me….

But yeah man, life is f’n FLYING by these days.  Just yesterday i was planning my summer birthday party and now i’m wondering what the f*ck am i going to be for Halloween this year.  Because if you haven’t thought about your costume yet you need to do so ASAP because this holiday will be here before you know it.  And the last thing you want is to be one of those ghetto aholes with either some cheap ass lame costume or even worse, NONE costume.  Don’t you hate those people that don’t wear costumes to Halloween parties?  “Oh yeah, i never get dressed up.”  Oh sorry Mr. President, i forgot your job at that stupid payroll company is SO f’n important that you can’t be caught having fun and dressing up on a silly holiday where EVERYONE dresses up.  Although i’m guessing you haven’t realized that when you do go to a Halloween party and you don’t wear a costume you will get WAY more attention for being a non dressed up no having fun ahole then you would have if you just put on some stupid mask.  So basically your plan to not look stupid only makes you look like the biggest loser ahole at the party.  Just sayin….

But yeah i f’n love October.  The weather has finally cooled down, football and fantasy football has taken over my life and i can’t wait to throw my annual Halloween party again this year at my place.  Notice i didn’t say October baseball, and that is because i am a Mets fan and my season ends around the All-Star break in July.  And that’s in a “good” year.  And i hate the fact that my Mets are awful but at least it’s only baseball and who really f’n cares because that sport sucks my balleens and as Daniel Tosh says baseball is only one strike away from becoming soccer.  And whoo hoo the Yankees are in a super tight pennant race!  They only have to spend $150 million more then everyone else does in payroll to be going down to the wire with the lowly Baltimore Orioles.  Sounds like they spent their money wisely to me.  Although speaking of the Yankees, are there any Republicans who like the Yankees?  All that team does is spend a ridiculous amount of money, WAY more money then anyone else and when they make a mistake or spend it on a bad investement they just spend even MORE money to buy their way out of their mistakes.  i have to imagine Republicans would f’n HATE that and would rather root for a team that is more fiscally sound and conservative and doesn’t put their organization more in debt.  So i guess you can root for the Yankees if you want but by doing so you are saying you are also voting for Obama since you like spending money so much.  So how do you like that Chuck?  You’re a gddamn shady Democrat, so enjoy your money wasting Yankees and keep taxing and spending it up you filthy Liberal!

But yeah that’s all i gots today for this rant.  i’m going to go OFF on a subject on Friday so i’m kinda saving myself for that, so today we’ll just keep it light and say Happy October everyone and i hope everyone is ready for a wacky month because i got a feeling that a LOT of crazy stuff is going to be happening soon. i can just feel it…

On to the Nonsense!


-Why do people who are serving me at a restaurant always ask if i’d like to “try” one of their dinner specials?  Or even “try” one of their amazing craft beers or “try” one of their wonderful original mixed drink specials?  Because when you ask me to “try” something i am assuming i get to “try” it for free, because that is what you do when you “try” something.  However, if by “try” something you are really asking me to “buy” that item then maybe you should just say that.  Because now that i have to “buy” your over priced speciality beers and “buy” that smoked salmon with the bacon encrusted almonds over fresh asparagus with lobster sprinkles that goes for $65 a plate, i gotta say now all of a sudden i’m not so interested…

Haha i totally just made up that smoked salmon special but doesn’t that sound delicious?  Someone get on making that, i’d love to “try” it!

ONE HITTERS: If i saw the commercials for that Stub Hub “Ticket Oak” monstrosity while on shrooms i’d have to imagine i would just kill myself because that is the creepiest f*cking looking thing EVER…..

Shows you SHOULD be watching! If you guys are not watching “Dexter” then you are gddamn f’n BLOWING it!  Holy S this is easily one of the best shows on T.V., especially if you are into shows about serial killers who only kill other serial killers.  Although if you are someone who watches the “Real Housewives of whatever white trash town they choose” or any awful singing shows like “American X Factor” or “Dancing with The Voice” or “Glee” or any of that garbage you will probably hate Dexter because all it has is fantastic acting and incredible plot lines and it actually makes you think and use your brain.  So yeah maybe this show isn’t for everyone but to people who enjoy character development and real human drama you should probably check it out even though it is in season 6 and we already know season 7 will be the last one.  Just start watching it on Netflix already and catch up so you can come and enjoy this amazingness!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – i can’t stand girls that ALWAYS find a way to bring their boyfriends up during a conversation.  For real, NO ONE CARES.  They will turn ANY conversation into their boyfriend.  So yeah i’m going to florida this weekend… “OMG me and BF went to florida last summer it was incredible!”  Hey do you happen to know what time it is?…”OMG my BF just bought me this beautiful watch i love it!!!”  My family is having a really tough time, we just found out my Grandmother has cancer…  “OMG my Boyfriend’s a cancer he was born July 14th!!!”

Guy who f*cked me in fantasy football this week… Let’s see… Tom Brady throwing over 300 yards with 3 TD’s and running for one against me didn’t help me at all.  Neither did playing against the Texans defense in two leagues as well as the Bears defense last night who f’n blew the f*ck up.  Martellus Bennett doing absolutely zero f*cked both me and the Giants in an awful loss to those dirtbag Eagles.  Darren McFadden and Delmarco Murray who were my first two picks in one league did absolute d!ck this weekend, and after getting 55 yards in the first two minutes of the game Andre Johnson then proceeded to do absolutely jack $hit.  So thanks to everyone on my team that helped me go 0-3 this week!  And oh yeah Phillip Rivers you are officially getting benched for Andy Dalton since you apparently can’t outscore that fantastic ginger so you can go f*ck yourself too you motherf*cker.  Stupid f*cking fantasy football.

Oh and speaking of football, the Jets Owner Woody Johnson was asked whether he would rather the Jets have a winning season this year or if the candidate he is backing for President Mitt Romney would win the Presidency and he said of course he’d rather Mitt Romney be President.  So those of you who thought Woody Johnson was just an awful football owner who did the dumbest thing ever by first trading up to get that jobber Mark Sanchez and then by signing Tim Tebow to have a collection of Quarterbacks who can’t throw in this league, he actually has worse ideas in politics then he does with his football team that just got embarrassed at home 34-0.  So yes the bad news for the Jets keeps getting worse.

Oh and speaking of football, does anyone else wonder what Archie Manning’s sperm tastes like?  “WHOA!!!!!! What the F are you talking about now miguel?????”  Oh sorry, i forget that not everyone knows who Archie Manning is.  Archie Manning is both Peyton Manning and Eli Manning’s father, and Archie himself was a great NFL football player back in the day.  But yeah his son Peyton is considered one of the greatest Quarterbacks of all time and he has both a League MVP award and a Super Bowl Championship.  Eli doesn’t have a League MVP but he was the MVP of both Superbowls he won so even though he isn’t as highly regarded as his big bro he still has an extra Superbowl championship over him.  But yeah my point is both of these guys came from Archie Manning’s penis, so you got to think there is something special about that sperm.  i mean for real, two Superbowl champion sons??? i’m guessing his sperm explodes in your mouth like a Starburst and you can just taste the rainbow!  In fact, his sperm must taste as good as that made up smoked salmon bacon almond special i made up just before!  Although i have to admit, i don’t really have anything to compare the taste to because i’ve never personally tasted sperm before.  Well maybe that one time but i was drunk and we both agreed to never talk about it again.  Oh wait…   But yeah anyways the point of all of this is i have a lot of respect for the Manning family and i wish them great luck in the future in both football and in life.  Let’s go Giants!

Fast food tips – So to anyone that is an alcoholic on a budget you can get a bottle of Rokk Apple Vodka at Bottle King right now for $9.88.  Personally vodka is my drink right now, and i try to drink it with club at every chance imaginable which can get pretty pricey.  However, this under $10 delight actually tastes pretty good and for the price of one shot in the city to get an entire bottle of vodka this is really the only way to go these days.  And yeah this isn’t really a fast food tip but i got a little rattled with all the Manning sperm talk and now i don’t know what’s going on!!!!

Man that is some great free comedy for a Tuesday.  You are WELCOME my friends!  But thanks for reading and will see you all back here on Friday with some possible controversial nonsense.  It’s about time i stepped up these rants i think…
Cya Friday! – miguel jo$é

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