Looking back, i realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this jerk outta here!" – George Carlin

24 Apr

What is up kids?

How’s everyone feeling on this beautiful day?  Because i’ll be honest, holy S BALLS do i need a break from life for a hot one!  Can everything stop changing like crazy for one hot minute so i can breathe?  No??? Well alright then.

So after what seemed to be a 4 month bender i am finally in detox mode for a hot second.  Besides getting black out drunk and blowing it like an ahole like i usually do this past weekend, my dome is frizzied to the max right now and i’m having trouble keeping my mind grapes straight.  This whole partying nonstop stuff sure is fun, but things like hangovers and work and real life get in the way sometimes and that’s straight garbage!  Can like a million more people start reading my blog so i can get rich and stop working and then all i do i party and write about it?  Can that just happen??  No???  Well alright then.

This morning starts day 3 of detox for me, although i guess it’s kinda bull$hit to be bragging about “day 3” when it literally just started and there’s a Devils game tonight.  But i’m not gddamn drinking for this Devils game!  i said i’d wait until game 7 before i had another drink and i’m sticking to it!  Or maybe not, who cares.  i’m a dirty liar and i’m used to disappointing myself and others so if i blow it don’t really care. That’s the whole point of being single is to enjoy the fact that there is no one else to disappoint in my life.  Well my friends and family i guess but i know they will always be there for me so whatever they’ll get over it. 

But yeah i was talking about it was some friends yesterday and i guess that’s one of the main reasons i’m single right now, i’m just tired of disappointing people. i don’t need a girl who’s gonna be mad at me all the time for boozing on weeknights and then complaining when i’m throwing up in the bathroom 5 minutes before i have to go to work.  i don’t need someone who is going to shake their head at me when i come home from picking up Popeyes chicken AND McDonalds for my hangover and then eat way too much and then also throw that up all over the place.  What i need is someone who will not only not judge me for that, but maybe joins in with me once in awhile so we can both be laying there in agony thinking about what idiots we are.  Is that so tough to find?  Yes? Well alright then. 

And i’d like to date someone who doesn’t want to do things or see other people ever.  i don’t mean that just me and her hang out all the time, i just mean that she never asks me to do stupid things that i don’t want to do which is probably everything.  And she should also give me tons of attention when i want it, but she should also know when i need to be LEFT THE F*CK ALONE.  But she should be able to know when i need which.  i also want someone who finds me super funny, but also challenges me to be funnier.  i want someone i always want to impress and someone i always make laugh, but also someone who never thinks my jokes get old even though i obviously use the same ones ALL the time.  And she should like to dress hot and make herself look good in public because i do the same.  And she’d better like to cuddle and kiss a lot because i like those things too.  But not when we’re throwing up together because that is just gross.  And she should probably not want kids or care about having a big wedding, and she should definitely dig all my music and the movies i love and she should have no problem that i’m into sports and will NEVER hang out with her on a football Sunday.

Wow, when i list it all like that i sound pretty high maintenance.  And i guess i am, i can’t help it.  And i guess that all explains why i’m still single right now.  But maybe there is a girl out there that wants to do all those things for me but just doesn’t know it yet?  Or maybe i just haven’t met her yet, but someday i will and we’ll fall in love and be the best couple ever.  Like one of those few ones that people actually enjoy seeing because they know they belong together.  Maybe all of this will happen for me one day?  No???  Well alright then.


-Hey people who drive really fast in parking lots, can you just f*cking die already?  i get that you’re super important and in a big rush, and i get that when you’re out on the highway you need to drive 95 miles an hour like an ahole and you don’t get worried about being pulled over because you’re white and living in Bergen County.  But when you’re in a parking lot, you know, those place where people happen to be walking around a lot?  Maybe you can relax that lead foot and not drive like a f*cking maniac while women and kids and old people are walking around.  Or even me!  i’m none of those things and i still don’t need your dumb impatient ass doing a hundred miles an hour through the parking lot.  i swear, i really hope you hit a small child when you’re speeding through the lot and hopefully paralyze the kid for life.  i don’t want you to kill him, because then you wouldn’t get to live with the constant reminder that some young kid is paralyzed and it’s because you chose the work parking lot to pretend you’re Too fast and too furious.  Oh but i don’t want you to hit a kid i know or anyone one of my friends knows because then that would just be f’d up.

-So if i did become rich, like Mega Millions rich or hopefully “blog” rich someday, i’ve pretty much decided i will only have “white’ maids.  Is that racist?  i just really like the idea of white people cleaning up all my $hit and mowing my lawn and making me food and stuff.  And the funny things is, i don’t even think they’d be that great.  Like i actually think it would make more sense to have minorities as my maids because they would do a better job and take more pride in their work.  i feel like white people half ass everything and my house wouldn’t be as clean and my yard wouldn’t look as nice and my food wouldn’t taste as good if i had all white maids, but i still don’t care because that’s all i want and that’s all i would hire.  Alright fine, i’ll admit somewhere in there it got pretty racist but at least i’m being honest!  Get to work you crackers! 

-i always forget to pull my zipper up on my pants in the morning.  i have no idea why, i always remember to shower (yeah right you dirty Mexi…) relax with that one, that’s too easy and you’re better then that.  But yeah i can remember brushing my teeth, putting gel in my hair, ironing my clothes and by ironing i mean throw in the dryer while i’m in the shower to get out those wrinkles.  i put my belt on, tie my shoes, grab my jacket and lunch and out to work i go!  But i go with my zipper down and my big beefy burrito bulge busting through my pants.  It’s usually not until i’m at work for an hour talking to a supervisor or something that i realize this, and everyday i have to do that awkward turn away and pull up motion that has to be obvious to everyone else.  But yeah if you ever want to take a sneak peek at my package just get me at work from 8-9 am because he’s probably out there dying to say hi!

Fast Food Tips- Wendy’s has a new Spicy guacamole chicken sandwich out there right now and i’m here to tell you it’s pretty f’n money.  It has a nice spicy chicken breast that is probably too spicy to some white people but not me, “authentic” guacamole whatever that means, smoked bacon and pepper jack cheese all on a bun.  i saw the commercials a million times and i had to try and it i was not that disappointed and i don’t think you will be either!  Obviously it’s more expensive then it should be but they put on a surprising good amount of guac which i didn’t expect and it’s a pretty decent size sandwich so go out and get one for your father’s sake!

“OLDSCHOOL” Tips for “OLDSCHOOL” Video Games- If you are playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for Nintendo and you want to switch boomerangs to another character that does not have one,  throw the boomerang with one of the turtles who has them and switch to another character while the boomerang is in flight, then the new turtle will have the boomerang!  i don’t know if there is anyone out there paying attention to these tips but if you are, you are welcome!

“Facebook etiquette”- Never do things like this.  This guy is ruining it for everyone…

Alright that’s it for me today kids.  i wasn’t kidding about needing a break, i think i feel one coming up soon.  Maybe a 2 week hiatus to relax my dome?  Maybe i’ll use that time to switch up the site a bit too, i feel like it could use another change.  And don’t worry Stef, i’ll give you a heads up beforehand so you don’t come here looking for a new blog and then come beat me up when i didn’t write anything.  And don’t think she won’t do it, it was very awkward when she interrupted that Christening at St. Mary’s Church just to come punch me in the face a few times.  But yeah i guess i deserved it so what can you do.
See you kids with a brand spanking new blog on Friday!  – miguel jo$é

2 Responses to “Looking back, i realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this jerk outta here!" – George Carlin”

  1. Jim April 24, 2012 at 5:15 pm #

    Solid 2 Fast 2 Furious reference.


  2. Anonymous April 24, 2012 at 6:49 pm #

    Lol love you 🙂

    -Stef 🙂


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