I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called, "The Bus That couldn’t Slow Down."–Homer Simpson

What is up movie lovers?

Jeebus Crapballs it is gddamn AUGUST already???  Can someone please tell me how my life is flying by so fast?  First the summer just started 3 days ago and now the next thing i know it’s only a matter of time before my fantasy football league drafts start.  Honestly, i feel like it was only just yesterday that i was still in high school, still with my first love, still a virgin, and still working at that movie theater…

That’s the money segway right there.  And me calling it out only made it more money!  But anyways, you all know i worked at a movie theater.  Wait, you don’t?? C’mon, i LITERALLY just told you about this last Friday!  Although no one reads my Friday blogs so maybe you don’t know, who knows.  If you did you’d know i’m stalling in this beginning part the same way i did last Friday.   Mostly to make this rant long enough because what i really would like to be doing right now is to stop writing this blog and then go to sleep so i can wake up and go on my annual camping trip that i do with my boys from college.   And i’ll let you know the DEBAUCHERY that happens this weekend as soon i get back for Tuesday’s blog, which will be one you won’t want to miss!

But before that, i need to tell you one other way that i scammed money when working at the movie theater back in the day.  And Stefanie, i’m not gonna lie… you shouldn’t read this bit.  So i’m gonna do you a favor since you’re such a sweetheart, i’m gonna put up a picture of Ben Affleck which will be my signal to you to skip ahead.  Keep scrolling down until you see ANOTHER picture of Ben Affleck which means i’m done with today’s rant and it is safe for you to continue reading.  Aren’t i the nicest f*cking guy ever??  But yeah if i could get out of saying what i’m about to say i would, but it’s too late now so here goes…

So if you remember the original scam, basically what i said was that me as the ticket holder would work together with the guy selling tickets and we would resell movie tickets.  He would sell the tickets up front, the customer would bring them to me the ticket taker, and instead of ripping the tickets and giving them their stub i would take the entire ticket, tell them which theater to go to, go back up to the box office and give the already sold tickets back to the guy in the booth.  He’d then resell them $hits and then we’d pocket the cash.  Nothing went through the computer system, nothing was trackable, and it was a fantastic scam and i did it as much as i could.  “But what if you were not working as the ticket holder and box office guy that night but instead sold concessions miguel?  How would you try and scam money then?”  i’m not gonna lie, that’s the money segway right there.  And you calling it out only made it more money!

But you do have a point, how did i scam money when i was working at the concession stand?  Well i’ll tell you my friends, i resold garbage.  And no i’m not lying, i would take used popcorn bags and buckets as well as used soda cups out of the trash, wash them out as best i could, and then i would resell those $hits.  See, the computer system kept track of the popcorn bags and buckets the same way in kept track of the tickets being sold.  So the only way to beat the system was to reuse our resources!  And it didn’t really seem so bad to me back then, but now that i’m writing it it does sound pretty f’n disgusting.  i mean it wasn’t like we were reselling the unused popcorn, we weren’t that raw.  We would just reuse the bag and/or bucket the popcorn came in, so it’s not THAT horrific… right?

OMF’NGOD mIGUEL YOU ARE THE WORST GDDAMN PERSON EVER!!!!!  THAT IS THE GROSSEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE!!  AND I WATCHED THE SEASON FINALE OF TOSH.O THIS WEEK WHEN HIM AND HIS WHOLE STAFF WERE PUKING ON THE TILT A WHIRL AND THAT KID SPLIT HIS LEG OPEN! *spoiler alert!*

Well, does it make you feel any better to know that those combos at the theater cost like 10 beans, so every time i pulled this scam i made 10 beans tax free?  Think about that, whatever i made an hour which was probably minimum wage was also taxed.  That 10 beans i would get for selling you garbage while you were completely unaware and would have gone through life without ever knowing what happened unless i brought it up right now in this blog, that 10 dollars was free cash and if you did that enough times in a night you were making some serious duckets!  So for real everyone, i know you might be mad and disgusted at me right now but just remember, don’t hate the player, hate that game “Words with Friends.”  Whoo hoo i’m doing homework online under the guise of a game!  No thanks jerks!

But alright, i’ll admit one last painful thing.  And that is for the most part when we pulled this scam we would try to only use bags or cups that weren’t horrifically disgusting.  Basically we tried to resuse bags that people wouldn’t realize were being reused because they were in pretty good shape.  But sometimes, just sometimes, we would resell a bag that had butter in it and it’d be all greasey and disgusting and the people still wouldn’t even realize and OMG i AM GOING FOR HELL FOR DOING THIS AND NOW ADMITTING IT ON THIS BLOG!!  Or maybe i’m there already, can anyone take how f’n hot and humid out it is these days?  Jeebus f’n CRAPBALLS i feel like i’m living on the Equator!

So yeah that was my disgusting movie secret and thus ends part 2 of my movie spectacular.  And by movie spectacular i mean basically just admitted on my blog that i was a lying cheating thief even when i was back in high school.  Did all that hype i put on my “secret” pay off in the end?  i think so, i knew this entire time that i was going to write about this scam but now that it is officially on my blog i’m assuming i’m either gonna gain a lot of new readers or lose a whole bunch of new readers.  Or maybe i’ll win them back with my Random Nonsense!!  i guess it’s worth a shot.  Oh and speaking of winning them back, i guess i can let Stef know she can read the rest of my blog now!

RANDOM NONSENSE

-And oh yeah.  For the record, both girls that i called out last blog for being overly defensive of Ben Affleck when i didn’t even really say anything, both those girls admitted “Gigli” was his worst movie except they both blamed J Lo for that.  Really?  You’re gonna blame the Hispanic for that bomb?  Because that’s pretty gddamn racist.  So you thought J Lo was the worse actress ever in history in that film, but Ben Affleck should have been up for the Oscar that year?  C’mon ladies, first you rush to defend your crush when he isn’t being attacked and then you IMMEDIATELY blame the minority for the worst movie ever.  You two have a lot of growing up to do…

-So i need to say this for the record, girls at the mall are just TOO young for me.  They aren’t even like “ha ha” inappropriate jokes on my blog just for “shock” value too young, they are just straight up TOO young.  i don’t even have a bit for this, i do not have a punchline for this paragraph AT ALL.  But i don’t think it’s right for me to go to the mall by myself anymore.  At least not with some sort of police escort, possibly in handcuffs.  And blindfolded.  But yeah for real i spent 25 minutes in this store “Claires” and you would NOT believe the looks i would keep getting when i kept standing in line at the fitting room…

Alright i’m not gonna lie, that bit is RAW for no other reason then to be raw.  But it’s still kinda funny, because obviously it’s not true.  Well the Claires part i mean, girls at the mall are definitely TOO young for me.  But sometimes it’s fun to be shocking, it’s definitely easier then being witty sometimes that’s for sure. And i told you i have my camping trip tomorrow and my brain is frizzied  from the awful long work week so lay off me i’m starving!

-Why do they still sell pickles in glass jars?  In fact, why would you sell ANYTHING in glass jars?  Who’s the one thinking, “well we could sell it in a plastic jar and it’d be cheaper and it would never break if the customer did something crazy like drive the product home and take it into his house from his car.  OR we could just put these pickles in glass so when they hit that huge pothole on the way home from work and the glass shatters in the trunk because you did such a poor packing job and your car now smells like pickle juice for the rest of you life.  Way to go deeks!

-Speaking of potholes, isn’t that an awful name for them? i mean, i would expect a pothole something called a “pothole”to be full of pot.  They should really be called “road”holes because they are holes in the road!  Except by my own rationale that would mean i would expect those holes to be full of road and that doesn’t make sense.  Neither does this bit.  Can anyone else tell how tired i am?

-What kind of person eats an “old fashioned” donut.  What are you from the 1950’s?  Do you like that oldschool “non” filtered water as well?  Or that uninspected non FDA approved meat?  Ugh, that drives me nuts.  All the amazing donut options in the world and you choose the most boring one ever.  If you choose an old fashioned donut my guess is you didn’t really want a donut and in fact you wanted a plain old piece of white bread, the kind of white bread i’m guessing your entire family history line follows.  And by the way, if you’re a girl and you like the old fashioned donut my guess is you don’t swallow when you give blow jobs. “Well of course she doesn’t!  If she did she would like her donuts glazed or cream filled!”  Did you just do my punchline for me?  Well thank you, i’m exhausted and i appreciate the help.

Fast food tips – Alright, ONE last bit on Chick-fil-A.  Although now that i think about it, i don’t really know if i took a stand on this issue.  It seems like there are people out there who think it’s wrong for the owner to be against gay marriage and won’t support his product.  There are the others that believe in free speech and went to Chick-fil-A on Wednesday to support their belief in the 1st amendment.  And there are others who think that it’s the stupidest thing ever to turn a heated debate and discussion such as this into nothing more then a fast food fight over a serious issue.  So which side am i on?  i’m on the side that makes fun of all of this nonsense but will personally not eat chick-fil-A anymore.  But i don’t need to broadcast that (other then right now on this blog),  i just don’t find the need to support businesses who feel that way.  But in addition, i do think he’s allowed to say what he did and i don’t think that his business should be closed or anything.  Personally i just won’t eat there myself, because f*ck that guy and Popeye’s has the best chicken anyways.  But don’t listen to me on this issue!  You should watch “Chaz, the Intolerant Chick-Fil-A Chicken” on Conan!  The clip is less then 3 minutes but it’s absolutely hilarious, enjoy!

Chaz the Intolerant Chick-Fil-A Chicken

Alright i am DONE kids.  In a couple of hours i will be on the road to the house i’m sharing with 5 other dudes, which sounds pretty gay but trust me it’s not.  It’s REALLY gay… but yeah this camping trip is an annual tradition and i’m going on my 12th year or so of doing it and i can’t f’n wait!  So have a great weekend everyone.  And if you go to the movies and order popcorn just make sure you check out the bag.  Because if there is greasy butter stains on it and you didn’t order any butter…

-miguel jo$e