Yo soy un disco quebrado. Yo tengo chicle en mi cerebro. -Beck "Hotwax"

8 May

Como estan bitches?

It’s one day until (i mean 3 days after) Cinco de miguel, and i am pretty fired up!  Yeah for the holiday but the Devils won in Overtime last night to go up 2-1 (and actually now 3-1) in the series!  Hell yeah mo fo’s!

So that’s how the blog was gonna start off last Friday before i got caught up.  Holy S balls there is just none time in the day for me these days!  i mean i literally only have time to go home after work, do a power hour, play some beer pong before getting ready for either the Devils or Rangers playoff game and then pass out in my own vomit and hope i wake up on time for work.  Is everyone else watching these hockey playoffs??? You should be, they are the craziest things ever!  Even though last night the Capitals just gave the game away to the Rangers.  i mean yeah it’s impressive to score with 6 seconds left to tie and then score in Overtime to win.  But when a dumb ass Capital decides to get a 4 minute minor in the final minute of a game that they are winning i feel like it is more stupid on their part then it is great on the Rangers part.  But whatever, enjoy your gift Ranger fans. i’m sure it feels good.

But anyways, i hope everyone had a great Cinco de Mayo this past weekend.   i definitely had the money time, even though Natty light was the most Mexican thing i had to drink all Saturday.  i did have tons of chips and salsa and guacamole though!  But yeah i wasn’t wearing a sombrero and i had zero shots of tequila.  i guess that makes me a poor Hispanic, right?

Well f*ck you buddy!  For real, it is kinda annoying that most people really feel that way.  “OMG miguel, you are the whitest Hispanic i know!”  Oh really? Well you’re about as racist as most white people i know, which is another way of saying you are boring and no different then anyone else.  Which when you think about it that’s one of the roughest insults there is as a human being.  But i know a lot of you are like that and i’ll be honest i’m used to it.  And i’m sure it helps explain why i resent white people so much, because let’s face it you are all kind of the worst!  You have no real problems!  People all over the world have real problems, stuff like trying to stay alive and not be completely f*cked by the people in power who run every aspect of their lives.  You not being able to afford that SUV you want, and not being able to afford those fancy shoes or Coach bag that you saw aren’t real problems. Once you realize that you’ll be a lot happier in life.  And my sports team losing, or me not winning my fantasy football league, and the NHL putting game 7 for the Devils and the Rangers on the same night… those aren’t real problems either!!!  But everyone makes them out to be, because there’s nothing else to complain about i guess. And rather then be happy you might as well complain about nothing!
But yeah it heats me bad when people judge me because i don’t speak Spanish, or because i can’t roll my “R”‘s, or even do a pretend accent.  i mean honestly, just because i’m hispanic i’m supposed to also be able to impersonate people now? Why stop at a Hispanic accent, shouldn’t i be able to impersonate anybody then?  i actually do a pretty good Australian accent, or at least a good fake one i mean.  But i can’t do a Spanish one, who would have seen it coming.  Or who would even care?  Oh yeah, white people.  And it’s crazy, but no other nationality gets this kind of pressure.  i know a ton of Italians who don’t speak Italian, i know a ton of Jews who don’t speak Hebrew, i know a ton of Germans who are really, really racist.  i swear, it’s easier to be a Black guy who’s into country music then it is to be a Hispanic who doesn’t speak Spanish.  Trust me, my roommate Carl just LOVES Billy Ray Cirus and Garth Brooks and whoever sings that “Chicken Fried” song and he’s as black as they come!  Haha do any of these people actually play country music anymore?  That’s about my extent of my knowledge on country music, and to be honest it bothers me i know that much.

But whatever, i’m kinda only half serious with this rant.  It doesn’t really bother me that people expect me to know and speak Spanish.  i mean it’s literally just judging a book by it’s cover but i also know a lot of girls are going to expect that i’m fantastic in the sack since i’m Hispanic and all, and that is some positive racism that i am a fan of.  So at least with that aspect of your ignorance you also happen to be correct in this case.  So i guess what you’re thinking about me being fantastic in bed isn’t really racist since it’s a true fact.  So you win on that one for sure but since you still think i should speak Spanish just because i’m Mexican that still makes you a dirty f’n racist.  Case Closed! 

Happy Tuesday everyone!


“Quote translation”-  i am a broken record.  i have gum in my brain.

-If a carnival doesn’t have zeppolies then it’s not an f’n carnival.  “Whoo hoo rides and fun and amusement!”  Who f’n cares??  All i want is some gddamn zeppolies so you’d better f’n have them.  i don’t expect them to be as good as the ones from the St. Mary’s carnival in Dumont.  Because let’s be honest, those are the best zeppolies on the planet and i have yet to try one that even comes close.  To be honest i don’t get how theirs are so much better then everyone else’s.  i mean they are just fried dough with sugar for crying out loud.  But just because Dumont’s carnival has the best ones ever that does not mean other carnivals shouldn’t even try!  A carnival without zeppolies is like going to a football game and not tailgating.  It ruins the whole experience and it makes you a bad person.  And yes i’m a little bitter that the carnival held this past weekend right by my house didn’t have zeppolies, can you tell?  i guess i do wear my emotions on my sleeve.  But i’ll tell you one thing that’s not on my sleeve, powdered sugar from all the zeppolies i planned on eating!  Way to go aholes!

The Money $hot-out of the Week- So i went to the Mets game last Friday and i have to say as God awful as the organization is and as horrificly bad as it’s run they may have done one of the classiest things i have ever seen.  In honor of MCA’s passing last week every Met came up to bat to their own Beastie Boys song in tribute to Adam Yauch.  Holy S balls Mets, way to be classy for the first time ever!  The Mets lost the game but for once in their miserable existence i was actually proud to be a Mets fan.  Rest in peace buddy.

Ruben Tejeda – Intergalactic
Daniel Murphy – No Sleep Till Brooklyn
David Wright – Brass Monkey
Lucas Duda – The New Style
Scott Hairston – Root Down
Ike Davis – Fight for Your Right
Andres Torres – So Watch’cha Want
Josh Thole – Make Some Noise
Dillon Gee – Body Movin’

Miguel’s Money Movie Review- So in honor of the “Avengers” movie coming out this weekend, i’d like to give my review of “Thor” which i finally saw for the first time.  Sure it was only because EPIX had a free movie weekend, but whatever that’s not the point.  Anyways, off the bat you can tell that it was probably a million times cooler watching it 3-D Imax because the scenery was incredible i can’t deny that.  But yeah the acting isn’t great, Anthony Hopkins and Renee Russo are completely miscast and misused, and the main bad guy is really poor and a big pu$$y who is easily defeated.  But that’s not the main point i want to make on this movie, the main point has to do with the love story between Thor and Natalie Portman.  “OMG here he goes again with the romance!”  Actually ahole if you just shut your trap for a hot one and listen to what i have to say first you’ll realize that’s not where i am going with this.  Where i am going is Natalie Portman doesn’t fall in love with Thor, she just wants his c0ck from the first second she sees him!  Which is a wacky angle for a movie to take because for the most part these big budget films will shove a romance angle down your throat no matter how unbelievable it is.  How about Shia Lebouf banging Megan Fox for two films and then Rosie Huntington Whitely in the 3rd Transformers movie?  For real, Michael Bay actually convinced a bunch of idiot Americans that Shia Lebouf could bang these two broads…

Who bought that $hit for one second?   Nobody, that’s who.  But they still pushed a love story anyway!  However, they did not do that in the movie Thor.  They didn’t even try to fool us with a love story, they make it clear from the beginning that Natalie needed some c0ck, and all she wanted was Thor’s Hammer inside her black Swan bad! They barely even talk in the movie!!  She realizes he’s an alien or something right off the bat because he’s a total weirdo who appeared after the crazy light show in the sky that she had been doing research on.  Next thing you know he has his shirt off and you can hear Natalie Portman’s vagina go “booooooWHIP!”  Which is an odd thing since she can’t have a boner and all.  But yeah they don’t interact enough for Natalie and him to really fall in love, she just lusts for his Godly penis and it’s a shame she only gets to kiss him before he leaves because you know she wanted more.  Was there anything else to take out of this movie?  No i guess not.  Can’t wait for Avengers though.

Fast Food Tips- Right now at White Castle you can get 2 breakfast sliders for 2 beans.  Although i’ll be honest, out of all the millions of times i’ve had Castle i’ve only been lucky enough to get their breakfast once.  And i think it was money but i barely remember.  And i also can’t suggest starting off your day with White Castle for breakfast unless you just bought all the Game of Thrones books and your plan is to finish them all in one day while sitting on your own throne deucing your brains out.  But 2 breakfast sliders for 2 beans is still a great deal, so call me Ned Stark and get that Cottonelle with Aloe ready because this king is about to reclaim his throne!

That’s it for me kids.  If you’re lucky i’ll put 2 more blogs out this week but with these hockey playoffs i promise nothing!  So i’ll definitely* see you kids on Friday and maybe Thursday as well.  i will let you know.  But try to have a good week till then!  -miguel jo$é

*not definite

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