"If you want the rainbow, you’ve gotta put up with the rain." Do you know which "philosopher" said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she’s just a big pair of tits. – Ricky Gervais "The Office"

28 Sep

What is up kids?

So i gotta be honest everyone, your fearless leader and humble narrator has been in a fantastic mood these last few weeks.  For real, after being in a New York Mets like slump for the last month or so i have broke out my rut in a BIG way, and i don’t see any signs of it stopping anytime soon!

And i gots to say, it feels amazing to finally start feeling good again.  It’s almost like when you’re feeling totally sick, and your nose is runny and you can’t breathe and your head is so stuffed so you can’t think and your body aches and you’re not hungry and just the thought of food makes you nauseous and your stomach hurt.  And you feel like that for so long that you can’t remember what it feels like just to be “normal”…

And then one day you wake up and it’s just kind of over.  You can breathe clearly again, your head doesn’t feel like it weighs a million pounds, and all of a sudden you are just STARVING because all you had eaten was soup and Ginger Ale for the last week or so.  And for that one day you just feel absolutely INCREDIBLE, like nothing can stop you.  And you decide that you’re gonna stop taking your health for granted and you’re gonna start to do something with your life!  Maybe i’ll go for a run today!  Or maybe i’ll finally join that gym like i wanted to!  Maybe i’ll do all those things i kept saying i would do while i was sick now that i’m finally better!

But you never do.  After a day or two you just get used to feeling well again and then you go back into your regular habits of eating fast food garbage and lounging around on your couch all day watching T.V.  Life goes back to normal and you just get over that wonderful feeling you had of feeling better on that first day and you go back to your monotonous reality going through your daily cycles once again.  But don’t feel too bad about it though because we all do it and none of us are any better. 

But anyways, the point of all of this is to say that lately every day for me has felt like that first day when you finally feel like yourself again.  Even with my murderously horrific job and all the troubles in the world from war to poverty and even the players on my fantasy football team under performing, i just can’t seem to wipe this $hit eating grin off of my face these days. i haven’t been this happy without being on drugs in a LONG time, and i gotta say i can’t see this mood leaving me anytime soon.  And maybe when i was younger i would question it, and wonder how long it was gonna last or what would be the thing to ruin it and blah blah blah blah.  i’m too old and too tired to care about any of that crap now, and i’ve learned to not question it when something good comes my way.  Because i was DUE for a winning streak my friends.  i pay my dues at my awful job, i’m still a good person even though i occasionally steal things and have a tendency to dabble with illicit substances from time to time.  And sure i spend too much time on all fours in my shower throwing up into my drain on a Tuesday morning after a night of heavy boozing and eating greasy food.  i don’t try to deny any of that.

But i’m a gddamn good person who deserves some good in his life and it’s finally here.  And it’s about gddamn time!  Lord knows i waited long enough, just about my whole life or so.  But again, i’m not going to question it, i’m not going to take it for granted and i’m definitely not going to worry about how long this is going to last.  i’m just going to enjoy this trip as long as i can, and even though i don’t know where i’m going i’m excited to start this journey and can’t wait to see where it leads! 

“Man, happy miguel sucks my BALLEENS.  He was much funnier when he was a depressed lowlife who was deucing on the bowl and throwing up in his sink at the same.  And by much funnier i mean he’s never really been funny but i did enjoy reading about his awfulness because it made me feel better about myself!”

Sorry to dissapoint you jerkface but as Michael Scott used to say, oh how the turn tables.  Haha alright two Office quotes are good enough for one blog, don’tcha think?  On to the Nonsense!

RANDOM NONSENSE

-Does anyone else remember “making up” coupons when ordering Dominos Pizza back in the day?  Man we would do that $hit ALL THE TIME, and it was fun as hell too.  i know you can’t get away with that stuff these days, because everything is done over computers and they can check to see if your coupon is real in like two seconds.  But back in the day before the Interwebs, you could just call up Dominos and make up a coupon and for the most part they wouldn’t question it.  “Um yeah i have a coupon for 2 large pies with 2 toppings each, an order of wings, a 2 liter bottle of soda and an order of breadsticks for $10 bucks.”  And they’d just be like, “um, okay?  Make sure you give us that coupon when we get there!”  And then AMAZINGLY we wouldn’t be able to find that coupon once they arrived at our house and 9 times out of 10 they wouldn’t ask for it anyway.  So then everytime you’d order you’d try to push it just a LITTLE more, adding a few more toppings and items until you were basically ordering everything on the menu for 8 dollars. Does anyone else remember doing that or am i just an old out of touch ahole?  Actually don’t tell me, i’m pretty sure i know the answer already…

-So is there anything worse then walking into a public bathroom while you’re chewing gum?  i mean not like you do it on purpose, you obviously don’t think “hey i’m walking into a disgusting mall bathroom filled with unshowered $hitting aholes (literally) that i don’t know, i’d better pop in this piece of gum!”  Or maybe you are like that and you’re  weirdo who probably shouldn’t be reading my blog.  But i just mean you’re chewing gum walking around the mall, decide you gotta take a pee so you walk in the restroom and the next thing you know that sugary piece of rubber in your mouth starts to taste like every vile and disgusting smell going on in that room until you’ve basically got a mouthful of diarrhea.  It sounds pretty disgusting but i gotta believe i’m not the only who makes that mistake, and hopefully after reading this bit you know to spit that $hit out before discovering this fact for yourself! 

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – When i’m dating a girl, i find her so much hotter when her father hates me.  i mean first of all, i’m used to it.  Being a Mexican/Dominican guy who lives in Bergen County NJ i tend to date a lot of white girls.  And being that most white girls have white fathers, they usually don’t like me off the bat because they are ignorant racist aholes.  They hear the name “miguel” and immediately they hear mariachi’s and wonder if i’m hear illegally and/or work at Taco Bell.  They can’t grasp the fact that i love Pearl Jam and don’t speak Spanish and my favorite TV show ever was LOST, all they hear is a Hispanic name and see the brown skin and immediately they are filled with hatred for me.  But anyways, that hatred and ignorance towards me is a real turn on when i’m banging your daughter so please keep it up.  i mean don’t get me wrong, i would find the sex hot either way.  But the fact that i know she is shaming her parents, and knowing how furious her dad would be to know my big brown penis is in her holiest of holys just makes everything that much better.

The Money $hout-out of the Week- Speaking of the New York Mets, i haven’t given a “shout out” in a while but this man has earned it.  So congrats to R.A. Dickey who became the first 20 game winner for the Mets since Frank Viola did it in 1990.  Which is coincidentally the year my next girlfriend was born in.  But in a typical Mets season filled with misery and awfulness, R.A. Dickey was one of two bright spots along with Johan Santana pitching the first No-Hitter ever for the Mets.  Yankee fans don’t get impressed by this because they have 20 game winners and pitch No-Hitters every other weekend it seems like.  But for the hapless Mets these were both HUGE milestones and the only rays of light in otherwise dark and dreary baseball season which has become far to common these days for Mets fans.  But despite this year’s horrifc disaster i can thank R.A. for giving us SOMETHING to root for in September baseball which is something no other Met has been able to do for us.  Except for maybe Jose Reyes’ ghetto batting title last year where he didn’t even play in his last home game.  But congrats buddy, and to celebrate you should enjoy a fine beer brewed by my friends over at Brewery Comic , i think it’ll be right up you’re alley!

And oh yeah, on a side note make sure you’re not on your work computer when you are looking up pictures to post for a guy named “Dickey”.  For some reason i didn’t see anything for the Mets until i hit page 8 or so…

Fast food tips – So if you love fast food but you also want to eat healthy, well then you are a hypocritical moron who needs to start making better decisions in your life.  However, if you are that kind of ahole then you’re in luck!  Burger King has also just released their new line of Salad wraps, for people who want the joy of eating healthy but also want the pleasure of taking a nice long fast food deuce.  Oooh wait, that’s a good one…

A Great Name for a Punk Band!  FAST FOOD DEUCE

Anyways, BK’s new wraps include the Chicken BLT salad wrap, the Chicken Caesar salad wrap, and last and probably least the Chicken, Apple and Cranberry salad wrap which BK says perfectly blends 7 premium lettuces, crisp apples, sweet dried cranberries, crumbly blue cheese and Kens apple cider vinaigrette topped with your choice of Crispy or Grilled Chicken.  Which i must admit if that was from a regular restaurant would actually sound pretty good.  But since it’s from BK i’m assuming it’s fair to poor, more towards poor.  OOOOOHHHHHH that’s another good one!

A Great Name for a Punk Band! MORE TOWARDS POOR



And that’s it for me today my friends.  i hope everyone has as good of a weekend as i’m about to have, and i will see all you fools next Tuesday with a whole new batch of ha ha’s! 

Cya Tuesday! – miguel jo$é

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2 Responses to “"If you want the rainbow, you’ve gotta put up with the rain." Do you know which "philosopher" said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she’s just a big pair of tits. – Ricky Gervais "The Office"”

  1. Jim September 28, 2012 at 5:11 pm #

    Jeez… I haven't thought about fake Dominos coupons in FOREVER! Thanks for a trip down poor memory lane…

    Like

  2. Miguel José September 28, 2012 at 6:13 pm #

    haha nice i was hoping someone would remember that. It's so crazy we could get away with that scam but it worked everytime till one ahole pushed it TOO far…

    Like

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