i’m crazy, allow me to amaze thee. They say i’m ugly but it just don’t phase me. i’m still getting in the girls pants and i even got my own dance. – Digital Underground "The Humpty Dance"

11 May

What is up kids?

“Whoo hoo you actually wrote a Friday blog!  Way to not blow it for once you lazy Mexican lowlife!  Although i guess i could have just said Mexican!”  Well Happy Friday to you too a$$hole, why don’t you get off my nutsack you ball busting basterd!

Wow, that’s a little negative to start off a comedy blog on this beautiful Friday, isn’t it?  Let’s get back to the ha ha’s already!  Because it is a gorgeous day to be alive my friends.  The sun is shining, the air is nice and cool and we all made it to gddamn Friday! And i’m in a pretty good mood today but i gotta say i’m still really beat to my core.  Mostly because Wednesday night i partied like i was back in college, and also apparently like i didn’t have an 8 am job to get to the next morning.  We started happy hour around 5:45 pm Wednesday after work, and we didn’t close our tab until close to Midnight.  Which i think is pretty impressive for a Wednesday night, especially when most people are too lame to go to a happy hour on a Friday let alone during the week. 

And i’d like to say after we left the bar at midnight that i went home and ended my night.  i’d like to say that.  But yeah, of course i blew it and went out again and somehow ended up at White Castle at 2 am which undoubtedly lead to me puking and deucing my guts and brains out all day and night yesterday to the point where they had to jam an IV of fluids into my anus to rehydrate me.  Haha alright it didn’t get that bad, but for real i think i might be done with Castle for awhile.  My body legit CANNOT handle it.  i mean it’s one thing to spend all morning punishing the toilet.  But it’s a whole other thing when i can’t get through “The Office” and “Parks and Rec” finales without nonstop pausing my DVR so i can go unleash the fury within on my own personal throne.  And i must say i think the oddest thing about White Castle is that it only has one type of smell. Like if you order hot and fresh White Castle is smells like White Castle.  But if you pass out and wake up to see you left White Castle burgers all over your living room all night and day where they were sitting in the sun shining through the window, all those burgers still have the exact same smell!  And when you’re committing a terrorist act in the toilet bowl in your bathroom, once you finally get up to wipe your buttcheeks it still has the exact same smell!  And how many of you read my blog while you’re eating lunch?  If you do you are welcome for all these vivid images!

So yeah maybe i haven’t been doing my best work as far as my rants go lately.  But give me a break, it’s not  easy to do week in and week out.  Especially when you’re a binge drinking ahole like myself and yourhockey team is still in the playoffs. i am still thinking of taking a week or so break soon, and if the Devils and the Rangers end up playing each other the next round it may be coming sooner then you think.  And it’s not because i’m lazy, i am still writing like crazy everyday.  And i have a TON of new bits i still can’t wait to use in this blog once i actually have two seconds to think and can actually try to make them funny.  But i think a couple of weeks off might be good for my dome because like i said in the beginning of this, i am BEAT to my core these days my friends.  And yes i am lazy, shut up.

Has anyone laughed once today at this blog yet?  Probably not, so i guess i’ll try to make up for that in Random Nonsense.  Starting now!!!

RANDOM NONSENSE

-When i go food shopping i always try to bring ALL my groceries in from my car to the house with me at the same time, no matter how many bags i have.  i do this even though i know it would be 100 TIMES easier to just bring in a bunch of bags and then come back out and bring the rest in comfortably.  But of course i don’t do that, instead i always sit there for an hour at my trunk trying to grab fifty bags of nonsense, plus that 12 pack of toilet paper and also the laundry detergent and plus those bottles of water i got and bring all of it in with me at once.  And i don’t even get why i do this!  It’s like this stupid game i play for no other reason then i like to try and make my lifer harder.  And the worst thing is it doesn’t even same time! i spend way more time trying to figure out how to carry all that garbage in at once when it would be WAY quicker to just grab what i can, bring it inside and then just come out and get the rest!  And by the way, by writing all of this down i don’t want anyone to think i’m actually smart enough to change my habits.  i’m just talking about this because when i actually read these words down on my blog it really sinks in what a moron i am.

-So i’ve heard there’s some new thing where girls are trying to change the phrase “The Walk of Shame” and instead are starting to call it “The Stride of Pride.”  Um, listen up whores… you can call your urinary tract infection the “Happy Fun Zone!” if you want to, but that’s not gonna change the fact that you have an icky vagina! i’ve heard of some pretty bad euphemisms in my life but so far this one takes the cake.  And now i want cake.  But yeah call the “Walk of Shame” whatever you want ladies, it still means the same thing in the end!  Whoops, i meant in your end, sorry.

A Great Name for a Punk Band! – “Abandoned Sandwich”  Thanks to Rob for that one, this name is fantastic!  i’d go see their show this weekend!

-Zooey Deschanel is mad annoying.  “Whoo hoo i’m the New Girl!  i’m so wacky and fun and likeable!”  No.  No you’re not.  You have big googly eyes and you’re a 7 at best.  Which i’m guessing is the reason why so many girls like you.  They probably find you cute but non threatening so they’ll watch your dumb show.  i’ve seen about 8 seconds of that garbage and for all 8 seconds i was looking for something sharp to jab into my jugular.  Oh and her on that stupid Iphone commercial?  “i like soup in the rain and i’m going to dance instead of clean today!” Wow, you are so kooky!  Now shut your stupid trap!  So yeah for real stop pushing this broad on me Hollywood because i’m not buying it.  Someone had to say it.

“OLDSCHOOL” NONSENSE – How come at restaurants you always need to order water twice?  i mean you order it the first time and hope for it but the waitress always forgets it so you have to order it again.  i know it’s annoying and free but i’m parched so can you please hook it up already?  Oh and i’d like more of that free bread while you’re at it.

Fast Food Tips –Wendy’s has 3 new “Signature Sides” for anyone looking for a new type of fast food to make you deuce your silly brains out.  There’s the mac and cheese, the baked sweet potato with a buttery cinnamon spread, and last but not least the chili cheese fries.  The only one i tried is the chili cheese fries and it was just okay.  i mean it’s fries covered in cheese and chili at Wendy’s, what did you expect?  i’ll try the mac and cheese and get back to you on that one but the one thing i will not try is the baked sweet potato because i HATE sweet potatoes.  And people get sweet potato fries all the time and it’s a class move because it’s one of the few things people can get that i won’t ask for a bite of.  But yeah i hate sweet potatoes, who knew?  “What about sweet potato pie?”  Um, does it have sweet potatoes?  Then yeah i guess i hate that $hit too because it is garbage.  But if you like garbage maybe you’ll dig this new baked sweet potato, who knows?

Alright that’s it for me today kids.  i actually have more to write but i lied i’m still not deucing from that disaster Wednesday night.  But i hope you all have a great weekend, i will definitely have a new blog on Tuesday but after that who knows so i will get back to you when i know.  “OMG miguel please don’t take a long break!  We love you and need you and you make our days better and you’re the funniest person ever!”  Awww, thanks person who doesn’t exist.  You’re my favorite ever!  – miguel jo$é

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One Response to “i’m crazy, allow me to amaze thee. They say i’m ugly but it just don’t phase me. i’m still getting in the girls pants and i even got my own dance. – Digital Underground "The Humpty Dance"”

  1. Anonymous May 21, 2012 at 7:37 am #

    Totally agree Zooey Deschanel and her stupid Iphone ad is annoying, dumb chick can totally see wow its raining outside. I know it doesn't rain a lot in California but im pretty sure even the retards can identify it when standing next to a window without a Iphone.

    Like

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