Got a gun, fact i got two. That’s okay man cause i love God! Glorified version of a pellet gun. Feels so manly, when armed… Pearl Jam "Glorified G"

24 Jul
What is up kids with guns?
So yeah every once in awhile i like to take a break from my normal puking on all fours in the shower stories (even though that is how i started off my morning today, no joke.  Stupid Monday happy hours, why do i do that to myself?  i’ll tell you why, i didn’t drink all weekend because i wasn’t feeling too great and then Monday comes around and work was the WORST and i have no days planned off this week and i couldn’t bear to think about working all 5 days and making it to Friday somehow.  So what did i do?  i hit up happy hour after work with my boy Duffy and drank my face off all night.  And i never ate yesterday!  Not one piece of food.  i woke up and i wasn’t really hungry because i hate like a gddamn slob all day Sunday catching up on the show “Breaking Bad” which i am happy to say i am all caught up now and it’s the best show ever.
 But yeah i ate so much garbage Sunday that i never ate breakfast on Monday, i came home for lunch and wasn’t hungry and then after work i just went to the happy hour and drank some brews and i just never got around to eating.  Needless to say when i woke up this morning i painted my shower drain this beautiful “miguel’s lungs and stomach lining” color and here i am now.  And if you’re wondering the answer is yes, i did go and get fast food breakfast this morning because i needed some greasy garbage in my stomach BAD.  So yeah i guess i feel better enough to write this blog today).
But yeah every once in awhile i like to take a break from those kinds of stories and tell you how i really feel about things, and today i’d lke to tell you how much i hate guns.  Not dislike, not have a problem with, i f’n HATE guns.  Nothing makes me more uncomfortable then guns.  i don’t even like being around cops who have guns, even that $hit gets me nervous.  i just can’t get comfortable around something that has the power to end a life.  Especially with my lifestyle, do you know how many bad decisions i make on a daily basis due to alcohol and or just poor decisions in general?  Like let’s say a Monday happy hour for example…
Honestly, i can’t imagine being around guns ever.  Think of all the awful stories i’ve told about being black out drunk, or super heart broken over some broad, or even mad about losing a game in beer pong.  Now, let me re-tell all those stories… and add a gun to the mix!  Could you imagine how many rounds i would go through on one game of pong?  Every cup that i missed would have a bullet hole in it, the table would be completely shot up and i definitely would have shot my roommate Carl a bunch of times over the super heated games we have.  And trust me, that “Heartbreak trilogy” i wrote for blogs 98-100 would have had a much different ending, one where i painted my ceiling a “miguel’s brain and heartbreak” red as i blew my brains out to stop the pain.  So personally,  i can tell you now having a gun around me with my “habits” is probably the worst idea ever.
But even considering all the poor decisions that i make on a daily/minute basis, i can at least say the majority of them won’t claim anyone else’s life. So i got that going for me i guess.  But yeah for real, i f’n hate guns and i wish they were way more illegal then they are.  i mean i get that people like to hunt, so it’s hard for me to argue rifles and stuff even though that’s not my scene.  And as far as protection goes i guess it should be legal to own handguns too, especially since it is part of the second amendment and all.  So fine, you want rifles and handguns i guess you can have them even though i’ll never be a fan.
But automatic guns?  Are you f’n kidding me? How is that gddamn legal???  Marijuana isn’t legal and it’s never claimed one human life in history.  And no, i’m not kidding.  Go google that piece if you don’t believe me.  No one has ever died from overdosing on Marijuana.  Mostly because it’s impossible but yeah, weed is what is still illegal in this country, not guns.  And guns will probably never be illegal because as far as special interest groups that OWN this country, nothing is more powerful then the NRA.  Those silly backwardass rednecks sure love their guns!  And you’ll have to pry them out of their cold dead hands before they give them up!  Because that’s the kind of “cause” you want to stick up for.  Not for peace, not for love, not for advancing the human race or making this world a better place, and surely not for helping the poor or getting houses for the homeless.  God forbid any of you cared about any of that.  No, the only thing you stand by is “you’ll have to pry my gun out of my cold dead hand!”  And oh yeah let me guess, you were a big douchebag in high school too weren’t you?  Yeah i thought so.
And after this Batman shooting in Colorado all the gun nuts are coming out and saying how “this is NOT the time to talk about gun control in this country!”  Oh really?  Because i’m pretty sure this is the perfect time.  That would be like someone who came out during Katrina saying “now is NOT the time to talk about why the levies broke and how to fix them and make sure this never happens again!”  It sounds pretty f’n stupid when look at it that way.  Or any way for that matter.  And did you hear the Republican guy who was saying the biggest problem with that Colorado shooting was that there was no one in the audience who had a gun, because if people were armed in the audience then maybe they could have taken down the shooter? That’s a fantastic point buddy, if there was anything that would make a situation like a crazy person with a gun shooting in a smoke filled theater better it’d be if people in the crowd started shooting all over the place too!  And i’m kinda trying to make a joke during this point but this is actually what people believe, and these are really the rights people believe in and fight for.
And i know a lot of you feel the same way.  A bunch of my friends really dig guns and own a bunch themselves and probably think this is the worst blog i’ve ever written.  “Which is saying a lot considering some of the turds you have written in the past!”  Thanks buddy, don’t make me shoot you!  But yeah i am well aware of the fact that some people like and have guns, and many of them are responsible people that treat guns with respect and adhere to all the laws and are the reason this amendment was written into the Constitution to begin with.
But the fact is the majority of the people in this country, and on this planet are gddamn MORONS.  Most of these people shouldn’t have the right to drive, and a huge majority of these aholes should definitely NOT have the right to produce children!  These ignorant racist Nascar watching country music listening no teeth having cousin marrying lowlifes not only shouldn’t have the right to produce life, they should also not be allowed to carry a weapon that ends one as well.  But if they do get that right then maybe we should limit them to rifles and handguns so they can’t go to a Batman premier and open fire with an automatic weapon and claim over 10 lives and injure 60 more?  But oh yeah, now’s not the time to talk about this stuff.  Because even talking about it takes away our freedoms and liberty and any other bull$hit talking points the NRA has been spewing out for years.
And what about you religous people?  Shouldn’t all of you that love God so much be against guns as well?  Who could possibly be more against guns then Jesus?   i never get that, i feel like there are SO many hardcore religious people out there yet there are still things like guns and wars and people who are against free healthcare.  How can you say you are so religious if you own a gun?  i’m pretty sure my man Jesus would have been pretty against guns.  The same way he would have been for free health care for all.  So let me get this straight, you are totally religious and totally love God and baby Jesus, but you want to own guns and you are against free healthcare even though those ideals are completely against what the Lord tries to teach?  Does that make sense to anyone?  Besides the religious gun toting nut jobs i mean?  It’d basically be like saying, “i LOVE Pearl Jam!  They are my favorite band ever and i’ll follow them till the day i die!!  But i never listen to their music and i know Pearl Jam hates Justin Bieber so all i ever really listen to is Justin Bieber and i never listen to Pearl Jam.”  True, that may not be the best example ever.  But it’s good enough and apt enough to make my point i think.
i don’t know, like i said i don’t expect many people to agree with me on this one.  Especially some of my closest friends.  But even to them i just say we’re not a smart enough species to own these weapons.  If we get to a point where “Keeping up with the Kardashians” and “Real Housewives of NJ” aren’t the highest rated shows on T.V. maybe i’ll listen to what you have to say someday.  But until then, we will just let the NRA continue to run this country and we will keep having to deal with incidents like the one in Colorado because no one will ever do anything about it.  But at least we’ll all have guns!!
And oh yeah if you don’t see a new blog from me on Friday it’s not because i’m a lazy bag of douche for once.  It’ll be because the NRA heard about my blog and shut me down for good.  They are all maniacs but they are powerful maniacs i will give them that!  So if this is the last you hear from me i would just like to say… LATER DICKS!


-Have you ever met any of these people that don’t drink? Or “a$$holes”, as i like to call them?  i just don’t get it, who DOESN’T drink alcohol?  What the hell do these people do for fun, or to relax after a long day, or even to celebrate?  “Hey Tom!  i got that big promotion at work the other day!  Let’s go out tonight and … TALK!”  “Hey Billy, happy birthday!  Let’s go to the bar tonight to celebrate and… GET APPETIZERS!”  Wow, those sure sound like some crazy ideas buddy.  i hope you don’t mind but i’m going to stay home by myself and celebrate by doing a power hour and taking a shot of Grey Goose every time the Mets give up a run in extra innings.  And yes that means i’m going to drink myself to death.
-So the NBA is debating on whether they want to put Corporate Sponsors on their Jerseys.  And no, i’m not kidding.  Apparently all the advertising that gets shoved down our throats during the hundreds of time outs called in the last minute of a game, making the last minute of a basketball game last an extra 2 hours is not enough for these aholes to show commercials.  Now they want to plaster the Jersey with more logos so that greedy f’n millionaires can make even more money.
And i for one hope they do it, because i really hate the NBA and i enjoy when they make awful decisions to make their sport worse.  And the only reason i was watching at all the last two years in the first place was to see Lebron lose, so now that he’s won a championship i can stop watching forever.  These corporate logos on their Jerseys though is definitely the final nail on the NBA’s coffin that’s for sure.
Miguel’s Money Movie Review: i love the movie “Shawshank Redemption”.  i think it’s one of the best movies of all time and every time it’s on T.V. i can’t help but watching it.  But there’s one part that bothers me, because i know if it were me in the movie there would be a completely different ending.  And that’s the part at the end where Morgan Freeman gets out of jail “Spoiler Alert!” and has to go to that random tree in the countryside and find that one special rock.  Are you f’n kidding me?? i would NEVER find that $hit!!  They could give me a compus, a map, a GPS and let me use Mapquest and Google Earth on my Ipad and i would never f’n find that gddamn rock.  And let’s just say there was that one in a million chance that Mary would ever date me.  Wait sorry, let’s say there was that one in a million chance that i did find that rock.  The letter that he finds doesn’t even tell him the name of the city to go to!  If i read that letter and got to the part where it goes “You remember the name of that city i told you, right?”  i’d be like No!  No i don’t!  Are you f’n kidding me Dufraine??
Somehow, someway, it took a MIRACLE for me to find this stupid rock in the middle of nowhere.  And now you want to rely on me remembering a town i heard you tell me ONE TIME in all the years we were in prison together?  i hope you have a nice life ahole because i can’t and will never remember the town and i will never find you!  Way to not just write it out on the secret letter you left hidden for me dickface!  So yeah basically i’m saying if i were in that movie and i played Morgan Freeman’s character the movie would end with me hanging myself in the same room Brooks did. LATER DICKS!
Fast food tips –So the guy who owns the Chick-fil-A chain hates gays.  Which is pretty disappointing because Chick-fil-A is the MONEY and i could go for one of their original sandwiches and a side of waffle fries right now.  But yeah this guy came out openly about not liking gay people and thinking they should not be able to marry so now the muppets don’t want to do business with them.  Wait, what just happened?  Oh you heard me right.  The Jim Henson company cut ties with the chain because they heard what the owner said and they were like “F that motherf’er right in the a$$!  We won’t support this hate mongers chicken and we hope he gets A raped in prison by a bunch of sweaty disgusting gay dudes!”
i used quote marks on that last part but i was really just paraphrasing what they said.  But yeah the tip for today is get Chick-fil-A if you want, just know the guy who owns the business is not a fan of ass sex between two men.  And now Statler and Waldorf hate Chick-fil-A!  And if Statler and Waldorf are against something then i am too!!!

For any of you who are too young to know who these two are, and if you’re my next girlfriend then you DEFINITELY don’t have a clue, these two are Statler and Waldorf, two old guys who would always watch the Muppet Show but bash all the Muppets the entire time.  They were sarcastic old aholes who hated the Muppets and literally only went to watch the show to make fun of how awful the Muppets were.  Truly one of the greatest bits of all time.

And that’s enough comedy for one blog, don’t ya think?  “i don’t know, i guess if you were aiming for “none” comedy then you definitely filled your quota!”  i know i know, you’re just mad at me for bashing guns today.  Like i said i know a lot of you won’t agree with me but whatever, i won’t hide from my opinions just because they are unpopular.

But fear not my gun toting buddies, this Friday i am FINALLY going to write my movie blog that i had planned for last week.  It’s all stories about what i did when i worked at the movie theater, and trust me you don’t want to miss it!  Or maybe you do, because i don’t know if anyone wants to hear what goes on with that popcorn machine…

See you kids on Friday!  – miguel jo$é

6 Responses to “Got a gun, fact i got two. That’s okay man cause i love God! Glorified version of a pellet gun. Feels so manly, when armed… Pearl Jam "Glorified G"”

  1. Jim July 24, 2012 at 3:48 pm #

    There's no lawns in a theatre…


  2. Anonymous July 25, 2012 at 5:28 am #

    Well said. Ya know… My favorite kind of sober people are the ones who still drink. Hell, I brought back cocktail hour in my house. I don't care if it's just me. I put on some music and get romantic with a cocktail and myself. I dont go to fast food restaurants for any other reason than food. I dont care what Dan Cathy's opinion on gay marraige is(even if i disagree), if im hungry im hungry. My opinion is my opinion and his is his. People care too much about what other people think. I am glad that Jim Hensen stuck it to him. Also about guns, I hate em. I live in Texas(i fucking hate it/9 months of swamp ass) and everyone packs heat. Everyone. It's like owning a bloody Louis Vuitton bag, they're everywhere. I am a very hot headed type of gal and glad that I don't own a gun cause my husband's ass would have been dead three times. Also I'm gonna mombomb your blog but can we talk about the issue below–
    Fucking valiumed winos are gonna judge me?


  3. Anonymous July 25, 2012 at 5:33 am #

    three times over.


  4. Jim July 25, 2012 at 6:19 pm #

    Preach it sister!


  5. Miguel José July 25, 2012 at 6:38 pm #

    So swamp ass and dudes with guns everywhere? Yeah i'm prob not going to Texas anytime soon haha.

    That article is FANTASTIC. I feel the same way in general as far as my “alleged” personal use but it must be so much worse for moms who are being judged. i mean i judge them for deciding to ruin their bodies which means they DEFINITELY don't need to be judged for smoking a little weed to relax! 🙂

    And thank you for your comment, i really appreciate it!


  6. shannon July 30, 2012 at 3:14 am #

    I couldn't agree with your rant more. Hate guns! Oh and the Chick Fil A guy did more than just voice an opinion. That would be one thing. But he donated COMPANY money to anti gay organizations. Not his personal money, but Chick Fil A money. Not cool.


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