i go to Subway, and i go there not just because it’s fun watching a clinically depressed person throw together your sandwich… They make it right in front of you! You’d think they’d do it with a little bit of flair. – Jim Gaffigan

26 Jun

What is up kids?

Man am i beat right now.  Between happy hour with my sister Rachael on Friday, and then going to Atlantic City on Saturday night to see Jim Gaffigan f’n kill at the Borgata at 7 pm, and then a full Beck concert at the Music Box also at the Borgata at 9:30 pm, i’ve just been a totally rocked up mess who partied it up the entire time.  And then to cap it all off i went to the Pride parade Sunday night in the city.  So needless to say i am super exhausted!  And sore!  And apparently a homosexual…

Can you see me way in the back?  i’m the one holding the…

No i didn’t go to the Pride parade you silly geese!  That part was the exaggeration of the joke, otherwise known as the “punchline.”  i find punchlines to be much more funny when you have to explain the joke. And i should know what i’m talking about, i’m about 133 blogs deep and i’m only getting better with each one.  Wait, hold on a second…what did i just say? i’ve written 133 gddamn blogs?!?!?  That is a LOT of f’n nonsense from my dome kids, no joke.  i feel like once you write a certain amount of blogs you should be considered legally “insane”, just like how if you do a certain amount of acid in your life you’re literally medically diagnosed as an insane person.  Or is that even true?  i always heard about that growing up but i have no idea if that is actually true or not.  Someone Google that for me please, i’m in the middle of a rant right now.

But yeah Saturday night was one of the greatest nights of my life.  Everything went perfect, well besides our hotel room of course.  Besides being a $hithole that had no ice and no hot water, it was also FILLED with a million white trash Metallica fans that were there for the Metallic concert going on right across the street from us.  And if you saw what these fans looked like you could tell the fact that our hotel had no hot water did not bother them at all since they obviously had zero interest showering.  White people really are disgusting sometimes.  And for the record, having no ice f’n SUCKS MY BALLS.  When you bring a bottle of vodka and club to pre-game before you go out, but then you find out you have no ice so you’re pounding warm vodka in the 1/2 hour you have before you go out you will still drink that S out of principle… but you won’t be happy about it, trust me.

But despite that minor unpleasantness we made it to the Borgata on time, boozed it up heavily and saw Gaffigan put on the money show.  i don’t want to ruin his bits because you should seriously watch them for yourselves (and if i ruin anything else for Jewell in his life he’ll kill me) but holy S balls he has this bit on body wash and another on fortune cookies that were just the funniest $hit ever.  And seeing him on stage also reminded me how much i love stand up comedy.  i swear man, i gotta f’n go out and do some stand-up ASAP.  i mean telling jokes and trying to make people laugh and getting all sorts of attention both positive and negative… these are all of my favorite things!  That’s my promise to myself for the summer, i will perform 3 times by my birthday in August.  That should be MAD easy to do, so so let’s see if i can f’n do it…

After Gaffigan we were able to just walk down the hall to the Music Box and drink a ton more at that bar and have the best gddamn seats i have ever had at anything when we were 5th row for Beck.  i totally blew it and told my friends that he was going to put on a mellow show, one that was mostly acoustic and possibly some country songs.  Which is what he did except for the exact opposite.  He f’n rocked the $hit out of that place and played all his hits from all his albums.  “So you mean he played “Loser” over and over again?”  No you uncultured moron, he has way more hits then that.  And he did them all, and he was like 10 feet away from us, and he was money, and at some point i was crying while whacking off.  All of that’s true except that we were more like 12 feet away…

So yeah just the sickest night ever.  Whens the last time you got to see two of your idols do a show in the same night, at the same place, and have the best seats ever to both with your best friends?  My girl Jenn V told me if the world ends this year it’s all my fault because between that night in AC with Beck and Gaffigan, and the Giants winning the Superbowl and the Devils knocking the Rangers out of the playoffs and the Mets finally pitching a no hitter… this world is definitely going to end this year!  And to top it all off i actually went to go see that girl from my break-up letter from blog 100 after not seeing her for over 10 years and…

So yeah basically between all of this going on in my life and the Mayans predictions for 2012 the world is gonna end this year and it’s probably my fault.  So you are welcome!  And oh yeah… here it comes….
LATER DICKS!

RANDOM NONSENSE

-i don’t know what makes me a worse Mexican, the fact that i don’t speak Spanish or the fact that i HATE f”n soccer.  Are they kidding me with this new tournament that is going on??  Who f’n watches this garbage?  Except these third world countries that have to play soccer because all you need to play that sport is a ball and tons of open field which is what most of these awful countries have?  It’s bad enough when i have to ignore that awful World Cup that comes around every 4 years, now you’re going to throw this other stupid soccer thing at me now too?  And people ALWAYS root for their own country like it means anything.  “Let’s go Italy!”  “Go England!”  “Sieg heil Germany!”  Really? You think playing a dumb game for 5 hours that ends in a tie and going to a shoot out (which is the dumbest way to decide a soccer outcome ever) means your country is the best?? i didn’t play one second of that soccer game with Italy versus England this weekend and i scored as many goals as all those jerk-offs combined.  So just cut it out already soccer, you’re gayer then that Pride parade i didn’t go to for a few hours this weekend.  And you’ll never be big in this country, ever.  Oh, and make it legal to use your hands in the sport you fools.  “Whoo hoo i’m hitting the ball with my head!”  Yeah you are, because you are an a$$hole. 

-For the love of Christ and God in heaven… do NOT drink an entire bottle of extra strength 5 hour Energy unless you want to be up for the next 48 to 72 hours.  This stuff WORKS my friends, and it works way too f’n much to be honest.  i took one at around 6 o’clock on Saturday night when i went to see Gaffigan and Beck, and i honestly did not go to sleep until 1 am Sunday night.  And it wasn’t like i was out of my mind insane for being up so long, i actually just kind of felt okay.  Which is f’n scary as $hit, because i also boozed really heavy and danced my face off at the Beck show and then walked around the Borgata for hours on ends while Clement played Texas Hold em’ and i got myself a bacon cheesesteak from the Tony Luke’s they have there.  And i know i normally don’t make any of you laugh with my bits but for once i’m not trying to do so.  For real, be careful with that extra strength 5 hour stuff because it is liquid cocaine!  And not in the good way guy who was just thinking that!!  You know who you are…

-Whenever i see someone on the road who has been pulled over by a cop, i always slow down to check just so i can see what race the person is.  If it’s a black guy or a minority in general i always just assume that the cop is racist, and whenever (the few times that it happens) it is a white person who got pulled over i can honestly say i’m kinda happy about it.  Does that make me racist?  i don’t think so.  i’m not saying that i’m rooting for white people to get pulled over, i’m just saying if i happen to see someone pulled over and it’s going to have to be somebody, i am just hoping that somebody ends up being a white person.  And oh yeah i also root for white people to get pulled over.  Alright fine i’m racist.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- i think i get why most girls don’t watch porn.  i mean yeah i know some girls do but for the most part the majority of women don’t watch porn the way guys do.  And it’s not because girls aren’t into sex, and it’s definitely not because girls don’t have “dirty” minds.  Because for real we all know that when it comes right down to it you ladies have filthy disgusting minds and have no problems being complete whorebags for your man.  So i think the real reason girls don’t watch porn is because porn is a fantasy, and for something to be a fantasy it can’t happen in real life.  Like us guys have to fantasize about their young tight brunette science teacher keeping them after class and wanting to play with our test tubes.  And we have to fantasize about our hot blonde boss who keeps us after 5 so we can work “Overtime” in between their legs.  And us guys have to fantasize about that cute red head who works at Shoprite who takes us in the back to scan my groceries.  Alright that last description wasn’t hot but you get my point.  Anyways these are all “fantasies” that guys have, because it’s most likely never going to happen.  But if you’re a girl and you want to bang the pizza delivery guy you don’t have to fantasize about it, just tell the guy you wanna bang and he will be down.  And if you want to bang your teacher you just need to say “hey teach, bang me!’ and as long as he’s not hung up on statutory laws you’ll be all set.  So there is no fantasy for women, if they want it they can do it.  So basically what i’m saying is hey red head at Shoprite if you want me just tell me already!!!
Fast food tips – Popeyes is launching it’s new “Zatarain Butterfly Shrimp” deal that will be available through July 29th.  They describe it as 8 succulent shrimp with Zatarain’s seasoning and signature cornmeal breading, Cajun fries, a biscuit and lemon garlic dipping sauce that is a creamy, tart lemon garlic sauce that includes parsley and red pepper flakes for a tangy touch at only $4.99.  And just reading that description left me a creamy tangy touch in my shorts.  i’m trying to stay away from fast food for a hot one so someone please go eat this and tell me how good it is!  i’m looking at you jay john! i know you dig Popeye’s bad like any good minority does.

THINGS THAT GUYS NEVER WANT TO HEAR AT A URINAL – “Did that waxing hurt?”

That’s it for me today kids.  i hope everyone is having as good a summer as i am so far even though that’s impossible!  Plus i’m getting ready to go to Cape Cod with my family for the weekend so i will be dos for dos with money weekends so far this summer.  Man my life is getting better then ever!  Which can only explain why all of existance is going to end in 2012.  Oh well, if things keep up like this i honestly won’t give a f*ck.  So enjoy life while you can kids and i will see you on Friday! – miguel jo$é

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One Response to “i go to Subway, and i go there not just because it’s fun watching a clinically depressed person throw together your sandwich… They make it right in front of you! You’d think they’d do it with a little bit of flair. – Jim Gaffigan”

  1. Berlin.up.in.here June 27, 2012 at 5:50 pm #

    Oh we're dropping sieg heils? This is the best blog ever. SIEG WHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

    Like

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