[On the US school shootings] Everybody is wanting to know what music were the kids listening to, or what movies were they watching. Who gives a f*ck what they was watching! Whatever happened to crazy? What, you can’t be crazy no more? Should we eliminate crazy from the dictionary? -Chris Rock "Bigger and Blacker"

20 Jul

What is up kids?

Happy Friday everyone!  Well kinda not really though i guess.  First of all, it’s rainy as $hit which sucks balleens for everyone who took off today hoping to get to the beach.  Although let’s be honest, white people you know your skin can’t handle anymore sun! Especially you hot pale Irish girls, your creamy white goodness can’t handle the sharp burn of that blazing sun.  Creamy white goodness being the nickname of 2nd girlfriend in college.  Anyways your tender white skin can’t handle what my beautiful golden brown epidermis can, because my skin loves the sweet sunshine and i don’t even have to hide behind an SPF of any kind!  Because God loves brown people which is why the sun is His gift to us.

ANYWAYS… the other reason this particular Friday is a little rough “well at least it’s not Friday the 13th like last week!  WHOOOOO Scary!”  Ugh, you’re the WORST.  But yeah anyways, it was a little rough to hear this morning about that f’n maniac that opened fire in Colorado at the premier for “Dark Knight Rises”.  Especially when i was at the gddamn premier last night just like any other big superhero nerds.  Although F that, Christopher Nolan’s Batman has been one of the best trilogies ever, way better then Spiderman or Iron Man or any of those.

But yeah c’mon MAN.  You’re gonna shoot people up at a theater?  What a coward, way to take out your bull$hit rage on innocent people going to the movies.  Some people are so gddamn self important, they are selfish whiny bitches who think what they have so much more to offer to the world, way more then what most other people can offer.  Although let me just say any of you who that were thinking i was just describing myself in that last sentence you kinda have a small point and oh yeah you are an a$$hole.

But i don’t know, hearing that story really bummed me out.  i had this whole movie bit planned out for today when i was going to talk about my time working at a movie theater and all the F*CKED UP stuff i did and/or saw at that place that you would never want to hear from someone who worked at a theater.  But i don’t have the heart to go into it today, 12 people get shot up at the Batman premier?  And it’s mad rainy out?  My jokes for RANDOM NONSENSE are as funny as ever but i’ll save my money movie rant for next week i guess…

But yeah Batman was the f’n money.  i won’t say it’s the best film ever because “Dark Knight” really set an impossible bar but it was still a fantastic movie.  Bain is incredible, Anne Hathaway was both hot and money, and the story was good and you find out Batman is going to join the “Avengers” and be in that next sequel.  “WHOOPS Spoiler Alert!!!”

RANDOM NONSENSE

-Have you ever met those people that PREFER to sit up in the front few rows at movie theaters?  Or as i like to call them, lunatic douchebags?  “Whoo hoo i like to sit so close my neck hurts from staring straight up for 3 hours!”  Really?  That’s your angle?  Because it’s the worst angle ever and i hate you.  And i love how you don’t learn that fact about them until you’re at the theater and they start heading up front to sit down even when there are a MILLION seats going back and they’re just like “hey let’s sit up here!” and you’re just like well i can do that or actually how about…. LATER DICK!

-So i got some candy from one of those vending machines recently.  You know, those ones that you put in 25 cents or whatever and get a handful of goodness.  Which was also the nickname for my penis back in high school.  But anyways, shouldn’t you not get candy from those things?  How long could that candy possibly have been in there?  And how many disgusting sweaty unwashed hands have turned that knob and stuck their filthy hands all over that piece?  So yeah i was thinking about all of that but then i was like “who f’n cares? i want a handful of sour candy and i hate carrying around change.”  So basically my want of candy outweighed the fact that i probably have strep throat and pink eye now.  Oh well, those $hits were the money.  And it was only two bits.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- i think the Alice in Chains album “Sap” is one of the all-time best albums to listen to when it’s raining.  “Jar of Flies” gets honorable mention for this as well.  Nirvana “Unplugged” is also way up their as is Beck “Mutations”.  But when you think about it, isn’t there a Beck album that is perfect for all situations?  The answer you’re looking for is yes.

“OLD SCHOOL” Tips for “OLD SCHOOL” Video Games: Megaman is one of my favorite Nintendo games ever.  And i mean any of them, Megaman 1 through 6 are just fantastic games.  And speaking of Mega Man, soon you will be able to buy “Mega Man” Cologne.  And no! i’m not f’n kidding!  It’s called “Epic Scents” and they plan to make colognes designed after old NES games.

My question is, what f’n lunatic is thinking that what the world needs now is cologne that smells like old Ninentdo video game robots?  People really are maniacs i guess.  And  i guess that’s not really an “old school” video game tip.   Oh well,  i’ll try to make up for it in Fast Food Tips!

Fast food tips – So some kid got fired at Burger King for standing on the lettuce and posting a picture of it online.  Here’s the picture:

 Way to go dick!  i guess some hacking group tracked the photo’s GPS and they were able to locate the BK and get that kid and two others fired.  So the tip is if you order anything from Burger King hold the gddamn lettuce!  And oh yeah if you take a picture and put it on the Interwebs they will find you.

i guess that wasn’t a great Fast Food Tip either.  So here’s another. If you buy a Crave Case from White Castle you get a free jug of ice tea!  And if you eat a whole Crave Case and drink that entire jug you will be a deucing and puking disaster through Monday!

And i’m spent.  That’s enough for today don’t ya think?  i’d say this blog is B plus, just like Dark Knight Rises.  Maybe if i thought the movie was an “A,” and maybe if people didn’t get shot up last night, and maybe if it wasn’t so gddamn rainy out on a Friday, and maybe if i were just a funnier person in general and maybe a better writer i’d be a little more fired up and in a little better mood to finish this blog.  But it was still fun to write, and as always there is some funny stuff in here so hopefully i made some of you kids laugh today!  No?  Well, maybe next time…
Have a great weekend my friends, cya on Tuesday!! – miguel jo$é
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