Things were different then, all is different now. i tried to explain, somehow… – Pearl Jam "Hard to Imagine"

11 Sep

What is up kids?

It’s a beautiful day to be alive my friends, and i’m not just saying that because the weather outside is PERFECT. “OMG miguel are you kidding?!? It’s FREEZING OUT!!!”  Really girl who’s always cold?  You think 75 degrees with a cool breeze is freezing? Man it’s a good thing you ladies are so smoking hot, if it was my guy friends complaining about how cold they are with the heat and humidity FINALLY f’n relaxing for a hot one i’d give them a swift kick to the balleens.  But since you ladies are so beautiful and all i can think about lately is putting my p in your v then i guess i’ll let you get away with these ridiculous comments.  Although to be fair, you do all weigh about 100 pounds less then me so i guess it’s possible you could be a little chilly when it’s a tit nipple out.

But not me, i am straight up loving this weather.  Between it finally cooling down and starting to feel like Fall and with football back on every Sunday i feel like i’m finally getting out of this rut that i’ve been in for God knows how long.  i haven’t talked about it much on this blog because to be honest even hearing myself talk about it bores me to tears. “Hey that’s how i feel everytime when i read your blog!”  Shut it jerk.  But yeah i guess i can admit now that i’ve kinda been out of it the last few weeks or so.  And for whatever reason i couldn’t pinpoint why this was, and i still don’t think i’ve been able to figure it out completely yet.

Am i depressed about being lonely?  i mean i have been single for quite some time, and i gotta say that i’ve always considered myself a “girlfriend” kind of guy.  Not because i need to be with someone all the time, and CERTAINLY not because i want to do boyfriend type things with my girl.  Because once my girl says something ridiculously stupid like “Hey do you want to go apple picking on Sunday instead of watching football honey?” And i go “No but i think you should kill yourself for even asking that question!” Or when she goes “Hey will you come with me to the mall to buy shoes?”  And i go “Sure, but is it cool if we go to the movies and watch a romantic comedy afterwards?  Because i just want to make sure i have the all-time worst day of my life before i climb to the top of a tall building and do a Michael Phelps swan dive face first into the concrete.” 

“Michael Phelps was a swimmer not a diver you idiot!”  Way to get the point of my joke you nitpicking ahole.  Man i hate you today.

So yeah i don’t like that aspect of having a girlfriend.  But i must say i do dig the idea of having a partner in crime. And i actually even enjoy being monogamous which many people find surprising.  And no i don’t mean that if i had the choice to only bang one broad the rest of my life that is what i would choose.  Obviously i think this world would be a better place if more women had a taste of my queso from this Sexy Mexy.  But i do enjoy the comfort of being able to trust someone, and to know that we are both only sleeping with each other and that we are fine with that.  i haven’t been in many relationships lately but i will say the ones i am in do have a lot of trust.  None of that checking my cell phone nonsense or trying to figure out my email passwords (it’s kupton69), i can’t handle that kind of crap anymore.  i mean why be with someone if you can’t trust them? That never made any sense to me.  i mean honestly, all i really want from my girlfriend is someone who will be my best friend, someone to watch movies and T.V. shows with and someone who makes my stomach feel funny every time she’s in the room.  And oh yeah someone who likes to bang morning noon and night because i’m pretty much in the mood all the time and if you’re my girlfriend i will stay faithful to you but the way i do that is by banging you till your legs and back hurt and then banging you some more.  Oh and i like it when you get dressed up.  Not like in a dress for a wedding or anything, i mean like school girl, nurse, french maid, cop, teacher, INS agent, etc.  You get the deal.

But anyways i finally realized being single is not what had me in such a blah mood lately. Because whatever, being single is the MONEY.  Doing whatever i want all the time and never getting in trouble?  Yes please!  And besides, when it happens it happens and i’m sure i’ll find someone money again eventually.  But even if i haven’t figured out what had me down for so long i can say i am feeling much more like myself again.  And like i said, maybe it’s this absolutely gorgeous weather!  Or maybe it’s the fact that i went 3-0 IN MY FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUES MOTHERF*CKERS!!!!  So yeah it could be that.

Or maybe it’s because today is 9/11 and i remember how awful that day was, and i still remember it like it was yesterday.  That day changed most people’s lives and i can say that i’m no different.  i don’t think i’ve ever looked at life the same way after that, in probably every aspect possible.  And one of those ways i’ve changed is that i try to be appreciative of what i have, and i try to enjoy every last second of my life because we never know when it is going to be taken from us.  So i hope everyone says a prayer to all that were affected that day, and i hope you take a second to remember just how good we have it.  Even when life sucks balls and you can’t count on anyone, and it feels like those closest to you are trying to hurt you the most.  Just remember that things will get better and that no matter what at least you are still here.  So no matter what is going on in your life right now, no matter how crazy it is, i just hope you know that it’s a beautiful day to be alive my friends.

RANDOM NONSENSE

-i want to date a girl who doesn’t say “God bless you” when i sneeze.  Not because i want to date some rude bitch, although if she’s 24 or under she can treat me however she wants i don’t give an F.  As long as she’s young and tight she can be as rude as she wants!  But yeah i just think sneezing is the most ANNOYING f’n thing ever, and i have the worst sneeze that kind of sounds like a cough and when i do sneeze i sneeze like 50 times in a row and i hate when people are watching me sneeze because the first thing they do is ask “is that a sneeze or a cough?” which is really the dumbest question ever and then when i’m sneezing 50 times in a row they have to go “God bless you. God bless you. God Bless you.  GOD BLESS YOU!”  Yeah, i got it buddy.  One would be fine. In fact, i’d rather you just didn’t say anything.  Just pretend i didn’t go into that obnoxious sneezing fit right there and carry on with your day please.  So yeah girl out there who wants to win my heart, just know that when i’m sneezing please just shut the f*ck up!  i’m already blessed, you don’t have to tell me.  Blessed with a gddamn annoying sneeze!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- Do people pay full price for clothes when they go shopping?  Or full price for anything actually? i literally walk into a store and head right for the clearance section because if it’s not 65% off i ain’t buying it.  What am i going to do, pay full price for some bull$hit when i can just wait till i find things on sale?  And for real, if you’ve ever gone to Bed Bath and Beyond and bought stuff without using the 20% off coupon you are a money wasting moron.  “But my coupon is expired!”  Well if you were smarter you’d know that Bed Bath and Beyond accepts even expired coupons because they know they are way too expensive and everything should be 20% cheaper all the time.  But yeah i literally only buy clothes on sale and food on sale.  If i’m not going to find deals at the supermarket i might as well be one of those aholes with a cart at CVS paying ridiculously higher prices!  But no, i’m not one of those idiots.  i’m the guy who gets his dress shoes at Kohl’s because with the right sales and coupons you can get the money dress shoes for $6.78.  And no i’m not kidding.  And oh yeah i’m Jewish.

Miguel’s Money Movie Review:

AND
ONE HITTERS: How is “Inglorious Basterds” not the favorite movie of every Jewish person ever?

“Facebook etiquette”- Facebook invites should only have two options of replying, “Yes” or “Maybe”.  Mostly because anyone who puts “maybe” never ends up going anyway….

Guy who f*cked me in fantasy football this week… is NO ONE!   3-0 FOR THE WEEK IN FANTASY KIDS!  MAN i’m the f’n money….

Fast food tips – McDonalds’ has a deal right now for 2 Sausage Egg McMuffin’s for 3 dollars.  Normally those $hits are like $2.39 so that’s a pretty money deal.  Even though they are not that great to be honest, i’d take a crossianwich from BK over that garbage any day of the week.  But it’s 2 for 3 beans, and if you’re hungover and starving and broke you can’t do much better then this!

And that’s it for me today kids.  9/11 will always be a tough day for me and most people but hopefully you were able to find at least a few laughs in there today.  But enjoy your week everyone, we’re lucky enough to still be here so we got that going for us at least.  And i’ll have a new blog for you this Friday so at least i’m giving you something to live for!!! -miguel jo$é
Oh wait, one more thing.  And it feels REAL good to finally be able to say this on the anniversary of 9/11…

LATER DICK!

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