I feel like I’m going to die if I can’t be with you. And I can’t be with you. So I’m going to die, and I don’t care. Because I was brought into existence to know you, and that’s enough. The idea that you would want me back… it’s like, greedy. – Louis C.K. "Louie"

29 May

What is up kids???

“Welcome back sp!c!  Where have you been???  That’s the longest it took for you to mow my lawn ever!!”

Really????  That’s how you’re gonna welcome me back?  From that “Louie” quote i used today i kinda thought you were gonna tell me how much you miss me and honestly mean it for once.  But whatever, that’s cool i guess…

So yeah after a two or so week hiatus i am back.  Did you savages miss me?  Of course you did, i’m the gddamn money! And doesn’t it suck a little bit when you don’t have a blog to look forward too?  i mean, even a little bit?  No??  Whatever, that’s cool i guess…

But yeah, i’d like to say i spent this time off perfecting my craft, and thinking of ways to make this blog better.  And i guess i have, at least a little bit.  But it’s been tough my friends.   For real, you cats have none clue how into this Devils/Rangers playoff series i am/or was.  Honestly, it was so hard to try and write funny material when i literally only had HATRED in my heart.  Because i hate the New York Rangers.  HATE THEM.  Like, there are other teams in sports that i can’t stand.  Like the Eagles, Flyers, Cowboys, Atlanta Braves, etc.  But the Motherf’n RANGERS… these lowlifes fill me with such anger i can’t control it.  So for real, i’ve just been incapable of trying to write a blog during that 6 game playoff series.  Although now that it’s over…

Okay, let me just get this out of the way now because i know you all know it is coming

Hey Rangers!!!    Wait for it…..

 LAAAAAAAAATER DICKSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!


Oh man for real, suck my balls rangers.  Suck em long, and suck em good.  Suck them close, suck them tight, suck the left, and suck that right.  All your nonsense all season long about being the #1 seed, and how your captain is the money, and how you have all that young talent and your goalie is the best in the league…

Well you’re going home.  Whatever magic you had got crushed by how great a team the Devils are.  You have all the fans, you have all the history, and you have the most famous arena in the greatest city in the history of the world.  But we have the better team, we have more heart, we have more talent, and we are going to the Stanley Cup Finals.  1994 was a fluke, i’ve always known that in my heart but it was proven in game 6 as the Devils ended your season in Overtime with our “King”, Adam Henrique.  If you don’t remember it here it is…

This victory has literally changed my life.  i will forever be happy knowing we ended your run this year.  Honestly, this win is only a small step below the Giants Superbowl win, no joke.  “Which one?”  Haha, that’s a FANTASTIC question.  But i can’t rate which Superbowl win was better, 2007 or this year.  It’d be like saying which imaginary kid of mine i love more, my son or my daughter.  But i will say i am enjoying every second of this Devils victory.  And if this means i lose every Ranger fan that reads my blog so be it, i don’t care.  But don’t hate me because what i’m saying is the truth.  We have a better team, we proved it in 6 games this year but we’ve proved it since 1995 and have now erased what you did in 94.  i own you Laruso, your karate is a joke.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

But yeah, besides all that nonsense i do have a lot on my mind grapes these days.  And most times it makes me feel better to write out a blog, but sometimes i also need to just chill out for a hot one and relax for a minute.  And these past few weeks was one of those times.  i think i’m ready to start talking about all these thoughts that are turning my brain into mush right now, so i have a decent amount of material to get to in the upcoming weeks/blogs.  So why don’t we get to it now already, shan’t we???

RANDOM NONSENSE


-Why are dryer sheets so expensive?  i mean what the f*ck already?  i can get mad cheap laundry detergent for like 2 or 3 beans tops.  But dryer sheets are gonna run me like 5 beans if i want the nice kind?  Really? Because obviously i have to buy them.  i feel like this is why they make the soap so cheap, they’re like we’ll make it look like it’s mad cheap for the soap but when you go to buy the dryer sheets we are going to butt rape you!!  Or they probably say something to that effect.  But this theory must follow the Las Vegas hotel theory where they make all the hotels mad cheap because they don’t care, they know once you’re there you are gonna be dropping MAD duckets.  So enjoy the $40 hotel room and $2 laundry soap, you’ll be down $6 in dryer sheets and $200 in black jack in 25 minutes!

“Really?  You’re coming back after two weeks off with a dryer sheets bit?”  Alright, i’ll get to “Facebook Etiquette” already…

“Facebook etiquette”- i don’t think i need Facebook telling everyone what article i read on the interwebs.  Probably because i’m a dirtbag who only reads awfulness.  “Marijuana to become decriminalized in New Jersey”  Article read by miguel josé.  Thanks Facebook!  No one i work with is friends with me on FB, except for EVERYBODY!  i guess you might as well let them all know i am into articles about drugs!  “Teacher bangs 16 year old female student at her Prom and gets away with it!”  Article read by miguel josé.  What is this, a morality contest?  Don’t judge me for what news articles peak my interest!  And make me peak in my pants!  “All Hispanics have a huge penis that consistently satisfies women in the bedroom.”  Article written by women who have slept with miguel josé.  See, now that joke doesn’t even have a punchline, it’s just straight up fact.  “No one believes your penis is huge, we all know that is simply above average!  But yes the part about pleasing all women in bed is true!”  That’s a fair point, i guess i have no arguments there. 

Fast food tips- Dunkin Donuts has these new “Breakfast burritos” and they come in Southwest veggie and Southwest Steak.  Normally i would list what it is in them but i’ll tell you right now i tried the Southwest steak one and i was NOT impressed.  First of all, these things are tiny.  And the next time you watch the commercial take a good look at it.  Even in the picture in the Ad above, you realize what a close up they had to take in order to make it look big. “That’s what she…”  But trust me, those things are not not big at all, those $hits are crazy small.  So off the bat you need to get at least two of them if you’re hungry, but they are kinda expensive so they are totally not worth it.  So yeah i say pass on those ghetto burritos, and that is coming from a bonafide Mexican guy so you should believe me.  Get the Bacon breakfast burrito or any of the special burritos from Sonic instead, they are a million times better. And that is without hyperbole.

Holy S, did you miss it?  Yeah you did… so here it is!

A Great Name for a Punk Band! – The Ghetto Burritos

-So hey, did all of you see those hot new pics of Hayden Painette?  If you didn’t see them check them out, they are MONEY!

She looks hot right?  But yeah i guess she doesn’t look as hot as she did in that one movie.  What was it called?  Oh yeah, “Remember the Titans”.

Haha that joke is hilarious!  Hence the “haha” i wrote at the beginning of that sentence.   If you do not get the reference though, please do not look it up because you will probably look down on me.  “You mean more then i already do because you are a Mexican? ”  You never mention that i’m Dominican too.  i’m 50/50 son, some would say the perfect blend.  “Yeah i know who would say that… Everyone!  Because it’s true!  We love you Miguel!”  You should love me, i’m the f’n money.

The Money $hot-out of the Week- Speaking of hot illegal ass, did all of you see Kate Upton’s “Cat Daddy” dance on youtube? BOOOOOOOOOOF*CKINGWHIPPPP!!!!!   i literally can watch that entire video popping the entire time.  When i’m done watching it i’m basically covered in pop from head to toe, my room becomes a winter wonderland.  If you are in there do NOT eat the yellow or white snow!

See, i can get ruthless and say whatever i want here because i’m going to post that video now and you’re gonna watch it and you will literally forget everything that i just said. Don’t believe me?  Ladies and gentlemen, i give you Kate Upton in “Cat Daddy”

i swear, i’d literally give up every friendship i have for that girl in a heartbeat.  Starting with Rob and Jay John, they’d be first.  And the easiest to give up.  i used to think that it’d be hard for me to give up friendships like that, but i guess i’ve learned how to do it because there are people that i used to think were my friends who have done that to me recently.   Whoo hoo, twist in the joke by adding seriousness! Oh i’ll make you think kids, just like the quote i used to start this blog. It came from an episode of that show “Louie” in just an incredible scene where a guy tells this girl he’s been friends with forever how much he is in love with her.  Are all of you watching that show?  Because you should be.  In fact, there’s a new bit…

Shows you SHOULD be watching!  “Louie”. Third season starts June 29th but it’s not like “Lost”, you can just jump in wherever.  Oh and speaking of “Lost”, that is another show you should be watching if you haven’t yet.  And yes i’m speaking to you Stefanie, when are we hanging out??? 🙂

Holy S that was a fantastic blog!  “One of your best miguel!”  um, yeah i know. i just f’n said that.  And do you like the new look of the blog?  i’m not married to it by any means but i feel like it’s a good change for now.  But yeah i will see you guys for serious this Friday with another all new blog.  And let’s f’n go Devils in the Stanley Cup Finals!!!!!!!!!  – miguel jo$e

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2 Responses to “I feel like I’m going to die if I can’t be with you. And I can’t be with you. So I’m going to die, and I don’t care. Because I was brought into existence to know you, and that’s enough. The idea that you would want me back… it’s like, greedy. – Louis C.K. "Louie"”

  1. Anonymous May 30, 2012 at 3:35 pm #

    This blog made my morning. I am laughing like a hyenea!

    Like

  2. Anonymous August 13, 2012 at 9:27 pm #

    Devils suck

    Like

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