We have white people problems in America. You know what that is? That’s where your life is amazing, so you just make $hit up to be upset about. People in other countries have real problems, like, ‘Oh $hit, they’re cutting off all our heads today!’ things like that. Here we make $hit up to be upset about like, ‘How come I have to choose a language on the ATM machine? It’s bull$hit. I shouldn’t have to do that! I’m American!’ The $hit we bitch about… – Louis C.K.

7 Aug

What is up kids?

How’s everyone feeling today?  i gotta admit i’m doing pretty money at the moment.  After a fantastic four day weekend filled with all sorts of tomfoolery and ballyhoo, today i find myself back at work for the first time since last Thursday.  But if you notice, i won’t be one of those fools who get all depressed about it and post about it on Facebook.  “i can’t believe i have to come back to work after a week in paradise!!”  Oh really, because some of us DIDN’T get a week off to relax at some beautiful resort or on some luxurious cruise.  Some of us stayed here at work and handled all of your $hit while you were away (on top of already doing all of our own $hit) and we still have to be at work today!  So if i had to pick my coming in today when i’ve already been here all summer, or if i got to choose the amazing vacation that you were lucky enough to have and then come to work after that i’m thinking that i would probably choose the latter.  The only difference is that’d i’d shut my gddamn mouth about it when i came back to work and just be appreciative of the great times i had and not be a selfish ahole about everything!

WHOA!  i have to Joey Lawrence this blog immediately.  That was kind of an overly bitter way to start off today’s blog, don’t ya think?  Let’s be real here… so alright fine, i’m in a $hit mood because i’m at work today, are you happy??  To think, only a few hours ago i was away from this hell hole and getting pants off drunk with my friends alone in a cabin!  Wait, that sounded a little gayer then what it actually was.  What i meant to say was i shared a cabin with my closest and best friends, and we all laughed and told stories and even kept secrets and did all sorts of things we promised to never tell anyone about!  Wait, is that an even gayer way of explaining my weekend?  i mean it’s all true, all of us guys shared a roof and ate every meal together and took showers and sung songs around the campfire and i even roasted some marshmallows!  Or at least i think those were roasted marshmallows because that melty creamy white substance sure tasted good going down my throat and …

WHOA!  i need to say for the record we are not gay!  i am not gay!  A lot of these guys have wives and kids, there’s no way their spouses need to read anything that may or may not prove some suspicions they’ve been having about their husbands for years.  i mean sure it’s kind of strange that the same 6 guys go away EVERY year.  And no one ever takes pictures or tells any real stories to anyone or brings the trip up ever again until it’s time to go again the following year. And sure for years we exaggerated about the cell phone reception and that for some reason we couldn’t get any service the entire 3 days we were there so we could not be reached or bothered by anyone.  And yeah all these guys were best men in each others weddings and seem to have a “crazy” connection where they constantly make inside jokes and references none of the other wives seem to understand either.  And yeah maybe their favorite movie is “Brokeback Mountain” and one of them actually admitted that they truly do like the taste of penis and he was sure at least 2 or more of our camping group felt the same way and…
WHOA!  There is no WAY that just happened!   Was there really three Joey Lawrence WHOAS! dropped today in the same blog??  You are correct sir, that just happened.  And i know Kohl gets mad when i quote from the same 3 comedians each blog (even though today’s TOTALLY fits in to my point and all the quotes i use are the gddamn money!) but i also know he was impressed by Tres Whoas! with the exclamation point being Joey Lawrence holding up a WHOA years later after the show ended.  And while i know that impressed Kohl, my boy Jewell is wondering how i didn’t even drop an album cover, or even him wearing a flannel around his waste! Well i try not to disappoint so here you go mi hermano!
So alright fine, i can admit that i’ve had Joey Lawrence on my brain lately.  i can admit that now.  Let’s just say during camping after a bunch of beers and a bottle of vodka or so we asked a “joke” question about who we thought was the sexiest teen heartthrob from a 90’s sitcom and i “jokingly” said Joey Lawrence out of nowhere.  But it was just kind of funny to me because i haven’t thought about that show in years and it’s almost odd that all it took was a a bottle of  vodka to finally admit my crush.  But you know how they say sometimes the truth comes out when you drink?  Now i’m wondering if i really do like men and it just makes me think that maybe…
WHOA!  Jeebus CHRISTMAS that’s about enough gay talk for one blog, don’t ya think?  On to the Nonsense!!

                        

RANDOM NONSENSE

-Why do gyms always do things like have “Pizza day” every first Monday of the month?  Does this make sense to anyone?  i literally only go to the gym because i do things like eat pizza every gddamn day, now you’re gonna offer it to me at the same place i’m trying to lose weight?  That’d be like the Betty Ford Clinic having “Open Bar Saturday nights!”   And none of this reasoning even includes the fact that the only way to make a gym full of disgusting sweaty dudes smell even worse is to make the place smell like sweaty disgusting dudes AND pepperroni.   i guess it wouldn’t make any sense to have free healthy smoothie day or protein shake day huh?  Oh well, give me two plain and a sausage please and hand it to me on the treadmill!

Shows you SHOULD be watching! So “LOST” is the greatest show of all time.  It’s not even close, and don’t argue with me because i watch a LOT of T.V.  And i love a bunch of other shows too so it’s not like i haven’t thought heavily about this.  Personally i think “Arrested Development” is probably the best comedy show of all time, although “Always Sunny” and “The Chappelle Show” are right up there with them.  “Breaking Bad” is also incredible, with by far the best acting of any show that i’ve ever seen in my life.  But LOST is on a world of it’s own, nothing has and most likely never will come close to how incredible that show was.  And if you haven’t seen it yet or you saw it and you didn’t dig it then you are blowing it in life.  But more importantly then all of that, i ran across some pictures of the actress who played “Kate” on the show and once my penis was done sobbing tears of joy i got to my computer and copied those pics so i could put them on my blog!  We have to go back…
So i guess these pics were from 2006 or something?  i don’t care, i didn’t do too much research other then the heavy research that was done in my pants.  Let’s just say the polls show these pics are fantastic.  Oh wait my bad, the pole showed that the one viewer in my pantalones had his arm raised in a strong show of support of these pics.  
THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED. THIS IS REAL LIFE: So apparently there is a sex tape of Minka Kelly that is currently being shopped around by an old boyfriend of hers.  And apparently the only problem with the release of this video is that she may have only been 17 when the tape was made and not 18 like her ex is claiming.  And apparently my penis just exploded right now as i had just written THE HOTTEST SENTENCE THAT WAS EVER WRITTEN IN THIS BLOG OR IN ANYTHING EVER!!!!  Really?  A sex tape with Minka Kelly???  Where’s she only either 17 or 18???  i’d literally kill someone to be able to see that video. And someone close to me, like anyone i went on that camping with this past weekend.  No joke, they are all my best friends and i’d have no problem watching them die with my hands around their throat and me laughing in glee knowing i was going to be able to see that video.  In fact, i would kill ALL of those guys just to see that video once, and the sad part is i have an awful memory and would probably forget it.  But it’d be worth it my friends, because she’s in my all time top 3, possibly top two girls on the planet.  Yes Jenna Haze is still number one but Minka is a CLOSE second…
“So does miguel really think that by posting all of these pictures of hot girls that we are going to forget the gay comments he made about Joey Lawrence?”  No, no i don’t.  Although apparently even my family has caught on to how young i prefer my next girlfriend to be because this is the kind of post i get from my brother Tomas on my Facebook page the other day.  Thanks little bro!
Fast food tips – Not since the orgasmic invention of the Mcgriddle has a fast food breakfast item taken the world by storm with such a small yet brilliant idea.  The breakfast sandwiches at Quick Chek were already the money, but now you can make any breakfast sandwich a “BIG” breakfast sandwich.  “And how do i do that miguel?”  Do you mean besides just waiting 3 f’n seconds for me to just explain it?  Because if you could have just relaxed for a hot one i would have told you that when you make a breakfast sandwich a BIG sandwich at Quick Chek they will put a hash brown on the sandwich for you. From the delicious breakfast english muffin, to the breakfast club and the breakfast cheesesteak, all you need to do is add the word “BIG” to your order to add a hash brown on top of the sandwich, as well as add a bulge and possible wet spot in your pants.  A BIG wet spot!  Alright that last part was pretty disgusting but when you drag your hungover a$$ to Quick Chek in hopes of the fatty greasy medicine fixing the pain in your stomach you will order this and give me a BIG thank you later!!
ANNND i’m spent.  Man my blogs are getting wackier and wackier!  But i see my readership is picking up so apparently i’m doing something right.  But thanks for reading everyone and keep making comments because i think they are fun as hell and make this blog more… fun.  Alright i’m done writing, see you kids on Friday! 
– miguel jo$é
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4 Responses to “We have white people problems in America. You know what that is? That’s where your life is amazing, so you just make $hit up to be upset about. People in other countries have real problems, like, ‘Oh $hit, they’re cutting off all our heads today!’ things like that. Here we make $hit up to be upset about like, ‘How come I have to choose a language on the ATM machine? It’s bull$hit. I shouldn’t have to do that! I’m American!’ The $hit we bitch about… – Louis C.K.”

  1. Jim August 7, 2012 at 7:19 pm #

    This blog is so gay, it made Jonathan Taylor Thomas look straight.

    Like

  2. Miguel José August 7, 2012 at 7:51 pm #

    If you mean gay as in happy, then you clearly didn't read this blog because it was gayer then Monroe on Too Close for Comfort. “He wasn't gay he was flamboyant!” Wow, now you interrupt me on my blog comments? That's pretty jerk buddy

    Like

  3. Captain.Banana.Split August 9, 2012 at 5:37 pm #

    I would never have sex with a guy cuz I'm not gay. But IF I did I would probably stare at his lats the whole time. Man, Joey Lawrence's lats should have their own fan site. sig WHOA.

    Like

  4. Miguel José August 10, 2012 at 12:17 pm #

    You know how had surprisingly nice lats? Blossom

    Like

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