"Awww i’m gonna miss the whole summer!" Don’t worry boy, when you get a job like me you’ll miss every summer! – Homer Simpson

28 Aug

What is up kids?

So this is my last blog until after Labor day because i’ll tell you right now i’m taking this Friday off.  And why is that?  Because there is one week of summer left and i don’t want to miss any of it!! 

Because for real, this summer f’n FLEW by!  And that’s me saying this as a “grown up”.  It’s not like i’m a kid in high school enjoying the last few days of his summer vacation before school starts back up again, no matter what i told that young girl at Dunkin Donuts who was ordering a dozen glazed donuts in that little tank top and those little shorts that made me Boston Cream my pants.  But even as an “adult” it gets sad when the summer is over.  Because Labor day weekend is the unofficial “official” end of summer and it will be here before you know it!

i mean doesn’t it seem like the summer just f’n started??  i remember just yesterday planning for my camping trip, driving up to Cape Cod on July 4th to meet my family, and tons of other memories i have over the entire summer!  Alright fine, those are the only two memories i have of this summer. Alright FINE!!  Those are the only two memories i have of ANY summer ever!!!  Are you happy now???  i told you already, i’m sexy and great in bed and have the best sense of humor and have awesome taste in movies and music and books and i love my country and i’m a great kisser and have fantastic oral skills….. but i’m not smart at all!!!!  Don’t let all that other stuff fool you kids, i have no memory and i constantly make bad decision after bad decision. 

But my decision to take this Friday off is a good one, because even though i know you guys are DEVASTATED when i don’t put up a new blog for once you should all be okay.  Because even MY horrific job gives us Monday off, so even we finally get a 3 day weekend.  And trust me, i will need all three of those days!  Because Friday night i plan on getting WAAAAY too bombed, which means i will need all of Saturday day and night just to recover.  And then Sunday i have my third and final fantasy football draft which will end up with me doing shot guns and funneling beers and eating pizza and wings until fluids are flying out of every orifice on my body.  And then Monday i’m going to bail on all my friends BBQ’s that i said i’d go to and instead i will be recovering in my bed a sweaty and shivering mess from all the puking i did all weekend.  So for real, i can’t wait for this fun Labor day holiday weekend to start already!

But don’t be like me kids.  Don’t waste your life getting destroyed and eating too much and spending your entire weekend shaking and crying on the toilet bowl thinking about missed opportunities.  Get out there this weekend!  Go see a friend!  Hit up the beach one time, or actually go to your friends BBQ for once.  Or even throw a BBQ yourself for crying out loud.  Do something fun because before you know it the weather will start getting cooler, the leaves will start to fall and we’ll all go back into our normal mundane fall weather routines just dreaming about it being next summer already!

But we’re not there yet kids, we have one last week of fun before that awfulness starts so let’s make the most of it while we can!  Although to be honest, Fall is really my favorite season anyway.  i love when it starts to get cooler out again.  i love the way the trees look in September, when we can see that God must truly be an artist the way he came up with all the beautiful explosion of colors on this amazing blue green planet we float around on through space. And plus it being the Fall means Halloween is not that far off, which you should all know by now is my all time favorite holiday.  Besides my birthday of course.

But more importantly then all of that, including the Almighty, is that the Fall means FOOTBALL SEASON IS BACK!!!!  G-MEN BABY, SEPT 5TH AGAINST THE COWBOYS YOU’D BETTER BE READY TO BRING IT AGAINST THE CURRENT “WORLD CHAMPIONS” MOTHERF*CKERS!!!!” 

See you in September!!!


-Have all of you seen those “Texting while Driving” PSA’s?  You know, those commercials where they talk about people who get into car accidents while texting? Sure you have, they are on television all the time.  And i guess they can be pretty effective, like that girl talking about her sister who died while texting her “where r u” or whatever she was texting.  Or that commercial with the kid who is paralyzed for life because he was texting “Almost there” or whatever it was.  So i get the point of those commercials and i get that the message they are trying to get across is a serious one.  And hopefully this campaign saves lives because texting while driving is EXTREMELY dangerous!  However, i have to think if i get in an accident while texting and driving they will probably not use any of my texts in those ads, because the things i’m normally texting are WAY more f*cked up then the ones they use in these commercials.   For real, if they were to use my texts for these ads the texts would be more like “Man after all that White Castle i can’t wait to take a big steamy Shi…” or more like  “Don’t worry sweetheart, i can keep a secret.  i wont’ tell anyone you’re only sixtee…”  or even “You’re so hot baby, you don’t know how bad i want to lick your pus…”   But yeah my point is that when i do crash while texting and driving hopefully they won’t put me in those commercials.

“That joke is bull$hit miguel!  You would never type out “sixteen” you would just use the numbers 16!  Have you never texted before??””  C’mon jerk, OBVIOUSLY i would only text the numbers and OBVIOUSLY i was just hoping you’d let this one go so i could get to my joke.  Do you really have to be Nelly Nitpicker on EVERY little detail of my bits?  Go enjoy what’s left of your summer already.

-Do any of you cut the crusts off of your sandwich?  And if you do, did you grow up with your nanny doing it for you or were your parents that insane that THEY did it for you?  Maybe it’s because my dad grew up not having a lot of food around, but we NEVER wasted any food in my house.  And we weren’t allowed to be picky eaters either.  i can’t IMAGINE any of these kids today growing up in my house.  “i only eat chicken fingers and french fries!”  Oh really? Because i made Spanish chicken and rice so that’s what you’re getting.  So your “choices” are either eating what i made or having nothing at all.  So feel free to be “picky” all you want, because you can pick between those two choices all day!  And it wasn’t even a matter of only having one choice for dinner, whatever food was put on my plate HAD to be finished.  Throwing away leftover food in the trash??  Are you kidding me? So my father is a former Marine who grew up in a house that did not have a lot of food available.  So now that my dad can provide enough food for a family of 5, i’m just going to throw away half the food on my plate??  But again, i will say in this case my dad was a reasonable man.  He always did give us a “choice” when we had leftover food on our plate.  And our choices were i could eat all the food on my plate, or i could go get the belt and he would beat my toddler buns until they were a cheeky Mexican red.  So my father was nothing if not fair.  But yeah to get back to my original point no, i don’t cut the crusts off sandwiches because i don’t waste food and because i’m still scared of getting hit by the belt.  And if you ever eat dinner with my family you’d better finish your plate unless you want a scary Dominican guy spanking the $hit out of you in front of everyone!  From my own personal experience my advice to you would be to just finish your plate already…

So speaking of my dad, he’s having surgery tomorrow.  So if any of you have any extra prayers i could use some now please.  It’s nothing TOO major but nothing too minor either, and i’m sure he’ll be fine but of course i’ll always worry because i love my dad to death and if anything ever happened to him i don’t think i could take it.  To either of my parents really.  i know i never call or visit them, and i know my mom thinks i don’t like to hang out with the family or that i don’t appreciate everything they’ve done for me.  But i do, i truly do.  i know my parents are better people then i, and i know i’m not strong enough to have lived as unselfish a life as they have done for their family.  i mean don’t get me wrong, my parents are both insane lunatics.  But somehow they raised 5 fantastic kids (alright fine, 4 plus me) who are all good people and who have good values and treat people right or try to at least and we are all in good health and have decent jobs and we all have our parents to thank for that.  And i know i’ll never be as good or as great of a person as my dad is, but i still hope that someday i will be able to make him proud or as proud as i wish i could make him.  But yeah his surgery is Wednesday so those of you how have an in with the big man upstairs please throw my dad a prayer when you have a chance, it’s much appreciated!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- White people age TERRIBLY.  Have you ever noticed that?  You will see a 60 year old black or Hispanic guy and have trouble figuring out the person’s age, he might be 16 or he might be 60.  But if you see a 60 year old white guy you know he looks at LEAST 75.  This is the kind of stuff that makes me think there is a God, because he may have given white people all the power and money, that’s no doubt.  But he also gave them horrible skin that ages horrifically as well as skin that can’t handle the sun at all so they have to constantly douche themselves in SPF 45000 just to be outside.  Thank God for my gorgeous brown perfect skin.  And thank my parents too i guess. 

ONE HITTERS: -The New York Jets are STILL the only team in the NFL who has not scored a touchdown this preseason…

Fast food tips – Endless Shrimp at Red Lobster is back!

That’s right, for only $14.99 you get all you can eat shrimp, from the new Terriyaki Grilled Shrimp to Parmesan Shrimp, plus hand-breaded shrimp and Garlic shrimp scampi and even shrimp linguini Alfredo.  Not to mention you get a salad and unlimited cheddar bay biscuits which are basically KFC biscuits dipped in butter and fried in garlic.  Or in other words, just the smell of those biscuits takes me from 6 to 12 o’clock IMMEDIATELY.  But yeah i went to this last night to check it out and i’m proud to say we were there so long that we closed the kitchen and couldn’t have gotten more shrimp if we wanted.  But i’ll be honest, i did NOT want anymore gddamn shrimp! In fact i’m glad we closed the kitchen because if i was in that restaurant any longer my chair would have been covered in a butt-breaded shrimp scampi sauce and they would have had to cheddar bay butter my own biscuits to get me out of there.  Which none of that really makes sense but what DOES make sense is that this is the money deal so go out and do it already!

i gotta find Bubba!

And that’s it for me today kids, and for the week!  Do any of you remember that earlier i said i’m taking off this Friday from my blog?  You don’t? Man your guys memory is f’n worse then mine!  But yeah i’ll be back next Tuesday, September 4th so until then you’ll have to find your amazing comedy elsewhere.  But i plan to be back with a new look, some new bits and the return of some old ones so once this Labor Day weekend is over it will be back to work for me just like the rest of you fools!  And next Tuesday will be my “Back to School” blog which trust me you will not want to miss!
So have a great week kids, enjoy the rest of your summer or what we have left and i’ll see you September 4th!  –  miguel jo$é

5 Responses to “"Awww i’m gonna miss the whole summer!" Don’t worry boy, when you get a job like me you’ll miss every summer! – Homer Simpson”

  1. Jim August 28, 2012 at 5:31 pm #

    Red Lobster biscuits are insanely good… but Popeyes are the best. Its fact. Put that in your little fast food tips pipe and smoke it.


  2. Miguel José August 28, 2012 at 7:58 pm #

    That wasn't the point i was making but it is an interesting debate. And maybe one i'll have to let the readers of this blog decide next Tuesday…


  3. Chrystie H August 28, 2012 at 8:42 pm #

    Ummm, I'm pretty sure white people age differently BECAUSE they're they don't really eat Red Lobster. I mean, have u looked around those places? hahahahaa.
    But for real, don't play the crying game this weekend, it's a waste of time.


  4. Miguel José August 29, 2012 at 2:25 am #

    Well not eating Red Lobster is what lets white people live longer i'll agree with you there. But i'm not talking about health because who cares about that? i'm going to be out at 67 anyways, what i'm talking about is “looking great” which is what is REALLY important! So all the people dining in Red Lobster last night were mostly minorities eating that awful garbage, but we all looked great doing it! 🙂

    But i 100% plan on playing the Crying game this weekend, i hate to tell you. Not so much drinking too much i guess but more i'm going to hang out with a man dressed like a woman and i'll “pretend” i don't know until i see her penis. Or did you not mean the movie “Crying game”? And i'm guessing i could have left that last sentence out because i know you already got the joke. Oh well, i'm just enjoying writing my longest response to a comment ever 🙂


  5. Chrystie H August 29, 2012 at 3:56 am #

    i was imagining the crying game shower scene above any other part of the movie, but if u want to do the whole deal go ahead and don't let me know….or partially let me know….or u know what, tell me the good parts. But the point is white people might look bad aging but it's cuz we work hard, not everyone can be a mitt romney or ronald reagan these days, but we know a lobster when we bite into one, and that's the bottom line. stay out of the red lobster cuz no shrimp is that small and that ain't lobster. u know it, i know it and the 'merican people know it.
    the length of ur reply is completely appreciated. love it. don't change a thing


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