Nobody gives a f*ck about Daddy. Think about everything that the "real" daddy does: Pay the bills, buy the food, put a f*cking roof over your head, everything you could ever ask for. Make your world a better, safer place. And what does daddy get for all his work? The big piece of chicken. That’s all daddy gets! – Chris Rock "Bigger and Blacker"

15 Jun

What is up kids?

It’s a beautiful day to be alive my friends, and i mean that more then ever.  i gotta admit, it’s been a very strange week in my life.  i can’t get into all of it here but let’s just say a lot of things have been put in perspective for me and my dome is all over the place…

But it’s Friday, and no one wants to hear about any of that nonsense!  Plus it is Father’s day this Sunday and i would like to hit up that topic for a hot one, if not only because a lot of my friends are actually fathers now.  $hit, who am i kidding?  Half these fools are working on their 2nd and 3rd kids now, it’s f’n crazy!  And i say it’s crazy because these are the same guys i have memories of doing power hours with and doing all sorts of crazy drugs in college and hitting up Burger King with them at 4 am after a night of heavy blazin and watching Teletubbies on shrooms as we all lost our minds trying to figure out how to lower the volume on the T.V. before we just gave up and went outside to throw up that poison everywhere and then keep blazin.  You mean THOSE are the guys who are raising kids now??

Well God bless them, because Lord knows i’m not doing that anytime soon.  i probably shouldn’t even be responsible for my own life let alone the life of a little child.  i honestly cannot grasp all my friends having kids now.  i mean i get it obviously, but the idea of it is still so crazy to me.  And it’s not that i think i’d be a bad father myself, i’m sure if i ever do have kids i’d be a pretty money dad.  i mean i had a hamster once and that lived for a little bit and that’s basically the same thing, right? 

But i will say that i did learn a lot from my own dad, even though it took me YEARS to finally know and appreciate everything he did for our family.  This guy was in the Marines, graduated from Fordham University and somehow raised 5 kids in a house he bought in a New Jersey suburb.  Plus he was on the Board of Education, he came to all our school events and even coached a bunch of our sport teams.  Although you know those coaches that totally spoil their own kids on their team and make them the star player and give them all that special treatment?  Well that was kind of like my dad except the complete opposite…

But besides that, my dad worked a job in the city everyday and had to take the bus at 7 am and would usually not get home until 7 pm or later depending if he needed to stop off for a drink.  And who can blame him?  Doing that commute to work for years and years, only to come home and then have to go to all sorts of sports games or concerts or plays or whatever.  Whose to deny this guy a drink?  And growing up we always had enough food in the house, we always had cable and a yard to play in, and once i hit 6th grade i even got my own room.  We were able to use the car once we could drive, and he even took our family to Cape Cod for a family vacation every year in a cabin on the beach.  And we still take that vacation every July 4th week to this day.

My dad’s retired now, and i hope he’s enjoying the rest because he deserves it.  Although knowing him he probably still wishes he was working because he’s a maniac.  i could retire tomorrow and be fine with that decision forever, and i’d be more then happy to do nothing all the time.  And out of all the children in my family i would say i’m easily the child who is most like my dad.  We are both loudmouth partiers that love to joke around with people and make sure everyone’s having a good time.  My dad is more good natured then i am, i’m way more of an obnoxious jerk then he is that’s for sure.  But that’s probably because i’m way more selfish and could never imagine giving my own life up for that of my family the way he did.

We didn’t always have a great relationship though.  In fact, during high school i pretty much hated his guts and didn’t appreciate any of the things i listed above.  So i must say i am very grateful for the fact that when i was old enough to start understanding everything he did for us and was finally mature enough to respect him and thank him for all he did, that he was willing to forgive what a gddamn a$$hole i was as a kid and let me repair our relationship.  There isn’t a time when i see my dad now where i don’t kiss him and tell him i love him because i do.  And i spent so much of my younger life not telling him any of this that but at some point i made a promise to myself that i would never be that way again, and i think i’ve been pretty good at keeping that promise. 

So to all you dads out there including my own, i hope you have a great Father’s day.  i don’t know if i’ll ever join those ranks myself, but even if i don’t that doesn’t mean i don’t appreciate what you do and how hard you work and what you’ve given up in order to provide for your family.  And speaking of what you given up, since you can’t live that party lifestyle anymore i feel like that’s only more of a reason for me to keep boozing my face off.  Not so much for myself, but for the dads out there that can’t do it anymore and just society in general.  So when your changing diapers tonight and waking up at all hours to take care of your screaming children, i will be playing pong and eating fast food late night and sleeping till 3 p.m. in the afternoon on a Saturday.  But i am not doing any of this for myself, i’m doing it for you dads!!!


-So i have a habit of interrupting people a lot, but it’s not for the reason you think.  “So you’re saying it’s not because your an inconsiderate rude dirty Mexican?  Because that’s what i was thinking!”  i know that’s what your thinking, which is exactly why i said it’s not for the reason you think.  But yeah i don’t interrupt people because i think what i have to say is more important then what they are saying.  And i don’t interrupt people because i don’t want to hear what they have to say.  The real reason i do it is because i have ZERO memory, and if i don’t say something right when it comes into my mind i will forget it immediately and it will never come back.  i find the main problem is that there is short term memory and long term memory, and my brain sucks donkey balls at both of them.  So when people are talking and i get a stupid thought in my dumb head i just blurt it out immediately interrupting people all the time. But i do that knowing if i interrupt someone they will most likely remember what they were talking about and be able to get back to it.  i on the other hand, must say what i think right when i think it or my hilarious thought would be lost forever.  “Is it as hilarious as this bit you’re writing now?  Because if it is then maybe you’d be better off forgetting these thoughts…”  Touche you witty a$$hole. 

-Speaking of racist people, if you’re wondering what the most racist thing is i heard all week that would be what my friend Allie asked me while she was working behind the bar at the 9 Iron Grille last night.  Only a hot blonde bartender can ask a Mexican/Dominican guy “So did you go to your Puerto Rican Day parade this week?” and get away with it without me punching them in the face.  But in her defense, all of us brown people look the same to her so she had no idea.  “Wait, didn’t you say a few blogs ago that other girl Nicole who works at 9 Iron called you Puerto Rican too?  How racist are those girls who work at 9 Iron?” EXTREMELY, but like i said they are also hot so whatever i’ll deal with it.  And when i bang all these racist broads later it will make the victory and their vaginas that much sweeter!

Was that last part a bit much?  Probably.  But whatever, keep calling me Puerto Rican you silly crackers.  Just keep looking hot when you do it! 🙂

“OLDSCHOOL” NONSENSE – i keep saying i want to give up drinking, but there’s always an event or holiday that makes me blow it immediately.  I’m giving on Monday! oh wait St. Patty’s day’s this week… Alright fine First week of May! Oh wait it’s Cinco de Mayo and my friends’ bday.  That’s it i’m quitting tomorrow!  oh wait that’s right, Friday’s on a Friday this week…

“Facebook etiquette”- What’s the best thing that has happened to you today?” Let me think about it… how about when Facebook let me come up with my own $hitty status updates and didn’t bother suggesting what i should write about?  Has anyone even bothered to adhere to that awful suggestion?  i hope not.  And in fact, if i am friends with you on FB and i see you post the best thing that has happened to you today i am immediately unsubscribing to your nonsense.  i’d say “de-friend” but that’s a little rough.  Just because you are dumb and stupid doesn’t make you a bad person.  Alright maybe it does.  “Well for the record, reading your blog is the best thing that happened to me today!”  Thank you, nobody that was thinking that. 

-“Marijuana support is at a record high… just like it’s supporters.”  – Stephen Colbert

Haha i should probably save that quote to start off a different blog but i just read that on FB and it’s hilarious so there ya go.  “Wow, the only funny thing in your blog and it was written by someone else.  Who would have gue…” You know for someone who hates my blog so much you sure have a lot of comments during it!  And for the record, i didn’t interrupt you there because if i didn’t i would forget what i wanted to say.  i interrupted you because i am rude and because you’re a jerk.

Fast food tips –This summer Burger King is coming out with a “Bacon Sundae” in an apparent move to try and win over people’s hearts and put a hard on in our pants.  There’s not too much too describe with this, it’s a hot fudge sundae with bacon, the end.  i had planned to give up fast food for the summer, but now i’m thinking i have a new plan that will involve me buying one of these bacon sundaes everyday and eating one before masturbating to see which orgasm is better. 

That’s enough comedy for a Friday blog, dontcha think?  Well i hope everyone has a great weekend, i coudln’t be happier that it’s Friday and i couldn’t be happier that i have zero plans.  Well boozing and blazin probably but nothing set in stone haha.  But enjoy your weekend everyone and i will see you on Tuesday!  –  miguel jo$é

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