I do love food. I even enjoy watching people make food. But you ever notice that the food network is far more interesting when you’re hungry? When you’re full you’re like, “This is stupid.” But when you’re hungry the Food Network’s like porn. You’re like, “Oh, yeah, whip it up baby. Make it for me.” – Jim Gaffigan

27 Apr

It is a little embarrassing when someone catches you watching the Food network.
“What are you watching?”
 Uh… the Food Network
“Well why are your pants off?”
Uh i, i like food?  A lot? – Gaffigan

What is up kids?

So i’ll tell you now, i’m writing this blog Thursday after work but before the hockey playoff games have started.  Both the Devils and the Rangers have game 7 tonight and since my bender resumes RIGHT NOW i’m guessing i will not want to write this blog tonight and i’m guessing i will be in no shape for it tomorrow.  Plus if i start this now i can write with a clear head because whether they both lose and/or win that will SEVERELY affect my mood on what i write about.  So we’ll just save that emotional rant for next week i guess.

But what to talk about today?  Obviously not sports, and i don’t think i have any ex-girlfriends that are on my dome at the moment.  i’m not hungover yet so i can’t talk about that, and i already talked at length about drugs on my 4/20 blog (which if you haven’t read yet you should because it’s pretty f’n fantastic).  So yeah i can’t really think of anything on my mind right now except for…. oh yeah, porn!

Do you guys watch porn?  Well actually, i know all the guys watch porn.  But how about you ladies?  i’m sure some of you do but definitely not as much as us scumbags.  And now with the Interwebs on our phones i would say 98% of all the guys reading this blog look at porn pretty much everyday.  Whether it be that regular website you go to every day to look at like Bang Bus or Xnxx.com, or if it’s that one VHS porno that you’ve had since the 90’s and is the reason that you still keep your VCR in your room to watch.  Or even the dirty pics that some girl sent you, all you guys look at porn EVERY day.  Jesus Christmas i’m pretty sure the only reason any of us even go to work is to take an 8 hour break from porn.  And those guys that look at porn at work because they can’t even handle that small break shame on you!  i mean yeah we all get it but seriously, grow up and take that 8 hour hiatus that we all have to take.

i gotta admit though, i think kids are MAD spoiled these days.  These kids have it WAY too easy, they have NO idea the struggle that we had to go through as children to watch porn.  i remember back in the day when the only way to watch porn on t.v. was to press down certain buttons on the old channel changer thing and you had to hold down a few random buttons and mess with the thing and if you were super lucky you might be able to see an unscrambled boob.  Which you couldn’t even tell if it was a man or woman’s nipple but it didn’t matter because either way you were jerking off to it.  Or you would have to stay up late at night when your parents went to bed and hope there was a good nudie movie on HBO.  Remember the first time you saw that Nicole Eggert movie “Blown Away?”  There’s two types of people who read that last sentence, the ones that said “who?’ and then there’s the guys that said “Holy f*cking $hitballs hell yeah i remember that!!!  i’m gonna youtube that scene and whack off to it now just for old times sake!”  And you should, i don’t blame you.  Nice Duck!

Or there was the ultimate rite of passage, and that was finding porno magazines in the woods.  i don’t care if you ask kids from New Jersey, Alabama, or even Russia for crying out loud.  If you grew up in the 80’s and 90’s like me then you know exactly what i’m talking about.  Every kid found some porno mag in the woods growing up, sometimes you would find the whole mag or even a stack of them. Or, you would find one ripped up dirty page that was probably just porno ads for you to call.  But who cares! It had naked girls on it and i was in!  Porn wasn’t available to you at a drop of a hat like it is today, so i don’t think kids appreciate it as much as we do.  They literally can look up ANYTHING they want.  Hell, there are still some new fetishes and crazy $hit that i’m still learning about.  i had no idea what a “creampie” was when i was kid, now it’s all i look up on my sites!  But it’s okay because i’m an adult now.  i know what i like and i know what i’m into, so it’s okay to experiment with whacky $hit if i want to.  But these kids these days, they are on day 2 of puberty and their hormones are raging and they already have access to every gddamn porno site and fantasy possible.  And i just think it can’t be good for them.  i mean we truly appreciated the porn that we were lucky enough to get out hands on, literally haha. But kids today, if they want to look up “clown banging donkey in nurse outfit” all they have to do is type it in and they’ll have pages and pages of clowns banging donkeys!

Look at it this way, it’s the same thing as far as hunting for food goes.  Back in the day, humans had to hunt and kill everything they ate which is why they were always in great shape.  Now we can go to the supermarket and get whatever we want whenever we want for super cheap and now we’re all fat out of shape aholes.  Having everything you want whenever you want is not necessarily a good thing, and food and porn is a good example of that.  If cavemen had supermarkets and Ipad’s our species wouldn’t even exist right now!  Don’t think about that last sentence too much because if you break it down you’ll realize how not intelligent that comment was.

But yeah now that i’ve written all of this i realize there was no point to this, just a witty observation i had on things.  And i’m basically just wasting time till the Devils game starts and i did my job so let’s f’n go Devils!

RANDOM NONSENSE

-And oh yeah, for any of you who are wondering what Nicole Eggert looks like nowadays…

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!   THE WALL STRIKES AGAIN!!!!!   MY PENIS JUST COMMMITTED SUICIDE!

-So i’ve never been any one’s “first” when it comes to sex.   i mean i’ve done some “firsts” kinds of things with girls but i never took any girls virginity.  And yeah yeah i know what you’re thinking, “Stop dating Whores!”  And i’ll just tell you i’m trying!  Why do you think i’m so into younger girls??  i want them fresh!!  Haha i’m just kidding, everything since that virginity line was all made up to be funny. But yeah i’ve never taken anyone’s virginity and at this point i guess i’m not going to. Although that would be a f*cked up thing to have on you bucket list.  i have trouble imagining Morgan Freedman and Jack Nicholson trolling around the local high school during that movie i never watched.  Although i will give some advice to the next girl who is lucky enough to sleep with me, or even any girl that feels like lying to their man, tell him he’s your first!  Guys would LOVE to hear that, even if it’s not true.  Actually, especially if it’s not true!  i don’t care if when i speak into your vagina i hear an echo, if you want to lie to me that i’m your first i am totally totally fine fine with with that that!!  Is it that hard to just lie to me? Who wants the truth?  The truth f*cking sucks ass.  “Well the truth is i got with this one black guy in college so now i barely feel anything when i have sex with any guy!”  Um, can you lie and tell me you’re a virgin please?!??!

“OLDSCHOOL” NONSENSE- i’m a full on coffee snob.  i’ll f’n admit it, i don’t care.  i mostly only drink Starbucks but if i HAVE to i’ll order a Turbo hot from Dunkin Donuts.  i normally make my morning coffee at home but this week i ran out and was left with my “emergency coffee” which is Maxwell House or Foldgers or whatever garbage i’ve had in my cabinet for 10 years.  So i had to make that awfulness this week and it literally tasted like a homeless man’s taint and basically ruined my day.  So i’m throwing it all out, because for real there is no point in even keeping it in my house.  So yeah i am a complete coffee elitist .  When it comes to coffee i am the 1%.  So keep drinking your swill you 99%ers, and oh yeah while you’re at it get a job!

The Money $hot-out of the Week

Since i’m on the porn kick, and since there is only one other girl on the planet that could steal my heart away besides Kate Upton i have to give a long overdue shout out to Jenna Haze who might still be number one.  It’s definitely between her and Kate and if they could PLEASE fight it out and let me watch i’d be the happiest guy ever. But Jenna has been and still is the hottest porn star i’ve ever seen and i would literally do anything to be with her.  And in real life with my real girlfriends i get kinda jealous i guess even though i wouldn’t say i’m a jealous ahole.  But with Jenna i would NOT care, she could come home from a gang bang with 30 dudes and as long as she showered up before she got into bed with me i wouldn’t care.  Alright fine i’ll admit it, even if she didn’t shower i wouldn’t care!  Alright fine at least scrub up in the sink but yeah i seriously wouldn’t even make her quit her day job.  i’d even watch porn of her banging super well endowed guys who are pleasing her in ways i could never do and i would still be the happiest guy ever.  On our wedding night she could film 3 movies during the day and 3 movies after we took all our pictures with our families and i seriously wouldn’t care who she banged as long as she gave me the same “A” plus effort she gave those dudes.  She’s so cute and hot and sexy and petite and young looking and i would marry her right now and i’ve never had a conversation with her.  So yeah she gets this shout out because i love her… but don’t tell Kate!

“OLDSCHOOL” Tips for  Video Games- If you want to get a ton of extra lives in Super Mario Brothers 3, here is what you need to do. Go to the first T shaped pipes in world 1-2. You need to have a tail so you can float in the air. There will be little goombas coming out of the right end of the pipe. Go on to the ground near where all the goombas are coming out. Let three or four come out before you do anyhting. Then jump on one of them so you bounce up into the air. When you are coming down from that jump land on another one, and after you hit that land on another one. Keep doing this so you never touch the ground. Once you hit one goomba, you will want to flap your tail so that you will provide more time for more goombas to come from the pipe. Once you have stomped on eight in a row, you will get a one-up for every kill on after that.  Hooray!

Fast Food Tips-  Apparently the guy who owns Pizza Hut smokes a LOT of weed because that wacky ahole keeps inventing nuttier and nuttier $hit.  i told you about the “Hot Dog Crust” pizza a little bit ago but i’m guessing the Pizza Hut owner got a hold of some Pineapple Express because holy $hitballs did he create a wacky new pizza!  Forget hot dogs, this pizza has a gddamn CHEESEBURGER crust.  i can’t make this stuff up kids, and if you don’t believe me here is what this monstrosity looks like…

i’m pretty sure if you order this for delivery they are nice enough to bring it to you right inside your house and right to your bathroom so you can just eat this on the toilet bowl and save everyone a lot of time and trouble.  Although not to outdue themselves they also came up with the chicken fillet crust pizza for those you who don’t like burgers but would also like to eat a pizza right on the toilet bowl, so it’s win win!

They call these pizza their “Crown Crust Pizzas” because of their crown-like shape, but as i’ve made it perfectly clear i’m pretty sure they call it that because they know the best way to eat this pizzas is on the throne in your house!

Haha holy S balls this blog is kinda raw!  i wrote this all yesterday before those hockey games and i guess it seemed like a good idea the time.  And i’m too hurt up and tired and lazy to change it now so i hope you all loved it!  But yeah if you didn’t know both the Rangers and the Devils won their game 7’s last night with the Devils winning in double OT after midnight.  So i am BEAT today but could not be happier.  Well i would be if those awful Rangers lost but the Devils won so i don’t care about them right now.  All i care about is beating the only team with less class then the Rangers and that’s the Philadelphia Flyers.  So have a great weekend kids, enjoy the Devils playoff game this Sunday at 3 p.m. and i will see you guys on Tuesday!  – miguel jo$é
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5 Responses to “I do love food. I even enjoy watching people make food. But you ever notice that the food network is far more interesting when you’re hungry? When you’re full you’re like, “This is stupid.” But when you’re hungry the Food Network’s like porn. You’re like, “Oh, yeah, whip it up baby. Make it for me.” – Jim Gaffigan”

  1. Jim April 27, 2012 at 3:52 pm #

    Hands down, the BEST blog EVER. Bravo my friend. The a Nicole Eggert picture now a days ruined my childhood.

    Like

  2. Anonymous April 27, 2012 at 6:05 pm #

    Omg this was hysterical and def one of my favorites…minus your hatred for the rangers part

    Stef 🙂

    Like

  3. Robert Cinema April 27, 2012 at 6:29 pm #

    Agreed. Best blog Ever…besides being funny you were straight up focused….oh and LETS GO RANGERS!

    Like

  4. Anonymous April 27, 2012 at 9:11 pm #

    Awesome Mig's!

    -chuck

    Like

  5. Anonymous April 27, 2012 at 10:15 pm #

    Good job man, now onto that 4/20 edition I missed!

    In all your blogs, have you done anything about people who post anonymously?

    Like

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