"Like any dip sh*t rock star knows, when you finish your set and the lights go black and you leave the f**king stage, the show ain’t over. It might seem like it’s over. Some d*ckheads might even start heading back to their car to beat traffic. But the true fans will remain. They’ll chant your name, calling for you, begging for f**king more. And as a person that people see and is famous, it’s your duty to answer those calls. To feed their hunger. One last face melter. People into the audience, raise your lighters and light them to make a flame. Watch your thumb or you may get burnt and get ready for the f**king encore." – Kenny Powers "Eastbound and Down"

6 Jul

What is up kids?

“Holy S balls that was the longest quote EVER to start off your blog!  Let me guess, you used a super long quote and now you’re using your “inner monologue” voice (even though let’s be honest, it’s not YOUR inner monologue voice it’s Gaffigan’s…) and your using it now to try and distract us from the fact that you have nothing to write about today.  So you’re hoping that if you try and hide behind long quotes  that we won’t notice!!  But we DID notice you dirty Mexican ahole!!!  Just because you said this was going to be your last Friday blog before you switch to Thursdays you think you can just phone it in and your true fans wouldn’t call you out on it?  And sure, maybe there’s only a handful of real fans that read every single one of your blogs.  But is it our fault that you can’t make it to 50 followers, or that you can’t get more people to like your Facebook page?”

“Because honestly, to blame us is a classless move. The fact that we even read your blog should be good enough for you.  But no, you need to whine and complain because you don’t have enough fans, or Facebook “likes” on your page, and not as many people read your blog as you’d like.  But the truth is, if you tried harder and/or if your writing was better you’d have way more fans by now, it’s that simple.  Face it, in your head you think your blog is being read by thousands of people but in reality it’s more like a hundred people who read each blog.  Which is still kind of impressive, especially for comedy writer who basically repeats the same hangover story twice a week and has grammar so awful it’s straight up offensive.  And it’s not like you work that hard on spreading the word out on your blog, do you?  Have you put any new ads for your page out on Facebook lately?  Are you making your friends post your blog on their own pages so that friends of their friends can see your blog?  Honestly, are you doing anything?”

“This blog really is a perfect microcosm of your life, miguel.  While yes it may be  true that you show signs of true talent sometimes.  And yes it is hard to argue that that you really do make us laugh a bunch week in and week out.  But for some reason you can never make that next step that REALLY gets you noticed and puts you on the path to something truly special.  It’s almost like you’re content with being content, and instead of buckling down and really putting all your heart and soul into something you only try your hardest for a little while in the beginning.  And then, just like everything else you do you lose interest and become happy with the status quo.  Which is probably why all your relationships with women don’t work out in the end either.  You get all excited in the beginning and try to be such a great boyfriend and do all the things good boyfriends do. But after awhile you lose interest and stop putting out the effort and eventually the girl leaves you because she’s sick of watching you waste your potential.”

“And that’s all you do miguel, is waste potential.  You talk a big game, you get people to believe in you and get them to want to follow you.  But in the end you just don’t have the drive and passion to make anything work long term.  That’s why you’re single and alone right now, that’s why you’re still at a job you complain about all the time but never leave, and that’s why you will never make this blog super popular and why you will never be a stand up comedian.  You can’t just “want” to do those things and never try for them.  You can’t just “talk” about wanting to do stand up and wanting your blog to get more exposure.  You need to really try for them miguel, i mean seriously try.  Not once a month, not once or twice a week, but EVERYDAY.  You know what you want out of life and you know what you need to do to go get it, so go out and f’n get it already!!!  Stop half assing these blogs and put out the best comedy you can twice a week!  Stop talking about doing stand up and go out and do stand up comedy already!  Stop obsessing over that girl you wish you could be with and either go get her or find another girl who will be your partner in crime in life and go love her with all of your heart!!  And just stop living in your head for once and get out into the real world and make something of yourself already!!  Because no one is going to do it for you my friend, you need to go out and do it for yourself.  And i’m only going to say this once, because i know your an attention grabbing whore who is always digging for compliments and the LAST thing i want to do is feed your ego any more.  But you’re the money miguel.  You may be lazy, you have have awful grammar and you may never fulfill your true potential.  But you’re a good person, you love your family and friends, and one day some girl will be lucky enough to be the recipient of that love because i know you will treat her better then any guy ever could.  And fine, you’re also funny as f*ck which is the reason i keep coming back to this blog!”

“And if you want one more weekend of just getting wasted and partying your face off, fine.  It’s Clement’s birthday so if you want to go to the city Saturday night and have a great time you should do so because Clement is awesome and besides you deserve it.  But come Sunday i hope you start to turn your life around because this waiting for something big to just happen is killing you.  You need to make it happen miguel, and you need make it happen NOW.  And for your own sake my brother, i hope you do it soon because this status quo stuff just won’t do anymore…”

No, no it won’t.  So starting next week my blog will come out on Tuesday and Thursdays now and starting next week i expect some big changes so let’s see what happens…

Happy Friday everyone!!! 

RANDOM NONSENSE

-It’s so funny when i hear everybody talking about “kids today,” and how much more technology they have and what not.  And by everybody i mean the horrible people around my age who are old as f*ck and have given up on life and are nowhere near the age of any girl i would date.  But anyways, these old basterds always bring up video games and cell phones and say things like “these kids with their video games and cell phones today, they are so spoiled! We never had cell phones or GPS or Ipods, and now 12 year old kids have all these gadgets and it’s ridiculous!”  And i’ll admit it, i say stupid $hit like that too sometimes.  Like i can’t PHATHOM what it’s like to grow up with all the porno they have available to them these days.  Or cell phones in general, or GPS, or the Internet, or ANY OF IT!!  But then i thought about it and was like, it’s ALWAYS been this way.  Every generation looks down on the younger generation and thinks they are spoiled as f*ck.  Think about people who grew up during a time where they had to get water from wells right before faucets and running water was invented.  Those old crumudgeons must have been like “These damn kids today!  They can just turn on a faucet and get water IMMEDIATELY?!?  We had to walk a mile to the well and lug barrels of water back to the house in 100 degree heat!!  These f’n kids sure are spoiled f’n a$$holes these days!”  Alright fine they probably didn’t talk exactly like that, but i’m sure they felt the same stupid way everyone does as they get older.  Oh well, i have zero solutions on this and i know it will never change ever, it was just an observation i thought of as i was getting water to drink from our filtered faucet that we have in our sink in the kitchen.  And notice i didn’t say “funny” observation…

-Do people really drink Gatorade while they are playing sports?  i mean obviously they do according to commercials.  But for real, who can drink that sweet nonsense while acutally in the middle of a game?  i haven’t played sports since high school, which basically means i haven’t played a sport since 1974.  NO!!! i’m not that old baby girls who i hope read my blog!!  And i would admit my real age here now but i kinda have a thing with this 17 year old girl i’m seeing where she doesn’t ask how old i am and i pretend to not know she’s underage.  So unfortunately i need to keep my “true” age under wraps for now…  but ANYWAYS, who can drink Gatorade while they are playing sports?  There is only one thing i can drink when i’m doing anything athletic and that is water, the end.  Am i the only who feels like this?  i mean i get that you can tell me the science of Gatorade replenishing my electrolytes and all that nonsense, but the simple fact is when i’m dehydrated water is the only thing that quenches my thirst.  So i’ll stick to just drinking Gatorade when i’m hungoer (except for Red Gatorade of course…), if i’m playing sports you know i’m drinking good ol H20!  And if the “Water sucks, Gatorade’s better” scene from the movie “The Waterboy” didn’t just pop into your head then you sir are a classless ahole!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – It sounds crazy but i almost wish they would let these dirtbag smokers who smoke at my job smoke inside in the office.  i mean yeah it would smell to high heaven, but at least they wouldn’t get 2 hours more worth of breaks then i get.  EVERY GDDAMN SECOND these fools are walking outside for the 15-45 min smoke break!  Then they come back in smelling like they just buried their faces in a cigarettes pu$$y.  If i can’t take a break to go have a beer and/or smoke a bowl, then you guys shouldn’t be able to take cigarette breaks every gddamn hour.  i’m glad cigarettes are $10 bucks a pack now and they won’t let you smoke anywhere, i hope it goes up to $50 to be honest.  Nice addiction aholes, enjoy that slow painful death you are giving yourself.

“Facebook etiquette”- i saw this post on the “NowUmatter” page on Facebook which is just a cool site my friend runs that has a bunch of funny and cool $hit on it.  i know that’s the worst description ever but whatever, it’s not like a write a blog or anything.  Anyways, if you’re looking for another fun page to follow like that Fap page i told you about this one’s good too it just doesn’t have nearly as many pics of hot girls.  But yeah i saw this post on their page and thought it was funny enough to put on my blog for FB etiquette…

Pretty funny right?  If you want to check out the page it is at NowUmatter on Facebook.  Why not check it out? You “like” every other gddamn stupid thing on FB.

Fast food tips –Speaking of Facebook, Taco Bell has just released it’s new “Cantina Bell” menu and from July 5th through July 7th (which is tomorrow!) if you buy one Cantina Bowl at Taco Bell you get one free!  Apparently this new Cantina menu is T Bell’s attempt to have a “gourmet” menu because they are heavily pushing this chef Lorena Garcia who apparently “has cooked on 4 continents, dazzling celebrities and critics alike and now she’s inspiring us!”  Ugh that last quote i just used from their site was awful and makes me not want to try anything.  But what does make me want to try something is buy one Cantina Bowl at Taco Bell get one free!  “But what’s in the Catina bowl miguel jose?”  Really?  You didn’t talk enough on today’s rant that you’re still interrupting me during RANDOM NONSENSE?  But back to my point, the Cantina Bowl is described as “our new citrus-herb marinated chicken, flavorful black beans, guacamole made from real Haas avocados, roasted corn and pepper salsa, a creamy cilantro dressing, and freshly prepared pico de gallo, all served on a bed of cilantro rice and it’s also available in Steak or Veggie.”  They also have the Cantina burrito and new chips and salsa and guac too but those aren’t buy one get one free.  Oh wait, so now i get it.  They are trying to compete with Chipotle because we all know those Chipotle bowls are so good that i fill my own pants with guacamole made from real Ass avacados.  Alright that doesn’t make sense, but what does make sense is buy one get one free and it’s only good through Saturday so go get one today!  i mean go get two today because like i said it’s buy one get one free.  Wow i literally just said that…

This offer is only good if you get the coupon from Facebook though, so go to the Taco Bell page on FB and clink on the link to get the coupon sent to you.  Or don’t and don’t eat two Catalina Bowls.  It’s your weekend.
ANNNNND i’m spent.  This is my last  Friday blog for awhile and i think that it came out pretty good, no?  No?  Well that’s why i’m done doing Friday blogs for awhile dickface.  But yeah i hope eveyrone has a great weekend, Happy birthday Steve who never reads my blog anymore and i will see all of you on Tuesday!!  -miguel jo$é
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2 Responses to “"Like any dip sh*t rock star knows, when you finish your set and the lights go black and you leave the f**king stage, the show ain’t over. It might seem like it’s over. Some d*ckheads might even start heading back to their car to beat traffic. But the true fans will remain. They’ll chant your name, calling for you, begging for f**king more. And as a person that people see and is famous, it’s your duty to answer those calls. To feed their hunger. One last face melter. People into the audience, raise your lighters and light them to make a flame. Watch your thumb or you may get burnt and get ready for the f**king encore." – Kenny Powers "Eastbound and Down"”

  1. Anonymous July 6, 2012 at 2:35 pm #

    Miguel!! I was JUST saying the gatorade thing to someone the other day! Water is the only thing that quenches thirst, hands down. That other stuff is a poor excuse for a hydrating drink! F electrolytes! If you want some, throw a packet of sugar and salt into your water!

    -a secret crush xoxo 8===D

    Like

  2. Jim July 6, 2012 at 10:15 pm #

    Its about time you started taking this shit serious.

    Like

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