I’m 50. To put it into perspective, that’s like 32 for ladies. — Jack Donaghy "30 Rock"

17 Aug

What is up kids?

Blog 149 and i’m feeling fine… plus it’s my birthday weekend!  Alright fine who am i kidding, it’s my birthday month and i haven’t stopped partying once!  Because i’ll be honest my friends, i am a HUGE fan of my birthday.  i mean don’t get me wrong, yeah i’m getting kind of sick of this whole getting older thing.  But whatever, sleeping with an 18 year old girl is legal in this country whether i am 4 or whether if i’m 54.  So who cares how old i’m getting?  i follow the laws of this country, of AMERICA.  And if banging an 18 year old teen is legal, and as long as i obey the laws of this great nation i consider myself a patriot and a great American.  US and A!  US and A!  US and A!

And i’m also excited because it’s blog 149.  Holy f’n $hitballs kids i’m one blog away from 150!!!  Which means i guess i need to go all out for my next blog considering i’ve done a money blog for every milestone that i’ve hit.  For blog 50 i thanked everyone who got me that far, and told you all how much i appreciate that you guys read my nonsense.  For blog 100 i did the finale of the three part trilogy of a love letter that i wrote to my first love back in high school, which is still personally the most EMBARRASSING blog i’ve ever written. So how do i make sure blog 150 doesn’t disappoint?

Well i’ll give you the heads up now, blog 150 will be NO different.  In fact, it may be my most controversial blog ever.  Because apparently my blog is getting out there kids, and apparently not everyone is a fan.  “But miguel it’s IMPOSSIBLE to not think you blog is hilarious and super funny and the best thing ever!”  i know i know, that’s what i thought!  But one person doesn’t happen to think so, and this person reached out to me privately to tell me so.  

But i’ll get into that next week, on Tuesday to be exact.  So buckle up everybody because blog 150 will be quite the milestone i promise you that.  But until that day comes i am going out tonight to party my GDDAMN FACE OFF for my birthday at Copia in NYC.  If you’re around you should come out and buy me a shot because that’s what you do on people’s birthdays and i’m no different.  And oh yeah i also like presents.  i don’t care what they are, you can surprise me if you’d like.   But bring a lot of them!

But yeah before i get to the nonsense, i’d like to leave you with a bit about birthdays from one of my favorite comics growing up, Larry Miller.  Instead of me trying to come up with some new witty take on birthdays i’m gonna be lazy and just post a classic from him.  And normally you could tell me that i’m ghetto for doing this but you need to be nice to me today because for the one millionth time it’s my motherf’n birthday suckas!!

Larry Miller’s take on aging:
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
“How old are you?” “I’m four and a half!” You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key.
You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
“How old are you?” “I’m gonna be 16!” You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . .You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80’s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; “I Was JUST 92.”
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. “I’m 100 and a half!”

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
-So if you can’t already tell, i’m a HUGE fan of my birthday.  But i also realize not everyone is like that.  Some people absolutely HATE their birthday.  “i don’t want presents!  Don’t throw me a party!  If you throw a surprise party i will KILL you!!!”  And i get that there are different strokes for different folks.  But for real kids, how can you NOT be a fan of your birthday?  i mean it’s literally the only holiday that is YOURS, and if this day did not happen in history you wouldn’t even be on this planet to hate it!  And i get that it sucks getting older, especially for all of you girls who hit the age of “25” or older.  But let’s be honest, once you’re over 25 it doesn’t matter how old you are anymore anyway, your life is pretty much over.  So why be depressed about it?  Just embrace that you will never be as attractive as you were when you were 24 again for the rest of your life and move on!  But yeah it is sad to me when people don’t dig their birthdays.  It’s like they have a problem with feeling special, and don’t want any attention even though it’s only one day a year.  And if you don’t allow yourself to get attention ONCE in awhile or just enjoy the fact that you are alive and celebrate on your birthday because you are lucky enough to still be here on this planet then you are really blowing it and i feel sorry for you.  But i’ll get over it….
Did anyone read that “Different Strokes” line and NOT think about that show or have the theme song playing in their head?  Yeah me neither.
-Speaking of birthdays, while i do love my birthday and all and while i personally have my birthday “month” where i basically do whatever i want all of August, i absolutely HATE surprise parties.  Not because i hate parties, but because the idea of them is so f*cked up!!  So let me get this straight, ALL of my closest friends and even my family members are going to get together and go behind my back so they can come up with some HUGE lie that they are going to tell me right to my face???  i’ll tell you right now, i am NOT comfortable with that knowledge!!  And who’s the one who throws these surprise parties? It’s always your best friend or your brother or whoever is closest to you and has your most trust.  Because that’s awesome, it’s good to know that i would actually take a bullet for you and there are secrets i know about you that i would take to my grave.  But you on the other hand have NO PROBLEM gathering everyone i know behind my back in order to come up with a huge conspiracy of lies just to get me to show up at a random restaurant on a Friday night.  i’m tired of the lies, i’m tired of not being able to trust those closest to me, and i’m gddamn tired of surprise parties!!
“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – Hey girls who are always cold in my office building… DRESS WARMER!  “But i need my little tank tops and need to wear sandals and then i need to complain how cold it is so they have to turn the heat up to 95 degrees so people have to try and do their job in uncomfortable sweltering heat!”  Yeah, i know you need to do that.  But f”n quit it already.  Don’t you realize if you’re cold you can dress warmer, but if it’s hot there is nothing i can do about it?  No, of course you don’t realize it.  Because everything revolves around you and you’d rather wear spaghetti straps and complain instead of just dressing warmer like a normal person.  You really are the worst, just put on a f*cking sweater and just shut up already.

So i don’t always go into current events and/or politics, mostly because i know it bores people to tears.  But this next thing is SO F*CKED up that i just have to right about it because as it says above, this is REAL life.  Have all of you heard what is going on with this Progressive Auto insurance court case?  You should know about it, it’s f’n insane a just a sad example of why corporations are NOT people no matter what Mitt Romney tries to tell you.  i’m going to post the article that i read that explains it best right now, because you should all know about this case and it’s my birthday and i’m doing my best to not write ANY of my own stuff today.  Give me a break, i’ve given you 149 free blogs for crying out loud!  But yeah the original article can be found HERE  but i’ll post the main parts right now.  

Comedian Calls Out Progressive Insurance for Defending His Sister’s Killer; Progressive Responds in Heartless Robot Fashion
In June of 2010, Matt Fisher’s sister Katie was killed in a car accident. She had a green light and the other driver ran the red — fault was clear. The other driver’s insurance company settled with Katie’s estate immediately, but because the driver was underinsured, the payment was not much. Based on the Progressive policy Katie had purchased, Progressive was required to pay the difference.  

Progressive refused to pay, which meant Katie’s parents had to pursue legal action. But in Maryland, you can’t sue an insurance company for denying compensation. The parents’ next move was to sue the other driver — something they did not want to do — just so they could establish his negligence and force Progressive to pay Katie’s policy.  

That’s when things took a turn for the “you’ve got to be f*cking kidding me…”

At the trial, the guy who killed his sister was defended by Progressive’s legal team.  If you are insured by Progressive and they owe you money, they will defend your killer in court in order to not pay you your policy.  
Incidentally, the other driver was found to be negligent, which means Progressive will be forced to pay at some vague point in the future. That’s after putting the Fisher family through a tremendous amount of emotional and financial strain.

So OK, insurance companies are evil. This is, sadly, nothing new. But Matt Fisher’s documentation of such an extreme case got the internet’s attention — his post was reblogged, tweeted, and shared, until Progressive was finally forced to respond.
And they did an impressively crappy job of it.
Here is the automated response tweeted from Progressive’s account:
This is a tragic case, and our sympathies go out to Mr. Fisher and his family for the pain they’ve had to endure. We fully investigated this claim and relevant background, and feel we properly handled the claim within our contractual obligations.  Again, this is a tragic situation, and we’re sorry for everything Mr. Fisher and his family have gone through?  
Really?  That’s the automated response this company gives??   And to make it worse this automated response came with Flo’s smiling face next to each copy-pasted tweet!  Man real life is pretty f’d up…

It’s kind hard to look at FLO the same way now, isn’t it?

Fast food tips – i don’t know if i did this already, but if i have to tell you one more time that i don’t care today because its my birthday then i will punch you in the face.  But even if i did this bit already it has to do with White Castle so it’s worth doing again.  White Castle is “Bringing Saucy Back!”  which is an ad campaign so awful it’s hilarious!  Oh wait no it’s not, it’s still garbage.  But what is not garbage is the BBQ pulled slider and BBQ bacon chicken slider!  Holy S that sounds so good i think i just pulled a pork slider in my pants! Which is what will happen to all of you if you eat this delicious nonsense.  But it will be worth it in the end, i promise!  Well not in the end, your end will actually hate that you did that especially when these burgers are “sliding” back out of you.  But for the short time you are chewing this BBQ greatness you are GUARANTEED possibly 2 minutes of pleasure!  And like the Flight of the Conchords taught us 2 minutes of pleasure is better then 1 minute of pleasure!

-BTW, did anyone see those “Different Strokes” jokes above and NOT think about the episode where Dudley get touched by that shady bike owner?  Yeah me neither…

Blog 149 is in the books, all that is left now is for me to turn a new age and to put out blog 150 which i really think will get people talking.  And you have to admit ,no matter how full of $hit i am normally and trust me, i know i am FILLED to the brim with excrement most days, blog 150 might be one of the best blogs i ever write.  But again, that is for next week, my birthday is here NOW so i’m gonna go get ready to celebrate.  Have a great weekend if you don’t come out to Copia tonight to celebrate with me and i will see you kids next week when i’m a year older and with a controversial blog 150!!!
-the birthday boy

2 Responses to “I’m 50. To put it into perspective, that’s like 32 for ladies. — Jack Donaghy "30 Rock"”

  1. green4u August 17, 2012 at 4:30 pm #

    Happy Birthday!!

    I hope 150 is not all about your drunk bday party antics… Just Kidding!

    I had not heard of the Progressive story, who knew I would get the news here. Thanks for always surprising me!


  2. Miguel José August 17, 2012 at 5:24 pm #

    haha nope, 150 has quite the story behind it and i can't wait to see how people react…

    isn't that progressive story crazy? The backlash on Social Media has been INSANE, and deservedly so. And i normally don't just post articles word for word but i really thought people should know about this one.

    And congrats on your blog being published, that is f'n fantastic Leigh! I keep trying to comnment on it but i can't at work, i promise i will this weekend though. But that is really amazing news, i'm super proud of you and all you're work! 🙂


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