You know what’s a fun game? Take 3 Excedrin PM’s and you see if you can whack off before you fall asleep. You always win, which is the best part of playing that game. – Seth Rogen "40 Year Old Virgin"

10 Jul

What is up kids?

Speaking of games, did anyone catch that super exciting Home Run Derby last night!?!?  Holy S it was incredible!!  i mean i didn’t watch it or anything.  And i don’t know who won and/or cared about that stupid thing at all.  But yeah it sure was exciting wasn’t it?  It wasn’t?  Oh wait, you’re right.  It wasn’t.

Haha you like how i tied today’s quote in with the Home Run Derby?  i’ve been wanting to start off a blog with that quote for forever but i couldn’t really find the right topic.  But then the Derby happened last night and that’s kinda topical and it’s kinda a game so i figured i could finally use that quote and it’d be hilarious! But yeah it sure was hilarious wasn’t it?  It wasn’t?  Oh wait, you’re right.  It wasn’t.

So how the hell is everyone doing today?  i feel like i haven’t talked to you guys in forever.  Maybe because some ahole hijacked my last blog and ruined my entire rant!  Although let’s be honest, unless your name is Jewell you did NOT see an entire rant from my inner monologue coming.  “Of course we didn’t see it coming!  Just when we think your blog can’t get any dumber you go and do something like this… and no you don’t redeem yourself like “Dumb and Dumber”!  You set a new bar of laziness and poor writing!”

Eh, whatever it was kinda funny i thought.  But i’m back and ready to get started with my usual comedy and nonsense so let’s get to it already, shall we?  i’m gonna end this rant quick today because i spent so much time on RANDOM NONSENSE  that i just want to get to the ha ha’s.  So sit back, relax and let yourself go.  Don’t sweat what you heard, or act like you know…

RANDOM NONSENSE

-It pains me to admit this, but i guess i get pretty personal on this blog sometimes so i’m just gonna do it.  So here goes… i really want to bang that QuiBids chick from those stupid commercials.

Ugh, i KNOW i KNOW… she is the worst!  Her name is D’Arcy Kate Fellona and you can’t believe a word this liar says.  “You can buy a 55 inch HD T.V. for only 20 bucks! Or a brand new Ipod for $23.71!!”  Oh really bitch?  Because i’m pretty sure you can’t.  And motherf’er she’s so overly perky and happy and just so excited that you can get all these expensive items really cheap!  And it’s so easy!!!  But no, no it’s not.  Look this site up online and you’ll read about what a dumb scam it is and how no one will ever get those items for the prices they say ever.  And ugh i just see those commercials and i just want to punch that girl in the face!  But i also want to put my P in her V and have her call me Big Papi as i cover her tuna taco with my own personal Queso.  And ugh, i get so f’n mad at myself when i fall for this $hit but whatever, there’s nothing i can do.  When my head and my heart tell me “NO!” but my penis says “boowhip!” i just gotta listen.  And it doesn’t hurt that she used to be an NFL cheerleader too…

-Are there people on this planet that STILL don’t have Ez pass?  Apparently there are because every time i’m flying through a tollbooth i look over and see those fools paying with cash, or digging in their seat cushions hoping they can find enough change to pay that toll.  Or at least that’s what i think they are doing, it’s kinda hard to see when i’M DRIVING SO F’N FAST THROUGH THE EZ PASS LANE!  Honestly people, grow up already and buy one! Traffic is already the worst thing EVER, you want to make it worse by adding 30 minutes to every toll stop?  i’m already 4 exits ahead of you and you’re still waiting to make change out of your twenty dollar bill.  “But the government tracks people by checking their Ez pass!  i don’t need Big Brother watching over me!”  Really?  That’s what you think?  i love these people that are so paranoid about the government watching over them.  They are so self important, do you really think anyone, let alone the government gives a flying f*ck what tolls your driving through in your beat up Jetta? Relax Panicky Pete, no one including myself or government are watching over your pathetic life.  Trust me, your life is not that exciting, and you as a person are not that interesting. So stop acting like anyone cares what you do, stop fooling around with change and using your GPS to avoid tolls and just get an EZ pass already!!!

Hahaha alright before i get a text saying “OMG you stole my facebook status again and this time you made fun of me and didn’t give me any credit!  Again!  You’re an ahole miguel!” Let me just say happy early birthday to my biggest fan and just an overall awesome person in general Stef Williams who is turning a different age tomorrow!  i’d say how old she is but once you over 25 does it even matter anymore?  No, no it doesn’t.  But Stef is the f’n money and whenever i think no one cares about my blog anymore i always get an angry email from her whenever i take off,  or if it’s not posted by her lunchtime haha.  And to be honest those angry emails could not make me happier 🙂  So happy birthday Stefanie!  And oh yeah when are we celebrating because i owe you at least 1 or 5 shots! 🙂

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- Listen, let me make this clear… I DO NOT SUPPORT CHILD MOLESTATION!  But that being said, did you ever watch the show “Dateline” and root for the guy the get away? Like he goes outside, the cops come up on him but he like runs back inside and punches Chris Hanson in the face and jumps out a window and hops the fence and somehow gets away and steals a car and just totally evades the cops?  i seriously doubt they would air that episode, but hopefully it would end up on the interwebs or something. And i totally hope they catch the guy like the next day or something before he can commit any other crimes, and then they could send him to jail to get raped by big black dudes for rest of his life.   i’m just saying it would be cool for once to see someone get away.  And no it’s not racist to assume it’d be a black guy who would rape him in prison;  i just said they were black because it would hurt more.  Some skinny white dude would cause him some slight discomfort at most.  

Fast food tips –Speaking of tomorrow being a special day,  7/11 is giving away free Slurpees!  i don’t know if this counts as a Fast Food Tip but suck my balleens it’s my blog and i’ll do what i want!  But yeah speaking of sucking, if you all get to a 7/11 tomorrow July 11th (Get it??? Because it IS 7/11 at 7/11!!!)  you can get a free slurpee form 11 a.m. to 7 p.m.  So yeah a free Slurpee is the money deal, although i still get bad memories of that drink because “Slurpee” was the nickname of one of my old girlfriends in college and to this day i could never figure out why…

-So i know no one ever really wants to talk about Abortion, and it’s really not the subject of a comedy blog.  But if you really want to know how i feel about the subject let just first say OH WAIT, NOW I GET IT!! SLURPEE!   Because my old girlfriend was a whore who slurped a bunch of different guys’ man junk all day!   Hahahaha now her nickname makes sense!!  Oh wait, now her nickname makes sense.  Man is that depressing and disturbing…

“Urinal Etiquette”- This joke was sent to me from my good friend Suzie who said she saw this picture and thought of me.  And is there anything sweeter in the world then someone looking at a urinal and being reminded of yours truly??  No, no there’s not.  Thanks Sue! 🙂  

ANNNNND i’m spent.  Man this blog was FANTASTIC!  And speaking of fantastic, i’d like to give another shout out to the most fantastic person i know Jenn V who’s birthday it is today.  You know those people that are the only ones who make your job bareable?  Well she’s that for me times a MILLION.  She was my supervisor on my very first day and we’ve only become better friends ever since.  And she’s a super hot blonde, and she has the best sense of humor, and she’s super smart, and she loves to party!  So yeah she’s basically just the best person ever and for real without her at my job or in my life in general everything in my life would be worse.  So thank you for being you Jenn, you truly are a princess and i hope you have the best birthday ever 🙂  XOXOXOXOXO
Have a great week kids and i will see you all on THURSDAY!!  – miguel jo$é
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2 Responses to “You know what’s a fun game? Take 3 Excedrin PM’s and you see if you can whack off before you fall asleep. You always win, which is the best part of playing that game. – Seth Rogen "40 Year Old Virgin"”

  1. Anonymous July 10, 2012 at 5:48 pm #

    Hahahaha I love you Miguel and you know me do well cause I was totally gonna call you out for stealing my ez pass status…which by the way I still haven't gotten and still use my gps to avoid all tolls 🙂 thanks for the birthday wishes…love you 🙂

    Stef 🙂

    Like

  2. Jim July 11, 2012 at 11:26 am #

    Get EX-Pass already. Its 2012, next you'll say you have a landline. And worse, no call waiting.

    Like

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