Oh Back to school, back to school. To prove to dad that i’m not a fool. i got my lunch packed up, my shoes tied tight. i hope i don’t get in a fight. Oh back to school… – Adam Sandler "Billy Madison"

7 Sep

What is up kids?

It is too gddamn HOT for a penguin to just be walking around!  For real, i know it’s September and i know the summer is over and all but can it please cool off for just a hot second please??!?!  Honestly, the constant heat sucks but i can handle it.  This nonstop humidity however is f*cking RELENTLESS!  i already sweat enough by being a slightly overweight sexy basterd.  i don’t need to sweat just by being outside!

But once again we made it to Friday, Friday, getting down on Friday.  Is everybody looking forward to the weekend?  i know the teachers are, you made it through the first week!  Only a few short months and then it’ll be X-mas break and then a few more months and it’ll be summertime!  This entire year will fly by before you know it…

Alright probably not.  But either way everyone’s back to school and ready to start the new year.  When i think about it now i feel like the first day back at school when you’re in middle school and/or high school ends up being more or less the same thing.  And since i did such a fantastic job explaining that on my last blog i guess there’s no need to do it again here.  But today i’d like to talk about the first day of college, because THAT is a completely different experience that i can easily stretch out into another rant because i got nothing else on my dome today!

The first day of college for me was a pretty memorable one.  Actually, it has to be memorable because it is one of the few memories i still have floating around my noggin besides both Giants Superbowl victories and that time i got a hand job from that girl Marian and i finished all over my roommate’s t-shirt and never told him.  True story.  But i remember my parents driving me up to Pine hall which was the Freshman dorm at Ramapo college back in 1974.  Alright fine it wasn’t that long ago but it’s been awhile.  Anyways, i was in suite 530 i believe and i remember that because i was on the top floor with the last room room down the hallway. Which is what i’m pretty sure they do to all minorities at every school, because i know all my white friends were lamping on the second floor while me and all the aholes i lived with couldn’t live farther away from the entrance unless they put us on the roof of the building.

But after the debacle of having my parents help me bring in all my stuff and the stereotypical “goodbye” to them as i was now ready to become a man, i remember the next thing i did was talk to my new roommate and finding out he had a bottle of Vodka which lead to us making drinks, getting all fired up and deciding to walk around the entire dorm meeting new people and talking to girls and stuff.  So yeah, i can say my first day of college was the MONEY, and it started me off on a path that would have me kicked out of that school only a year and a half later.   When i look back on it now joining a fraternity my first semester probably wasn’t the best idea, because i obviously couldn’t handle partying and taking classes at the same time let alone partying, taking classes AND pledging.  But like most things in my life i don’t regret that i did it.  i made some money friends, and i def drank and partied my face off for a year and a half straight that’s for sure.  And by a year and a half straight i mean i am still living that lifestyle to this day.  But it’s not my fault, i wasn’t ready for college!  Think of how i act now.  It was literally just this past weekend that i was on the bowl deucing and throwing up into my sink at the same time in a blacked out haze!  Do you think when i first got out of high school i was any better?  None chance.

But yeah nothing beats the first day of school at college.  i obviously must have loved going to college because it only took me 8 years or so to graduate.  In my defense, i took off about 3 of those years to work but still.  That is a LONG gddamn time to go to college and not come out with a doctorate. And a lot of people are surprised when i say i joined a Fraternity, mostly because i have a ton of friends in real life so why did i have to go “buy” friends in college?  And that’s a really fantastic question, why did i do that?  To be honest i’m still not really sure why i did it, and when i tell you what i did during pledging you will REALLY wonder what the F i was thinking in order to pledge a Fraternity!  But i will save my pledging story for Tuesday’s blog, because this rant is over and it’s time to get through this second half of my Friday!!

RANDOM NONSENSE

-Does anyone remember the magazine “Highlights” from when they were a kid?  “No miguel, i have no idea what you’re talking about!”  i know you don’t know what that is my beautiful baby girl who is too young to get this reference, i’m talking to the older broads who remember this kind of stuff.  But yeah “Highlights” is the money childrens’ magazine that you can probably still find in every doctor and/or dentist office around.  They had a ton of fantastic articles such as “Hidden Pictures”, “The Timbertoes” and especially “Goofus and Gallant!”  i used to love Goofus and Gallant, mostly because i loved what an ahole Goofus was.  i always kinda of felt bad for him in a way.  i mean yeah he was a bad kid who made poor decisions, but i was also a bad kid who made poor decisions and now i’m an adult who does the same thing!  And what was the reasoning behind Goofus being such a shady dirtbag?  They never really explained it, you were just supposed to accept that he was a bad kid.  Personally i always thought he was a middle child the same as me, and all his bad behavior was just a cry out for attention which is what i still blame all my bad behavior for. i remember back in the day when me and my boy Harrison actually mailed in some drawings we did and some letters we wrote about God knows what, but to this day i can’t remember if they ever posted what we sent them.  But he’ll remember because he remembers EVERYTHING so Harrison if we ever got anything printed in that awesome magazine let me know because i’m dying of curiosity!

ONE HITTERS: Hopefully none of you actually watched them but the VMA’s on MTV this year were the biggest steaming pile of mediocre untalented excrement that i have ever seen in my life, and that’s counting the time when i looked in my toilet after a late night Natty light/White castle binge.

-So this Sunday marks the “real” return of football (we don’t need to talk about Wednesday’s game…) but more importantly, Sunday marks the return of THE GREATEST CHANNEL EVER IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION!  That’s right kids, NFL Redzone returns this Sunday!  “But miguel, what is the Redzone channel?”  Good question hot girl who is too busy being beautiful and keeping it tight to watch football all day.  The Redzone channel is a channel that shows every scoring play for every NFL game, which basically means it is heroin for Fantasy football fans.  Although to be honest, the Redzone channel might be a little more addictive then heroin, because this channel has it ALL.  Anytime any team gets inside the 20-yard line or the “Redzone” as it’s called (see where this channel gets it’s name!!) this network automatically switches to that game so the viewer can watch any scoring chances live while it’s happening.  And if there are 2 or more games going on in the Redzone at the same time, sometimes they will show a split screen and show all the games at once or they will show the most important game and then show the other highlights immediately after they occur.  So when you’re sitting home watching T.V. for Fantasy football stats there is no other channel that you need other then the Redzone channel.  And the funny thing is i haven’t even mentoined the best part of it yet… THERE ARE NO COMMERCIALS EVER!!  If the game they are showing goes to a commercial they immediately switch to another game so you never have to watch any at all.  And if it’s halftime for all the games, or if by some chance all the games are on a commercial at the same time, then they will show the Redzone host who will give highlights of the other games and go over news and notes in the league until a game starts up again.  But they will NEVER show commercials!   So hooray for football being back but an extra double hooray hooray for the NFL Redzone channel which is probably in my top 5 all time best things ever in life after blow jobs, rocky road ice cream, family, and God.  Probably not in that order though.

Miguel’s Money Movie Review: So did all of you hear how they are redoing a bunch of DC comics and in the new version they are making the Green Lantern a Muslim?  Holy S i don’t read comics anymore but that is crazy news!  Or not really, because who cares if he’s Muslim?  i sure don’t, as long as he fights crime i don’t care what he is.  If i needed help and the only person who can help me is a Muslim then for the love of Pete please help me now!!  Or should it be the love of Allah?  i don’t know, and i don’t care.  Good for DC though, it’s about time they started making more realistic Comic book heroes.  Next thing you know they’ll make a gay Green Lantern.  “They already did that miguel!”  Thanks dork who reads my comic, but i think i knew they had a gay Green Lantern once they cast Ryan Reynolds in that movie.  WHOOPS!  So yeah a Muslim and Gay Green Lantern don’t impress me at all.  Maybe i, miguel jose should be the next Green Lantern?  A sexy yet slightly overweight Mexican Dominican Green Lantern with the power to make girls under 24 fall in love with my magic ring.  Hey don’t laugh, it could happen…

Fast food tips – KFC Chicken littles are back!! “But miguel, what’s the Chicken Little?”  Well i’ll tell you beautiful baby girl who wasn’t even born yet when this sandwich first came out, a fact that is so hot i can butter my own KFC biscuit.  The Chicken Little is a sandwich consisting of sweet bread, chicken, mayo and a pickle for like $1.29.  My advice to you would be to order around 5 or 6 of these bad boys and enjoy these little orgasmic delights until your taste buds cover your mouth in pop.

ANND that’s it for me today kids.  i hope everyone has a fantastic weekend and i hope you are all ready for this Tuesday’s blog about pledging a fraternity because it is going to be RAW.  Just throwing that out there…

And also a very special thanks to Jim Kohl who made me my very own drawing of the Mexican/Dominican Green Lantern.  Wasn’t that picture f’n amazing??  That kid may be a mean heartless jerk who likes poor horror movies but he is a talented artist that’s for sure.  And have you all gone to his websites to check out his comic?  You should, this kid is a fantastic artist and he’s funny to boot so go check out Happy Hour Comic and The Brewery to get some even more great drawings and laughs! 

See you kids on Tuesday!  – miguel jo$é

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9 Responses to “Oh Back to school, back to school. To prove to dad that i’m not a fool. i got my lunch packed up, my shoes tied tight. i hope i don’t get in a fight. Oh back to school… – Adam Sandler "Billy Madison"”

  1. Jim September 7, 2012 at 3:31 pm #

    I forgot to draw a sombrero on you… shit.

    Like

  2. Anonymous September 7, 2012 at 4:43 pm #

    The old school chicken littles were the $. The new ones look different. I hope they didn't f em up. And my church also told me that I should go to chik fil-a anyways so I prob won't try em.
    JJ

    Like

  3. Anonymous September 7, 2012 at 5:23 pm #

    I used to love Highlights!!! but I hated the ahole at the doctor's office who always circled the Hidden Pictures. Thanks for ruining it for the rest of us who have to sit in this damn waiting room with nothing to keep us entertained. Yes we all knew that the tennis racket was hidden in the tree stump but was it necessary for you to cirlce it.

    Anyway loved the blog today! Thanks for brightening up my Friday!

    Stef =)

    Like

  4. Miguel José September 7, 2012 at 6:05 pm #

    First of all watch your language.

    Secondly i didn't realize that either but you're right, you definitely blew it. No one go to those websites i promoted! This guy's not as talented as i let on!

    Like

  5. Miguel José September 7, 2012 at 6:06 pm #

    i'm pretty sure they messed them up but i didn't want to put that in my review. but yeah i'm guessing there's no way they did the same money thing, they probably def blew it. But they're probably still kinda money

    Like

  6. Miguel José September 7, 2012 at 6:07 pm #

    haha you always think of an angle that i never think of 🙂 Yes the people who filled out the hidden pictures were the WORST. i'm already waiting an hour and a half for a cleaning and most likely filling for my cavities and now i can't even fill out this highlights magazine because some bag of douche got there first? Everyone sucks.

    Except you 🙂

    Like

  7. shannon September 8, 2012 at 2:06 am #

    Ramapo kept placing me in suites with all Hispanics and since my Spanish is for shit the conversations really sucked. Why so racist, Ramapo? Why?

    Like

  8. She So Funny September 8, 2012 at 12:34 pm #

    You had me at Goofus and Gallant! I can't wait for Christmas break!

    Like

  9. Miguel José September 11, 2012 at 6:22 pm #

    the sad part is if they put me in a suite with all Hispanics my conversations would have been just as bad if not worse. oh well…

    Like

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