After further review, the player did not touch first base. Repeat 5th down!" -NFL Replacement Refs

25 Sep

What is up kids?

What a wacky night of football huh?  i’m assuming by now you’ve heard all about the awful call to end the Packers/Seahawks game last night.  i mean unless of course you haven’t watched any television or sports or news show or listened to the radio or spoke to anyone else on the planet.  But to those of you who may not understand what’s going on it’d probably be a good idea for me to explain the situation right now so you understand what i’m about to talk about, right?  But what am i, TMZ?? Go get your news elsewhere ya jerks and go get caught up and then come read this cause i ain’t explaining $hit! 

But yeah everyone thinks that this is the WORST call ever, so i am guessing i am in the minority who thinks that this call could have gone either way.  “Are you f’n kidding me you not funny talentless blog writing hack?  Because if you truly believe that you are definitely in the Minority as far as dirty illegal $pics who shouldn’t even be in this country and i wish you drowned on whatever makeshift boat you came to this country on!!! Oh wait, i apologize, that would put you in the Majority because that’s what should happen to ALL of you filthy disgusting Hispanics!!!”  Wow, maybe i shouldn’t let Packer fans interrupt my rant today because that was a tad harsh.  Although i guess if my team was 1-2 this year and was still hurting after losing to the SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS THE NEW YORK GIANTS at home in the playoffs last year then maybe i’d be a little bitter this morning too…

But it’s AMAZING to me to see everyone’s absolute outrage.  For real, people are flipping the f*ck out bad over this blown call.  And it’s a little ridiculous that something like replacement refs in a football game is what FINALLY gets this country united in anger when there are things like Marijuana being illegal in this country or the “Citizens United” amendment which gives Corporations the ability to donate any amount of anonymous funds to whatever political party they want.  Or even the travesty of shows that people watch like “Glee” and “The Real Housewives of whatever stupid state of awful bitches” you ladies watch all the time.  All of that stuff goes on everyday and you never hear a peep from anyone, but you make ONE bad call against the Green Bay Packers and now everyone is completely outraged!

And it’s kind of sad that that’s what it takes to wake people up, but at least we know there is SOMETHING that gets people to notice what’s going on.  i mean yeah it’d be better if people cared more about this country or our Democracy or lack thereof, but it makes me happy to know that it is at least possible to get this country to start speaking out on something, even if it is something as stupid as replacement refs.  Hopefully they can take this energy and maybe put it towards something a little more positive, but i guess the fact that it’s at least there is a step in the right direction.

What the F am i even talking about? i’m talking about the fact that i need more readers for this blog!!!  i’m getting ready for a HUGE push to try and get this thing more readers but if anyone wants to help me out please feel free to do so!  Post this on your Facebook page, follow me on Twitter @migueljose_85, tell your friends, tell your family, tell your Priest!  Alright don’t tell him, but tell your Rabbi at your Yom Kippur dinner tomorrow night!  Or are you not allowed to talk on Jewish holidays once the sun goes down?  i never get any of the rules…

But for real, thanks to you that stay faithful to this blog i really appreciate it.  i’m at about blog 160 or so right now which is an incredible number in itself.  But it’s about time i stop with the nonsense and get some serious readers added to my numbers.  So let’s start with the nonsense and get some serious readers!


-Someone needs to invent a “healthy” hangover food already.  For real, i’m trying to stay on a diet but after a night of heavy boozing from that power hour with Natty lights and that best of 7 pong series we played and then the late night Bubble gum Vodka shots i’m always a throwing up deucing DISASTER in the morning.  So my head is spinning, my mind and body are completely shot and i have a fantastic puke aftertaste in my mouth.  And now you want me to eat a salad?  Or some wheat thins and hummus?  Or maybe Sushi?  Get the f*ck out of here, i want a taylor ham AND bacon egg and cheese on an everything bagel with salt pepper and mayo.  Oh that’s right, i put mayo on my egg sandwiches when i’m hungover.  Plus at some point i decided that i’m done trying to make the decision between taylor ham or bacon, just give me both motherf*cker!  But yeah anyways those are the only foods that help me in the morning and the only thing worse then having an end of the world hangover is getting fatter and having an end of the world hangover.  So someone either invent a new food or tell me one that i haven’t thought of because the longer i keep gaining weight after drinking i’m just going to keep blaming the readers of this blog!!!!

-Being a teacher is basically like being on Probation.  You can’t do ANYTHING or you will get fired from your job!  Like me for example, i can leave a bar completely $hitfaced and totally bombed and high on drugs and get pulled over and get arrested and it would totally suck but whatever eventually i’d get over it.  If a teacher gets caught though they have to inform their Superintendent and/or Principal and it leads to the direct termination of their job!  So while the rest of us have to get caught doing something illegal before we get put on probation, all of these teachers are on in as soon as they accept the position!  Which is total bull$hit because who deserves to get drunk and/or high more then teachers?  Are you kidding me?  They are responsible for raising all of your f*cking dumb ass ugly children who do nothing but cause trouble and never listen or do homework, but just because they are “mommy’s little angel” their parents will always defend their rotten kids to the end and the teacher is the one who’s at fault for everything.  So you’re telling me THOSE people can’t get caught drinking or smoking a big fat blunt? Doesn’t seem right to me, the main reason i didn’t become a teacher is because i know i’d go so f’n nuts i’d end up starting a Meth lab quicker then Walter White.

Oh, and speaking of “Breaking Bad”, of COURSE once i start watching that show they don’t win any of the awards that they have been winning the entire time i didn’t watch the show.  Forget the Packers game, Bryan Cranston and Breaking Bad not winning the Emmy for Best Actor and Best Drama were the biggest blown calls of the weekend!  But congrats to Aaron Paul for winning best supporting actor and for having the hottest gddamn fiance i have ever seen.  Magnets bitch!

Guy who f*cked me in fantasy football this week… Phillip Rivers is a big steaming pile of mediocre horse$hit.  Thanks for nothing you no playoff game winning bag of douche, you made me lose to the Italian Stallion Speegs in our first battle of the year!  i mean true, i will beat him the next time we play.  And as far as our overall battle i’m the only one who has won this league out of the two of us and i beat him on the way to my championship.  But please, 1-2 in a league i normally dominate?  i feel just like the Packers except i’m not going to be a whiny bitch about the refs when it’s really my own inept play that has cost me two loses.  Well me and Phillip Rivers.

TWITTER BIT! – The quote i used today to start off my blog was actually from a tweet by “Offensive Wonka” who is easily one of the funniest people to follow on Twitter.  They’re at @OhWonka and all they tweet are offensive and racist humor, or basically nonstop humor.  So go check them out if you Tweet, and while you’re at it go follow me @migueljose_85 because i’m actually pretty funny on there and writing a blog twice a week and posting on Facebook STILL doesn’t give me all of the attention i need!

And yes i need a name for this new bit i’m going to do about Twitter.  If anyone has any good ideas let me know so i can steal it and not give you credit!

ONE HITTERS: i know i’m talking too much about that Packer game last night but i haven’t seen a call blown that bad since Jerry Sandusky coached that 8th grade Pee Wee football game and by “call” i mean “boy”.

“Whoo hoo Jerry Sandusky jokes!  You’re so EDGY miguel, that only happened a year ago and every good comedian has done every possibly raw and disgusting joke on the subject already.  Including Jeff Ross who showed up at the Roseanne Barr roast wearing a Penn State jacket and hat and came out of a limo with two young boys wearing only towels.  But no, you dropping a Sandusky joke now is so current and “shocking”, you are just SO original and funny miguel which is why so many people have stopped reading your blog lately!”

Well i wouldn’t say SO many people but my readership has dropped a tad these last few blogs.  Maybe it’s because i’m in a good mood latley?  i noticed that when i write about my heartbreak and misery and love letters to my ex-girlfriend who broke my heart and how i get yelled at by people who get offended by me on the Interwebs or how i woke up this morning and threw up on all fours even though i wasn’t even drinking last night then everyone wants a Piece of me like Britney in “Blackout”.  But whatever i’m in the money mood lately so deal with it suckas!

Fast food tips – Burger King has just announced a ton of new food items including it’s “New Premium Chicken” menu which is apparently the largest chicken roll out in the company’s history.  They’ve got the Chicken Parmesan sandwich which has tangy marinara, melted mozzarella and Parmesan cheese.  Plus they have popcorn chicken bites with 8 dipping sauce options, and an Italian Basil chicken sandwich and wrap which sounds money.  And last and not least, they have an Italian Breakfast burrito which is apparently just a short guy in a mustache and guinea t-shirt holding a pizza and playing Mario brothers.  Actually no, it’s a combination of eggs, savory sausage (which was my nickname in college), melted Mozzarella cheese, hashbrowns, diced white onions and peppers topped with marinara sauce wrapped in a wheat tortilla.  Just thinking about that burrito makes my penis go “Hey, that’s ah spicy meatball!”  But yeah i haven’t tried any of this nonsense yet but it sounds amazing so all of you probably should.

That’s it for this Tuesday kids.  i barely proofread this piece once again so hopefully some of it makes sense.  But have a great week and i will see you on Friday!!! – miguel jo$é

One Response to “After further review, the player did not touch first base. Repeat 5th down!" -NFL Replacement Refs”

  1. ChrystieH September 26, 2012 at 1:42 am #

    thanks for sticking up for the teachers, we need it! But seriously, lay off the housewives. I'm not sure if you've seen the one from miami's mother elsa, but she is worth watching the soup for because her face is pretty unbelievable, as well as her brand of crazy. In closing, tangy marinara sauce never works out in fast food favor, too much damn oregano.


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