I’m wearing new contacts. I just had my prescription changed…after six years. You ever wait that long? Then you get new lenses and you’re like "Man, I coulda been seeing things!" How could instantly improved vision not be at the top of your to do list? "Aah, I’ll see tomorrow…I don’t have time. I don’t have time!…to see clearly. – Brian Regan

14 Aug

What is up kids?

MAN do i need to get new contact lenses!   i’ve been on my last pair FOREVER, and if i lose one or rip one i am f’d.  And they are not even the long lasting ones, i’ve been on a pair of daily contacts going on like 3 months now.  Do you ever put things off like that?  Something as important as having contacts so that you can actually be able to see clearly?  i’m guessing you do, otherwise that Brian Regan quote i used to start this blog wouldn’t have been so f’n funny…

New contacts are just another thing on my list of things i procrastinate doing because i’m a lazy unmotivated ahole.  Like working out.  Or eating healthy.  Or getting that thing on my leg looked at.  Or vacuuming my room for the love of Pete.  Or doing stand up comedy.  Or finding a girl who understands me that is also super hot and under 25 and blond and is addicted to giving blow jobs. You know, that kind of stuff.  Although if you notice, i did not throw in studying for fantasy football.  That’s because i studyed for that ALL GDDMAN WEEKEND kids!  i listened to fantasy football podcasts, i read player news and updates on the interwebs, i made all my own personal rankings for running backs, wide receivers, QB’s and Tight ends.  i even ranked some defenses for crying out loud!  i can’t wait to dominate fantasy football this seasoZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…

Haha sorry, all my lady readers just feel asleep.  Not because they think fantasy football is boring, but because a lot of them are over 25 and get tired easily.  Enjoy your nap grandma!  And i’m sure that comment pissed off some of you older broads, but i’d rather you be pissed at me and reading my blog then fast asleep! 

But i will say that for once i don’t think it’s total procrastination on my part.  i have been busy with a lot of stuff this summer.  From watching four seasons of “Breaking Bad” in two weeks to catch up to the new one, to random happy hours with money people after work, coming up with new stuff for this blog, going camping and catching up with old friends.  So i will say for once i have been kinda busy and keeping myself occupied with fun things and not just being poor excuse for a human being.  Because i do get mad at myself when i procrastinate by just sitting in my bed or on my couch downstairs watching T.V. all day, but when i’m out and about (or “oot and aboot” as they say in Canada) doing stuff or having new experiences and enjoying my life it really doesn’t bother me as much when i don’t get everything i want done.  “Didn’t you just say you watched 4 seasons of a show in two weeks?  Where were you watching it, at the gym?  i’m guessing the answer is “no” because you’re fatter then ever!”  First of all, stop judging me and listening to what i write.  And secondly it’s my birthday on Sunday so be nice!

i am glad my birthday is coming up though, i feel like my birthday is a time to start over, a clean slate if you will.  Like in my head i know the last year of my life was pretty $hitty,  and that i basically accomplished nothing. But i can tell you that this NEXT year of my life i’m going to make things happen!!!  Just you wait and see!  So yeah basically i’m saying my birthday is no different then New Years Eve.  i go into it with all good intentions and i’m motivated to make changes and better myself in the upcoming year ,but then a month later i have forgotten about all of that nonsense and just figure i’ll wait until the next year to get anything done…

But maybe not this year?  Who knows, i know i sure don’t.  i mean i have a feeling this year will be different but i feel that EVERY year.  But i don’t know, for some reason i don’t think this year will be the same.  Can’t you just feel the change happening?  Like a sudden bulge in my pants thinking of those blond 24 year old girls who… NO! Not that kind of change.  i just mean the kind of change where you KNOW something is gonna happen.  Because i feel it kids, it is ALMOST here.  “Well then stop talking about it for once and f’n do it already you gddamn lazy jerk0ff!”  Thanks Jim Kohl, i think i will….

RANDOM NONSENSE

-SOOOO despite another birthday coming up i have come to the conclusion that i will never be smart enough to stop biting the skin next to my nails to the point where i rip too much skin off and it f*cking BURNS like a motherf*cker for a few days straight.  i mean i would think by NOW that i would have learned my lesson, but apparently i’m a f*cking moron who never learns things and has to type out his blog in pain while his finger is f*cking killing him.  Stupid me not being smart and in pain.

-So i’d just like to just take a moment here and thank all of the moms out there who still have long hair.  Honestly, you may not realize this but you are an honor and a credit to your race.  For real,  i feel like EVERY woman, as soon as she becomes a mom (or sometimes they don’t even wait that long, it happens IMMEDIATELY after their wedding day) all these beautiful long haired women just chop that $hit off.  “Well i’m a mom now!  i don’t have time to have luxurious gorgeous long hair anymore!  i can’t raise kids AND look attractive!”  Ugh, if there is anything that scares me more about getting married and having kids it’s the thought of my girl chopping her hair off when we tie the knot.  “How about how they will take all of your money in the divorce?”  Well i don’t have any money yet so as of now short hair is still my biggest concern.  And don’t get me wrong, not ALL of you look bad in short hair.  There is easily 1 to 2% of you that can actually pull off the short haired look.  But to the rest of you… YOU ALL LOOK BETTER WITH LONG HAIR!!!  Every guy thinks this and knows this but not every guy has the balls to say it.  i know all of my friends with wives are silently agreeing with everything i’m saying, and i will write this here on this blog because it has to be said!  So ladies, chop off your hair if you must.  Just know that the rest of society wishes you had done otherwise. 

So i was gonna go the Sinead O’Connor route just now but i figured i’d go Britney Spears instead.  Does anyone remember Sinead O’Connor?  If you are a girl and you remember her then chances are you are too old for me to date.  And does anyone remember when Sinead’s video for “Nothing compares to you” won video of the year at the 1990 MTV music awards?  And that it beat out Aerosmith’s “Jamie’s Got a Gun video”?  Which is f’n crazy because that Aerosmith video was like a mini movie about incest between a dad and his daughter and it had a crazy plot and a huge budget and was a visual masterpiece.  Whereas “Nothing Compares to You” was just a video of Sinead’s bald head crying over some guy who left her.  And i mean don’t get me wrong, it’s a FANTASTIC song, the video is just garbage and didn’t deserve to win that award.  And obviously i’m not bitter about it at ALL since i’ve obviously forgotten all about that…

ONE HITTERS: All my friends and family members that like and would vote for Mitt Romney are exactly the type of people i would think that would vote for and like Mitt Romney.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – To all of the couples who sit on the same side of a booth at a restaurant when it is only the two of you… f’n grow up already!  “Whoo hoo we’re so in love!  We need to sit next to each other when we’re out because that shows how much in love we are with each other!!!”  No it doesn’t.  It’s immature insecure garbage and you look like aholes.  And this is obviously the girls idea because no guy would ever suggest that.  Alright fine, some guys would but only guys that are complete pu$$ys that will do whatever lame ass bull$hit their girlfriend suggests.  But for us hetero guys, sitting right next to your girl when it is just the two of you is straight up awfulness.  Not to mention impractical because it’s a million times easier to talk so someone when you can look right across at them!  i don’t know if i personally know of any couples that submit to this horrific trend, but if i do please let me know so i can make sure to ignore you both forever.  When i see couples that do this i don’t want them to die but i do hope they get food poisoning and end up on the bowl for hours.  Hey, maybe you can find a bathroom with two toilet bowls right next to each other so you can hold hands while you deuce yourself to no end… now THAT is love!

Fast food tips – The Treat receipt deal at Starbucks is back!  That’s right my friends, anyone who purchases a drink in the morning can bring in their receipt after 2 p.m. and enjoy any Grande cold beverage for just $2!  And that’s a great deal because i’ll admit Starbucks is MAD expensive.  But it is also so much better then coffee anywhere else that it’s not even funny.  Dunkin Donuts could ALWAYS sell their coffee for two beans and i still wouldn’t get that garbage.  And did you like how i said “beans” in reference to coffee?  i thought that was pretty smart.  “Oh i thought you said “beans” because you are Mexican!”  Oh yeah??  Why don’t you suck on these treats???  And enjoy your two dollar coffee when you’re done!

And that’s it for me today kids.  i’ll give it a B plus because even though my heart wasn’t 100% in it there was some still funny f*cking jokes in there.  And that Sinead O’Conner bit is one i’ve had in my head since 1990 so it was nice to finally get that out there even though no one gets it. 
But i hope everyone’s having a great week, i got my birthday party on Friday, a fantasy football draft on Saturday and ANOTHER fantasy football draft on Sunday which is my actual birthday so i can’t f’n wait to get to the weekend!  And i’m sure you can’t either but at least i helped you pass some of the time with this hilarious B plus blog!
Cya on Friday… – miguel jo$é
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6 Responses to “I’m wearing new contacts. I just had my prescription changed…after six years. You ever wait that long? Then you get new lenses and you’re like "Man, I coulda been seeing things!" How could instantly improved vision not be at the top of your to do list? "Aah, I’ll see tomorrow…I don’t have time. I don’t have time!…to see clearly. – Brian Regan”

  1. Anonymous August 14, 2012 at 4:16 pm #

    :).MJ–I cannot agree enough with you about the “mom chop” hair. So many women do it and I want to scream. It's like they've totally thrown in the towel and given up just because there is a ring on their finger and a toddler attached to the hip. Next come the yoga or sweat pants and then they stop shaving their legs and waxing their nether regions. It remind me of a Seinfeld episode where Jerry says “You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world,I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.” These women wonder why their husband are checking out the 20 somethings at Twin Peaks and Hooters and goes sniffin' elsewhere. EXACTLY! Ladies don't cut your hair and do your kegels! Keep it tight all around and cook a little homecooked something while your at it. “My mother said it was simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I said I'd hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit”–Jerry Hall 🙂
    Have a great weekend MJ And get your ass into stand-up!

    Like

  2. Miguel José August 14, 2012 at 5:17 pm #

    Damnit, i should have used that Jerry quote to start off my blog it fit even better! And you are one in a million with your views on marriage, i feel like it comes off bad when i say it but when you say it i can just agree with everything 🙂

    i will def have a money weekend and i wish you were around to hang out! Definitely next time though 🙂

    Like

  3. Jim August 14, 2012 at 6:16 pm #

    I think next to school girl Brittany, crazy Brittany was my favorite… shaving her head, vag hanging out, kids left and right, 2 marriages… that's the Brit I loved.

    Like

  4. Miguel José August 14, 2012 at 6:21 pm #

    crazy i can dig, once the kids happened i was OUT!

    Kids are automatic wall, if you're a normal girl you hit the wall at 25 but once you have kids the wall has been hit, there is no coming back. And those aren't my rules they are Gods so blame him

    Like

  5. Anonymous August 15, 2012 at 1:54 pm #

    I was at Starbucks at literally 1:55 pm getting coffee for my parents and as the barista gave me my receipt she snatched it back out of my hands and goes “treat receipt” so I was like huh?? Not realizing the time – i went to put a little milk in my moms coffee when I looked at my phone and realized it was now 1:57 and I literally waited 3 minutes and got a 5.25$ drink for $2.14 and it was literally the happiest moment of my life – like a kid on Christmas – tha treat receipt made my day!!! -Gathy

    Like

  6. Miguel José August 16, 2012 at 7:13 pm #

    We're “Catnapped”

    Like

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