It’s driving me out of my mind, that’s why it’s hard for me to find. Can’t get it out of my head. Miss her, kiss her, love her (wrong move you’re dead) That girl is Poison – Bell Biv Devoe "Poison"

1 May

Girl i must waaaarrnn yoooooou
i sense something strange in my mind… – BBD “Poison”

What is up kids?

So first of all, i just want to say to all the people who emailed me and text me saying that the last blog i wrote is one of my best ones ever, i just want to say i totally agree.  It was A plus work, i can’t deny that.  You are all right to tell me this and you were all correct to let me how fantastic it was because it was in fact ridiculously money and i deserve all the great praise that you guys gave me.  Although i feel like that puts a lot of pressure on today’s blog because i mean honestly, how can i follow that genius?

The answer is i can’t, and i’m not even going to try.  Sometimes i need to watch how high i set that bar for myself and by the reaction i got on Friday’s blog i CLEARLY went over my head.  And the last thing i need is for you kids to think i’m going to keep that high level of comedy up all the time.  And besides, that whole blog was about porn which i realize must have a hit a nerve with all you perverts out there because EVERYONE has had an opinion on it.   Which is funny, because in my daily life i don’t really find myself talking about porn that often with anyone.  Yeah i’ll talk about it with some of my friends sometimes, like if there’s a new fetish i’m into or a new site i learned about (  Or if there is some new porn star i saw that i think others should check out (Ed Powers Dirty Debutantes series is a fantastic series if you’re into amateur stuff and dirty old men defiling young girls).   But yeah the point is, for as much as i look at porn i don’t really talk about it with anyone.

But like i said, after my response to Friday’s blog it can be safely said that the majority of people check out porn once in awhile.  And by once in a while i mean i could probably write 7 blogs a week if i switched all my time spent watching porn to writing blogs.  Actually there would be 14 blogs a week, a morning blog and afternoon blog, and like 3 or 5 blogs every Saturday morning.  So yeah i’d be able to write like 27 blogs a week.  But anyways my point is it’s so crazy how f’n Taboo it is even to talk about porn.  i mean obviously this conversation isn’t going to come up at your weekly Branch office meeting at work, and it’s not fantastic Thanksgiving day conversation with the family.  Although when you think about it, watching that turkey getting stuffed and then watching all that brown gravy  being poured all over those breasts and thighs slowlike you would think it’d be natural to bring up the topic of porn…

But alright already, enough porn talk!  If i do another blog about porn it’d be my second blog trilogy ever, my “Lord of the Anal Rings” if you will.  Haha i won’t lie that was pretty funny.  But yeah relax with the porn talk creepo!  But i guess it’s hard to not talk about porn when you’re single sometimes.  “Wait, you’re single?  But you talked about dating that girl Mary in your 4/20 blog?”  Wow, you are an f’n moron buddy, for reals.  But anyways yeah, you obviously look at more porn when you’re single.  Actually, do non single people get to look at porn?  Like do you get to watch any porn when you’re married? Or even live with the person you’re in a relationship with?  i gotta imagine it’s pretty hard to pleasure yourself looking at “Blonde Milf’s who love their son’s friends” when your significant other is in the bed right next to you.  And what if you have kids?  That can’t be good, good Lord knows those little silly gooses run into rooms unannounced all the time!  i’d never try to look at porn with kids in the house,what am i a sicko?  Except for those kids in the other room from that MILF video i was speaking about earlier.

Alright i’m not even being funny anymore, this is just straight up raunchy.  But tune into’s Friday blog when i discuss where and when are the best places to masturbate and how to use a Flesh light to increase your enjoyment and… NO!!! NO MORE PORN!  Friday’s blog will be porn free!!!!!*


A Great Name for a Punk Band! –“The Knuckleheads”  None joke here that’s just a fantastic name for a punk band.  Or a great name really, hence the name of the bit i guess.

-If anyone ever wants to see me dance, and if you have never seen it trust me it is well worth the ticket to admission, all you need to do is put on Bell Biv Devo’s “Poison” and i will immediately start getting down.  GdDAMN that is the money song!  i don’t care if that song just comes on the radio, or if i’m watching that “Scrubs” episode where Turk is the lead singer of his Air Guitar band “The Cool Cats”, once that song comes on you can be sure i will be f’n breaking it down and cutting a rug!  Ooooh  “The Rug Cutters”, that’s another Great Name for a Punk Band!  I hope you are all enjoying this extra free comedy today!  But yeah some songs are timeless for being straight money and this is one of them, so much so that i used it as todays’ quote and am dropping it in Random Nonsense.  And this bit’s for you Tommy Boy, i know you stopped reading my blog after month two but in your defense you  have also had another child now for probably 6 months and i haven’t even been over your house to meet him.  So let’s just consider ourselves even!  Although i hope that makes all my friends who have had children that i have not met yet happy.  Because honestly, I DON’T WANT TO MEET YOUR KIDS!  Even my closest friends, i’m sorry but i just don’t care.  i mean i’m happy for you and all and i wish you all the best and i love you and your family but a 45 minute drive just to meet some kid that won’t remember me anyway just doesn’t make sense to me. And besides, everyone has kids.  It’s not special.  Get a new angle for crying out loud.  That girl is POISON!  Where’s my dancing shoes?

“OLDSCHOOL” NONSENSE – Hey super skinny guys with a high metabolism… go f yourself.  “Whoo hoo i’m a guy but i can eat whatever i want whenever i want and i’ll still stay built like an 8 year old girl!”  And yes that’s almost kind of hot but honestly us real men hate you.  And they are always so judgmental, like when then see people eat garbage food they always shake their head in disgust.  Listen you skinny f*ck, you won the genetic lottery as far as metabolism goes.  If i had to choose between that or being fantastic in bed like i am i’d rather keep this spare tire around my waste and make sure my lady goes to sleep satisfied every night.  You enjoy your skinny jeans and looking good in a t-shirt at all times and i’ll stick to love making and other things i’m good at. 

-i think Egg rolls are weird and disgusting.  i always give them a chance, mostly because they are free and i love free stuff.  But ugh, i just can’t dig them.  What are they anyway?  It’s like fried cole slaw and Chinese onions are weird stuff like cat and whatever.  That’s what they taste like to me anyways.  And i try them in different sauces but still it is always just kinda gross and i can’t eat more then one or two bites before i’m finito.  i wish i could get another free thing instead of Egg rolls since i don’t dig them, like i wish i could get boneless barbecue spare ribs instead.  “But that costs so much more!  They’d never do that switch!”  That’s why i said “i wish” ahole.  What am i not gonna wish for the best possible thing?  Your game is mad weak son.

“OLDSCHOOL” Tips for Video Games –Wanna know how to beat a bunch of bosses in the game “Master Blaster” mad easy?  Of course you do!  Anyways, to easily kill the bosses for levels 2, 4, 6 and 7, toss a grenade at them. When they begin flashing after being hit, pause the game. As long as the game is paused, the bosses will keep suffering damage as they flash. If you wait long enough, one grenade can be used to kill the bosses.  i told you it was mad easy!

Fast Food Tips –Hands down, the best tortilla chips you can get from any Fake Mexican chain or any Mexican restaurant period are from Chipotle.  Jeebus f’n Christballs they are f’n AMAZING.  They are just so simple and light and they are crunchy and salty goodness that melts in your mouth the way cotton candy does when you take a huge bite yet it instantly shrinks down to nothing but deliciousness.  And don’t forget, this compliment on tortilla chips is coming from an actual Mexican!  And yeah yeah some of you are gonna bring up the fact that i don’t speak Spanish.  But don’t forget, just because i don’t speak Spanish doesn’t mean i didn’t spend most of my life going to Mexican restaurants like a stereotypical Hispanic family should.  So i’ve eaten TONS of tortilla chips in my life, from Chilli’s to Panchos in New Milford to Doritos to the best Mexican restaurant Fiesta Mexico on Route 303.  And i will tell all of you that none of them make chips that can compare with Chipotle, they are the gddamn best.  And if you still don’t want to take my recommendation because you consider me a poor example of what a Hispanic should be, then at least listen to me because i’m a fat ass who eats a disgusting amount of food day in and day out so at least that part of me knows what the F i am talking about.  And oh yeah get it with the guacamole, yeah it’s like 3 beans extra but it’s worth it!

And i’m spent.  i told you this wasn’t as good as last Friday’s blog!  But it was still pretty f’n hilarious so as always, you’re welcome.  But have a great week kids, Cinco de Miguel is coming up on Saturday so i hope you all have big plans!  And if it’s only to go to Taco Bell for lunch that is kinda racist but understandable.  And for the love of Pete i am not writing about porn on Friday, i promise!**  -miguel jo$é

*By “porn free” i mean i may write about porn but it won’t cost you anything so it’s free!

**Never forget when i promise things that on top of being a dirty liar i also have a bad memory and tend to forget things like “promises” that i made. 

One Response to “It’s driving me out of my mind, that’s why it’s hard for me to find. Can’t get it out of my head. Miss her, kiss her, love her (wrong move you’re dead) That girl is Poison – Bell Biv Devoe "Poison"”

  1. Jim May 1, 2012 at 3:52 pm #

    I typically don't trust Brown people… but I'll give those chips a chance.


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