My $hits fat like a sumo, slammin dat ass. Leavin yo face in the grass. Cause you know, i don’t take a dulo lightly. Punks just jealous cause they can’t outwrite me. – Cypress Hill "Insane in the Membrane"

5 Jun

Or kick that style, wicked wild
Happy face nigga never seen me smile.
Rip that mainframe, i’ll explain
A nigga like me is goin insane…

What is up kids?

Haha that feels like the right quote to start off the rant of a madman.  For real, i feel like i’m all over the place with the quotes i use to start my blog off lately.  And in my head they make a crazy amount of sense, but then sometimes i feel like after i post them that no one will get them.  But i have a strict policy of only trying to entertain myself when i write these blogs so whatever, that’s what i’m going with today and if you don’t dig it i don’t really care.  “Well you don’t try to make us laugh ever, why would you want us to understand your quotes?”  Touche motherf*cker.  Gddamn i hate it when you make so much sense.

But blog number 3 after my little “hiatus” and i’m feeling money i must say.  “Really?  Because you stopped writing your blog when it was the Devils vs the Rangers in the playoffs and now your Devils are down 0-3 in the Finals!  Let me guess, you need another 3 weeks off to massage your vagina because the Devils Suck!”   First of all… go F yourself you motherf’ing douchbag ahole! And secondly yes, despite what is going on in the hockey finals i still feel money.  For a bunch of reasons i guess, but mostly because life is good sometimes and there are some people who make it more enjoyable that i’ve been lucky enough to hang out with lately.  “Oh God, if this is where you say you love Jay John again?  You might as well go full on gay and change the name of this blog to “Here Comes the Anal!” already!”

i’m not gonna lie, that was a fantastic joke.  To the point where i almost debated changing the title of this blog to “Here Comes the Anal!”  Although if it was really a blog title it’s be way funnier as “Here Cums the Anal!”  Wow, this rant is getting rougher and rougher.  “That’s what she …”  NO!   No.  You can’t say that here.  i’ve done enough cheap jokes as it is latley, i’m not going that route too.   Even i have my standards, no matter how awful they are.  Even though my friend Rob’s motto is and always has been, “Standards are meant to be lowered”.  And although the philosophy has never worked out for him EVER it’s still good advice.  No it isn’t.

Alright fine, i can admit i’m drunk as i write this. A few vodka tonics before and during and after the Devils game on a Monday night seems appropriate doesn’t it?  No?  Well in my defense i had off yesterday and spent the day at the Mets game with my parents and my brother and his girlfriend.  And it was the money time, and they even had this “Senior Stroll” day thing where my mom got to walk the bases on the field after the game.  She definitely loved it and she took pictures with Mr. Met and touched all the bases and even slid headfirst into home plate! But she was thrown out by Nick Swisher from right field.  Man, that guy has a cannon!

Alright alright!  i’ll try to stop writing rants when i’m bombed.  Yes i realize that this blog is all over the place and makes zero to none sense, more towards none.  But you also need to realize i’m a human being and i have feelings, and sometimes those feelings need to be buried deep inside through booze and more booze, and that’s how i choose to live sometimes.  Or most times.  Well, times in general. And today and most days just happens to be one of those times.  And for Friday’s blog i’m going to write about this whole NY ban on large sodas that Mayor Bloomberg is putting in place so i’ll save my cohesive thoughts for then.  And i’m probably going to take a different angle then you would think so be ready.  Or don’t, i don’t care.  And when’s that anal cumming already? 

RANDOM NONSENSE

-So i’m Mexican and Dominican, even though i know i only push the Mexican part as far as my jokes go. Mostly because it’s easier to make racist jokes if i just take the Mexican angle instead of trying to incorporate both.  But recently i told my friend Nicole that i stole something from the store, because as you all should remember i’m a dirty, dirty thief.  And when i stole it i was like “What do you expect, i’m Mexican!” and she goes “And apparently Puerto Rican…” and that was the funniest thing i’ve heard in awhile.  So thanks Romano, you are the money 🙂  And apparently really, really racist…

-People say, “i finished a bottle of wine last night!” like it is some sort of accomplishment but let’s be honest, it’s really not.  “Whoo hoo, one bottle of wine!”  You might as well brag about drinking a whole six pack of beer. Really? A whole six pack?  i’m pretty sure my 9 year old daughter could finish a six pack by herself and you know that has to be true because i don’t even have a daughter.  But honestly, how many glasses can you pour from one bottle of wine, 4?  5 if you pour half glasses like you’re a pu$$y?  i’ll give you tell me “when,” the when is when my glass is full motherf*cker!  And i came to this realization about wine recently when me and my sister bought an entire case of wine and were like “this is is a smart decision because now we are saving money!” and then we ended up finishing that case of wine in a week.  Well, not really a week.  A work week, Monday through Friday.  Don’t judge us!  i just got finished telling you this isn’t a big deal!  And this story really didn’t happen to me but rather someone i used to know, but it might as well have happened to me and my sister so i stole it for my blog.  And if you knew the person i stole this from you would say “thank God you did because at least you found some use out of her because no one else can!”   And oh yeah that person is a blonde girl i guess.

Haha i realized i have to get more specific in my references because i made a comment last blog and my friend Rob texted me and was like “OMG are you mad at me, i’m sorry!” And i wasn’t even talking about him.  And he should know better because i know he’s having a rough time these days and it’s only oldschool miguel that would kick him when he’s down, newschool miguel is his best friend and is there when he needs me.  Except for after the Rangers lost, after that happened i laughed in his face as he cried in his Richter jersey.  And i’d do it again, mostly because i’m a sore loser and a jerk.  But not in that order.

Miguel’s Money Movie Review-Personally, i think “Die Hard” is the greatest action movie of all time.  It has everything you need.  Plenty of action, an awesome bad guy, a fantastic plot, a crazy ending, bad ass special effects, terrorists, machine guns, gddamnit you name it this movie has it!  But it’s come to my attention lately that John Torterella looks just like the guy Ellis from the movie.  You remember Ellis, right?  The douchebag coke head who gets himself killed?

C’mon Jewell, you’re sayin that’s a stretch?  But you definitely laughed when you saw both those pics, right?  Yeah i know i’m right, that’s why i put them up kid. Whoops!  And this joke is for Albin who still reads my blog even though i wrote the most ruthless Rangers blog ever last Tuesday.    And as bad as being down 0-3 in the finals is, being the number one seed and losing to your rival in the Eastern Conference finals is worse.   And you can’t argue otherwise because you don’t know what’s it’s like to get the finals and you never will again.  But who was the first one to send me the Cat Daddy video?  It was definitely Albin.  i know JJ thinks he was and he definitely sent me that piece too but this fool Chris sent it to me first and that’s the truth.  That’s why i gave neither of you credit!   Sounded like the fairest way to handle things to me.  Oh and thanks to Jackie for still reading my blog too.  She had season tickets to the Rangers this year so she REALLY didn’t want to lose to the Devils in the playoffs because she also knows they will never get this far again.  But she still talks to me too after that loss and i’m glad because she’s the money.  And even though that girl is married now she’s actually lost weight since then and looks better then ever, which is the exact opposite of most ladies i know.  So i will probably never get married but if i do i hope it’s to someone who tries to keep it tight like Jackie does.  Although my wife will not be a Rangers fan because i don’t want to marry a dirty lowlife.

“Facebook etiquette”-Hey girls who NEVER post new pics on Facebook… post new pics on Facebook already!!!  Jesus Christmas that one decent picture of you from a wedding from 2009 is NOT good enough anymore.  i’m not saying you have to post new pics ALL the time, but if you’re gonna have a facebook account it should be a rule that you post a new pic 3 times a year AT LEAST.  i’m not even saying a  pervy bikini pic or a slutty Halloween pic, just something where you look hot!  All of us dudes thank you in advance.

Fast food tips – Taco Bell has just released the “Beefy Nacho Burrito” which has been described as nachos wrapped up as a burrito and ready to go.  These little boowhip makers are made up of crunchy nacho chips covered in warm nacho cheese, seasoned beef and sour cream all wrapped in a warm flour tortilla.  And they are 99 cents.  And after hearing this deal i can tell you that’s not sour cream in my shorts.  i haven’t tried any of these yet but i want to and am fired up for it. But i’ll still give it the seal of approval before i even try it because i know it’s gonna be the money.  Please, someone go prove me wrong…
The Money $hout-out of the Week- NO HAN!!!!!   Unless you are a Mets fan you have no idea how fired up i am that the Mets FINALLY threw a no-hitter.  If you like any other team you’ve probably already felt this joy a bunch of times.  But for the Mets, they hadn’t done it in 50 years of their entire existence.   And i’d be lying if i said that i didn’t literally watch EVERY GAME hoping to see a no-hitter, or that it was at least in the back of my mind.  Because why not hope for it?  Even when they would only get to the second or third inning i would still hope for a no hitter.  Why wouldn’t i? If you bought a scratch off lottery ticket and you scratched the first thing and you got the $5000 square, are you not going to at least hope that you got the other two to match to win $5k?   Of course you’re gonna at least HOPE for it, even though you know deep down you’re not gonna get it.  And that’s how i’ve been MY ENTIRE LIFE hoping for this GDDAMN NO-HITTER.  And finally, after my entire life they finally got it!!! And it wasn’t without drama, and it wasn’t without controversy.  Because let’s be honest, Beltran hit a double haha.  But whatever, suck my balls everybody… The Mets pitched a No-hitter!  And i’m so glad it was Johan. He had major surgery and everyone was saying he’d never come back and would never be money again.  But like most aholes they were wrong, and he came back and was and is still the money and he f’n pitched the first motherf’n no-hitter EVER for the Mets!! Thank you for that, at least something kept me entertained during these hockey finals.

Well i’ll end on this good note because to be honest i’m still pretty heated about the Devils.  But oh well, i guess i’ll just have to be happy that they ended the New York Rangers season.  And that thought does bring a smile to my face and a gleam to my balls.  But i hope everyone has a great week, i will see you kids with a brand new blog on Friday!  – miguel jo$é

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One Response to “My $hits fat like a sumo, slammin dat ass. Leavin yo face in the grass. Cause you know, i don’t take a dulo lightly. Punks just jealous cause they can’t outwrite me. – Cypress Hill "Insane in the Membrane"”

  1. hasson chop June 5, 2012 at 9:14 pm #

    haha the look on your face during that taco bell commercial was the money !! lol

    Like

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