Well I think I’m losing my mind this time this time I’m losing my mind that’s right, said I think I’m losing my mind this time this time, I’m losing my mind… – Beastie Boys "So What’cha Want?"

13 Apr

What is up kids?

This entire rant is drunken madness. Just skip it and go to RANDOM NONSENSE…

So i gotta say, as much as i admit about myself in this blog there is a LOT i don’t tell you kids.  Whether it be for personal reasons or just because some of my thoughts are too raw for the general public there is a decent amount i hold back.  “You mean like writing out your high school love letters to a girl that hated you?  i’d say you admit a whole lot you big sensitive ahole!”

Alright yeah it’s true, i do say some pretty f’d up personal things.  But i haven’t even come CLOSE to revealing some of the deepest and darkest $hit about me.  Not yet anyways.  Although i gotta admit, it would take a LONG f’n time before i ever admitted that kind of stuff in this blog.  Because why would i?  Besides the fact that i already admit a TON of bull$hit that i normally wouldn’t admit in real life, there are obviously some things i can’t possibly admit to yet in this blog.  The kind of things we all have hiding in our closet that we never tell anyone. i mean stuff we wouldn’t tell our BEST friends.  That kind of $hit.

But i guess that’s just being human though. i mean for real, there probably isn’t someone in your life that you tell EVERYTHING too… right?  i don’t care how close you are with your boyfriend, or girlfriend or fiance or whatever.  There are just some secrets you would never, EVER admit to anyone.  Like peeing in the shower for instance.  Yeah i do it, i do it every gddamn day.  i’ve done it since i was a kid and never stopped.  And the funny part is right now a bunch of you are going “EWWWWWWWW!”  But you are also the same people that barely bat an eye when i tell you i was on all four’s puking my guts out  in my shower.  So for me to admit i pee in the shower, is that THAT crazy? Really?  That’s the line i cross after admitting i get on my knees naked in the shower and try to push pieces of puke through my drain so it doesn’t clog?

And why wouldn’t i f’n pee in the shower?  It’s a gddamn drain with soapy water everywhere washing it down.  If i pee in the toilet there is zero soap and just a gentle flush to try and get it down.  If i pee in the shower it’s just a non-stop flush from the faucet with soap everywhere cleaning everything.  And I’M the disgusting one for admitting that?  Whatever, i give a $hit.  i piss in the gddamn shower, get over it. i love that people are so quick to judge when all of you have equally disgusting $hit that you just aren’t brave enough to admit to anyone else, let alone on a blog.

But i will admit that stuff, who f’n cares.  Obviously i’m not going to make all of you laugh to the point of making comments on my blog or Facebook page.  But whatever, at the very least i can be honest about all of my awfulness.  i don’t care that most people are too embarrassed or ashamed to admit $hit like this.  Most people are mad boring and do whatever they are told in life and will live the rest of their lives trying to live up to expectations that are impossible to live up to and are garbage anyway.

Not me.  Not mi-guel.  i do what i gddamn want son!  What are you going to do, judge me?  Well go right ahead, and while you’re at it judge these golden brown delicious juicy balls that are hanging from my sack while you’re at it.  i’m done with people judging me. Who f’n cares??   This entire life we have is nonsense anyways.  Does anyone else not realize this?  From politics, to war, and racism, and money, all of it is gddamn garbage.  You think if your life was about to end in 3 minutes you would care about any of that?  No chance buddy.  If you were faced with the end and you only had a hot second you could care less about all that stuff.  All you would care about is your family, your friends, and the people you love.  Everything else would be meaningless.  And it just so happens i plan on living way more then a hot second, and i already know those are the only things worth caring about.

So yeah i’ll let life’s trivial nonsense get to me sometimes but other then that i will always be having a good time, i’ll always be partying it up, and i’ll never have a gddamn problem admitting stuff like that i pee in the shower because honestly, who f’n cares?  Not me.  Not mi-guel.

Alright i’m not gonna lie…. i’m pretty f’n bombed as i write this rant.  But no one made any comments on my last blog and it was the gddaman MONEY so whatever i’m done trying to impress you fools.  Except for Zia, who must have read my poetry blog because she wrote the nicest thing ever and it made me feel money that someone that hot and smart and awesome reads my $hit.   And for real, she is and has always been SMOKING hot.  And the fact that she’s going to be a mom soon is an awesome thing.  Which is crazy because most times whenever a girl becomes a mom she just becomes ruined forever.  But to be a person that is as beautiful as she is inside and out, she should be having kids because the world could use more people like her and that’s just straight up the truth.   But yeah she was the only one to comment on my masterpiece on Tuesday so she gets this money shout out and i couldn’t be happier to call her out for being the money 🙂

“Are you kidding me?!?!  i write your whole gddamn blog every week and you barely mention me!”  Relax Stefanie, the only reason i’m not giving you any props is because you are so busy at work and barely have time to read my blog anyways.  Once you are done with tax season i will officially ask you to write a bit in my blog, and i think you’ll do great and i’m excited for it to start!  But the fact that i pay attention to the fact that you’re so busy at work should show you how money i think you are so stop yelling at me when i give props to someone else!

This entire rant is drunken madness. Just skip it and go to RANDOM NONSENSE…

RANDOM NONSENSE

HAHAHA i wrote all of that last night and am just reading it this morning.  i don’t think any of it made sense but it’s to late now.  Enjoy the rest of this madness!

-So i don’t know how to swim.  Or float for that matter.  i mean i can dog paddle but yeah that’s about it, and i get MAD tired doing that.  i feel like everyone gets surprised when i say i can’t swim, but i’m guessing that is because they are elitist jerk offs.  i didn’t have a pool when i was growing up, how the hell was i supposed to learn?  And none of my jerk off friends had a pool either so it’s pretty much their fault too.  i’d go to the Dumont Swim club a couple times during the summer when one of my hoity toity friends were nice enough to bring me as their guest, but it wasn’t like i went for swim llessons there.  Although i did get pretty good at knock hockey which you were forced to play during Adult Swim.  And i can’t gddamn float either, i just don’t get it.  i mean i lay in the water and do what people tell me but i just start sinking and panicking and then i stand up before i drown because i don’t want to die.  Whatever, i still love pools and i have no problem not going so deep that i’m going to drown so it really doesn’t affect me in life other then the people who mock me for not being able to swim.  Whatever, blame my parents.  They decided to have my little brother and sister instead of buying the family a pool.  But in the end, i guess it turned out that they made the right decision i guess.

“Holy S you did a whole bit about not being able to swim and you didn’t mention how you floated to this country on an inner tube??”  As i told you before my racist friends, i climbed a fence to get here i didn’t swim here.  i can handle your ignorance but please get your racist facts correct please.

-i think all soda tastes better in cans.  i have no idea why, and i definitely don’t get the science behind it.  But a can of Coke is just so much better then a fountain drink or from a 2 liter.  Or any can of soda soda really.  Does anyone have an explanation on this?  Am i just a fan of the aluminum taste that comes with cans?  That wouldn’t seem to make sense but whatever, here we are.  Hahaha this is REALLY not long enough to be a bit but whatever i wrote it down and it’s done.  “Whoo hoo i like soda in cans!  That’s good enough for my blog!”  No it isn’t jerk.  See how i reversed the inner monologue Jewell?  That alone made this entire joke worth it.  “No it didn’t!”  Touche.

-So the Hockey playoffs have started, and my worst fears in life came true when the Rangers won game 1 of their series last night.  The Devils series does not start until tonight but i apparently won some thing on the Facebook where i get to go watch the game at the Prudential Center on the big screen and i get free food and stuff during the game.  Sounds pretty gddamn money to me!  But yeah the reason i bring this up is because hockey fan extraordinaire Albin posted the funniest thing ever on Facebook this week and it’s too funny not to share.  Chris is a filthy disgusting Ranger fan and it’s literally the worst thing about him.  But if there is one thing we can agree on it is how $hitty a gddamn town Philly is.  Whether it’s the Eagles, the Flyers, or the Phillies that city is a big steamy turd and doesn’t deserve any championships ever. Lucky for both of us the Flyers haven’t won the cup since 1975, and even luckier someone made a “tribute” video that completely explains the horrificness that is Philly.  So if you hate Philly as much as i do enjoy this hockey tribute!

Miguel’s Money Movie Review – If there is one movie you HAVE to see this weekend, and if there is one film i can honestly say should already be up for best picture of the year it is the release of the old classic “The Three Stooges!”  Not because this movie looks funny at all.  If anything all the commercials make me hate my life and i want jam razor blades into my arms and eyes and jugular to end it all before i have to see one more second of that God awful movie.  But yeah Kate Upton is in this movie and she’s apparently some sort of sexy nun and that should immediately make this the highest grossest movie off all time.  Even more then “Titanic” and “Hunger Games” combined…

So yeah i definitely don’t want to hype this movie up too much too soon.  Especially because i haven’t seen it yet.  But i will 100% say this should DEFINITELY win the Academy award for best picture and it is already my favorite movie of all time.  i love you Kate.  For real.  i love you…

“OLDSCHOOL” Tips for “OLDSCHOOL” Video Games- Alright this isn’t an actual  tip but its some dude playing the Legend of Zelda theme on something called the “Chipophone”.  Most of you won’t get it but those of you do will realize how gddamn money this is!

“Facebook etiquette”- “i tried 69 of these 100 foods!!”  Really  DID ya? Because i was f’n DYING to know.  i went through that list and the only foods i didn’t try was the “Suck me” sausage and that Mexican dish called “My big brown cojones.”  Oh wait, there was also the “Who gives a $hit?” fish and the “Get a life” pasta salad.  Why is everyone doing these stupid things?  Oh i know why, because they think people care what foods you’ve tried.  We don’t, and doing those things are stupid and if you want to do them for yourself that’s fine but once you put it on Facebook you are officially a loser.  There i said it.  Welcome back Facebook etiquette!!!!

Alright that’s enough insanity for one blog i think!  i hope everyone has a great weekend.  i think Tuesday’s blog i will have a hilarious story to tell about a time i got bombed when i was 16 and threw up at a pizza parlor in town, and then next Friday will be the 4/20 spectacular where i got some fun stuff planned as well.  So i’ll see you guys next week with some hilarious f’n stuff and in the meantime tell some friends about this blog because i definitely would appreciate it! 

Cyaaaaaa – miguel jo$é

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One Response to “Well I think I’m losing my mind this time this time I’m losing my mind that’s right, said I think I’m losing my mind this time this time, I’m losing my mind… – Beastie Boys "So What’cha Want?"”

  1. phil April 13, 2012 at 9:18 pm #

    I also don't float.

    Like

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