i want you to notice when i’m not around. You’re so f*cking special. i wish i was special… but i’m a creep. – Radiohead "Creep"

24 Aug

What is up kids?

So before i go any further, and by further i mean with this blog in general not just this rant.  i would like to write a response to my last blog,  Blog 150 if you will.   Because i have to admit i kind of feel like a jerk about that whole thing, for real.  But i’m thinking, maybe i shouldn’t feel that way?  i mean i guess i shouldn’t, right?
Because when you think about it, i’m just another ahole spouting garbage on the interwebs. OBVIOUSLY i shouldn’t care if someone gets offended by what i say… right?

Or maybe i’m not right.  Maybe you would all feel different if i posted the actual email i received in response to that bit i did.  Maybe you would feel different if you read that.  Or maybe not.  Probably not.  Or maybe you don’t even know what i’m talking about at all because you haven’t read my last blog yet. Maybe you haven’t.  i guess it’s possible.

But yeah i guess i kind of feel like a jerk about the whole thing.  However, that still doesn’t explain the quote i used to start today’s blog off .  Because that quote is from the song “Creep” and i’m saying that right now i feel like a jerk.  So the question is, is that the same thing?

No, no it’s not.  Because i’ll admit a lot of awful things about myself.  i’ll admit that i’m a poor loser, and that i’m afraid of heights, and that i didn’t lose my virginity until i was 19.  Ugh, what was my problem??  i was crazy hot back then!  i mean don’t get me wrong, i’m still hot now, but not your typical Channing Tatum muscle bound ahole hot.  i’m that sexy Hispanic guy who knows what places to kiss down your neck and down your spine kind of hot, the one that works your $hit until you’re begging for more, and the kind that…

So what i’m trying to say is that despite all of my awful traits i am not a creep.  Because even with that last paragraph you were either A: into it (the way i know MOST of you are) or B: a guy and not into it (although even some of you sexy basterds were definitely into what i was saying) or C: you laughed because you thought it was funny (which is what you white girls do, you laugh nervously because you know you can’t handle this sexy Mexy…)  So do you see what i mean??  My comments are either sexy or funny or possibly both. What they are not is being creepy, and for the record i’d just like to distinguish between the two.

Because creepy dudes are the f’n WORST.  Honestly ladies, i feel bad that you have to put up with all these disgusting dirtbags.  Like the guy who has to touch you on the back of your neck at your desk and give you creepy massages when you’re staring at your computer.  Or the guy who has to take harmless flirting WAY too far and text you awful nonsense when you weren’t giving that vibe AT ALL.  Or the guy who has to make a comment every time you wear a skirt or something hot, but not in a complimentary way but in a creepy ahole way. THAT kind of creep….

Because creeps are the worst.  i mean yeah all of us guys have HORRIFIC thoughts about you women that we could never admit to you ever.  And ALL of us wish we could run our hands up and down your gorgeous bodies.  And we all want you to “sext” us dirty messages that we can whack our balleens off too.  i mean yeah we all want that.  But us decent normal guys know we can’t say or do that stuff, because it’s disgusting and that is what dirtbags do.  The creep is the guy who does all of that stuff anyway, and it’s even CREEPIER when they think they are getting away with it and/or being slick about it.  Because you’re not slick and you’re not getting away with it.  We all know what an awful human being you are and we know that you’re the worst.

So yeah i’m not a creep, just a jerk.  So i gots that going for me i guess, right?

Hahahahaha there is no WAY  any of  this rant made sense to any of you today!!  And to answer your question  YES, i am losing my mind.  But there is some brilliant writing in there if you look for it, the use of italics alone is a work of art.  And my RANDOM NONSENSE  is some of my funniest $hit ever so if i lost you here i’ll win you back now.  So here ya go!

RANDOM NONSENSE

-As far as greeting cards go, they need to come out with a “Belated Wedding gift” card already for the love of Christ.  i mean honestly, I’M not the one getting married!  Just because YOU’RE in love and you have all of this money to shell out for a wedding. all of a sudden I’M supposed to have enough money to give you for a gift???  It’s bad enough i had to shell out all those duckets for your bachelor party, and/or tuxedo for the wedding, and the hotel room, or if you’re a girl the dress and makeup and hair.  And the worst part is you don’t even want to be in the wedding party because you hate all her friends and these dresses are ugly and you barely know the bride anyway!  But after all of this, NOW i have to give you a wedding present worth at least a hundred or so bucks if you live in the NY/NJ area, probably more?!??  Well i have no problem giving you a gift, just let me wait a few months when i have some money in the bank.  Is that too much to ask??  Sorry that i love you and want to be a part of your special day i just happen to be a broke a$$hole.  And you know what would make this entire process easier?  If they had belated wedding gift cards!!!  See how i brought that all back together??  No??  Ugh, you’re the worst…

-i can tell that i’m getting older because i can’t order pepperoni as a topping on pizza anymore.  UGH THAT IS THE WORST TO ADMIT!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW F*CKING OLD I AM!!!!!  But it’s true, that greasy nonsense DESTROYS my insides and it wrecks me for days.  When you’re a kid you don’t care. “Extra pepperoni please!!”  But now that i’m 57 years old i can’t do it anymore.  And i mean don’t get me wrong, if someone brings out a pizza with pep at that’s my only choice i’m still totally in.  i’m just saying when i have the choice i don’t order it, because the heartburn and pain is just not worth it.  It’s like me trying to date an Italian girl.  i get that it looks beautiful and delicious and it’s the most amazing thing i’ve ever seen in my life and i would do ANYTHING to be with it. But i also know that all it does is cause me heartache and agony, and all it really wants is to be yelled at by some 5 foot 1 Italian man in a white beater and mustache who treats it like garbage and thinks women belong in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant.  What was my point in all of this?? Oh yeah, i’ve sworn off Italian girls.  i get that you’re the hottest.  I GET IT!!  And i’m over it.  And i’m over you.  Just like pepperoni pizza

Miguel’s Money Movie Review: So i don’t think this comes across well on my blog, but i’m a hopeless romantic.  BAD.  i mean yeah it’s obvious that i’m a big sensitive ahole, and that any hot girl who has anything in common with me can run my life and ruin it BAD.  But there’s still more to me then just that.  i mean maybe when i was a kid i was worse, but i’m getting old now and in my old age comes old responsibility.  Just like Spiderman.  Wait, that’s not the real line… and that’s not even the movie i’m doing a review about!!  Because the movie i want to review today is called “True Romance.”  And i would think the majority of you haven’t seen it ever “Yeah the majority of people have never see it and the minorities shouldn’t have either because they shouldn’t even be in this country!!”  Um, that’s kind of a stretch but well played.  But anyways, this movie was written by Quentin Tarantinio and directed by Tony Scott, who if you didn’t know just found out he had cancer and jumped from a bridge and killed himself this week.  That’s 100% true, look it up if you don’t believe me.  Anyways, Tony Scott directed a ton of good movies.  That you really can look up because i’m too lazy to write them and you all have the Interwebs on your phone so google that piece already!!  But anyways, this one movie he did “True Romance” is one of the most romantic movies i have ever seen in my life, if not THE most romantic.  And it’s the story about a 30 something guy who still works at a comic store who falls in love with a hooker and they both fall into the possession of a TON of cocaine and decide to try and sell it to live their happy lives together but everyone from her old pimp to the mob to the cops are after them and want them dead.  “Um, miguel… that doesn’t sound like a love story!!”  Well it is, one of the most romantic ones ever.  In fact, if i ever met a girl who wrote “You’re so cool, You’re so cool, You’re so cool” on a napkin and then gave it to me i would probably marry her on the spot.  No you can’t just go do that now crazy broads who are into me, you have to do it and mean it!  But for real, this film was written by Quentin Tarantino who said he always wanted to write a love story and a romantic movie that guys wouldn’t mind going to see with their girlfriends and/or wives and that is what he did.  And besides the incredible script and fantastic plot, EVERYBODY is in this movie!!  “Like who miguel?”  How about Christian Slater, Patricia Arquette, Dennis Hopper, Christopher Walken, Brad Pitt (in one of his best roles EVER), Val Kilmer, Michael Rappaport, James Gandolfini, Samuel L Jackson, Chris Penn, Tom Sizemore, and Gary Oldman.  Sounds insane right?  Almost like you don’t believe all those people are in this movie.  Well they are, and this movie is one of the moneyest ever.  But i honestly believe, and Tarantino is one of my most favorite directors ever so this is almost tough to say, but i do believe that this movie would not have been as good unless Tony Scott directed it.  And there’s not another director in the world that i would say that about other then Tony Scott.  So it sucks you’re gone man but thank you for directing one of my most favorite movies of all time.  Rest in peace hermano.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- i’m a full on coffee snob.  i’ll f’n admit it, i don’t care.  i mostly only drink Starbucks but if i HAVE to order from that God awful Dunkin Donuts i’ll order a Turbo hot which is a coffee with a shot of espresso.  i normally make my morning coffee at home but this week i ran out and was left with my “emergency coffee” which is Maxwell House or Foldgers or whatever garbage i’ve had in my cabinet for 10 years.  So i had to make that awfulness this week and it literally tasted like a homeless man’s taint and basically ruined my day.  So i’m throwing it all out, because for real there is no point in even keeping it in my house.  So yeah i am a complete coffee elitist .  When it comes to coffee i am the 1%.  So keep drinking your swill you 99%ers, and oh yeah while you’re at it get a job!

A Great Name for a Punk Band!  “Legitimate Rape”

Eesh, that was rough.  You’re gonna drop that with no explanation?  Or are you gonna drop it as…

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED. THIS IS REAL LIFE: So House Representative Todd Akin from Missouri was asked a question about pregnancy as a result of rape on a St Louis television station.  He was actually asked whether he believes abortion is justified in cases of rape and replied that “real” rape does not result in pregnancy.  Wait, what??  That’s  not really what he said??? Is it??? Well let me just clarify because here is what he said EXACTLY…

“It seems to be, first of all, from what I understand from doctors, (getting pregnant from rape) it’s really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut the whole thing down.” So yeah i know it’s the name of the bit but…
THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED. THIS IS REAL LIFE

Way to go Republicans!  And the best part is this guy is running for office again and EVERYONE in his party from that fat f*ck Rush Limbaugh to Mitt Romeny and Paul Ryan have called this guy to tell him to drop out of the race but he still won’t do it!  Great timing d!ck!  Way to only look out for yourself and no one else!  Which although when you think about it makes him the perfect Republican…

And that’s it for me today kids.  Man this was a pretty terrific blog.  Have you all told your friends about me yet?  No i don’t mean that i’m a hot single sexy Hispanic who is hilarious and smart and great in bed.  Oh wait, maybe i’m hilarous in bed and not that smart.  Either way, tell people about my blog!  Well the cool people, i don’t want any dorks.  And can you tell some hot girls please?  It’d be much appreciated.  And are you following me on Twitter yet??  i’m at: migueljose_85.   So yeah follow me on that piece too.  And oh yeah have a fantastic weekend everyone and i will see you back here on Tuesday!

-miguel jo$é

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8 Responses to “i want you to notice when i’m not around. You’re so f*cking special. i wish i was special… but i’m a creep. – Radiohead "Creep"”

  1. albin August 24, 2012 at 3:57 pm #

    True romance = best movie ever

    Like

  2. albin August 24, 2012 at 3:57 pm #

    True romance = best movie ever

    Like

  3. Anonymous August 24, 2012 at 4:36 pm #

    so was this creep blog inspired because of the card I showed you at happy hour last week lol…gotta love hand written notes lol

    Stef 🙂

    Like

  4. Jim August 24, 2012 at 5:07 pm #

    Nice double post Albin. Retard…

    Like

  5. Miguel José August 27, 2012 at 7:06 pm #

    Best movie EVER. Best movie EVER!!

    Definitely worth the double post

    Like

  6. Miguel José August 27, 2012 at 7:08 pm #

    It's actually a different creep but i'd like to think this blog encaptures a whole range of creeps haha

    Like

  7. Anonymous August 29, 2012 at 2:20 am #

    Who hasn't seen true romance. Redo cultus good movie. And balky bartachamus (sp?) is in it.

    -chuck

    Like

  8. Miguel José August 29, 2012 at 2:26 am #

    haha i know i left Balki out on purpose to see who would call me out! Of course i didn't forget him and cousin Larry!

    Like

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