Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about. – Rodney Dangerfield

4 Sep

What is up kids??

So Labor day is over which can only mean one thing… it’s back to work and back to school motherf*ckers! That’s right you LAZY teachers, your 4 month summer vacation is OVER.  Now you just have to go back to only working 8 am to 2 pm (or only 6 hours a day), not counting the nonstop break periods you get and weekends and nights off.  Plus you get every possible holiday off, including Valentine’s day and even Arbor day!  For real, i weep for the children of this country.  America’s youth are being lead by a bunch of liberal teachers who do nothing but push their Socialist agenda and ask for nonstop extra money that they don’t deserve through their teacher’s unions.  Get a real job like the rest of us you Obama loving basterds!

i’d like to take a second here and just say goodbye to all of my readers that are teachers that will NEVER read this blog again haha.  Although if they have been reading my blog they should know that i LOVE teachers and do nothing but praise them!  i won’t go into that again today because i’ve already written at least two blogs about my love of teachers and how they have the hardest job ever in which they basically teach and raise all of the children in this country.  So we don’t need to get into that today i guess. 

Instead, i’d rather talk about that feeling of having to go back to school, because most of us all remember that feeling.  i know some of you think it was the WORST, but i have to admit i actually enjoyed the first day of school.  The excitement of starting a new grade and having new teachers.  Picking out your outfit from the new clothes your mommy got you at those “Back to School” sales at Kohls.  Hoping you get a seat by that hot girl in your math class so you’ll have SOMETHING to look at all year long.  Praying you get that hot English teacher who you are pretty sure is only 3 years older then you and you definitely plan on asking to the Senior prom this year!  So as much as kids love the summer and as much as they HATE school about 3 days into starting the new year, the first day of school is usually pretty money.  Because as a kid what else are you going to do all year?  School is the only place you can go to where you can hang out with all of your friends and be surrounded by girls your own age.  Where else are you gonna go to meet girls, the stupid mall?  All of us remember that awkward age of our parents dropping you and two of your friends off at Garden state plaza with no money, with your only plan being to hit on girls which seemed to NEVER happen.  Mostly because none of you ever had the balls to walk up to and talk to any random girls.  The only time you could do that was at school, and that’s because we are basically FORCED to interact with girls!  So as much as the end of summer sucks my balleens, the only way to really get my balleens sucked is to talk to the ladies and school is what made that possible.

Looking back, i remember my Sophomore year of high school and that amazing feeling of finally having Freshmen girls to hit on.  And i also remember my Junior year, when there was a new crop of Freshmen girls strolling through those doors all wide eyed and innocent.  And i remember in my first year of college. going back to my high school to see what new Freshmen girls were arriving there now.  In fact, it feels like only yesterday i was cruising around the local high schools, sitting in the back watching cheerleading practice, playing “Call Me Maybe” on the radio and talking to my friends about the Giants opening game against the Cowboys tomorrow.  MAN those memories are vivid! 

But the point of this entire rant is that i enjoyed going back to school in the fall.  i guess i’m not supposed to play this angle on my blog because i should be like “school sucked man! Going back was the worst!”  But those are lies and i don’t feel that way.  i’m a social person, and i need a LOT of attention.  Actually, i DEMAND a ton of attention.  And you just don’t get the kind of attention i need at home by myself all summer.  i need a bunch of friends around me to make laugh, i need teachers to be upset at me for interrupting their class, i need Principals to be mad at me for throwing pennies at my friends during “Penny Fiasco”, and i need to be legally surrounded by girls that are High school Freshmen at all times.  So yeah you can complain to your buddies all you want my little tweenyboppers, you all know that deep inside you’re glad to be back.  And yeah when you fail that first test of the year, or get your first Saturday school for cutting class you’ll totally hate school again and start dreaming about next summer even though it’s only September 5th.  But never forget, that even if you hate the summer ending and school starting that this time of year also means that football is back and there is nothing, NOTHING that is better then that!  Except for High school Freshmen girls of course…


-Does anyone ever “pay” for APPS on their phone?  Or have you ever and/or would you ever “PAY” for a gddamn App on your phone?  Because i haven’t, and i will never spend one gddamn cent on a gddamn app for my phone.  i don’t care WHAT it is, once i see a price for the app i either look for the free version of it or i move on to the next App.  Because honestly, i f’n HATE all the commercials and ads you get on the non free apps.  But not enough to spend $0.99 to stop them!  Nope, no f*cking way.  Keep the ads and commercials coming because i’m not buying $hit.  For real, it doesn’t matter WHAT the App is.  It could be an App that extends your life by 10 years.  TEN YEARS!!  And i’d be like “$0.99 to extend my life by 10 years?  Let me know when there’s a free one that’ll extend it for two and i’m in!”  Maybe this is because i’m a smart shopper.  Or maybe it’s because i’m part Jewish, my full name is really “miguel jose bagelstein”.  See, it’s the first day back to school and you’re learning things!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- i talk to myself.  a LOT.  Not like crazy person a lot but borderline, and i can definitely see it getting worse as i get older.  “You’re already old!”  Shut up person blowing up my spot with the baby girls, although i guess admitting i’m a nutjob isn’t helping anything.  i talk to myself at home, in the car, in public… wow i guess i do it all the time.  i think i get that from my dad, he does it a decent amount.  But i realized yesterday i’m okay with it.  Why wouldn’t i be? i talk to plenty of aholes and dumbasses that aren’t nearly as smart or as funny as i am, when i talk to myself i’m at least talking to someone who will get my jokes.  And i figure if i’m going to grow increasingly insane i might as well embrace it.  You should embrace my insanity too unless you want me to murder you in your sleep.  HAHAHAHA I’M JUST KIDDING!  haha…

“OLD SCHOOL” Tips for “OLD SCHOOL” Video Games: i don’t really have any tips for this game other then to say it helps if you are EXTREMELY racist…

Thanks to Jay John for that picture because all that kid does is post ruthless pics on Facebook all day like a lunatic.

But alright fine, some of you may have noticed i haven’t done this video game tip bit in a while.  So it’d probably be cool if i had an actual tip for this bit.  So here ya go, the new Super Mario Brothers game is coming out soon!

The tip here is to stop playing video games and start hitting on hot broads who will hopefully play with your own joystick you no life having nerds!

Fast food tips – So Sonic understands how awful it is to go back to school which is why they are trying to soften the blow by offering 1/2 price breakfast burritos all day today!  That’s right, all that cheesy bacony cheesteakeyey tater tot goodness for 1/2 price!  And to answer your question yes i am going to buy four of them because that is like buying two and getting two free.  And also because if i didn’t do that it would be like i was purposely not saving money in this trying economy which is just silly.


i think that’s enough for today don’t ya think?  i’ll ease you fools back in because i know it was a long 3 day weekend.  A weekend that i got so drunk i was literally deucing myself on the toilet and throwing up into my sink at the same time.  i can’t say for sure that’s what happened, because i was blacked out Saturday night and anything i say about that night is suspect at best.  But if Dexter Morgan investigated puke instead of blood he would have had to agree that by looking at the trajectory that my throw up took and the stain that was left in my bathroom one could reasonably conclude that while i punishing the bowl  i was forced to make a quick decision of where to throw up, and instead of choosing the tub i chose the sink.  Which i have to admit was just a peach to clean up the next morning!  And yes that was the absolute worst way to end my weekend as well as this blog!  But i’m glad i chose to not bore you with those disgusting details, and i’m glad you all had a better weekend then i did and i’ll be glad to see you all this Friday with a brand new hilarious blog!

Cya Friday – miguel jo$é


4 Responses to “Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about. – Rodney Dangerfield”

  1. Jim September 5, 2012 at 1:54 pm #

    You probably should hire a puke spatter analyst on weekends.


  2. shannon September 6, 2012 at 5:33 pm #

    You won't spend 99 cents for an app or a game on your phone that you might use and enjoy for weeks or months but you'll spend 4 times that on a cup of coffee from Starbucks that will be gone in a few minutes? Your priorities are out of whack. 🙂


  3. Miguel José September 7, 2012 at 1:42 am #

    That's a rough job to have but i'd rather that then be a deuce splatter analyst…


  4. Miguel José September 7, 2012 at 1:43 am #

    For the amount i spend on one round of Grey Goose shots i could buy every app i ever wanted but i try to not think things out logically in that way haha 🙂


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