“You know what’s really sad about men? That we can’t have a beautiful thought about a woman that isn’t followed by a disgusting thought about that same woman. We’re not capable of it. We can’t do one without the other. If you’re a woman and a guy’s ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could’ve heard it. That’s how our brains work. ‘She’s an angel…and I want her to drown in my cum.’ – Louie C.K.

3 Jul

“That’s the closest we can get to poetry in our hearts. We love you. We really do. We think you’re angels….and we want you to drown in our cum. We want to drench your angel wings that take you to heaven in our sticky, gooey, disgusting jism. That’s what we want. I’m sorry, that’s just the way we are.

What is up kids?

GdDAMN that’s a ruthless quote to start off my blog! Although for once i feel good about it, especially considering how many ladies read my blog.  And i’m impressed to say i know a bunch of ladies who read my blog, and i’m even more impressed to admit the number of hot girls who read my blog.  Because it’s pretty ridiculous, i’d put up the girls who read my blog against every other blog writer out and there and feel pretty good that i would DOMINATE the competition!  Except for maybe like the Justin Bieber fan site blog of course, because most of the girls who read that blog are from tween to 24 years old.  And no offensive my gorgeous readers but we all know you ladies can’t compete with that action!!!  “Whatever miguel! You can’t compete with anyone who has more then 40 followers on their blog and you’ve been doing this over a year!!”  But did anyone notice i’m at 38 followers now??  i hadn’t had a new one in awhile but i just realized that number went up son!!  Just like i realized this is the longest paragraph EVER to start off my blog…

But anyways, like i was saying that was a pretty ruthless quote to start off my blog.  That quote was actually on his show “Louie”, the show i told you about  when i did my Shows you SHOULD be watching! bit which i’ve only done maybe once i guess?  But that show is hilarious, and you should all be watching it and the new episodes are on Thursday nights on FX i think so watch it up!  Louie’s the money because he starts off rants and bits on one subject and then he goes all over the f’n place to a million other things before he finally gets back to his original idea which at this point you had almost forgotten because he went off on a different tangent for so long….

But yeah like i was saying, the movie “Magic Mike” made 39.2 million dollars this weekend.  Which if you do the math i guess that means we have 39.2 million dollars worth of WHORES in this country…

Hahahah just kidding!  It’s both whores and homosexuals. But yeah jeebus Christmas ladies, you act like you’ve never seen a porno before!  And can i just say for the record that this movie is guilty of reverse sexism against men?  Oh i’m going there bitches so you’d better get ready!  For real, i’ve seen all these girls on Facebook posting nonstop pictures of these chiseled dudes with their shirts off from the movie, and all of these girls posting statuses like “at the movies to see Magic Mike and none of us are wearing any panties!” tagged with Bernice and 15 others…  Really?? You went with 15 other broads to go see that film?? Imagine trying to do that with a bunch of dudes.  Just being like, “Hey honey? So hey me and Rob and Harrison and Charles  and Gerald and Jim and Ken and Albin and Mark and Speegs and  a few other guys are all gonna go to the movies to watch “Magic Women” about these slutty whorebags who get naked on stage and we’re gonna post all about it on Facebook!”  No!!  That never happens!  Because as guys we have to hide our love of porn all the time.  Whether it be by looking at it on our computers or phones, or God forbid we watch a DVD while you’re at work.  We do all of this in hiding and you just get to go to the theater to watch it right in the open!  And you can admit it to everyone on Facebook!  And you read porno’s like “50 Shades of Grey” right in the open too!  Fellas, if you are dating the kind of girl that won’t let you go to a strip club, but then she went to the theater to go see that movie with her friends,  i’ll tell you what my brother.  When we get to the strip club your first lap dance is on me!!!  Because honestly, ladies can enjoy whatever porno they want at any time with no shame!!  And do any of you want to know why this is so????

It’s because it’s so f*cking hot.  Honestly, thank you ladies.  It’s about f’n time.  For real, keep checking out porn.  You’re hot, it’s hot, we dig it, and it makes you hot and dig us.  So go enjoy your movie and let me reap the benefits please!!!  Go see your magic movie, go read your 50 shades of miguel.  But never, ever forget my sweet precious angels that we want to drown in our cum, there are 39.2 million dollars of you that are whores in this country, at least.  And that’s just as of now….


-i REFUSE to do any ironing.  Basically ever.  Which sucks because i have a whole wardrobe that i will never get to wear because i just won’t iron them $hits.  The problem is i have one plan, Plan A.  And Plan A revolves around putting the garment into the dryer on high heat and to wait.  And if it’s too wrinkled for that maybe i’ll try putting it on a hanger when i’m in the shower and hope the steam from the hot water gets out the wrinkles.  i guess that’s plan B so i really have two plans, i lied.  Anyways, whoever i marry better like ironing because i’m not doing that $hit.  i’ll do laundry and clean and mop and vacuum and bang, i’m just not down for doing any ironing, okay?  Now go make me a sandwich, iron my shirt and give me a bl0w job honey! i’m guessing it’s talk like that which might be the reason i’m still single right now…

-Is there anything more disappointing in life then a candy dish that has AWFUL candy?  i feel like a candy dish should be a peace offering, a thank you if you will to the people who are nice enough to stop by and visit you.  But when i come by and all you have is awful crap like Werther’s originals, or GOD FORBID those awful peppermint candy cane mints i really want to punch you in your stupid face.  At this point you might as well take a big juicy dump in a candy bowl and let me grab out of that because that’s all you’re offering me grandpa!  It’s Dos Doce people, which means it’s time to hook up the Skittles, and Hershey kisses and peanut butter cups and M&M’s, the kind of candy that makes me go booooooWHIP in my pants!  For real, the world’s gonna end in 2012, and you want me to go out eating gross butterscotch hard candies that come in that awful yellow/gold wrapping?  Why do you hate me so much?? And you can judge your candy dish with a simple thought process.  If your candy dish doesn’t make me think about filling my entire pockets with the entire bowl when no one is looking then you might as well not have one at all.  So either get rid of the garbage hard candy and get me some name brand goodness or i will never stop by your desk ever because you are a classless douchbag.

Miguel’s Money Movie Review: “The Incredibles” is a fantastic movie. OOOOH who saw the Incredibles turn coming on this blog Jewell!!! No one!! But yeah the movie has great artwork, a great plot, great voices, incredible directing, a fantastic bad guy… who when you think about it was a superhero serial killer!!  That is f’n RAW DOG, i mean not just a killer but a serial killer of superheroes??  Watch that movie again, when they scroll through the list of superheroes that got killed by all of those versions of that robot thing you start to realize holy S that’s a crazy amount of superheroes he murdered!  So yeah the bad guy is money, the overall idea of superheroes getting sued by f*cking ahole people in this country made a whole ton of sense, and plus it’s a great family movie without being overly cheesy that everyone can enjoy.  So i’m saying A plus to this movie!!!  It is definitely the money, and out of all the dumb movies that have horrific sequels i hope this smart one has one soon! 

-Speaking of movies, has everyone seen “Van Wilder?”  And i guess i have to say the original because there was that poor sequel with Kumar that came out after that one and then there was the even worse sequel after that with neither Taj or the Green Lantern were in.  But remember the first one, how he had Kumar as his little like Indian helper guy?  i always kind of wanted one of those, but like a petite Indian girl instead of a guy.  Like i’d totally respect her and everything, it wouldn’t be like i was “hazing” her.  But she’d like take notes for me, and write down bits for me when i came up with them, and write my blog as i said it out loud to her, and did like my laundry (and ironing of course), and she would go get the beer pong ball when it goes under the table or into that bush.  i don’t know, is it racist to want this?  i’m definitely not talking about anything sexual, and it’s not like this is an unpaid position because i would definitely  pay her and stuff.  The whole relationship would be very businesslike but i’d like to also feel a kind of friendship developing.  In my pants!!  NO!!!  Not that last part.  But everything else is true.  Maybe i’ll have an open tryout section like they do in the movie.  But i won’t end up banging Tara Reid because she is gross.  Well not that gross but she’s over 25 which is close enough…

Fast food tips – All summer long McDonalds drinks are only $1 for any size!  Excluding Shakes of course, let’s not get crazy here.  Or Mcflurries either, i know one person who saw that $1 drink bit and she made a Rolo Mcflurry in her pants before she realized they also don’t count.  But yeah drinks for a bean is a pretty money deal considering how gddamn f’n hot it is out these days.  A Large $1 coke and/or ice tea, or a dollar medium iced coffee sounds like a refreshing idea to me!!  Thanks you! You creepy pedophile clown!

And that is IT for me today kids.  i hope everyone has the money 4th even though it’s on a stupid Wednesday.  Why don’t they just make this holiday on the first or second Monday in July so we always get a 3 day weekend?  That’s the best way to honor the birth of America, this Wednesday $hit is for the birds!  But yeah enjoy your day off tomorrow unless you are one of the unlucky ones who actually still goes in and i will see you allon Friday!   And oh yeah, this will be my last Friday blog for awhile because starting next week i’m switching to Thursdays.  “Hey ahole, stop switching all the time so we can follow your dumb ass!”  Trust me i want to, but i don’t think that many people read on Fridays during the summer so i’m gonna try out Thursdays for awhile.  And if anyone has any ideas on how i can get more readers and/or followers please let me know because i’m all ears! i mean i’m hot and funny and great in bed and hot, i’m just not smart so any help would be appreciated. 
But yeah happy birthday America and i’ll see you kids Friday!  -miguel jo$é


One Response to ““You know what’s really sad about men? That we can’t have a beautiful thought about a woman that isn’t followed by a disgusting thought about that same woman. We’re not capable of it. We can’t do one without the other. If you’re a woman and a guy’s ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could’ve heard it. That’s how our brains work. ‘She’s an angel…and I want her to drown in my cum.’ – Louie C.K.”

  1. Jim July 3, 2012 at 6:46 pm #

    I think you just honored America with your best blog ever. Go America!


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