Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does that do me? – Homer Simpson

19 Jun

What is up kids?

It’s almost summertime, which means it’s probably about time to start reading some new books.  Is anyone reading anything good right now?  “Well i’m reading your blog at the moment so i can honestly say no i am not!”  Thanks ahole, i meant is anyone reading any good “books” right now?  But thanks for that, i appreciate you being a big bag of douche as always.

Looking back, i feel like i used to read SO many books when i was younger.  i’ve been a fan of books my entire life starting from when i was a kid.  From those “Choose your own Adventure” books where you’re the star of the story!  That’s right, you could pick different outcomes of the story by making decisions for the characters, except you would always just cheat and just go back and redo your choice if it was the wrong one.  i used to read all of the Judy Blume books, from “Tales of a Fourth grade Nothing” to “Superfudge.”  “Of course you read those books, you’re an oversensitive pansy and probably cried in your dress the entire time!  Especially when Peter got all worried about having a new sibling, Lord knows he couldnt’ deal with another brother like Fudge!”  Wow you really like Judy Blume, huh?  i never saw that coming. 

And if you’ve been paying attention to my blogs and Lord knows that you haven’t, you should already know how much i love Shel Silverstein who is one of the moneyest poets ever.  “A Light in the Attic” and “Where the Sidewalk Ends” are two of my favorite poetry collections ever, and yes it’s because they use easy words and have silly pictures.  Eat me.  Although speaking of books, it’d be impossible to mention my favorites without naming “The Dark Tower” series by Stephen King, a series of books that spanned over 3 decades and changed my life forever.  Actually it’s over 4 decades if you count his latest addition “The Wind through the Keyhole” which only came out a month ago.  But none of these books compare to the fourth book in the series, “The Wizard and the Glass.” It was Stephen King’s first love story he’s ever written and it’s also the best book i have ever read in my life.

But yeah i don’t read anywhere near as much as i did when i was growing up.  Nowadays i try to read when i can, but it is just so gddamn HARD.  i’ve talked about this before but i have these DEAFENING thoughts that make me stay on the same gddamn page for over an hour never getting anywhere.  Plus reading makes me so gddamn TIRED, even if i’m into a book my eyes get so heavy and i want to nap after like 4 pages.  So it totally sucks how much of a struggle it is to try and read a book these days, but i’m done using all the excuses and i am finally checking out some “new” books.  i just finished Anthony Bourdain’s “No Reservations” which was really good.  .  Plus i was finally given the first “Game of Thrones” book from my boy Rob so i’m fired up to start that one next.  Although part of me wonders if i can get through it all…

And no, i’m not going to read any of these on a Kindle.  Or a Kindle “Fire.”  i don’t know, i guess those things look cool but i’m not really a fan of them.  Maybe it’s because i’m oldschool, or just old in general.  But yeah i don’t want to read a monitor when i’m reading a book.  Can’t i just turn some gddamn pages please?  Technology is a fantastic thing, but sometimes it moves too fast and you end up missing out on some of the great things we used to have.  Like personally, i love to write.  Not type, i mean write words on paper with a pen.  “Whatever Grandpa!  i just sent you a page on your beeper back in 1996, let me know if you get it!  Oh and i put “911” so you know to call me immediately!  Man, you are one pathetic aging a$$hole!”  Yeah yeah i’m old and i don’t get things anymore.  Eat me.  i’m not giving up on all technology but i’m going to stick with books as long as i can. 

And i don’t hate all technology, i like that i can text people instead of call them.  i don’t think i’ve been on an actual phone call since 2007.  And i guess Kindle’s are money but would you really bring a computer like that to the beach?  i’m not scientist but sand gets f’n everywhere and i can’t imagine that’s great for a Kindle.  Or maybe it is, who knows…

i guess i could have come up with a better topic for my last blog of the Spring!  But i just came back to work after having a day off and i want to murder everybody and everything.  It sucks when it’s almost not worth taking a vacation day because when you come back you spend even more time catching up.  It also sucks that my job is soul crushing and no one ever does anything to try and make it better.  But what doesn’t suck is that we are almost in the summer, and what also doesn’t suck are my plans for this Saturday which may end up being THE GREATEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE.    i will tell you all about that on Friday’s blog though, now it’s time to get to the nonsense!!!


-So i didn’t know that blu-ray players could also play DVD’s.  Holy $hitballs i am an out of touch old man who should die already.  But yeah i usually don’t care when i don’t keep up with all the latest technology and fads.  For example, what is “The Dub Step?”  From what i can tell it’s either a type of music or a new bar in Hoboken,  i’m not sure which.  Anyways, i just bought myself a Blu-Ray player because someone finally told me they also play DVD’s and that changed my whole outlook on them.  Because i have so many DVD’s!  Why would i get a Blu-Ray player if it made i can only play Blu-Rays and it makes all my DVD’s useless?  And why would i think that they would make Blu-Ray players that play DVD’s?  i just automatically assumed that ruthless corporate America would make it so that Blu-Ray players only play blu-rays so that anyone with a huge DVD collection like me would have to start ALL over again and buy everything again but in Blu-Rays. Some of you probably think i’m a moron but why would i not just assume they just want to f*ck me?  i thought they did it the same way they do new phones.  Every time a new phone comes out you  need to also get a new charger because of COURSE they don’t want you using the old charger.  They want to charge you twice and A rape you and make you buy a new one! So yeah i just kinda assumed it was the same thing for these Blu-ray players.  So if anyone didn’t know these players play both Blu-Rays AND DVDs you do now.  You are welcome.

“OLDSCHOOL” NONSENSE- Why do gay guys love girls with big boobs?  i’ve noticed that any gay guy i know, and trust me, that is a LOT of them, they always associate with at least one girl who is pushing at least DD status.  And it’s weird because they obviously don’t get a rise in their pants over them, they are just fascinated by them and love playing with them.  Which really makes them no different then any other guy, except for the fact that they are also into disgusting hairy man ass.  Which is a pretty big difference i guess.

-So Hanes has these new commercials where they are promoting the fact that none of their boxers or t-shirts have “tags” anymore.  And holy S balls that is a fantastic idea and i can’t believe how long it took to think of this!  It’s like how long it took to realize they should put bacon in a sundae like they do at Burger King, because i definitely had one and i must tell you my friends it was the f*cking MONEY!!  The salty crispy bacon dripping in all that fudge and ice cream made me shoot my man goo into my shorts in wonderful delight!  And while i didn’t have that same reaction when i heard about the no tags move by Hanes it still is the money idea and it still deserves to get a shout out.  Not the Money Shout out of the week though, that goes to…

The Money $hout-out of the Week-

-it goes to Kate Upton of course!  And yeah i know, i’m mad predictable.  Eat me.  And besides, i can’t help it. i’m in love! 

“OLDSCHOOL” Tips for “OLDSCHOOL” Video Games:
Have you been playing Goldeneye 007 on N64 lately?  If you haven’t been you should be, that game is the f’n MONEY.  One of the best games of all time to be honest.  But even if you have been playing it did you know the code to make yourself ‘INVINCIBLE”???  No?  Well then you’re in luck because here it is!


You need release all the buttons in the sequence simultaneously before inputting the next sequence. Enter the code during the game; press start and enter:
L + Down
R + C-Right
R + C-Up
L + Right
L + C-Down
R + C-Up
L + Rigth
R + Down
L + Left
L + R + C-Right

Fast food tips – i f’n HATE sweet potatoes.  Just straight up despise them.  And i’m not a picky person at all when it comes to food.  In fact, besides sweet potatoes i can’t say too many other foods i don’t like.  Meat loaf’s another one i don’t like.  i don’t get why, i dig the ingredients and all.  i guess i just don’t like meat in loaf form.  Anyways, even though i hate sweet potatoes a lot of people love them, especially sweet potato fries.  And right now Burger King has sweet potato fries.  So if you’re into that kind of nonsense, enjoy!

That’s it for me kids.  i hope everyone has a great week and a better day then i’m having that’s for sure.  But like i said, summer is almost here and the greatest night of life is only a few days away so let’s just get through this stupid f’n week and start the weekend already!!!

See you kids on Friday…  miguel jo$é


One Response to “Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does that do me? – Homer Simpson”

  1. Jim June 19, 2012 at 8:22 pm #

    Read anything by Bill Bryson, you can thank me later.


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