Black movies don’t have real names. You get names like "Barbershop". That’s not a name, that’s a location! "Barbershop", "Cookout", "Car Wash"…you know "Laundromat" is coming soon. And after that "Check Cashing Place." – Chris Rock hosting the Oscars

27 Jul

What is up movie goers?

Happy gddamn Friday!  i can’t believe we finally made it, i NEVER thought we’d make it to the end of this horrifically long week!  i mean honestly, can anyone explain to me how it is possible that this summer is absolutely FLYING by, but at the same time this was the longest week in my life EVER?  i’m definitely ain’t no math wizard but something doesn’t add up!  “And Lord knows you’re not an English major either you grammatical nightmare!” No, no i’m not.  But i am definitely gooder enough at English to tell you a little story about my days when i worked at a movie theater.  i wrote a blog about it.  Want to hear it hear it goes…  (That’s already two David Alan Grier references today, that’s gotta be a record Jewell.)

Anyways, back in the day when i was still dating my first love in high school (and i wasn’t writing murderously depressing and embarrassing love letters trying to get her back), i used to work at a movie theater.  For the sake of not getting sued or arrested for what i’m about to reveal i won’t bring up the where and when of it all, but it was back in 1998 and it was at an AMC theater.  NO!!  i mean it was in 2003 and it was at a Fandango theater.  i mean NO!  i’ve never worked at a movie theater ever!!!

Alright whatever, i’m just going to admit a bunch of things about that job that i’ve never really talked about ever.  And if the cops can figure out who i am in real life and trace me back to the scene of the crime from almost 20 years ago, and then PROVE in a court of law that what i’m about to talk about actually happened, and that all of this isn’t just me making up jokes on my comedy blog then good for you Officer Dickface!  You truly made the world a safer place!  “Of course he did! Whenever you take a Mexican off of the street we all feel safer!”  That’s some pretty racist $hit there buddy, but it won’t stop me from talking about some stuff  that i personally find pretty funny and entertaining.  So i’m going to go into it now.

i say “used to” because i’m guessing by now you can’t pull this kind of $hit off anymore.  Between advanced technology and movie corporations getting smarter in their operations, i’m guessing i would never be able to pull off what we used to do in theaters.  “Speaking of what you used to do when you worked in a movie theater, can you just f*cking get to it and explain what the f*ck you’re talking about already instead of your normal nonstop rambling for once in your miserable life?!?!?”  Why yes, yes i can.

The first thing you need to know about working in a movie theater is that your hours SUCK BALLS.  Unlike any normal job where you would get off for certain holidays and/or weekends, the theater is NEVER closed.  It doesn’t matter if it’s Christmas, Thanksgiving, or even my birthday.  That stupid theater was ALWAYS open.  And it was also open late on weekends, so if you’re a high school kid looking for a job but also want a social life my suggestion would be to not work at a movie theater.  And if you’re a high school girl who is looking for an older Hispanic companion to start a discreet relationship with then you can email me personally at: happyhourinc.migueljose@gmail.com

But anyways, as far as stuff that i did that would have gotten me arrested when i worked there let me just say i made MAD duckets scamming the $hit out of that place.  “But miguel, how did you scam them?”  Can you please wait just one hot second and let me get to it already?  Jeebus tap dancing Christ you are super annoying today.  But yeah the main way most of us made our “extra” money was by reselling tickets that we already sold.  Again, the way they do it now in theaters i think it’d be way harder to get away with.  But back in the day, especially in the smaller theaters like the one i worked at it was really a pretty easy and smart scam.  Basically it was a two man operation between the person selling the tickets and the person who rips the ticket stubs, and this is how we did it. Since everything in the theater was automated, every time someone bought tickets it would register in the system.  This way they could tell how many tickets were being sold and how many seats were left in the theater.  So to do this right this scam only really worked for films that would not sell out.  You couldn’t do this scam on say, opening night of the “Avengers” because you would actually sell every ticket and seat to that film and if you did what i’m about to tell you we did we’d get caught.

But anyways, the way it worked is the customers would go to the box office and buy two tickets or whatever and pay for them.  Then they’d come to me who was checking the ticket stubs and telling you what theater to go to.  HOWEVER, instead of ripping up the tickets and giving them back the stubs i would just take them from the person and tell them where to go.  Personally, this trick would have never worked with me as a customer because i keep all of my ticket stubs to all the movies i go to because i’m a nerd.  But most people don’t care when they don’t get a stub back, and 9 times out of 10 if the person taking the tickets just takes them from you most people won’t question it just like they don’t question anything else in their lives.  But yeah as soon as i would take the tickets from those people i would run up to the front, give those tickets back to the guy in the box office and then he would resell them to the next person.  Except this time he could just pocket the money, because since he didn’t need to print out new tickets there was no record of it and we could just pocket the cash.  Pretty genius right?

But again, you had to be careful.  You couldn’t do it TOO much because if you kept reselling the same tickets the manager would probably notice that a theater was almost full but the system only showed 5 tickets being sold haha.  And again, you couldn’t do it for a popular movie because then it actually would sell out and if you were pulling this scam the system would say there are seats available but that theater would be more packed then i’m hoping Sandusky’s ass is by the huge black guy he’s sharing a cell with.  God i f’n hate that child molesting motherf*cker.  But yeah it was a fantastic scam and my only hope is kids are still able to pull it off today because they deserve those extra duckets!

This was the best and easiest way to make money, but there was ONE other way i scammed that place that i will tell you about next Friday.  Today’s blog is long enough, and there should be a build up to this one because what i will tell you next Friday might make you never want to go to a theater again.  You’ve been warned!  So enjoy today’s nonsense and part two of my movie extravaganza will be up next Friday!

RANDOM NONSENSE

-Speaking of going to the movies, i’m pretty sure the only reason cargo shorts were  invented is so that it is a million times easier to sneak in outside food and drinks into a theater.  For real, when i walk into a theater my shorts are filled with tons of tasty treats!  Tasty treats also being my nickname when i worked as a busboy at that gay bar.  You may have heard of it, it’s called “The Blue Oyster Bar” and a lot of cops go there a lot.  But it really is a fantastic place, and very friendly!  And working there wasn’t that much different then working at the movie theater.  It was always dark, the floors were sticky and i had to butter people’s popcorn.  And they had the best salad in town!

.


Alright is there ANYONE who got that reference that didn’t have that theme song playing in their head?  Of course there isn’t, it’s impossible!  So why not drive that point home by listening to this masterpiece!

-What is the point of “i Brake For Animals” bumper stickers?  Because i brake for animals too.  i also brake for people, as well as other cars.  In fact, i usually brake whenever anythings in front of my car that will kill me if i hit it.  Is the point of that bumper sticker that the person loves animals?  Because if it is i would think they’d have a bumper sticker that says “i Love Animals!”  Or does that make too much sense and these people need to be pretentious bags of douche?  They need to be pretentious bags of douche?  Well okay then.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- Speaking of commercials, do you realize what awful brainwashing nonsense they are?  To make my point, commercials have actually convinced people that the word “Cold” makes a beer taste better.  You hear this bull$hit ALL the time.  “Icy Cold” beer.  Bud “Ice”.   Coors light in the Cold Rocky Mountains, with the frozen ice train with the snow and the cold and the ICCCCEEEE… Do you realize what f’n bull$hit that is?  If you don’t realize it, i have a beer i can sell you.  I took a dump in a bottle and put it in the freezer over night.  I call it, “Miguel Jose’s Icy Cold Brown Lager”.  I’ll be honest it tastes like $hit,  but MAN it sure is ICY Cold!!!

Miguel’s Money Movie Review: “Dazed and Confused” is a fantastic movie, and one of the best ones ever to watch before going out to a party.  It gets me totally fired up and Richard Linklater the director and writer has always been fantastic at capturing teen angst in his films.  And this film has a HUGELY star studded cast, but it got all of these people before any of them really made it big.  Stars like Matthew McConaughey, Jason London, Ben Affleck, Milla Jovovich, Cole Hauser, Parker Posey, Joey Lauren Adamns, and even the Hebrew Hammer himself Adam Goldberg. A lot of these actors went on to bigger and better things, but i think the most interesting thing about this film is that for Matthew McConaughey and Ben Affleck these were the best roles that they have EVER had.  Ben Affleck was cast perfectly as the super senior bully O’Bannion, his role as that meathead bully jerkoff was truly the pinnacle of his carrer.  Alright fine, not including “Reindeer Games” Jewell.  And McConaughey has never been better playing the shady older guy who still hangs around high schools trolling for younger trim.  As a man who wishes he spent his days the same way let me just say his performance was Oscar worthy, if not only for dropping one of the best lines in movie history:  “That’s what i love about high school girls man.  i get older, and they stay the same age.”  Well said Mr. McConaughey, well said. 

Fast food tips – So not only is Chick-fil-A not backing down from their comments about gay marriage, they have just introduced a new homophobic sandwich called the “Queer hating Cordon Bleu”.  i know no one will believe me but i linked the actual article from the highly regarded news site the “Onion” that first broke this story.  Thanks to Mr. G for sending me the link!  Queer Hating Cordon Blue article

Haha alright i don’t normally just blatantly steal jokes from other sites and put them on my blog.  Usually i just steal  them from my friends and pass them off on my own.  But this totally goes with Tuesday’s fast food tip and it was too funny not to use so here ya go!

And that’s it for me kids.  i hope you enjoyed this one because i think it’s an A.  And if you did enjoy it please make a comment!  Definitely on my Facebook page but also on the comment section below.  i want to start getting more feedback from my money viewers, so don’t be shy and just text me and/or send me an email saying how funny you think i am and how much you love me and how bad you want to sleep with me.  Make a comment below for the world to see!

Have a great weekend everyone, cya Tuesday!  – miguel jo$é

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10 Responses to “Black movies don’t have real names. You get names like "Barbershop". That’s not a name, that’s a location! "Barbershop", "Cookout", "Car Wash"…you know "Laundromat" is coming soon. And after that "Check Cashing Place." – Chris Rock hosting the Oscars”

  1. Anonymous July 27, 2012 at 4:24 pm #

    You're hilarious, love ya to death and I wanna sleep with you…BAD!

    North Dakota 🙂

    Like

  2. Anonymous July 27, 2012 at 6:51 pm #

    I second that! Gathy

    Like

  3. Miguel José July 27, 2012 at 7:13 pm #

    Thanks Cathy! Oh wait it's Gathy with a “G”…

    Like

  4. Anonymous July 27, 2012 at 7:27 pm #

    wtf the only good movie Ben Affleck did…seriously?!?!?!?!…he was amazing in Armageddon (I still cry everytime I watch it). Dogma was sick, he was adorable in Forces of Nature and Jeresey Girl, and Pearl Harbor..oh my god there are so many other movies…I can't even believe we're friends right now!

    -Stef =)

    p.s. the rest of the blog was funny but I'm way too heated on the Ben Affleck comment to even say how much I freakin' love the scam you pulled at the theater =)

    Like

  5. Anonymous July 30, 2012 at 2:38 am #

    That theater scam was awesome and brilliant! Another great blog. Two thumbs up!

    Like

  6. Jim July 30, 2012 at 12:40 pm #

    Armageddon was snubbed at the Oscars… Shakespeare in Love.. whatever.

    Like

  7. Miguel José July 30, 2012 at 1:06 pm #

    Thanks! You forgot to add that i'm a lowlife and a cheater for that scam but i will definitely accept awesome and brilliant! 🙂

    Like

  8. Miguel José July 30, 2012 at 1:09 pm #

    you only like Armageddon because of that aerosmith song. And i don't want to miss a thing either…

    Like

  9. Anonymous July 30, 2012 at 6:54 pm #

    I want to sleep with you!

    -chuck

    Like

  10. Miguel José July 31, 2012 at 1:34 am #

    i know Charles, i got your email, your tweet, your Facebook message, your multiple texts AND now my blog post. i get it!!!!

    Like

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