My mind is playing tricks on me all the time, to let you know that i am real. And all the worries you build up inside your soul, the ones that make your world stand still… mean you can feel. – Blind Melon "Time"

12 Jul

What is up kids?

So it’s my first Thursday blog in a long time and i’m gonna say right now that i already hate it.  Not the blog itself, but the having to write it on a Wednesday night SUCKS MY BALLEENS.  Mostly because Wednesdays at my job are murderously horrific and i just never have any time.  But when i think about it, does anyone really?

i feel like most of my life revolves around the fact that i don’t have enough time to get things done.  24 hours in a day sounds like a lot, but when you throw in the 12 hours of sleep i need each night and the 8 hours i’m at my job that only leaves me 5 hours to get anything else i want done!  And 5 hours is just not enough time, especially when you consider at least 3 of them are spent watching television and a good 15 minutes to a 1/2 hour are spent whacking off, depending on whether or not there are new Kate Upton pics out there or not.  Speaking of which….

Jeebus what was i even talking about?  Oh yeah, Obamacare.  i get that people aren’t a fan of this law but to be SOOOO f’n against it to the point where you think it’s ruining our country?  Do you really have to be so f’n extreme?? i mean we were just in (and are still in) two unjust wars that went on for over a decade and claimed thousdands of lives, and giving people free healthcare is what is putting you over the edge?  And the funny thing is that all of these people that are so against poor people having access to healthcare already have healthcare for themselves!  So they basically saying we should only care about ourselves and F everyone else.  Doesn’t sound to Patriotic to me.  And these are the same jerkoff men that are SO against abortion, even though they obviously never have to make that choice themselves since last i checked men can’t get pregnant.  And the other crazy thing i can’t stand is that all these people against Obamacare are super religious.  And are you going to tell me that Jesus himself would not have supported free healthcare for all of mankind?  He wouldn’t even understand why we charge to keep people healthy in the first place, i mean we are literally doing God’s work.  How can we charge for that?  And i thought all you hard core right wingers loved life SO much which is why you are against abortion in the first place.  Why then would you then be against giving free health care to people when there is nothing more important to life then a person’s health in the first place?  It just goes to show…

Wait a second, that’s not what i was talking about.  Sorry, i put up that Kate Upton pic and then 15 minutes later i had no idea where i was.  But yeah basically i just never feel like i have enough time to do anything, whether it be today, or in the week, or in my life really.  i DEFINITELY thought i’d be an actual stand up comedian by now, but since i’m a lazy unmotivated ahole i just keep pushing it off and go “maybe i’ll start tomorrow…” and next thing i know it’s 10 years later and i’m still not doing it.  Or have even really started!  i mean i’ve done a few open mics, but that was last year and it was only because my boy Jim Kohl finally pushed me to go out and finally f*cking do it already.  And i’ve thanked him to his face a bunch of times but i’ll tell him now again on my blog, thanks for finally getting me to do stand up buddy.  It’s been a dream of mine my whole life but you were the one who actually got me out there to do some open mics so i really can’t thank you enough.  Or maybe i can by pushing his comic that he does online, have you read it yet?  If you haven’t you should check them out.  If comics like “The Family Circus” and “Hagar the Horrible” make you laugh then don’t check out his comic though because his comics are actually good and funny, whereas those are mass produced garbage for aholes.  But yeah he does one strip called “Happy Hour” and another called “The Brewery” which is more based on alcohol which i of course dig bad. But yeah his comic is a great place to waste time when you’re at work and need a good website to fool around on and get some laughs.  Plus i’ve done two guest blogs on HH so far which i put on the link below.  And if you ever see any comments from “Coach” on his site let me just say i know for a fact that Coach is a very handsome and funny guy and he is great in bed and he’s really me.  But yeah check these two pieces out! 
Happy Hour Comic- My Guest Blog!   Brewery comic

Speaking of time i guess it’s time to rap this rant up.  i mean if i wanted to i could go into more detail on why i don’t have time for anything, but my reasons are probably not too much different from your own.  i mean you guys probably have more “grown up” reasons on why you don’t have time to do things, like having wives or husbands or kids or real jobs and stuff.  My reasons are more about boozing and watching shows on Comedy Central and eating fast food and deucing myself to no end.  Like i said they are not too much different then yours.  But the biggest problem is that i guess is that no one really ever realizes how much time we have left on this planet so time is easy to take it for granted.  i mean sometimes something happens like a death to a love one or a tragic event that puts things in perspective.  And when those things happen we think ” i need to stop wasting time!” And then we really try to put our life in motion!  But then we get lazy that one Saturday, or we’re hungover that next Sunday and don’t really do anything.  And then you start to realize, “Man i really love not f*cking doing anything!’ and you become a lazy miserable piece of $hit again.  But like i said last week i’m trying to get past that.  i’m trying to do more with my life, and i’m gonna try to do stand up again (even though i’m done talking about that on this blog until i actually do it) and i’m gonna meet Kate Upton and make her my wife!  As soon as i find the time…


-“OMG miguel you are horrible at math!  i did the calculations in your rant and by your math that would mean there are 25 hours in a day and not 24!”  Oh really?  Because i didn’t purposely add it wrong in hopes that someone would actually check it and get all mad and think i honestly didn’t notice. i hope my incorrect math was eating away at you inside to the point where you didn’t enjoy the rest of my rant because i just wanted to show you that maybe you shouldn’t care about such insignificant little things. My grammar would be another good example of this…

-So i still bite my nails.  Am i supposed to grow out of that ever??  i mean it’s not really a nervous habit or anything, i just do it to keep them $hits short.  i don’t do it all the time or anything, and i’m DONE biting my cuticles to the point that my skins burns so bad until i can finally put it out of my mind and forget how bad it hurts for a hot one.  At least until i blow it and grab a drink of lemonade or something and then they burn worse then my ass did that one time i had White Castle and Taco Bell on the same ride home.  But yeah i’m too lazy to trim those $hits with the little scissors so i just bite them $hits nice and neat.  Am i the only one who does this?  Apparently i’m the only one who’s smart enough to lay down when i take a shower, so i’m guessing there are no grown ups who still do this, only kids.  Whatever, i’m a creepo.  i’m over it.

-i feel like no one else ever talks about this so i’m gonna say it now hoping SOMEBODY knows what the F i’m talking about for once.  But does anyone else ever watch a movie or T.V. show and see a courtroom scene and always think one thing, and that’s that i would be the worst guy EVER on the witness stand in a courtroom!  Holy S i can’t remember people’s names that i just met!  Now i’m supposed to remember what i did some random Saturday night 6 months ago when i was totally $hitfaced?  i mean hopefully i’m never in this situation, although i am a minority so the chances of me being in a courtroom in my life are between definitely and 100 percent.  But anyways, for real i have the WORST memory!  i would seem like the biggest liar ever!  “Um Mr. Jose, can you tell me where you were the night of the crime?”  Um…. no?  “Well then, can you tell us where you were last evening?” Um…. no?  My house probably?  Or maybe work, idk.  What day is this?  i don’t know where i am!!!   “Mr Jose, can you PLEASE tell us what you had for lunch today?  And remember, YOU ARE UNDER OATH!” Um…food?  NO! i’m lying!  i only had beers!!  Or maybe i blazed too, i don’t remember!  i’m not on trial, this whole system is on trial!!  i can’t handle the truth!!!  “As you can see this witness is clearly a liar.  I rest my case your honor.  Oh wait, and he’s a dirty spic!”  Cased Closed.

A Great Name for a Punk Band! “Heavens to Betsy”  By the way, i know all of these names are f’n fantastic and before anyone steals one for their own i just want to make it clear that these are all Patent Pending!!!!!

“Facebook etiquette”- Moms need to get their own “Facebook” already.  Call it “Mombook” or something.  i don’t know, it’s not like i’m a writer or anything and could come up with a better name for it if i tried.  But FOR REAL, get out of my news feed with your poopy diaper talk and nonstop pictures of your kids!  In fact, you can start with the pregnant belly pics, once you start posting those it’s off to “Momsbook” you go!!  You can talk about all the boring $hit you want. from their first step and what they did at the store or any of that other God awful crap.  And alright fine, if you want to make it sound cool you can call it “MILFbook” or something like that, i don’t really care.  Although i don’t get where that term comes from.  Who would ever want to bang a mom?  Especially when you know how RAVAGED their most holiest of holy’s have been, probably to the point where you can hear an echo when you speak into it.  But whatever, TO EACH TO EACH HIS OWN HIS OWN!

Fast food tips – KFC has just released its new “KFC Original Chicken Bites” and they sound pretty money.  They bill them as “bite-sized chicken, all grown up! (Whatever that means) and they are calling it its biggest product launch since the addition of their Kentucky grilled chicken in 2009, not counting the Double Down sandwich that came out in 2010.  You like how you’re learning a new fast food tip and getting a history lesson?  No?  Well okay then.  The Original recipe bites, not to be confused with their popcorn chicken are bigger, bite sized pieces of 100% breast-meat chicken.  And right now you can try a 6 piece of bites, plus a side and a drink for $3.99 and at that price you can’t go wrong.  So go get them $hits.

Alright that’s it for me today kids.  And not just this blog i mean Thursday blogs in general!  i think i’m gonna immediately go back to Friday’s but who knows, i flip flop more then Mitt Romney.  “Whoo hoo i’m a political f*ck today!”  Maybe but don’t blame me, blame Kate Upton’s beautiful and supple young body because she is what threw me off topic.  GDDAMN that picture… i’ll see you guys on Monday or in 15 minutes whichever cums first!  – miguel jo$é


3 Responses to “My mind is playing tricks on me all the time, to let you know that i am real. And all the worries you build up inside your soul, the ones that make your world stand still… mean you can feel. – Blind Melon "Time"”

  1. Jim July 12, 2012 at 6:27 pm #

    Haha, you are a political fuck sometimes.


  2. Anonymous July 12, 2012 at 6:41 pm #

    hahaha I was just talking about being a witness and how I would suck at it…also how I could never describe anyone to a sketch artist…that person would not look right at all lol

    love you 🙂

    Stef 🙂


  3. Erin July 17, 2012 at 5:10 am #

    You're the! Ha ha Mombook!!!! Love it although I am guilty as charged. For the record I had a c-section and I told my doctor to stich me up like an Italian tailor. When my nasty mother in law was on my ass about me choosing an elective c-section and I wanted to shut her up–I just looked at her and said,”I really enjoy my sex life with your son and I'd really like to keep things down their tight.” My father in law just smiled and it sure as hell shut that nasty bitch up. Yeah, I totally mombooked your blog


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