A junk ball’s an impossible pitch to hit yard any place except the new Yankee Stadium, which is a joke. -Daniel Tosh

12 Jun

What is up kids?

Man it just feels like summer already, doesn’t it?  i know some people consider it the summer once Memorial day weekend is here.  However, to those of us who aren’t fancy enough to have houses down the shore the summer doesn’t start for the rest of us until June 21st.  Although personally, i feel like the summer doesn’t start for me until i see a concert.  Is anyone going to any shows this summer?  My sister just saw a concert recently.  It was a country show so i didn’t want to bring it up but she did see the show at Jones Beach.  Have any of you ever seen a concert at Jones Beach in New York?  Or as i like to call it… “Nazi Germany?”  Holy S balls ,there isn’t a worse place to try and tailgate on the planet.  They’ve got the gestapo driving up and down the parking lot to make sure no one is drinking or having any fun, and besides that once you get inside THEY DO NOT SERVE ANY ALCOHOL!!!!   Because that’s cool, when i go to see a band in concert i usually want to be completely sober.  Although speaking of being sober for a show, this reminds me of a money yet awful concert story i’d like to share with you now.

Anytime there is a big concert i want to go to, i almost always go with my boy Rob.  He is CRAZY into music, as much as i dig comedy shows and comedians and movies and stuff this kid f’n LOVES music.  Which i think is awesome, i wish i was into music now as much as he still is today.  i used to be into music that much, but that was back in high school when there were actually good bands on the radio.  But anyways, there have been plenty of concerts where me and this kid pregame WAY too hard and are so bombed that we don’t even remember the show… and i’m going to tell you one of those stories today!

i forget the year but i’m thinking it had to be 2003ish maybe?  Rob tells me it was March 2003.  Anyways we went to see this band “Zwan” which is a band Billy Corgan the lead singer of the Smashing Pumpkins formed after the Pumpkins broke up for  awhile.  And Zwan was really f’n good, they only put out the one album but it was really f’n fantastic and super underrated.  They sounded a lot like the Smashing Pumpkins only way more positive, their music was actually kind of uplifting instead of the normal put a razor to my wrists as i listen to this Smashing Pumpkins song.  Anyways we start pre-gaming before the show and get totally and completely $hitfaced before it even starts, like, WAY before it starts.  The show was at the Hammerstein Ballroom which is basically just a big… ballroom.   Eat me.  So we get in there and we make our way pretty close to the stage and the show starts.  They opened with “Mary Star of the Sea” which is the title track of the album, and the only reason i remember that at all is because me and Rob had a bet on what the first song would be and we were both wrong.

And that’s about all i remember from that show other then being drunken disasters who kept getting yelled at by people.  Mostly because me and him were loud drunk talking aholes the entire show ruining it for everyone. But we were so bombed we didn’t care.  Speaking of not caring, since we had a decent spot for the show (and everyone knows you can’t leave your spot to go to the bathroom or you’ll lose it) we both just pissed in our beer bottles the entire time instead of making our way to the bathroom.  Which i’ll admit at the time i felt was a classy move.   And i’m not gonna lie, at one point we didn’t even bother with the bottles anymore and we just started pissing on the floor, and i’m pretty sure i hit the girl in front of us.  Like really sure.  i’m not proud of that moment, i’m not ashamed either.  Alright i’m a little ashamed.  Oh well, i’m over it.

i’d like to say that moment was rock bottom for us for the night, i’d like to say that.  But after the show we don’t remember from a band that will never get back together again we had to walk back to our car.  So walking home we decide we’re starving so we stop and get pizza.  We eat some yummy slabs and then keep walking and then we saw that McDonalds had something on sale for .99 cents (even though i can’t remember what it was) so we went in and ate a bunch of that garbage.  Then we go to the next block and see a Gray’s Papaya so of course we had to get that too!  Well we didn’t have to, but of course we had to!  By this point we are so gddamn full we can’t move, so what do we do?  That’s right, we walk down the block and throw up everything everywhere. Just two drunk, disgusting, sweaty puking disasters throwing up pizza, Mcdonalds and hot dogs all over the sidewalk. Then we crossed the street and watched people walk by MORTIFIED by the horrific scene we had painted on the ground with our lungs.  The only sad part about this whole ordeal (besides our actual lives and what we do with them) is that we saw the doorman who worked at the building have to come out and spray down our vomit with a hose to try and clean it up.  That part we felt bad about, everything else including the girl that got peed on we’re totally fine with.

And what’s the point of this entire story?? i really can’t wait to go to a concert this summer!  Oh and if you get pizza and Mcdonalds drunk after a concert don’t worry about the Greys Papaya, you don’t need it.  You are welcome America!


-So summer is almost here which can only mean one thing… girls are gonna dress like sluts!  And oh yeah, in addition to that lightning bugs are going to start appearing again.  Which i’ve always found to be a weird phenomenon, mostly because it’s funny to me that they are so social acceptable.  Have you ever noticed that? No one has any problems with lightning bugs, in fact people are usually happy when they get to see them.  But why is that?  Everyone hates insects, for the most part when anyone sees insects they get grossed out and immediately want to squish them or swat them or at least spray them with something.  But for some reason people have zero problems with lightning bugs.  Is it just because their butts glow?  Is it really as simple as that?  Yes, yes it is.  i am convinced that as long as something blinks or beeps or spins the people on this planet will love it.  Maybe Sandusky could try that in court, like wear Christmas lights in front of the jury to make himself seem like a more likeable guy…

Slutty girls, lightning bugs, glowing butts, Sandusky and Christmas lights.  Jewell told me i couldn’t do the perfect  joke but there it is son!

-8 home runs in 3 days?  That’s what the Yankees did in the Subway Series this past weekend?  Can someone tell me how Yankee Stadium isn’t the most ridiculous ballpark on the planet?  Although i guess if the sport is going to get rid of steroids the next best thing to do would be to have these teams play in a little league park.  The Mets baseball team may be a joke right now but at least we can get a new team someday. The Yankees have all the fans, all the history, all the championships, and all the class, but your stadium is ridiculously small and it’s a joke how easy it is to hit home runs there.  Oh and Citifield is better.  Enjoy all that tradition Yankee fans!

So i’m a little bitter about getting swept by the Yankees haha.  i’m realizing the older i get how much of a sore loser i am.  And i’m okay with it.

-Now that Pacquio lost, can everyone PLEASE stop watching boxing now?  Honestly, the only thing dumber then that decision are people who STILL watch gddamn f*cking boxing matches.  “OMG that decision was completely fixed!  That was the worst decision ever!  Every single person watching knows that outcome was bull$hit!!”  Really?  Then that must be the first time ever in boxing where there was an awful decision made by the officials.  Oh, besides ALL of them i mean.  How many boxing matches do there have to be that end in horrific decisions before people give up on this stupid sport?  i don’t blame the boxers, or the promoters, or even the referees and judges.  All those people i just listed could give less then a $hit about the fans.  Everything is rigged, the sport f’n sucks my testicles and they still have the BALLS to charge $60 to $80 for a pay per view!! And how do they have the balls to keep doing this?? Oh that’s right, idiots keep buying them.  Stop blowing it everyone, stop watching this sport whose time has ended LONG ago.  And i know all you Filipinos had to watch because your boy was champ, but now that he lost it you can stop watching it.  “But i need to see him win it back in November!”  Of course you do.  And of course you’ll spend $80 again, and of course you’ll be the first ones yelling once there is ANOTHER awful decision.  And i could f’n care less and i don’t feel bad for you.  In fact, i change my mind.  i hope they keep boxing around forever, and i hope they raise the price of pay per views to $200 and i hope all you idiots keep buying them.  It makes me happy to think that people who will never learn their lesson will keep spending duckets they don’t have on rigged sports where the outcome has already been determined.  These same people should watch pro wrestling, the outcomes are already determined and it’s all fake too, they at least have the decency to not pretend that it’s real.

“Facebook etiquette”- Did all of you go “like” Fap Nation yet on Facebook?  Of course you didn’t, because you are lazy and don’t believe me.  Anyways if you didn’t here are some pics that you missed…

No advertisements, no “apps” to add, nothing but super hot amateur pics of real girls.  So yeah, go like “Fap Nation” already!

“OLDSCHOOL” Tips for “OLDSCHOOL” Video Games: The Legend of Zelda is one of the all-time greatest video games ever.  The plotline is fantastic, the gameplay is amazing and the whole thing about trying to get the Triforce and trying to collect more hearts to gain more energy is so much fun.  Some people say the graphics are a little outdated but i still think they are amazing.  What do you think?

Hahaha did anyone see that coming?  Besides Jay John i mean?  That’s ANOTHER pic from Fap nation, best thing ever!

It’s tough to care about things like hockey when there’s girls that look like this out there.  People that are way too into sports forget that, but i don’t because i know what’s important in life.  Like those girls above for example.  Oh and the Giants who won the Superbowl and the Devils who knocked the Rangers and Flyers out of the playoffs.  So there’s that too.  But thanks for a money season New Jersey, it was a great run and i’m looking forward to doing it again next year!

That’s it for me kids. i hope everyone has a great week despite that disappointing loss last night.  i’m going to make myself feel better by FINALLY going to see “Moonrise Kingdom” tonight.  Wes Anderson’s my favorite director ever so i’m hoping that will do the trick.  And if not there is always drugs and booze!

Cya Friday! – miguel jo$é


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