It’s only lies that i’m living, it’s only tears that i’m crying. It’s only you that i’m losing, guess i’m doing fine.. Beck "Guess i’m Doing Fine"

10 Aug

What is up kids?

Another Friday is upon us, which means somehow someway we survived another week, one more week of staying alive!  To me that is a victory, and  to be honest the way this week went i’ll take it.  But speaking of being alive another week…

So yeah my birthday is coming up soon ( it’s August 19th… i want presents and/or cake!  A chocolate Ice cream cake to be exact!) and as i get closer and closer to my death and the years keep flying by i’ve been getting depressed about it.  Not so much the getting older thing, but the fact that it just gets creepier and creepier every year for me to try and date high school girls.  But if there is one thing i’m learning as i get older (and trust me, i am barely learning ANYTHING), it’s that you truly need to cherish the great relationships that you make in this life.  Because trust me kids, meeting cool people that affect you in a positive way and make your world a better place to live in does NOT happen that many times in your life. 

When you’re younger people go in and out of your life all the time, so you kinda just expect that trend to never stop.  But then at some point when you get older you realize “i haven’t met a cool person in the last decade!”  So when i am lucky enough to meet someone like my friend Kari, who for some unbelievable reason i was lucky enough to sit next to at work when she first started here, it’s such a hard thing to deal with they leave your life for whatever reason.  For Kari her reason was to move back to her home state of Nebraska to start a family with her awesome husband Brian.  Ad while that was a fantastic life choice for her, and now that she has a beautiful son i know her little family could not possibly be happier, me who was left behind never truly got over it and i can honestly say that every single day she is missed. 

Kari is one of the few people in my life that can always see through my bull$hit and nonsense and really break things down to me in a way that i need to see them.  When most other people give me suggestions or call me out on stuff i take offense to it right away and am immediately overly defensive and i stop listening to any point they are trying to make.  Basically i’m a stubborn ahole who rarely takes advice because my fragile ego cannot handle criticism.  But with Kari, even in those times where she would be disappointed in me she would still never judge me which few if any people on this planet can do.  She’d be my biggest fan and laugh at my jokes when i was being genuinely funny, but she’d also be the first to call me out when i was completely full of $hit.  Although even when she did so she never did it in a way that was unkind.  And i have to say that is very rare for me, having someone in my life who’s opinion that i always respect even to the point where when they tell me things that are hard for me to hear that i can actually just listen to what she is saying and not just be a childish ahole about it.  And i just told you my birthday is next Sunday which makes me a Leo.  Obviously i’m an egotistical maniac who needs constant attention and can’t handle criticism.  It’s in my f’n blood for crying out loud!

But anyways, the reason i bring this up is because i’ve had a lot on my dome these days and i’ve just been evaluating my life in general.  And while overall i’m pretty happy with where i’m at, the one thing that bothers me is losing touch with those that i was truly close with.   i mean i get that in life it’s impossible to keep up with EVERYONE, but there are certain people that made my life truly better by them being in it, and Kari is definitely one of those people.  But the other reason i bring this up is because out of nowhere she sent me a message just saying “hi” the other day and she was wondering if i had forgotten about her.  So i’m here to say in this blog that i haven’t forgotten her and never will!  For real, the only real problem with meeting an amazing person like Kari is that she set the bar so high on the human race that no one else i meet can live up to those standards.  It’d be like starting a basketball team and your first player was Michael Jordan, the rest of your career you would see all these players come and go and some of them would be okay and some would be God awful.  But in the end you know no one could compare to that greatness you saw the first time, and that is how i feel about Kari. 

We’ve lost touch at this point in our lives for the most part, for no other reason that we live so far away and our normal everyday lives are just filled with garbage and nonsense and you just get used to not talking everyday i guess.  And with most people that’s fine for me.  i mean honestly, what am i going to do?  Keep in touch with every single last stupid one of you???  But that message she sent me the other day meant the world to me, and if the least i can do is tell the world through my blog how f’n money that girl is well then that’s what i’m gonna do!  You are the moneyest Kari and i miss you tons!!!  XOXOXOXOOXOX


-So if you’ve noticed and i’m sure you haven’t,  i haven’t really said anything about the Olympics in my blog.  And there is a reason for that, the reason being that i hate the Olympics.  Although that might be too strong of a word, because if i say i “hate” the Olympics that means i really care one way or the other when they are on and i really don’t.  i mean don’t get me wrong, i’m a big fan of watching children who spent their entire lives practicing one dumb sport no one cares about for 3 1/2 years at a time, only to then grow up and not have any real life or people skills and to be completely forgotten by the next Olympics.  But yeah, i just really don’t care about the summer or winter Olympics and therefore you get no comedy on the subject.  Although if they REALLY wanted to get me interested in the Olympics they would have Olympic beer pong already!   How do they not have this as an Olympic sport yet??  It is the perfect test of sports and skills and intelligence!  And drinking!!  Could you imagine how f’n incredible that would be??  i don’t give a flying f*ck if our country is the best in diving or on the balance beam or any of that other ridiculous nonsense.  But you can bet your ASS my face would be painted red white and blue if we were in the beer pong finals for the gold medal!  LET’S GO US AND A!!!!

ONE HITTERS:  If my last name were “Crunch”, i would do everything in my power to obtain Captaincy in one of our armed forces.

“Whoo hoo new bit!! Let me guess, you’ll do it once and then give up forever?”  Actually ahole, it’s called One hitter”s”, as in more then one.  But yeah i have a decent amount of bits that are only one line that i never use so i’m gonna just hit you up nice and quick with these when i feel like it, just like taking one hit of the dugout.  “So i get that you have bits that are only one line, but do you have any bits that are only one line but also funny?  And have you realized that just by trying to explain your “one line bit” that this is now a full paragraph and it is just as long if not longer then all of your normal unfunny jokes?  You BLEW it!! You can’t do anything right!!!”  No, no i can’t.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – i think non-identical twins are ghetto.  Not like i hate them or anything, but if you’re twins but you are not identical i’m not impressed.  i guess if it’s a girl and guy it’s kinda cool, because i guess you couldn’t be identical as a boy and girl because of boobs and a penis and vagine i guess.  But if it’s two brothers and two sisters and they are twins but not identical it does nothing for me.  You might as well not be twins for all i care.  Or you can tell me you are, but deep inside i just won’t believe it even if it’s true.  i’m pretty sure no one else will feel the same way about this as me so i don’t know why i wrote it but i did and i’m okay with it. 

Fast food tips – So if you think the biggest problem about fast food is that it’s not classy enough for you well then do i have some new items that will make you deuce your pants with champagne and caviar.  Literally!  Because Wendy’s in Japan is now serving burgers with Lobster and Caviar, a meal so classy you’ll cover your britches in Grey Poupon.  These items have been introduced as their “Ocean” premium component of their “Japan Premium line” which already includes Rossini Burgers and truffle and porcini chicken sandwiches.  So you fancy huh?  Anyways, there’s the “Lobster and Caviar Burger” that comes with caviar and Canadian lobster.  Notice i didn’t say “burger” because there is no burger in that piece.  Way to go Japan.  And then there’s the “Surf and Turf Burger” with a hamburger patty topped with chunks of lobster and some lobster salad.  Both these seafood delights will cost around $16 U.S. dollars and that’s not counting the toilet paper you will need to buy for eating Seafood at Wendy’s.  There is also the “Ocean Premium Salad” with lobster, egg, avocado, caviar, and onion for about $20.  So if you want a fancy dinner but you still want to go to a drive through, make sure you hit up a Wendy’s in Japan.  i’m loving it!

“Facebook etiquette”- Facebook HAS to come up with a new feature for people to set up events.  Because as it stands now, everybody gets an invite to every single dumb stupid thing ever so no one every pays attention to them.  The pointless “Come see me at work!” invite.  The “Candle party at my house!” invite that nobody wants to go to.  The “Marathon for Children with Cancer” invite that people ignore immediately.  Pretty much NONE of those things are important!  But then i send out my birthday party invite on Facebook and literally nobody knows what i’m talking about because everyone is so used to ignoring these things!!  So they should keep the regular FB invites for your candle party and cancer kid nonsense, but then there should be an IMPORTANT FB invite for things like my birthday party and Fantasy football drafts and things of that sort.  So hook it up already Zuckerberg…

Speaking of my birthday, since more of you read my blog then respond to those FB invites i’ll just let you all know i am celebrating my birthday NEXT Friday August 17th at Copia in NYC.  Hopefully doing an open bar i think, but if you’re interested in that you can email me separtately i’m not putting everything on my blog.  But yeah i’ll be the drunken sweaty Mexican guy dancing on the bar with no pants.  “So WAIT… they let you drink and dance at the bar on the same nights you are bussing tables and cleaning dishes??”

Wow, so i guess the older i get the racism just gets worse. But whatever, call me all the names you want just buy me some shots already!!!

But that’s it for me kids, have a great weekend and i will see you next Tuesday!  – miguel jo$é


14 Responses to “It’s only lies that i’m living, it’s only tears that i’m crying. It’s only you that i’m losing, guess i’m doing fine.. Beck "Guess i’m Doing Fine"”

  1. Jim August 10, 2012 at 3:52 pm #

    Yeah, fuck fraternal twins.


  2. Anonymous August 10, 2012 at 6:01 pm #

    Once again you delivered the goods. Miguel Jose–you are really farkin' funny and you need to be on a stage and break into stand-up(no joke). You're good at this.


  3. Miguel José August 10, 2012 at 6:11 pm #

    straight up GHETTO


  4. Miguel José August 10, 2012 at 6:12 pm #

    Thank you Anonymous! Stand up is my dream and hopefully i make it happen soon. But till then my insane ramblings will just have to stay on my blog haha 🙂


  5. Kenny"O" August 10, 2012 at 8:05 pm #

    I agree that Kari is cool and all but this was a little gay, haha. I still love you and this blog though. Wait, I guess that's kinda gay too. Oh well .


  6. Anonymous August 10, 2012 at 8:20 pm #

    sieg WHOOOO.


  7. Miguel José August 10, 2012 at 8:31 pm #

    haha well besides Kari being money enough to deserve her own blog you know once these fantasy football drafts start all my blogs will be about football, drafting, pong, boozing, eating my face off and puking and deucing my brains out. i might as well be gay now!


  8. Miguel José August 10, 2012 at 8:31 pm #

    hmmm this says “Anonymous” but i have a guess who this is…



  9. Leigh August 10, 2012 at 8:37 pm #

    I agree Kari is awesome… Maybe this blog post will get her to come back for visit. If she does send me the FB invite, maybe I will respond to that.


  10. Anonymous August 10, 2012 at 9:33 pm #

    Anonymous is a mombooker


  11. Miguel José August 11, 2012 at 8:34 pm #

    Oh jeez don't tell Erin she HATES mombookers!


  12. Miguel José August 11, 2012 at 8:35 pm #

    Haha i will def send you the FB invite! And once you teach me how to do twitter i'll tweet you the news as well…


  13. She So Funny August 13, 2012 at 7:55 pm #

    I just grey pouponed my britches!! effin' frat twins suck my Chitties


  14. Miguel José August 16, 2012 at 7:14 pm #

    i'm so glad i reposted that Twin bit. No one said ANYTHING the first time and i love that bit haha


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